Tonight I had a rough night and asked my mom the above question. I do have to say that over the past six months I have been doing a lot better, but I still have my rough spots. tonight it came out and it wasn't pleasant. On top of the aspergers and vision impairment, I have an anxiety disorder. The majority of people with autism have other issues that go along with the autism such as state above: anxiety disorder.
It doesn't matter if you take medicine to control your anxiety or not, you will still have anxiety attacks. It doesn't matter what strategies you develop, you will still have attacks. Tonight was one of those nights. I did have a thirteen hour long day and I did eat lunch and dinner at school today. From this experience, I have learned that its not a good idea to do this.
On the way home, I had the whole driving conversation with my dad. It started at as a good conversation with some moral decisions to make. It ended with the idea that I can't scubadive or snorkel with my dad anymore and this is something I enjoyed doing with my dad as a child. Every time I am told that I can't drive, I automatically think its because of my eyes, but I have to remind myself that its the processing disorder.
The very fact that I always think about my eyes, makes me think about other things that I can't do. I automatically thought about scuba diving, but I need really expensive goggles to do this and I only do it once a year. Long story short, I had gotten my self all worked up to the point that I had a lot of anxiety. I went to my room, took a shower and came back down stairs. I still didn't feel good, but I thought my computer would help. Five minutes into using my computer, I started feeling really weird. I was about to have an anxiety attack. For those of you that think an anxiety attack is your heart racing and hyperventilating, your WRONG!!! My anxiety attacks look like seizures, which I have had in the pas.t When I have an anxiety attack, I get scared its a seizure. For a long time the docs actually thought they were seizures.
After I had gotten worked up with tears and confusion, my parents told me to lay down and take deep breaths. I did as they told me to and it worked. This is when the question comes. There is no crying in college and medical material is not stuff that your roommate needs to know about. How do I deal with these uncontrollable experiences? My natural reaction is to totally go into it, or take deep breaths and calm myself down. This time I had tears before it happened. I didn't know what was happening. Sometimes I have fainting spells that are anxiety attacks. How do I manage these issues in college? Its just not acceptable. I feel as though I am struggling, but I don't know how to fix it.
When I have an anxiety attack, it just needs to happen. An anxiety attack basically reboots your brain. I will feel emotional for a few days for now reason, have an anxiety attack and feel great. Today, I felt fine, but I had an attack. You just never know what to do.
We need greater awareness of anxiety attacks. I didn't know what they were until I started getting them.
Dickinson Mental Health Charity Ball
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
...because I have Aspergers
There have been a lot of things that I thought I would not be able to do through out my life because I have aspergers. When I was a young child, my parents were often told that I would end up in a group home. Today I will be able to live on my own with a husband, a good college degree and job, and possibly even kids, but before high school we didn't know anything.
I have not limited myself because I have Asperger syndrome. I am a very outgoing person and do anything and everything I want to and can do with no excuses. Now granted, I do take advantage of any extra services I can get because it just increases those abilities, but I use them as tools, not as another part of my disability. I also tend to make excuses after the fact of why something didn't go right. Often times I will blame something I did wrong or the fact that I don't have friends on my Aspergers, but I don't ever say I can't do something.
On Sunday, I got some pretty upsetting news. My parents have always raised me to be aware of my disability, but don't let it get in harms way. Well truth is it got in my way and it was out of my control. I am not playing a blame game, but this was something someone physically told me. This was told to me right in front of my mother. I can't drive.
I know many of you know I have a vision impairment that has limited me, but I was evaluated for driving and they said I could. I figured that the only thing that would limit me from driving is my vision. Boy was I wrong. I do have vision issues, but I am able to compensate for them using different strategies. I can't drive because I have Autism.
Now let me explain. The driving teacher came to my house and before we even went out on the road, she told my mom she thought it wouldn't be a good idea for me to drive. She took me out on road and I drove the worst I ever did because I was shocked; I was shocked that I couldn't drive because I had autism. I know its awful.
We went out on the road with mother in tow and sure enough the driving instructor was right and I new she was right. Autism causes other processing disorders that are invisible to the eye or ear when you first meet someone. When I tested for driving, my reaction time was great, but that was in a calm setting. When I have multiple stimuli that I need to pay attention to, I can't do it. I was shot down. Now I am telling myself that I can't drive and that its not worth it.
The positive thing is that I am not blaming my autism when I do this because its not the first thing comes to mind. I automatically think vision and then I have to correct myself. Its the autism and its never going to be anything else. I CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE I HAVE AUTISM!!! :(
I have not limited myself because I have Asperger syndrome. I am a very outgoing person and do anything and everything I want to and can do with no excuses. Now granted, I do take advantage of any extra services I can get because it just increases those abilities, but I use them as tools, not as another part of my disability. I also tend to make excuses after the fact of why something didn't go right. Often times I will blame something I did wrong or the fact that I don't have friends on my Aspergers, but I don't ever say I can't do something.
On Sunday, I got some pretty upsetting news. My parents have always raised me to be aware of my disability, but don't let it get in harms way. Well truth is it got in my way and it was out of my control. I am not playing a blame game, but this was something someone physically told me. This was told to me right in front of my mother. I can't drive.
I know many of you know I have a vision impairment that has limited me, but I was evaluated for driving and they said I could. I figured that the only thing that would limit me from driving is my vision. Boy was I wrong. I do have vision issues, but I am able to compensate for them using different strategies. I can't drive because I have Autism.
Now let me explain. The driving teacher came to my house and before we even went out on the road, she told my mom she thought it wouldn't be a good idea for me to drive. She took me out on road and I drove the worst I ever did because I was shocked; I was shocked that I couldn't drive because I had autism. I know its awful.
We went out on the road with mother in tow and sure enough the driving instructor was right and I new she was right. Autism causes other processing disorders that are invisible to the eye or ear when you first meet someone. When I tested for driving, my reaction time was great, but that was in a calm setting. When I have multiple stimuli that I need to pay attention to, I can't do it. I was shot down. Now I am telling myself that I can't drive and that its not worth it.
The positive thing is that I am not blaming my autism when I do this because its not the first thing comes to mind. I automatically think vision and then I have to correct myself. Its the autism and its never going to be anything else. I CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE I HAVE AUTISM!!! :(
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Where is Mrs. Puff when I need her???
In college, a lot of people go back to there childhood. This school year we have talked a lot about what shows we liked to watch when we were little. One show that we miss is Spongebob Squarepants. Although this show is still on television it is a kids show. Fortunately my friend got season three at target the other day.
Does anyone remember Mrs Puff from spongebob? She is the boating instructor at spongebob's school. Well I wish she was real life and I was I was the only care on the road. A couple of weeks ago I got really good news that I was physically capable of driving, but due to my disability we still don't know.
Unfortunately today I found out that I have a very slim possibility of ever driving and I really need to practice driving, but practice using the bus system for the worst case scenario. Fortunately I have a Mrs. Puff in my life right now, but she can only help so much.
One thing that came to mine was that I have a mild disability (ignore the doctors and ovr who say its severe), I have a disability that affects my ability to drive. Today I learned that. During the evaluation last month my reaction time and processing looked great, but when I was on the road, I couldn't process what was going on. I can't process as much as normal people, but I can overcome that to some extent and lead a normal life.
On the good side because this was stressful, my driving instructor gave me some insight. She told me that the word impossible is basically fake. The word impossible doesn't mean that you can't do it, but that if you put into the work you can be I'm possible. I love that and I want to take that to heart.
This blog is a place to use as a coping skill. I thought I would share because it was kind of a shock to my day.
Does anyone remember Mrs Puff from spongebob? She is the boating instructor at spongebob's school. Well I wish she was real life and I was I was the only care on the road. A couple of weeks ago I got really good news that I was physically capable of driving, but due to my disability we still don't know.
Unfortunately today I found out that I have a very slim possibility of ever driving and I really need to practice driving, but practice using the bus system for the worst case scenario. Fortunately I have a Mrs. Puff in my life right now, but she can only help so much.
One thing that came to mine was that I have a mild disability (ignore the doctors and ovr who say its severe), I have a disability that affects my ability to drive. Today I learned that. During the evaluation last month my reaction time and processing looked great, but when I was on the road, I couldn't process what was going on. I can't process as much as normal people, but I can overcome that to some extent and lead a normal life.
On the good side because this was stressful, my driving instructor gave me some insight. She told me that the word impossible is basically fake. The word impossible doesn't mean that you can't do it, but that if you put into the work you can be I'm possible. I love that and I want to take that to heart.
This blog is a place to use as a coping skill. I thought I would share because it was kind of a shock to my day.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Whats black, white and read/red all over???
Today has given me a lot too think about. Easily put, it has been a rough day, but that's not what matters. What matters, is how I handle each and every situation that is handed to me. This week I am staying at an apartment where you learn to live on your own. You are responsible, for cooking cleaning and time management which means using an alarm clock.
The cooking and cleaning I am getting the hang of, but the alarm clock is a different story. I absolutely hate using an alarm clock and that maybe because I am black and white and read all over. Yes, let me explain. In my mind this makes perfect sense and sounds clever.
I always feel that I am so black and white and this can become a problem in several situations. Many people think this may have to do with sarcasm, but it has to do with much more. Being black and white affects your ability to change rules and be flexible. This week I have had to be flexible with the alarm clock which has really bothered me.
Aspergers can look like a lot of different things such as OCD, ADHD, and anxiety disorder. My seems to present with all of these. I have had a diagnosis of all of these in the past except for OCD, but I feel that the OCD affects me the most. I always get obsessive about time an weather which is why the alarm clock bothers me. It doesn't help that I don't sleep well when I am away from home.
When I am away from home, my anxiety sky rockets which leaves me constantly scared of what is going to happen. If I am at a hotel with my family I get scared by screaming, sirens and any unfamiliar sound that I hear, which could even be the ice machine down the hall.
As stated above, this week I am at the apartment and I have the typical anxiety and I also have to worry about waking up on time. I always worry that if I don't it will become a burden for my future. I feel that if I don't listen to the alarm clock that is one more x I get on my report card to go further in life. I know its something I can still work on, but I want that goal to be completed.
Sometimes said alarm clock doesn't turn on in the morning because I forgot to turn it back on. This causes me to wake up all night long to check the time. This is where there is the black and white and read all over. I read into things way to much and my world is structured by black and white rules. I am supposed to wake up at a certain time, by golly I wake up at that certain time. I read into this too much by constantly obsessing over the time.
There are definitely pros and cons to this though. I can stay awake all night so that I can pay attention to time and wake up on time or I can sleep through the night and actually get a healthy night sleep. Then the question appears about whether I should sleep with the risk of getting lectured in the morning or staying up all night and being grumpy with my roommates. I think tonight I will sleep all night because I really need it, but that is really hard.
People often have myths about autism that we are blunt, boring and unsocial. I am blunt, but I am social and entertaining. I love to make people laugh. Sometimes it may look like I don't struggle because I am so high functioning, but the autism does come out in its mysterious ways. With time there is know gray!!! :)
The cooking and cleaning I am getting the hang of, but the alarm clock is a different story. I absolutely hate using an alarm clock and that maybe because I am black and white and read all over. Yes, let me explain. In my mind this makes perfect sense and sounds clever.
I always feel that I am so black and white and this can become a problem in several situations. Many people think this may have to do with sarcasm, but it has to do with much more. Being black and white affects your ability to change rules and be flexible. This week I have had to be flexible with the alarm clock which has really bothered me.
Aspergers can look like a lot of different things such as OCD, ADHD, and anxiety disorder. My seems to present with all of these. I have had a diagnosis of all of these in the past except for OCD, but I feel that the OCD affects me the most. I always get obsessive about time an weather which is why the alarm clock bothers me. It doesn't help that I don't sleep well when I am away from home.
When I am away from home, my anxiety sky rockets which leaves me constantly scared of what is going to happen. If I am at a hotel with my family I get scared by screaming, sirens and any unfamiliar sound that I hear, which could even be the ice machine down the hall.
As stated above, this week I am at the apartment and I have the typical anxiety and I also have to worry about waking up on time. I always worry that if I don't it will become a burden for my future. I feel that if I don't listen to the alarm clock that is one more x I get on my report card to go further in life. I know its something I can still work on, but I want that goal to be completed.
Sometimes said alarm clock doesn't turn on in the morning because I forgot to turn it back on. This causes me to wake up all night long to check the time. This is where there is the black and white and read all over. I read into things way to much and my world is structured by black and white rules. I am supposed to wake up at a certain time, by golly I wake up at that certain time. I read into this too much by constantly obsessing over the time.
There are definitely pros and cons to this though. I can stay awake all night so that I can pay attention to time and wake up on time or I can sleep through the night and actually get a healthy night sleep. Then the question appears about whether I should sleep with the risk of getting lectured in the morning or staying up all night and being grumpy with my roommates. I think tonight I will sleep all night because I really need it, but that is really hard.
People often have myths about autism that we are blunt, boring and unsocial. I am blunt, but I am social and entertaining. I love to make people laugh. Sometimes it may look like I don't struggle because I am so high functioning, but the autism does come out in its mysterious ways. With time there is know gray!!! :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Empathy: Conversing vs. Giving
When I was in high school, I took part in social skill groups that were run by my psychologist. In one of the first sessions she asked us if we ever heard of the term "points of view". I thought I knew what social skills I had to work on, but I obviously didn't. Point of view involves empathy and people with aspergers don't have empathy; at least that is what the doctors say.
Today I made a new discovery. I knew I had empathy, but I never knew how to connect with people. Today I learned that there are two kinds of empathy, one of which I am good at and the other I am bad at. The two types are conversing and giving. I am really bad at conversing, but I am great at giving.
I definitely can say that I am one of the most bubbly and outgoing people in many individuals minds. I am not trying to brag, but this is stuff people have told me. I am not trying to be rude, but explain. I may be very bubbly and outgoing, but I can't converse properly. I will go into a conversation and within the first 2-5 minutes I will be talking about myself and monopolizing the conversation. I don't get points of view and how others feel. I just try to converse and I don't think about what my frineds' interests are. I always use the words I and me. I also tend to ask questions about things I am interested in, not what the friend is interested in, but I can't get past this point no matter how hard I try. The bubbly part of me has also lead me to be over exuberant and sometimes hyper and goofy.
On the other hand I am great at giving. For example, if I got to a store, I think about gifts for others. This may include something such as baby clothes or maybe a sweet tea for the receptionist at the docs office. She is addicted to that man!!! I do have to say that I get tempted to get a sweet tea for the receptionist at my doctors office every time I see the doctor. I love to give and I think of others first, but when I am in the moment, I can't think about anyone but myself.
In the future, I think people should change their point of view about asperger syndrome. I do get their point of view on that topic and it needs to change. They think that we don't like to be social and that we have no empathy for others. This has been disproved by this very blog.
Now if I could just figure out to how to use the conversational empathy, my world would be perfect.
Today I made a new discovery. I knew I had empathy, but I never knew how to connect with people. Today I learned that there are two kinds of empathy, one of which I am good at and the other I am bad at. The two types are conversing and giving. I am really bad at conversing, but I am great at giving.
I definitely can say that I am one of the most bubbly and outgoing people in many individuals minds. I am not trying to brag, but this is stuff people have told me. I am not trying to be rude, but explain. I may be very bubbly and outgoing, but I can't converse properly. I will go into a conversation and within the first 2-5 minutes I will be talking about myself and monopolizing the conversation. I don't get points of view and how others feel. I just try to converse and I don't think about what my frineds' interests are. I always use the words I and me. I also tend to ask questions about things I am interested in, not what the friend is interested in, but I can't get past this point no matter how hard I try. The bubbly part of me has also lead me to be over exuberant and sometimes hyper and goofy.
On the other hand I am great at giving. For example, if I got to a store, I think about gifts for others. This may include something such as baby clothes or maybe a sweet tea for the receptionist at the docs office. She is addicted to that man!!! I do have to say that I get tempted to get a sweet tea for the receptionist at my doctors office every time I see the doctor. I love to give and I think of others first, but when I am in the moment, I can't think about anyone but myself.
In the future, I think people should change their point of view about asperger syndrome. I do get their point of view on that topic and it needs to change. They think that we don't like to be social and that we have no empathy for others. This has been disproved by this very blog.
Now if I could just figure out to how to use the conversational empathy, my world would be perfect.
Witnessing a bully and a victim
Through the years, I have been picked on and bullied for my differences. Lets face it, kids these days are picked on for the clothes they wear. I will never forget the year I was in fifth grade. Our teachers told us to make friends now because we wouldn't once we got to middle school. I tried hanging out with the cool kids which ended up being a really bad experience. When I got to middle school, I made tons of friends, but I had to leave because the learning environment wasn't right for me and I wasn't diagnosed with autism yet.
Today, for the first time I was a witness to a little seven year old boy who was being bullied. It was awful and I felt helpless. When I was bullied, I was in the moment and I didn't realize how bad it was until afterward, or maybe that is just how I feel now, but today when this little boy was being bullied, I wanted to do something. I didn't know what to do.
I could help the victim and risk being hurt myself, or I could let the little boy struggle. I could also be nice to the victim, but he's little and would probably be scared since he doesn't know me. He has a sister, but she doesn't seem to help him at all. I find it worse to feel helpless when someone is being bullied than to be bullied myself. I feel that I need to take action, but I don't know how.
I am great at public speaking, but I am just a kid. I don't know where to start. I wish I could have the talent that Temple Grandin has. I wish I could be someone famous who made a difference, maybe like mother teresa. I know, I'm being jealous, but can you blame me? I am helping others too. I have always wanted to speak about my aspergers, so maybe I should start there, but there has to be more done. Those silly status' on facebook do nothing. When people see those they just think another post scam. I even do, even though I have been bullied. Its really the parents or those that post anything and everything while not even paying attention to what they are posting.
Just something to think about
Today, for the first time I was a witness to a little seven year old boy who was being bullied. It was awful and I felt helpless. When I was bullied, I was in the moment and I didn't realize how bad it was until afterward, or maybe that is just how I feel now, but today when this little boy was being bullied, I wanted to do something. I didn't know what to do.
I could help the victim and risk being hurt myself, or I could let the little boy struggle. I could also be nice to the victim, but he's little and would probably be scared since he doesn't know me. He has a sister, but she doesn't seem to help him at all. I find it worse to feel helpless when someone is being bullied than to be bullied myself. I feel that I need to take action, but I don't know how.
I am great at public speaking, but I am just a kid. I don't know where to start. I wish I could have the talent that Temple Grandin has. I wish I could be someone famous who made a difference, maybe like mother teresa. I know, I'm being jealous, but can you blame me? I am helping others too. I have always wanted to speak about my aspergers, so maybe I should start there, but there has to be more done. Those silly status' on facebook do nothing. When people see those they just think another post scam. I even do, even though I have been bullied. Its really the parents or those that post anything and everything while not even paying attention to what they are posting.
Just something to think about
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm growing up too fast!!!
The other week I had posted about my mom having a fit because I am growing up too fast. At that point I was very proud of my accomplishments, but now I feel that I am growing up too fast for myself. Some things that have changed lately are my ability to express myself which has come with this blog, getting my driver's license, going to college, and living on my own.
Two years ago or I mean six months ago, I was having tantrums at least once a week. Yes, I admit I had trouble. I was probably crying everyday for some reason or another. I was going through a horrible time, but over the past six months that has changed. As soon as I left high school, I felt free and I became a shooting star. This may have been that I was having communication problems with one of my teachers. This person didn't get me and I didn't get her. Even though it was unintended on her part, it had an emotional impact on me and impeded my growth. Now a tantrum every month is unusual. Not to mention, this blog has opened me up and has taught me about myself.
The other week I had posted about my mom having a heart attack about driving with me. Today, I went on the bypass with her in the car. I felt that my dad was about ready to explode, but my mother was actually quite calm. I did a great job and was focused, but sometimes I feel that there are too many big things coming up at once. Growing is tough and sometimes there is a lot to take in. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am getting my drivers license and learning to live on my own all at once. Granted I have been going to an apartment for over a year for a week here and there, but I am taking the next step at the apartment and I am being evaluated this week!!!
If you follow my blog to any extent, you know that I am a college student and that this year is my first year. I am taking three classes including a psychology class which I love. I think college is a great experience for me, but sometimes it leaves me thinking I am more capable of taking care of myself than I am. For instance, I had to pack and move out for a week; more on that later. My mom was constantly reminding me what I needed to pack. She was reminding me of stuff I knew to pack, but when it came time to leave, I was still missing half my stuff. This happens because I have trouble with executive functioning. I thought I was capable of packing, but obviously I needed more reminder than I thought, and I gave my mom some attitude. Now, don't get me wrong, I have grown a lot, but I still have a lot more growing to do.
As I said above, I am learning to live on my own and I love it because it makes me feel good, but my past has gotten in my way. The communication problem I had last year still left me emotionally affected. I feel like there is still a burden on my shoulder. I have done a great job in my assisted living place, but I have this feeling all the time that I am going to be yelled at about something because I'm being misunderstood. I know I am not, but because this has happened other times I been in the apartment, I am scared its going to happen again. I have this tension right now because I have a fear. I am not going to die, but I have False Emotions Appearing Real. I really hate fear. I know this week I will do great and I plan on working hard with no attitude no matter what.
Overall, I feel that there is a lot going on, but I know that life is not going to get easier from here on out. I told my mother that I was a weird point in life and she told me I was a drama queen, but I am at a weird point. I don't know how old my friends should be and I am not following the curriculum in my classes to a T because of the program I am in. I know there will always be stresses in life, but we just get better at dealing with them. I need to stay positive and not tell myself that life will get easier because it won't!!!
I think I will leave you hear to think. I think its a lot to take in. Laugh out loud.
Two years ago or I mean six months ago, I was having tantrums at least once a week. Yes, I admit I had trouble. I was probably crying everyday for some reason or another. I was going through a horrible time, but over the past six months that has changed. As soon as I left high school, I felt free and I became a shooting star. This may have been that I was having communication problems with one of my teachers. This person didn't get me and I didn't get her. Even though it was unintended on her part, it had an emotional impact on me and impeded my growth. Now a tantrum every month is unusual. Not to mention, this blog has opened me up and has taught me about myself.
The other week I had posted about my mom having a heart attack about driving with me. Today, I went on the bypass with her in the car. I felt that my dad was about ready to explode, but my mother was actually quite calm. I did a great job and was focused, but sometimes I feel that there are too many big things coming up at once. Growing is tough and sometimes there is a lot to take in. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am getting my drivers license and learning to live on my own all at once. Granted I have been going to an apartment for over a year for a week here and there, but I am taking the next step at the apartment and I am being evaluated this week!!!
If you follow my blog to any extent, you know that I am a college student and that this year is my first year. I am taking three classes including a psychology class which I love. I think college is a great experience for me, but sometimes it leaves me thinking I am more capable of taking care of myself than I am. For instance, I had to pack and move out for a week; more on that later. My mom was constantly reminding me what I needed to pack. She was reminding me of stuff I knew to pack, but when it came time to leave, I was still missing half my stuff. This happens because I have trouble with executive functioning. I thought I was capable of packing, but obviously I needed more reminder than I thought, and I gave my mom some attitude. Now, don't get me wrong, I have grown a lot, but I still have a lot more growing to do.
As I said above, I am learning to live on my own and I love it because it makes me feel good, but my past has gotten in my way. The communication problem I had last year still left me emotionally affected. I feel like there is still a burden on my shoulder. I have done a great job in my assisted living place, but I have this feeling all the time that I am going to be yelled at about something because I'm being misunderstood. I know I am not, but because this has happened other times I been in the apartment, I am scared its going to happen again. I have this tension right now because I have a fear. I am not going to die, but I have False Emotions Appearing Real. I really hate fear. I know this week I will do great and I plan on working hard with no attitude no matter what.
Overall, I feel that there is a lot going on, but I know that life is not going to get easier from here on out. I told my mother that I was a weird point in life and she told me I was a drama queen, but I am at a weird point. I don't know how old my friends should be and I am not following the curriculum in my classes to a T because of the program I am in. I know there will always be stresses in life, but we just get better at dealing with them. I need to stay positive and not tell myself that life will get easier because it won't!!!
I think I will leave you hear to think. I think its a lot to take in. Laugh out loud.
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