What goes down, must come up!!!

      "Why is she so tiny?" I asked my mom driving down the road to daycare one day. I was pertaining to a young girl who had Down Syndrome that attended the same daycare as me. She was born three weeks early and I attributed her small size to the fact that she was born "early". By the time she was eight or nine months old though, I was really starting to wonder what was wrong.

        During this conversation in the car with my mother, she let me know that this young girl had down syndrome. Yes, DOWN syndrome. She was small and had this condition that sounded small too. I then took my facts and looked at them. I came to the conclusion that she was small because of this condition and that short people had down syndrome. This was a bad idea for me as I would later learn.

        Several years later, I was attending a local day camp. There were kids of all different shapes and sizes there. There were small kids and big kids. There were short kids  and there were tall kids, but there were no kids with down syndrome. I being somewhat short, ran into a rather tall kid, but that wasn't the end.

        I would continue to work next to this individual on a nature craft we had been working on. I was talking to him and socially interacting as we did while at camp. Then the thought crossed my mind. I went back to that idea about that young girl with down syndrome. If that young girl with down syndrome, is short, than this kid who is tall must have up syndrome. Yes, I he had up syndrome I thought. So, I went on and thought about this a little longer. I decided to turn to this kid, look him in the eyes (because I am that cool that I have good eye contact) and ask him if he had up syndrome. His, reply was no. Guess what I did then? I proceeded to say, but your tall so you must have up syndrome. I am not exactly sure how the conversation went from there, but I am sure he was extremely confused.

       Now that I look back on this, I can see that even at such a young and innocent age, I was more literal than my peers. Surely no kid at my age who knew what Down Syndrome was, would think up these ideas. I sure had the wheels turning, but I was trying to make sense of my world. At this time I am still trying to work on some of this literal stuff. I may not be trying to connect the facts that there is no up syndrome, but I am working on other stuff right now.

      For instance, I have a friend that will be moving soon. This friend I have become really close with, but with long distance, I have to understand that not everything is black and white. I have to understand that this person isn't going to be a stranger, but they aren't going to be a best friend either. They are going to stay in contact with me, but we don't know how often. So they aren't friend or a stranger, but something in between. Maybe that person I ran into didn't have down syndrome or up syndrome but maybe he was a tall average in between.

Gone Fishing

     Fishing for compliments has always been a weakness for me!!! I am one of those individuals makes something and then asks someone else how I did. I do it all the time. I am constantly going fishing for those compliments, but I feel that those compliments have also hurt me in some way.s Yeah, you make be thinking they hurt me because I rely on others to reward me for my efforts, but thats actually not the problem in this situation.

      The other day something bad happened to me. We all half rough days and some days are rougher than others. I came home and talked to my parents about what had happened. My parents are huge supporters for me. They were shocked what had happened and felt so bad for me, but also let me know later that everything was okay. I had gone fishing and I had caught a fish. I won!!!

        Yes, I do rely on my parents for support. I don't try to trick them into doing things, but that natural fishing tendency for compliments for sympathy is always there. When something happens I tell them about it whether it is really good or really bad, but this time it was something bad. When its something good everything goes okay, but when its something bad, not the so much.

       When this bad thing happened the other day, I kind of just laughed it off. I have gotten kind of good at laughing my stress off in certain situations. This situation I kind of just laughed it off, but I made sure I let my parents know what happened. I originally told my mom who then told my dad. He was shocked then.

       Great!!! I've caught two fish now who are on my team, so now I can throw my self that wonderful pity party and start fixating. Now I can really make myself feel crappy after something had happened that I had actually brushed off. If I have two people who are on my side, my parents for instance, I am ready to latch on and take everything for a ride. They all gave me and inch, but I took a mile and decided to sob and continue to ask questions and say how horrible this event was, but the fact is that its not going to ruin my life and sometimes I need to shut up and get on with life.

      If my parents weren't huge supporters, I probably would have rubbed it off. The fact is that they are huge supporters so I didn't. Its extremely important for me to have good parents as it is for anybody else, but there comes a time where I guess they need to take the bite and go to let me handle my situations on my own. I need to take space and time to heal on my own as this makes things heal much faster. When I have tantrums, I heal faster when no one is talking to me. its the same thing. I get into a big fight when I am upset and when someone is shocked, I make a mountain out of something that is really just a mole hill.

       On the other hand, I really need to work on the compliment fishing. I can't always have people please with me. Yes, I may work hard, but I am an adult and I should be able to soothe and congratulate myself. I shouldn't need to show people a picture I colored and have them tell me how well I did. Not even a puzzle for that matter!!! I am an adult and its about time I act like one.

God knows how to CELEBRATE!!!

     Today we were supposed to go to surprise 50th birthday party, but those plans to a little messed up. Now don't get me wrong, we did go to the party, but it wasn't as we had planned. I being the weather freak in my family, had to be obsessing over oncoming storms all day. The party started at 4 and it looked like the rain was going to start right at 4!!! Well we ended up getting to the party at 5 and the rain followed us there.

       We finally arrived at the party with the rain. Everyone was begging for food and ready to get the party started. One individual decided to quiet us down and we all bowed our heads and prayed for our blessing of food and the weather we had considering it could be worse. Then it was time to get food.

         The skies were light and the air was breezy. The rain had stopped for a little bit, but as soon as we managed to form a line the clouds came over the mountains and into the valley. I am pretty sure I have never seen a storm like this. One second it was bright and sunny and the next it was literally as dark as night fall with rain. We all wondered where the thunder and lightning was. Then it came. Now let me remind you this was a 50th birthday party.

           As we waited in line, I saw the sky darkening, the trees blowing and I felt the rain brewing. If you read my last blog post you would know that I absolutely hate little rain drops landing on my arm. Think about it this way. Every time a drop of rain falls on my arm, it feels as though I was just startled by something like when you hear a loud noise or something big happens in a movie. That jump out of your seat moment. Thats what every drop is like for me.

       If you knew me when I was young, you would know that I was scared to death of thunderstorms. This had to do with sensory issues as a child. When I was in 9th grade I was finally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which now that I look back, I developed between 5th and 6th grade. When I was in middle school and high school my knowledge of thunderstorms and tornadoes grew which made me even more scared. I eventually got over this fear in probably 10th grade, but I still can't be outside when one is happening.

        This spring my anxiety continued to rise again after being under control for a while. I am now scared of thunderstorms more so than I have been over the past few years. No worse than when I was little, but right up there. While waiting in line I had one of those outbursts. God sure knows how to rock the party!!! He celebrated a YOUNG mans birthday by replenishing the earth in an unforgettable way, but man that was not fun.

          Before we had left for this party and this thunderstorm/party that god was throwing, I had asked my dad how they were going to keep the tent safe with the wind since I had my eye on the storm. His response: J that isn't going to happen and the wind won't be that bad. Well, I proved him wrong. The girls stood in line and about 50 men must have been standing on the one side of the tent literally holding the darn thing up. That was quite the sight to see.

          Since I am already scared of thunderstorms, being outside with the rain, thunder and tent was no joke. This is when I lost it and had a sensory meltdown. The cold wind against my body, the rain drops hitting at any giving time and the tent falling sent me into a sensory meltdown. I was overwhelmed by the idea of a storm, the sensory issues, and the fear of the tent flying across the yard and hurting someone as well as getting struck by a darn lightning bolt and everyone is trying to tell me to calm down??? Hello!!!

       In the midst of all of this, the men holding the tent started bursting out in song, singing Happy Birthday. This was quite the seen. We ate our food, dad was drenched and so therefore we went home. Oh no thats not it. Not only did we go home, but we went home to change just to go back out to get a piece of cake!!! Yes, a darn piece of cake. I on the other hand decided to stay home and curl up under my WEIGHTED blanket and listen as the thunderstorms rolled by my nice cozy and SAFE house while they went out to EAT CAKE. I decided to stay home because of the thunder. They said they would bring me back a piece, but you know you can't always have your cake and eat it too. Therefore, I chose to stay home and not eat my cake. I got the coziness of home, but no cake.

   I just can't imagine ten years from now looking back on this party!!! God definitely knows how to celebrate with storms replenishing this earth!!! :)

Hygiene and High Heels

    It's summer time and I am ready to try a new pair of shoes. I know I said back in the fall that I was wearing sneakers. Well, that didn't work out so well, but i did where them sometimes. Now I am serious though. I have decided to forget about the comfort and think about the look. I am wearing sandals, flip-flops and high-heels. Anything that will look nice.

       As I said before I have officially graduated from High School. The one thing that they did note was that I have grown and changed in many different ways, but one way that I haven't changed is my hygiene and appearance. The CROCS, they were a small part about appearance.

        Ever since I was little, it has taken me longer than normal to learn how to do things that typical kids my age do. My mom would have to remind me to do stuff that the typical kid automatically knew to do. I feel that I can partly blame this on routine and changing my routine. I would simply forget because my routine was deeply engraved into my head for so many years.

         Over my tween years I had to learn to remember to put a bra on and put deodorant on everyday. I had to remember to shave once in a while. These things didn't come easy to me as I had several years of the same routine behind me. Then came the cleaning up part. I had the hardest time learning to wash my face every morning and evening. That was harder than all of the other stuff learned combined. I never knew why it took me so long to learn this until maybe high school. I have some mild, key word MILD tactile sensory issues. Yes, I have stated before that I love pressure and seek it, but I avoided anything cold or wet on my face, and I absolutely hate the rain drops hitting my arms.

        I never had a real idea about what it meant to be beautiful or to have a good appearance. I have grown up in a world where I am simply J. I have always been taught to accept my self for who I am and that god had put me here for a purpose. Sometimes that can translate in a negative way though. My face for example, should be washed everyday!!! Is it washed everyday? No. I can't stand the feeling of the water, and if god gave me pimples, so be it!!! Thats the way he made me.

        Now that being said, I understand that I still need to keep up my appearances a little bit. I do everything else I need to for hygiene, but I just can't get a grip of washing my face. I try to smell pretty and I TRY to keep my hair looking nice, but the face is different.

        I also want to say along with these goals that I have accomplished and am still working on I have have discovered high heels and dress. Oh boy!!! For those of you that know me, you know that I am croc addict, but its been 80 degrees or so for a while and I haven't ordered or purchased one pair of summer crocs. I have bought three pairs of sandals and my mother is going to be ordering a nice pair of everyday sandals from Teva shortly.

         Overall I do like to feel good about myself. I do want to appear well and I do want to have someone attracted to me at some point. Oh no was that TMI? lol To be perfectly honest I haven't had a boyfriend yet!!! Its driving me insane. I am old and I am old enough that I probably should have been dating for a while now, but I guess its just life.

          As far as makeup goes, FORGET IT!!! Maybe I need to wash my face and wear makeup on occasion. Makeup everyday??? Are you kidding me? God didn't give us the face we have to mask it and this belief I am sticking with.

Tears of Joy

    Last week I had my graduation which went fabulous. Each individual who graduated this year had the opportunity to create a graduation speech. This was a time to reflect on where you have grown and thank the people that have helped you through your high school years. This was also a time unbeknownst to me, where a teacher, mentor, job coach or boss got to say a little bit about you and how you have changed.

     As I was sitting in line on stage as they had a row of seats for the graduates, I was thinking to myself who could possibly be my speaker. I had no idea. I was called up to give my speech and the individual who gave a speech about me was the learning support teacher I had for my last two years of high school. I was so happy.

     She walked up to the podium and started her awesome speech. Okay I said, I got this!!! I never cry. Well, I cried. Let me tell you I actually shed a few tears of happiness because I was able to see how much someone really cares about your accomplishments. Sure, I have great parents and great people in my life. People tell me how proud they are of me all the time, but that speech that said everything good about me  blew me away.

      If you know me, I never get teary eyed. Well thats not exactly true with all the tantrums I have thrown in life. I do admit I am a very sensitive person, but that is only when something doesn't go my way such as ordering the right pizza. :) mom!!! I don't get upset about big stuff though.

       If I were to go to a funeral, chances are I wouldn't cry. I mean don't get me wrong, I care, but I just don't get emotional. Another example would be that in which everyone important to me cried when I went off with my prom date in my senior year. I just don't get upset like that.

     On the other hand this has changed over the past year or two. I remember going to camp for my last time last year. I was given a gift that had a phrase said by Walt Disney on it. It made my heart melt.  I was washed away with tears. This once again, happened during my graduation where I cried over the kind words everyone said about me.

      Sometimes I feel like a fool because I don't give the proper emotions for a particular situation. Like I said people probably think I am crazy when I don't cry over someone dying. Let me just clarify, I do have empathy, but it is shown in a different way than in the typical person.

Can I have your phone number?

    Think back and imagine those times where you have been on the phone or standing next to someone who is listing off the digits of a phone number as you try to write them down as fast as you can before you forget them. Now imagine that being your life. Imagine living a life where everything said to you was coming in one ear and going out the other like those digits slip out of your head so fast. They are just there long enough for you to think you know what they are, but you still say what???

      Welcome to my world. There have been many times that I have said what to someone, not because I can't hear them, but because I can't process what they are saying. I know I have had this problem particularly with my mom. I know we have had conversations about it. She has asked me stuff like why do you always say what? I am not hearing impaired, but I do have sensory and processing issues.

       This specifically happens when I am asked a question or told to do something. I will frequently ask what??? If you ever notice I only do it once when I ask. I am typically able to get it the second time. My ears hear what you say and my brain receives the information, but it doesn't process it fast enough to retain much. This may be hard for you to understand so let me try to give you an example.

         Lets use the telephone again. I am sitting on the phone and someone rattles off numbers to me. You hear the numbers and you are going through the numbers over and over again in your head as you continue to listen. When the speaker has finished you remember the numbers of the phone number, but you can't remember what order they are in or you think you know what that number is but your not sure. Someone may say go put your laundry down the chute and I may hear that. I may process it, but it sounds like  someone running by. It just felt to fast and by the time you say what, you are pretty sure you know what they said, but its an automatic reflex to ask. They then reply and you are content and ready to move forward.

          I also have a problem with conversations. If I am talking to someone I may start to nod my head and say okay, but I may only be getting maybe 70% of what you are saying. I may miss a sentence or two and chime back in. I am sure this happens to everyone, but I have trouble filtering out everything in my environment to focus on just one thing sometimes. I feel as though this was an important lesson I have learned.

       Lets take it a step forward and look at how people who have full blown autism look at the world. If I have to ask what all the time, just think about what people with autism may be thinking. Instead of just  not interpreting what you are saying, they may very well not even process or pick up on every word you use.

         Now think about someone with severe autism and how they may see the world. Think about them being in a situation where they must be productive and follow direction. If they aren't able to understand what you are saying, they won't be able to get the job done. You are going to want to use concrete words and basic instructions. It may take more patients, but they are the hardest working individuals. For example if you want them to set the table and you want to tell pick up your backpack, you may want to say pickup backpack. When talking to someone with autism those extra words such as yours are unnecessary. I have been able to learn this from my own aspergers.

Blinded

    We start out everyday at school with a class called transition. Its basically "circle time" for 18-21 year old special needs students. We talk about real life issues and how to deal with them. We talk about growing up and social skills. Last week there was a transition that had significant importance to me. We talked about how to join a conversation.

     We have four interns who decided to do some role playing for us. They did several skits to show us how to join a conversation and how not to join a conversation or group of friends. The first actor joined the group in a very exuberant and high energy way!!! It was very obvious that this was the wrong way to join a group, but then my classmates started noticing facial expressions too.

      Next they had a few people come in and stand quietly outside the circle. This was almost too far away. I got that also, but I wasn't sure why they didn't invite her in still. My classmates once again noted more facial expressions.

      Then they finally had one last person come in. This person stood quietly outside the group but was invited in. I completely understood her being invited in. She was verbally welcomed into the group, but once again I was blinded from the facial expressions and body language given. I clearly know some facial expressions though.

       I can tell you that I do know what a smile and a frown are. I know what it means to be happy and sad. I know what it looks like when something smells bad or if someone is angry. Its the more subtle stuff that I don't get. People have always told me I don't pick on body language, but I thought I did a decent job. After this week, I clearly don't.

     During that last skit a friend noticed a friendly smile and a wave as to say join in the group. I got the verbal cues, but I didn't notice the hand wave or the smile. To me, the faces seemed static. There was no real emotional change to the group. LIke I said I can recognize a smile means happy, but that would be the extent. I've seen people use those flash cards to teach facial expression, but that just doesn't work.

      I have probably said this before, but autism is a processing disorder. I knew this was something I needed to work on. There is just too much to look at that you brain selects what its going to focus on. For example here are somethings that your brain could focus on: spacial distance to the group, interruption, appropriate comments that apply to the conversation you are joining, the volume of your voice and theirs and clearly the facial expressions.

       I knew I had trouble with reading social situations, but to be perfectly honest, maybe I thought I had more trouble with applying than understanding. If I can't understand the facial cues that change so little how do you expect me to converse typically?