Awesome Woman Exemplar

     Yesterday, I was among 33 women chosen from my campus to be awarded the Awesome Women Exemplar Award. I am proud to have won something with such high honors even though I know there are other women who may have deserved this even more than me. I can't say thank you enough to the individual who nominated me and the individuals who made the beautiful reception such a success.

"I have had the pleasure of working with Simply J very closely during her time here at PCT. Jordan was quick to identify her own strengths and weakness while in this new educational environment which was a tremendous adjustment for her. Jordan was eager to learn various ways to effectively communicate with faculty, students, and staff on campus as she saw the importance of collaborating with others to further her understanding of her major, the coursework, and developing interpersonal skills needed currently and for life after college. She has proved to me to be a remarkable woman in how she overcame barriers that she has experienced during her first year. She has demonstrated to me from the beginning that she was dedicated to her study and is very excited about it." D

"Over the summer, Simply J assisted staff in our office with a summer program for High School students grade 9-11. She was able to share her experience and provide feedback to educate this student population to assist them with transitioning from High School to Post-secondary .This year she assisted our office by taking on the role of a social mentor that is targeted to assisting current students with engaging into the college community. The social mentor also assist students with areas of executive functioning. Simply J has been a delight tot work with while in this role. She takes her work very seriously and has a lot of passion for assisting other students. I definitely admire this passion and know that she has a bright future ahead of her in her field while working with people. Jordan has gone above and beyond hr roel as a mentor and has become one of our most dependable mentors int he program. She is an asset to our program and I have confidence that others will benefit from her". D

Taking Advantage

     People have taken advantage of me my whole life because I am an innocent, gullible person who can easily be fooled. I would have thought that as I grew older I would get better at detecting such things, but I haven't. I can vividly remember the girls throwing sand on me going down a slide, the girls who sang "There she goes again" while we ate lunch because I was trying to sit with the cool kids, the girl who threatened to call the cops on because I was "trespassing" because didn't believe I had the same Godfather as her and I was "trespassing" on her friends property,   and now someone sneakily pretending to be in the same room as me, having me hunt her down so I could catch up with her and to later learn she wasn't there after all. What other things, bigger things in the future will people do to take advantage of me?
     Often times growing up in my neighborhood, I would ride my bike around and ring doorbells just trying to find someone to play with. I would often end of at Kara's house where we would play in the basement, play outside, and pretend A LOT. Of the many things we pretended to be were mom's, camp counselors and ride attendants at water parks. I always seemed to get the "dirty job" and would be taken advantage of. The one day when we decided to play "water park", I was a customer going down a water slide off the swing set. I would climb up the ladder and go down the slide as they poured water on me and the slide. There was a reason I was the only person going down the slide. The water in the bucket was mixed with this oh so wonderful stuff called sand. After a few times, I finally realized what was going on, but had hope that maybe someone else would go down the slide or that the next bucket wouldn't have sand in it. I went home that night with sand in my hair and gritty teeth. I'll never forget it.
      In fifth grade, my teacher told the class that we better make friends now because once we got to middle school, it would be a lot harder. After that, I decided to start sitting with the "cool" kids instead of the table I had been sitting at. The table I had been sitting at, had been the table of kids who were mostly in learning support together all day. I wanted to try and make friends with my "neurotypical" peers. As soon as I started sitting at the new table, they realized that I was this wonderful ball they could bounce. They new they could get me all riled up and cause me to react or bounce. They played "not it" games and it wasn't like we had to do a chore. It was more along the lines of being characters from movies such as Dumb and Dumber, I always ended up being the worst character. I remember them saying I was the character named Mental? I still haven't seen the damn movie.
     Then there was that wonderful day when I was playing with neighborhood friends in one of their backyards. I guess the parents weren't home and we were old enough to be alone. I said something about a man two of us mutually knew being my Godfather. He was my Godfather, but he is now deceased. The girl started cornering me into showing "proof" he was my Godfather. What proof? I have supposedly have pictures of him and I and his family and my family went to see Sesame on Stage when I was little. After not showing proof and refusing to leave because I did nothing wrong, these preteens threatened to call the cops on me for trespassing. Supposedly this man was this girls Godfather also, which meant that he couldn't be mine. it highly offended her that I said such a thing about her deceased Godfather.
     Now today, I'm struck with some of the same stupid situations I dealt with in Elementary and Middle School. Last night I was at a magic/comedy show thing on campus. There was a lady behind me that knew me and had a friend who has since graduated that knew me. The lady sitting behind me must've texted the other girl who had previously been my friend until we had a falling out last spring. Next thing I know, the girl who I had the falling out with, is texting me saying "I see you". I was looking all around the auditorium and couldn't find her. I asked her where she was and she said she wouldn't tell me. She told me I had to come and find her. I asked her to give me a general sense of where she was and she told me birds eye view. Next thing I know, she tells me exactly what I am wearing and is accurate. I find out at the end of the show that she wasn't even there, I looked like a gullible fool, and she was texting back and forth with the girl behind me who was giving her the details.
     I look back at these situations and wonder how vulnerable my little soul is. I think it is one thing to be young and not understand. That fact that I am a young adult now and people still take advantage of me, scares me. It's still been little things in the grand scheme of the world, but still. What happens when I get into a romantic relationship with someone? How will I know if they are taking advantage of me? They could say they are at work, and really be cheating on me. I wouldn't know the difference. Then there are those suck ups. People who break up and then want to get back together. How vulnerable will I be then, since I like to be friends with everyone. Will I trust that person again and want to make up? these things scare me and I'm not sure what to do. Currently I'm in the process of working with a newly developing autism program in our area and they want me to be on the housing committee. I happy that hopefully I will have a safety net my whole life. It will be interesting to see how strong the safety net is though. There is only so much others can do.
   

She's special

     It's that time of year again, where classes are starting up. Every semester I am given a new set of teachers and every semester a new set of challenges. Sometimes the most challenging thing is to receive the proper disability accommodation in any given class. Sometimes its a struggle to access an appropriate note taking system, other times it's a matter as simple as trying to access my curriculum in an appropriate way from the front of the classroom, given my visual impairment. I know what's appropriate to ask for and what isn't, but sometimes professors have a different idea in mind. Most semesters I run into a least one professor who isn't flexible. This semester's problem is note taking.

     When I originally requested disability services at the college I'm attending, one of the accommodations I was given was a note taker. Even back in high school I never had a note taker. There was typically a paraprofessional in my classroom taking notes for another individual and I had access to the notes, but it wasn't in my IEP. The paraprofessional was able to help me fill in the minute details that I would miss and I was allowed to use a recording device for audio. That was it. Now that I'm in college and have specific labels, I automatically get specific services, one being the notetaker.

     This semester, I have some professors that are strict about use of note taking devices in their classes. I prefer to take my own notes via my computer and microsoft word. I really don't like trying to decipher notes that other people have taken. On the first day of classes, I sat in on a class where the teacher insists that if you use a computer, you must sit in the back. That's all fine and well for most, but I also have a visual impairment and must sit in the front row. When I brought this to the teacher's attention I was asked, "what do I tell the other students, when they ask?" Fortunately, I am extremely open about things, but that is extremely awkward none the less. I feel like the only thing the teacher could say is, "she's special".

     Over the years I have been extremely open about my disabilities, but in the past it has been difficult to explain things to my peers. It's not a secret if you have a disability, but people don't know how to take it when they are told you have one. Most of the time, they just back off as if your some sort to of alien. When I asked the question, I really didn't know what to think about the situation. As of right now, I have dropped the class for other reasons. In the meantime I still have other classes where computers aren't allowed to be used and I still face the same difficulty with peers. As of right now, it looks like my teacher's are just going to tell people I'm special. It doesn't feel right, but I don't know what to say.

New Year, New Beginning

     It has been forever since I have blogged here (publicly). The past year has been an emotional roller coaster like I haven't experienced before, but things are looking up. This past year, I made Dean's list for spring and fall, my resident's coordinator moved to Scotland, I became a social mentor (opposed to mentee last year), I got accepted into the OT program and attended to school trips to NY and DC. There has been learning, growing, laughing and crying. I'm going to kick this year off with a photo update!!!

Started the year off with a presentation from John Ratzenberger. Our school just celebrated its centennial in 2014 and this was on of the guest speakers! 

Traveled to NY in March or a spring break trip with friends to serve the Habitat for Humanity of Westchester

L Graduated from high school and I ran into an old high school teacher of mine. I don't think my brother would be happy if I posted his picture here. :) 

Went to Applebee's on Laura's Birthday and got huge pitchers of water as a joke since she drinks a lot of water. Laura you are a rock star and we love you!!! 

Went to wingfest with E! This is how I spent most Wednesday's with a friend and it was a great way to get out of the house! 

Spent most weekends at local state parks walking and talking on the nature trails. 

Spent many days this summer at the Arboretum with family and sometimes even friends! 

Reunited with Laura before I had to travel back to school! She came to get ice cream at the Creamery and stop by to say hello since I had to work

Susquehanna Valley Fall retreat! We partnered up with two other Cru campuses for an awesome get together. 

Went to pick out a Christmas tree! This was the first time Grandma was able to come with us to pick it out! 

Said goodbye to my resident coordinator for the past two years. He has helped me adjust to college and overcome some of the obstacles of Asperger's 

Accepted into the OT program at school. It took a year and a half to do so and it was worth every second! 

Finished the year with a trip to D.C. with Cru for the Mid-Atlantic Regional Conference! 

Thunderstorms

     "What's a seizure?", my friends would as my daddy tried explaining the differences in my brain when I was little. My father would grab the remote and turn the television on. He would try to find a channel that had a lot of static and he would tell them that the seizure was like a thunderstorm. As I grew older, I started to develop violent tantrums where there would be anger raging in my body. At one point I even kicked a hole in a wall. My dad liked to refer to these as trains that wouldn't stop. As of late, I have discovered these are more like storms than they are like trains. Much similar to the thunderstorm analogy of my seizures.
      When I have a tantrum, my father likes to describe them as trains that won't stop because he can't control my behaviors when I get into these fits. It's just like not having control over a run-away train. You have to let the rage run it's course and when it's over, then we can talk about what happened. Over the past couple months, I have had more and more of these episodes that I now like to call thunderstorms. Things haven't been easy in my life and there have been some challenges that I have had to work through, which in turn has created extra frustration in my life.
     When a thunderstorm occurs, there is humidity that builds up over time. Eventually you can't put anymore humidity into the atmosphere and the sky has to fall or produce rain. The sky has to let this built up "anger" or humidity out. This is essentially what happens when I have these meltdowns. The anger is like humidity in the sky. Sometimes it takes a couple storms for all the humidity to disappear and for the sky to be clear. This also happens when I have my tantrums. This week in particular was pretty rough and there were a lot of storms figuratively and literally.
     This humidity that occurs in my body isn't just built up from one thing, but it builds up from many. It's one thing to have personal stuff going on and it's another thing to have Asperger's. When I look at the fact that I am working 32 hours a week, it's a lot to think about and process. When I work at the creamery, the milkshake machines rev up and scrape against the medal cups they mix the ice cream in, the music plays in the background, the caller shouts ice cream flavors, the guests giggle and converse and I am left in this hurricane of commotion. Afterwards, I have to come home and function as a family or in a group of people who have to communicate and support each other. Needless to say, you can't blame this.
     By no means am I making excuses. This is all part of the Aspergers, yes, but this is something that I need to over come. Sometimes I need to have those thunderstorms to clear my mind and that has been the case lately. In the mean time, I am working on other ways to cope. Considering the apserger's and the sensory processing issues, I try to take frequent "scoop" breaks at work to clean tables or clean dishes so my demands on not as high, but I am still being productive. I now need to work on this at the house. I need to look at demands of my family and write lists. I'm not on a time crunch so lists shouldn't be a problem. I can do this.
   

The Impossible

     I don't say it very often because I try to stay strong, but some circumstances have come up that are next to impossible for me to handle right now. I have posted previously about many things that have happened that have upset ended up causing me to write the blogpost about shit that's happened. Not only has "shit happened" now, but I feel like God is leading me in a different direction and some of the things that have happened have been for a reason.
     About a month ago, I found out that I didn't make it into my program at school. The circumstances that this occurred under were pretty ironic? It was almost as if it was meant to be. First off, I had a really high point score, second I had made Dean's list and third, I had a bunch of transfer credits. Given the fact that I had all this going for me, the transfer credits transferred, but didn't give me full credit which is a different story for a different day. I talked to my advisor and she is letting me give it another try to get in the program for next year.
     Two weeks ago I started working in a life skills classroom in my local school district. The first week I was there, I was completely giddy about the experience. I loved every second of it. My mother suggested the idea of becoming a paraprofessional if things with Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. That following weekend, I headed over to my friend's apartment to help my mother clean it (my friend has been int he hospital). I noted how cozy it was and told my mom that I could totally live in an apartment like that and be a para. We calculated money stuff and thought this was a possibility if Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. I still continue to enjoy my para job.
     Last fall, my advisor set my schedule up with classes I needed. In October, I was informed by my disability specialist that I could receive preferential scheduling for my classes before everyone else scheduled. This would allow me to be put in classes where my learning disability "needs" could be met in the best way possible. I chose a particular anatomy professor after having great success the first semester. Considering the fact that I didn't make it into my program, I decided to repeat my Anatomy 1 class with the same professor for a better grade.
     This morning I received an email informing me that I was taken out of the Anatomy class of my choosing and was assigned a new professor given my schedule. I went and looked at the revised schedule to find out that I was put with a professor who absolutely can't meet my needs as they can't meet the typical student's needs. On average, every student in this class gets a C or lower and grades are never returned. Your given a grade at the end of the semester. Never mind the fact that this is also the hardest general ed class that I will take.
     I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to fight for what I want and accommodate my needs in the classroom. I was put with this teacher, out of all the possible teachers, after already being placed in a class that got cancelled. I enjoy my job where I am. The only thing that was really going to help me next semester was this class and a math class. Considering the professor, this class isn't going to help me, but will hinder me. I almost wonder if this is God's way of leading me in a different direction. I don't know what to do. I'm calling the school ASAP tomorrow morning and going from there.

Shit happens

     Often times we think about going to a therapist because we have a mental illness. We need someone to help us with it and "fix" us, but sometimes we just need to go. As of Thursday, I have officially decided to start seeing a therapist again, not because of my anxiety disorder, but because Shit happens. I don't think I have had a smooth week since the beginning of March to be perfectly honest.
    I went to see my psychiatrist on Thursday for my regular check up. I told him school went well and then I started sharing my sob story and literally started to bawl in his office which I never do. Long story short, he looks at me and tells me he doesn't think i need a medicine change, but I need a therapist to talk to. Boy was he right and I wasn't going to complain. I was hoping that was what he was going to say. After the appointment, I checked out and scheduled and app for a therapist. Low and behold, I was able to get in that afternoon.
     My psychiatrist has me on medication for a generalized anxiety disorder and that wasn't the problem. The problem was that shit happened, I developed emotions and I don't know how to react to this new bag of tricks/emotions that are being thrown at me. I hesitated at first to go see a therapist, but I knew I needed to. I told my psychiatrist that whoever I saw better not continually repeat,"so how do you feel about that" and "so what your saying is...". The psychiatrist took a post-it note and wrote down three therapist names and told us to contact them in that order. I got into our first choice even though she's pretty full.
     Anyway, back to this whole things happen deal. In march, spring break was the breaking point for everyone before they went bat shit crazy. There were not only 8 weeks left for the semester, but 8 weeks left for the whole school year. Everyone decided they were done and therefore they didn't have to get along with anyone. I had games "stolen" and given back, I had puzzles torn apart and mixed together and a slew of other things I'm not going to go into detail about. This stuff continued to happen until the end of the school year. Once school was over, then it was all the media's fault. The Washington Post had to moronic and post ridiculous articles about the rate of homicide or mass murderer's among the Asperger's population and Elliott Rodgers ticked every aspie on this planet off.
     Following those two things and remembering Adam Lanza, the Slenderman story came out. I hit the ground in tears praying to God that the girls involved in this incident didn't have Asperger's too. An article came out shortly after stating that one of them had a mental illness. Yippeee!!! :( In the middle of all of this, two people who I used to work with sadly passed away.
     Now were at the end of May and the beginning of June. I get the stomach bug and I'm out of commission for a whole week. I come back from camp and I find out that I didn't get into the Occupational Therapy program at school, which made me mad at myself that I didn't do better. Now I sit here and my friend is in the ICU fighting to have a "normal" life/future ahead of her. Among this, there are so many other things that I could share, but are just too deep and too personal too share, but I think this is enough to get the picture. Oh and now I'm down and hopefully not out of commission with a cold.
      Needless to say, I just need to have one smooth week. Most people may be thinking that things just happen in life and we have to get over them, but when you grew up having minimal empathy and you go threw an emotional growth spurt, you don't always know what to do with yourself and sometimes you need some help learning how to cope again. For example, I don't typically cry when someone dies, but the past two times it happened, I got quite upset.
     When I finally met up with this new therapist, she actually told me straight up how it was and asked lots of question ranging from religion, to medical history and everything in between. So far she's a keeper and I hope to grow a lot over the summer even if I got to this point because shit happened!!!