What is a true friend?

      "Mom, what is a true friend then?", I often ask! Back in middle school I was still learning what it meant to be friends with someone and that there is a difference between friends and acquaintances. My mother would often times tell me that I didn't have any "real" friends, but some day I would developed a true friendship. I would often times reply with, "Does this mean Emma is a real friend?" Emma was probably the first friend I had; she was the friend I met in daycare and the friend who would come over every Christmas Eve to decorate cookies and exchange gifts. "We've known each other since we were 6 months", I would often times here Emma exclaim when she introduced our relationship to a stranger. As we grew older though, our interests grew apart and for the last couple of years we haven't had Christmas Eve together.
       Today I still battle with the question, "who is my friend, and who is an acquaintance?" I often times find someone that is nice to me and that I trust and I automatically think they are my best friend because they understand me. Unfortunately, over time I have realized this is not the case and these relationships end up revolving around me and my emotional well-being. I end up sharing my deepest darkest secrets and I end up just venting to these individuals which turns into depending on these individuals. I know, when you think of a friend, you think of someone who you are to depend on as we are all somewhat dependent on others. It's human nature to depend on others, but more in a social sense, a sense in which you are able to develop common interests and relate to each other on a more informal level that I don't totally understand yet.
      People often say that individuals who have Asperger's syndrome don't understand empathy, but its much the opposite of that. When I was younger, my mother once shared an article with me that described autism as a condition in which we actually feel the emotions of everyone around us and therefore look like we aren't empathetic because we shut down to deal with our own emotions. I really didn't believe that was the case for me, but as I learn more about myself I am realizing this is true for myself too. I've always been someone who hates to see others upset. I continuously feed off of the emotions of others and worry about how others feel to the point of anxiety. "Are you mad at me?" and "Did I do something?" are often times questions that I ask. Given these struggles with understanding who are my friends versus acquaintances and how I interpret empathy along with my ability to understand these concepts, I am better able to understand my relationships with others.
      Typically the people who I value as friends, are those who first and foremost understand me for who I am and are nice to me. Secondly, I love the people in my life who I know there particular interests. For example, I have one close adult "friend" who I love because I know how to please her. If I were to ever get a gift for her, I would get something that had to do with sock monkeys, the color purple, or something zebra print; A McDonald's sweet tea would always do the trick too.
      A lot of times people have talked about the different types of love and I definitely think my type of love is the giving type. I show my love by giving someone something that I know they will like. Often times this makes things harder to truly build those relationships because I don't always have the strongest conversation skills and I often times monopolize the conversation. The problem is that people want to be cared about and sometimes that means being able to put yourself in their shoes and understand emotionally how they are feeling which I don't always get. I also don't know how to really strike a conversation about something with someone without telling a story. Really, what do people talk about? I love telling funny stories and to be able to have something to talk about you need stories, but then conversations change and then I feel lost. I often times have trouble with change and when conversation changes, I don't always know what to add. Sometimes I'm still focused on what I wanted to add to the last conversation. Friends are such a complicated matter.

Goals and Growth

     I've been in school for two weeks now and I have already learned so much. I've even learned a lot about myself. Guess what? The meltdowns have been a little bit closer together, but it's not anxiety, it's growth. I'm going through a social/emotional growth spurt again!!! I'm learning so much and I have so many goals that I'm working on right now. Some of the goals that I'm working on, include  meeting people half way,  building social and emotional stamina, and being able to read my body more clearly and learn new copings kills.

     Ever since I've been at college, I've been extremely socially active. I go to events on campus all the time, but I always seem to go alone. The actual activity of going has kept me going; it hasn't been the friends that I've made. This summer I met with my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor and we set some goals. One of the goals we set was to meet people half way when it comes to what activities I participate in. Last year, I would often times eat alone because I wanted to eat on my own time and I would always go to events I wanted to go to, not events others wanted to go to. For example, I never wanted to go to the gym at 8 o'clock at night, but I'd love to go see a comedian. Sometimes my pod mates would want to go to an event, but it would be when I had to get school work done. This year I'm finally going to events with my pod mates. Today we're having a little league party and watching a game on television. I'm not a baseball fan, but I want to be with my people.

     A large goal that I have been working on is building social and emotional stamina. I've always been an outgoing people person, but I also like to go back to my room to reboot sometimes. In past years I've been able to do that. This year, it hasn't been as easy. I started my first part-time job as a full-time college student and I'm involved in a lot of clubs on campus. I'm also mentoring new students. It's all been great, but it doesn't give me much free time. When there is an event in the evening as there has been every night since I've started, I always want to go. Sometimes though, I end up melting down from exhaustion and the tears just come. Our school has an even every night for the first 3 weeks to get us acquainted with campus. I hate saying no to the events because I don't want to miss out on anything. This in turn has run me into the ground and then I ask myself why I'm crying for no reason at my age. My RA has been a tremendous help in helping me understand that I am going through a lot of changes. Among those many changes are of course the busy schedule, but most of my friends have graduated and my parents are in the middle of a big move.

     Coping with all the changes and excitement has been pretty tough, but I'm learning how to read my body a lot better. I've always been someone who over analyzes everything so I'm acutely aware of how my body works and how Asperger's affects me. I've learned a lot of coping strategies. When I work at the ice cream shop, I try to work on tasks such as stocking things instead of doing something that requires multitasking when I'm overwhelmed. In school this year, I haven't been reading my body well enough to realize that I'm exhausting it. I'm trying to teach myself that sometimes i need a break. After the second meltdown I had this year, I finally decided that I really do need to say no to things. Finally, last night there were 2 or 3 different events I wanted to go to. They were all back to back. I finally decided that I could go to all of the events, but I needed to go for short durations and take breaks if I were to make it to the end. I got to spend quality time with some friends I haven't seen for a while and then I got an hour break before the last event. I rocked it last night!


     As the year moves forward, I'm sure I will learn so much more about myself. One of the biggest things I have learned, is that a nice walk in the fresh air can help with anything. I can't wait to see how God allows me to grow over this new school year! :)

A shield: fixation

    I am a young woman who just so happens to have Asperger's Syndrome and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also, just so happen to be in the process of moving. These two things don't go well together at all and have caused me to be fixated on everything. Given that I have Asperger's, I typically do get fixated on stuff, but lately I've been fixated on EVERYTHING.

     I am not always fixated on things to the extend that I am right now, but the fixations I have had lately are almost like a shield against all the changes I am going through: new bed, new room with purple walls, heck even the new house in general. I also tend to feed off of the stress of everyone else in my family too. The fixations aren't bad, but they are there and driving everyone crazy. I rather be fixated than anxious. If I am fixated, I can go to a happy place

   Two weeks ago, I was fixated on 4th of July. this one is a given since we have a party at our house every year. This year will be our last because, like I said, we are moving. I worried up until the actual party wondering if we would actually have anyone showing up. We ended up having 45+ people over to our house and we had a blast. As soon as the party was over, I was fixated on the next thing, Arts Fest.
 
     The previous week I was excited that a family friend would be coming to town to visit for a day and to see Art's Fest. Sadly it rained the day she was supposed to come, but I will see her in August. Not only was I fixated on having the friend over, but I was fixated on getting to see the tents and getting to have Art's Fest food: Scott's Roasting, Cowboy Kettle Corn, and lemonade.
 
      Once Art's Fest got here, I was fixated on the idea that I was going to see KJ on Sunday. KJ is a singer/guitarist who I grew up listening to at camp and she was coming to my neck of the woods. I got to see her and I even got my picture taken with her.

      Last Tuesday, I was fixated on the fact that I was supposed to be going to a family friend's house for dinner. I found out on Monday, that my father had to go out of town so we may have to reschedule. I was not having any of it because I was looking forward to dinner with friends and I don't like my schedule to change.
 
     When we finally decided we were going to the friends' house, I was fixated on the fact that we needed to bring and play Mexican Train Dominoes. My mother had to remind me a couple times that there were other younger kids there and it may be a little to chaotic for Mexican Train Dominoes.

     I'm always fixated on Frozen stuff. In fact my mother has to reel me in when i see something revolving around the snowman Olaf. My mother even made me a homemade Olaf blanket for Christmas and I still get pulled in towards the Olaf blankets at Walmart.

     At work, I'm fixated on everything to. As soon as I come in the door to work, I have to check to make sure all the cups are stocked, coffee drawers are filled, spoons dispensers are filled, and lastly write down what dates I need to take off for Dr. appointments or in the case of this week, write down my last day of work for the summer. God forbid I go and scoop ice cream until that was written down.

      The fixations aren't bad, but they really are a shield to protect me against the anxiety. Sometimes when i fixate, I feel fortunate. Other times fixations can get me upset. For example, if I fixate on something in my schedule and then it DOESN'T HAPPEN, that can be very bad. Maybe I just have a love hate relationship with them, but a few have saved my sanity.

I feel Autistic

     Sometimes I feel normal and sometimes I feel autistic. Most days, when I am my cheery self, I feel normal. When I am overstimulated, I often feel more autistic. It's not easy to explain, but some of the feelings make me happy and some of the feelings make me frustrated.

     Today, I felt autistic. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to stare in space. I wanted to stim. This past week has been a really long week, and it has been hard for me to handle. It's been a good hard, a challenging hard, but hard none the less. At 3:05 during work, I finally melted down. I'd already promised myself this summer at work was going to be different and I wasn't going to shed a tear. Well that planned got messed up today. By 3:15 I was all better and back on the floor working.
      If you notice the beginning couple sentences of the previous paragraph, that's kind of what my thinking is like when I feel autistic. I don't want to talk and my answers are short and sweet. If I can, I try to get away with one word answers or yes and no answers to questions. God forbid, I answer more than that, I start breaking out in tears. Tears are frustrating, zoning is not. When i can zone out, I can think about my own stuff, not worry about the expectations of the world. This makes me feel happy. I begin to calm down.
     When I feel autistic, I also begin to fixate on things more. This week, my fixation is arts fest of course. I am determined to make it to arts fest. When I got in the car after work today, I started talking to my mom. I used as few words at a time as I could and I still broke down again. When expressing myself and reassuring myself about art's fest, I finally broke what I wanted say down to, "Sunday". My mother replied, "yes, we will go to arts fest on Sunday". I was happy. The short one word phrases are always a noun.
     Over the years, I have had experience working with kids who have autism. Often times they will say what they want at which point we coax them to say, "I want...". With my understanding of the way I think is that the child is just saying what they can to get there point across without exhausting themselves. It may not be that they don't know to do it, but that it's exhausting. The child is most likely overstimulated by the world around them and trying to process what they want. Once the child goes into meltdown, they have lost patience with trying to express their needs and wants. It's something so simple, but yet it's so hard to understand. 

Charley

     Charley died! Charley is no longer on earth with us and it's really hard to believe. Two years, I didn't really get emotional about stuff outside of my own little sphere. Just last week, I was talking to another individual who has Aspergers and we were discussing how we reacted to particular events. "I don't cry like most people do when someone dies", I said. As I've gotten older, it has gotten harder. Lack of emotions can be one advantage of having autism. 

     I was accepted into the occupational therapy program at school in December and I start in August. I've been checking my school email, on the school portal, everyday this summer. Along with your school email are various other things including announcements. "Student Death Announcement", read one of the announcements. "Seriously, again?", I thought. We have had a lot more deaths at my school in the past two years than is normal. It's sadly one of those things you get used to. I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but I just felt this feeling in my head or in my heart that when I checked the announcement, it was going to be someone I knew (not typically the case). In fact it was.

      It was one of the first friends I made my freshman year in school. We haven't been really been close for a while given that we are in different majors and have different classes and interests, but she was one of the first. Charley was quirky, quirky in such a way that was so awesome! Charley had a hilarious shirt I remember that had a big cat on it that frowned. The caption surrounding the cat was, "this is my happy face". I'll never forget the day Charley was sitting in the common room as my mother and I walked in, my mom having never met her, she stood up, turned around and introduced herself wearing a wonderful Thor helmet with a plastic toy axe! This is just a glimpse into the life of Charley. 

     As my freshman year progressed, we began calling her chuckles, because her best friend, an RA was nicknamed Smiley given her last name was Miley. Eventually her name became Narles, and I'm not really sure why, but it stuck. That's what we called her. I remember one evening, we decided to tackle the boys and convince them to do face masks with us too. Charley will truly be missed. I rally wish we had more time with you Charley. It's really hard to know you are gone. :( 

One Year Ago: A Reflection

     Approximately a year ago, I stared seeing a new therapist due to personal and family issues that needed to be resolved. At that point in my life, I had written a blog titled Shit Happens because there were multiple things that I was struggling with and for all I knew, I was falling down the rabbit hole. Today, I saw that same therapist and as I sat there telling her what I have been up to this summer, she was quite surprised.

     Last summer was filled with tears and almost 40 hours a work a week. I don't really have a better way to describe it than that. This summer has been filled with new friendships, speaking to high school kids with Aspergers, and new adventures. Last time I saw the therapist, I had informed her that I recently biked 8 miles with my family over the previous weekend. This time, I shared with her my recent kayak adventure with a new friend who really enjoys wildlife. That same friend and I went to a semi-local wildcat rescue to see the big cats. My therapist informed me that she would have never thought I was a biker or a kayaker, but she could she me in nature.

     The changes that my therapist is seeing in me are completely normal. The things I have been doing lately are things that I enjoy doing. I'm not surviving, but I living now. The first time I walked into my therapist office, she saw a girl with tears in her eyes that just screamed Help Me! Today as I walked into her office, she saw the real me, not the bad side.

     I am truly a young woman full of life who loves adventure. I love kayaking and taking nature walks. I love bike riding and climbing water falls. I love puzzles, reading and scrapbooking when I need to entertain myself. I love people and sometimes I wish I had more common interests; things that others enjoyed more.

Glitches

     Glitches! I haven't been having any meltdowns lately, but I have been having glitches quite frequently. Growing up, I would have meltdowns when things changed, when there were thunderstorms or when there were sirens. Close family and friends tell me I cried when I saw stuffed animals too, but I don't remember that. As I've grown older, the meltdowns have become less frequent and less intense. The last time I had a bad meltdown was probably back in October. I'm happy I don't have meltdowns very often, but the glitches can leave too.
     Once returning home from school for the summer, I picked up hours at my ice cream scooping job. After dealing with personal issues last summer and the chaos at the ice cream scooping job, my boss wanted to start me out at 4 hours a day which isn't bad, in fact it was perfect. This week I will increase to 5 hours a day. :) The 4 hours that I have been working, have been right in the middle of the day. I normally arrive home around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. This week, I will probably start arriving home around 5.
     Upon arrival, my mother usually comes upstairs from the business she runs in our basement. Sometimes my parents like to take a nap and sometimes they like to go out to a movie or do something fun together. As of late, I've come home and had a glitch. The glitches aren't meltdowns, but little blips on the radar as opposed to smooth sailing. Think of the glitches as little waves in the ocean and the meltdowns as the big wave or a tsunami. Most of the time, I irrationally get annoyed with my mother for something, she goes on her way and does what she wants to, I rest and everything is right with the world again. There is no arguing or back talk, she knows not to do that.
     Don't get me wrong when I say that my mothers knows not to argue with me. For people with autism, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are getting away with what we want; for people with autism, it means that there is not rationalizing with us when we are set in our ways. Often times I like to think about the irrational moments in our lives as a run-away train that no one can stop. Give us time and we will come around and learn from the situation.
      These meltdowns are much different from the typical tantrum a child has. For the typical child, it means trying to get something they want and trying to have control. For the child on the spectrum, a meltdown means that something has overwhelmed them or upsetter them an they need to reboot. The most important thing to do when we have a glitch or a meltdown is to give us space and we will come to us when we are ready. People in my past have insisted on rationalizing with me, which has in turn scared them in the end. I have never acted in an aggressive manner, but I have gotten loud, used bad language and by doing so have scared the untrained individual.
     I don't like that I am a young adult and these happen, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Sometimes it happens.