A shield: fixation

    I am a young woman who just so happens to have Asperger's Syndrome and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also, just so happen to be in the process of moving. These two things don't go well together at all and have caused me to be fixated on everything. Given that I have Asperger's, I typically do get fixated on stuff, but lately I've been fixated on EVERYTHING.

     I am not always fixated on things to the extend that I am right now, but the fixations I have had lately are almost like a shield against all the changes I am going through: new bed, new room with purple walls, heck even the new house in general. I also tend to feed off of the stress of everyone else in my family too. The fixations aren't bad, but they are there and driving everyone crazy. I rather be fixated than anxious. If I am fixated, I can go to a happy place

   Two weeks ago, I was fixated on 4th of July. this one is a given since we have a party at our house every year. This year will be our last because, like I said, we are moving. I worried up until the actual party wondering if we would actually have anyone showing up. We ended up having 45+ people over to our house and we had a blast. As soon as the party was over, I was fixated on the next thing, Arts Fest.
 
     The previous week I was excited that a family friend would be coming to town to visit for a day and to see Art's Fest. Sadly it rained the day she was supposed to come, but I will see her in August. Not only was I fixated on having the friend over, but I was fixated on getting to see the tents and getting to have Art's Fest food: Scott's Roasting, Cowboy Kettle Corn, and lemonade.
 
      Once Art's Fest got here, I was fixated on the idea that I was going to see KJ on Sunday. KJ is a singer/guitarist who I grew up listening to at camp and she was coming to my neck of the woods. I got to see her and I even got my picture taken with her.

      Last Tuesday, I was fixated on the fact that I was supposed to be going to a family friend's house for dinner. I found out on Monday, that my father had to go out of town so we may have to reschedule. I was not having any of it because I was looking forward to dinner with friends and I don't like my schedule to change.
 
     When we finally decided we were going to the friends' house, I was fixated on the fact that we needed to bring and play Mexican Train Dominoes. My mother had to remind me a couple times that there were other younger kids there and it may be a little to chaotic for Mexican Train Dominoes.

     I'm always fixated on Frozen stuff. In fact my mother has to reel me in when i see something revolving around the snowman Olaf. My mother even made me a homemade Olaf blanket for Christmas and I still get pulled in towards the Olaf blankets at Walmart.

     At work, I'm fixated on everything to. As soon as I come in the door to work, I have to check to make sure all the cups are stocked, coffee drawers are filled, spoons dispensers are filled, and lastly write down what dates I need to take off for Dr. appointments or in the case of this week, write down my last day of work for the summer. God forbid I go and scoop ice cream until that was written down.

      The fixations aren't bad, but they really are a shield to protect me against the anxiety. Sometimes when i fixate, I feel fortunate. Other times fixations can get me upset. For example, if I fixate on something in my schedule and then it DOESN'T HAPPEN, that can be very bad. Maybe I just have a love hate relationship with them, but a few have saved my sanity.

I feel Autistic

     Sometimes I feel normal and sometimes I feel autistic. Most days, when I am my cheery self, I feel normal. When I am overstimulated, I often feel more autistic. It's not easy to explain, but some of the feelings make me happy and some of the feelings make me frustrated.

     Today, I felt autistic. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to stare in space. I wanted to stim. This past week has been a really long week, and it has been hard for me to handle. It's been a good hard, a challenging hard, but hard none the less. At 3:05 during work, I finally melted down. I'd already promised myself this summer at work was going to be different and I wasn't going to shed a tear. Well that planned got messed up today. By 3:15 I was all better and back on the floor working.
      If you notice the beginning couple sentences of the previous paragraph, that's kind of what my thinking is like when I feel autistic. I don't want to talk and my answers are short and sweet. If I can, I try to get away with one word answers or yes and no answers to questions. God forbid, I answer more than that, I start breaking out in tears. Tears are frustrating, zoning is not. When i can zone out, I can think about my own stuff, not worry about the expectations of the world. This makes me feel happy. I begin to calm down.
     When I feel autistic, I also begin to fixate on things more. This week, my fixation is arts fest of course. I am determined to make it to arts fest. When I got in the car after work today, I started talking to my mom. I used as few words at a time as I could and I still broke down again. When expressing myself and reassuring myself about art's fest, I finally broke what I wanted say down to, "Sunday". My mother replied, "yes, we will go to arts fest on Sunday". I was happy. The short one word phrases are always a noun.
     Over the years, I have had experience working with kids who have autism. Often times they will say what they want at which point we coax them to say, "I want...". With my understanding of the way I think is that the child is just saying what they can to get there point across without exhausting themselves. It may not be that they don't know to do it, but that it's exhausting. The child is most likely overstimulated by the world around them and trying to process what they want. Once the child goes into meltdown, they have lost patience with trying to express their needs and wants. It's something so simple, but yet it's so hard to understand. 

Charley

     Charley died! Charley is no longer on earth with us and it's really hard to believe. Two years, I didn't really get emotional about stuff outside of my own little sphere. Just last week, I was talking to another individual who has Aspergers and we were discussing how we reacted to particular events. "I don't cry like most people do when someone dies", I said. As I've gotten older, it has gotten harder. Lack of emotions can be one advantage of having autism. 

     I was accepted into the occupational therapy program at school in December and I start in August. I've been checking my school email, on the school portal, everyday this summer. Along with your school email are various other things including announcements. "Student Death Announcement", read one of the announcements. "Seriously, again?", I thought. We have had a lot more deaths at my school in the past two years than is normal. It's sadly one of those things you get used to. I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but I just felt this feeling in my head or in my heart that when I checked the announcement, it was going to be someone I knew (not typically the case). In fact it was.

      It was one of the first friends I made my freshman year in school. We haven't been really been close for a while given that we are in different majors and have different classes and interests, but she was one of the first. Charley was quirky, quirky in such a way that was so awesome! Charley had a hilarious shirt I remember that had a big cat on it that frowned. The caption surrounding the cat was, "this is my happy face". I'll never forget the day Charley was sitting in the common room as my mother and I walked in, my mom having never met her, she stood up, turned around and introduced herself wearing a wonderful Thor helmet with a plastic toy axe! This is just a glimpse into the life of Charley. 

     As my freshman year progressed, we began calling her chuckles, because her best friend, an RA was nicknamed Smiley given her last name was Miley. Eventually her name became Narles, and I'm not really sure why, but it stuck. That's what we called her. I remember one evening, we decided to tackle the boys and convince them to do face masks with us too. Charley will truly be missed. I rally wish we had more time with you Charley. It's really hard to know you are gone. :( 

One Year Ago: A Reflection

     Approximately a year ago, I stared seeing a new therapist due to personal and family issues that needed to be resolved. At that point in my life, I had written a blog titled Shit Happens because there were multiple things that I was struggling with and for all I knew, I was falling down the rabbit hole. Today, I saw that same therapist and as I sat there telling her what I have been up to this summer, she was quite surprised.

     Last summer was filled with tears and almost 40 hours a work a week. I don't really have a better way to describe it than that. This summer has been filled with new friendships, speaking to high school kids with Aspergers, and new adventures. Last time I saw the therapist, I had informed her that I recently biked 8 miles with my family over the previous weekend. This time, I shared with her my recent kayak adventure with a new friend who really enjoys wildlife. That same friend and I went to a semi-local wildcat rescue to see the big cats. My therapist informed me that she would have never thought I was a biker or a kayaker, but she could she me in nature.

     The changes that my therapist is seeing in me are completely normal. The things I have been doing lately are things that I enjoy doing. I'm not surviving, but I living now. The first time I walked into my therapist office, she saw a girl with tears in her eyes that just screamed Help Me! Today as I walked into her office, she saw the real me, not the bad side.

     I am truly a young woman full of life who loves adventure. I love kayaking and taking nature walks. I love bike riding and climbing water falls. I love puzzles, reading and scrapbooking when I need to entertain myself. I love people and sometimes I wish I had more common interests; things that others enjoyed more.

Glitches

     Glitches! I haven't been having any meltdowns lately, but I have been having glitches quite frequently. Growing up, I would have meltdowns when things changed, when there were thunderstorms or when there were sirens. Close family and friends tell me I cried when I saw stuffed animals too, but I don't remember that. As I've grown older, the meltdowns have become less frequent and less intense. The last time I had a bad meltdown was probably back in October. I'm happy I don't have meltdowns very often, but the glitches can leave too.
     Once returning home from school for the summer, I picked up hours at my ice cream scooping job. After dealing with personal issues last summer and the chaos at the ice cream scooping job, my boss wanted to start me out at 4 hours a day which isn't bad, in fact it was perfect. This week I will increase to 5 hours a day. :) The 4 hours that I have been working, have been right in the middle of the day. I normally arrive home around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. This week, I will probably start arriving home around 5.
     Upon arrival, my mother usually comes upstairs from the business she runs in our basement. Sometimes my parents like to take a nap and sometimes they like to go out to a movie or do something fun together. As of late, I've come home and had a glitch. The glitches aren't meltdowns, but little blips on the radar as opposed to smooth sailing. Think of the glitches as little waves in the ocean and the meltdowns as the big wave or a tsunami. Most of the time, I irrationally get annoyed with my mother for something, she goes on her way and does what she wants to, I rest and everything is right with the world again. There is no arguing or back talk, she knows not to do that.
     Don't get me wrong when I say that my mothers knows not to argue with me. For people with autism, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are getting away with what we want; for people with autism, it means that there is not rationalizing with us when we are set in our ways. Often times I like to think about the irrational moments in our lives as a run-away train that no one can stop. Give us time and we will come around and learn from the situation.
      These meltdowns are much different from the typical tantrum a child has. For the typical child, it means trying to get something they want and trying to have control. For the child on the spectrum, a meltdown means that something has overwhelmed them or upsetter them an they need to reboot. The most important thing to do when we have a glitch or a meltdown is to give us space and we will come to us when we are ready. People in my past have insisted on rationalizing with me, which has in turn scared them in the end. I have never acted in an aggressive manner, but I have gotten loud, used bad language and by doing so have scared the untrained individual.
     I don't like that I am a young adult and these happen, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Sometimes it happens.

Self Conscious

     I have always been someone who has to be exact about everything including the exact developmental age I'm had. For quite sometime, I was under the impression that I was about two years behind due to my Aspergers. I had also been under the impression for a number of years that once I turned 21, that my brain would automatically stop growing and changing, but the more I learn, the more I realize that I am still maturing and my brain is still growing; my brain is just growing at a slower rate than the typical brain. Given this information, I have a feeling I'm heading into another "rough patch" developmentally speaking. Do you remember your years of puberty and the hell you went through? Imagine breaking that up more over time and still going through some of it in your 20's. Currently, I'm going through the phase where everyone is judging everything about me.
     The typical girl fears her hair being messy, her weight being too much, or her face being covered in too much acne. I am currently worried about my weight (I probably need to lose about 60 pounds) and my social skills. I'm at that point where I think that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds stupid or awkward. If anyone has known me for any amount of time, they will realize that I apologize way too much. Well, with this phase I'm going through, it's even more now.
      Some of the multiple "social skill" things I worry about are interrupting, making an order at a restaurant too complicated and hugging people too much. In any case, I've pretty much lost hope on gaining the ability to not interrupt so much. It's easy enough to order food at a restaurant, but then when you want something with out a particular ingredient, or you want something extra, I feel like a complete idiot.
     When I look back at letters from my preschool and kindergarten teachers, they would even write home that I hugged people too much and told everyone about how much Jesus loved them. Ha, I still crack up at that. I am proud of my beliefs, but now that I am older, I'm much more open to everyone else's beliefs. When i hug people it seems to be this huge security for me. Everyone who has autism, has sensory issues, but they very quite a bit. I can't stand loud noises: sirens, yelling, and some music. On the other hand, I sleep with a 16 pound weighted blanket and need a hug when I am upset. In turn, this ends up meaning that I hug my mother, RA, or whoever is helping me through a problem at that particular time. Sometimes when I get excited to see someone, I give them a hug, but I have to learn that not everyone likes hugs.
     As you can see I am becoming so self-conscious about the little things. I'm constantly over analyzing all of my behaviors. I seriously thought I kind of skipped over this phase. :(

Awesome Woman Exemplar

     Yesterday, I was among 33 women chosen from my campus to be awarded the Awesome Women Exemplar Award. I am proud to have won something with such high honors even though I know there are other women who may have deserved this even more than me. I can't say thank you enough to the individual who nominated me and the individuals who made the beautiful reception such a success.

"I have had the pleasure of working with Simply J very closely during her time here at PCT. Jordan was quick to identify her own strengths and weakness while in this new educational environment which was a tremendous adjustment for her. Jordan was eager to learn various ways to effectively communicate with faculty, students, and staff on campus as she saw the importance of collaborating with others to further her understanding of her major, the coursework, and developing interpersonal skills needed currently and for life after college. She has proved to me to be a remarkable woman in how she overcame barriers that she has experienced during her first year. She has demonstrated to me from the beginning that she was dedicated to her study and is very excited about it." D

"Over the summer, Simply J assisted staff in our office with a summer program for High School students grade 9-11. She was able to share her experience and provide feedback to educate this student population to assist them with transitioning from High School to Post-secondary .This year she assisted our office by taking on the role of a social mentor that is targeted to assisting current students with engaging into the college community. The social mentor also assist students with areas of executive functioning. Simply J has been a delight tot work with while in this role. She takes her work very seriously and has a lot of passion for assisting other students. I definitely admire this passion and know that she has a bright future ahead of her in her field while working with people. Jordan has gone above and beyond hr roel as a mentor and has become one of our most dependable mentors int he program. She is an asset to our program and I have confidence that others will benefit from her". D