5 hours of friendship

     As I sat in my fathers recliner relaxing for the night, I began to right a Facebook post using the "Feeling" option that Facebook lets you choose. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's one for feeling, watching, reading and the list goes on. As I bunched in "Feeling" into my status updated, I began to type in the search menu "Defeated" because quite honestly I was feeling quite defeated at the moment. I was about to write one of those whiny Facebook status' where I complain about all of my life problems from the day and then end it with some sappy comment remember those who were killed in Orlando, just to make it sound like I cared about something. In all honesty, I do care about others and I think that status I was going to right was to remind myself that things could be so much worse. 

      Shortly after typing in the status, I read it over and realized that there was no way I was going to post that to Facebook at such a sensitive time. There was no way I could complain to such a wide audience when there was and still is so much pain in this world. It just didn't feel right and trust me I do feel bad for those that were lost, those that are suffering, and all the loved ones who may be affected from this tragedy. 

     I looked back on my day and I realized how truly great my day really was. Yes, there were parts that sucked from sun up to sun down: a migraine to start the morning, a potentially great interview that went horribly wrong, battling a cold and allergies on top of everything else and not mention that my world is probably going to be flipped upside down tomorrow, but that's another story for another day. 

     On the other hand, some really great things happened today and I think we need to focus on those. My mother always taught me that someone always has it worse than us. I truly do believe that. The other day we ran into a friend at the grocery store that was telling us that sometimes we really need to just feel things and that maybe things aren't worse for others. I have to say I disagree. I think it is important to feel your emotions and then look at the grand scheme of things. 

     Today was a great day. As I stood outside the facility where I interviewed I made a few phone calls. One was to an acquaintance/friend who I knew from a  previous place of employment, one was my mother to tell her how awful the interview went and the other was to let someone know that I had the interview and that I didn't think things would work out or that the outcome was not what the two of us had expected. My mom pulled up with Excedrin in hand as I talked to my friend on the phone about getting together. We decided that instead of having my friend pick me up from the interview my mother would drive me to a near by park. this was at about 10 or 10:30 this morning. We didn't leave each other until 3:30 or 4. 

     5 hours! 5 hours of socializing something without becoming emotionally and socially fatigued. 5 hours of conversations, giggling, and bursting out in song. I literally thought we were going to chill for a bit, go out to eat and then part our ways so I could go into work to get some stuff done. I called my boss/teacher to tell her I was grabbing a bite to eat and I'd be in and she conveniently had to leave at 1 instead of 2:30. I was supposed to work for two hours and it was already noon. We decided we would sit down somewhere nice to eat instead of grabbing fast-food. This turned into hours more of fun. 

     During our time together we sat by the creek at the park, grabbed McDonald's sweet teas, visited my cats at home, ate lunch, played mini golf, visited a local ice cream place where we used to work, and we went goodwill shopping. I would have to say that I think this is friend that I hung out with today was a true friend. My mother has always talked to me about acquaintances, friends and best friends. I'm pretty sure Amber will go down in the book as my first true friend. This was the first time I wasn't with someone else who had a disability for a long period of time. This was the first time I hung out with someone without telling them to go away or that it was time to leave because I was tired. After five horus of my my friend called the shots. I felt typical. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a typical interaction with a friend, a typical friendship. 

Reflection on World Autism Awareness Day!

As I settle down for the evening I reflect on the events that today has brought. Today was World Autism Awareness Day. I have very conflicting thoughts on this day. Today, I was on the streets handing out bracelets to light it up blue for autism, which in turn helps support Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks created the campaign that allowed World Autism Awareness Day to exist. Do I believe in everything that happens with Autism Speaks? No. Do I support Autism Speaks? Well, I'd like to say that I don't, but when there is not other organization that promotes the awareness and acceptance of Autism that will reach a large public audience, I have no other choice but to "partner with them.

Being an Autistic individual, it truly hurts have an organization that believes that we can't speak for ourselves. Granted, there are some people that can't speak for themselves, but an individual with Asperger's is going to be able to explain Autism a heck of a lot better than someone who is neurotypical. If one does not live the life, how can one know what we want and need?


Today I lit it up blue, not for Autism Speaks, but for The ACRES Project, which is something near and dear to my heart. We have a voice and ACRES is listening.

Transition Bootcamp

     Have you ever worked out because you wanted to lose weight? I know I have before and shortly after I begin, I become less motivated to work out. When you become motivated again, you begin to realize that maybe you need something a little bit harsher because you need to lose even more weight. Sometimes, transition is like that too.
     Last year, I had some difficult experience with my living situation in the dorm.  I had a personality clash with my RA and my Resident Coordinator moved midway through the year. I don't do well with these transitions. As these things popped up, I began to develop a healthy and professional relationship with E, one of the other RA's on staff. I had known E since the beginning of my college experience at this particular school and I began to trust her with deep stuff. I often times tell people that she knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Unfortunate, for me, E is graduating this year and moving on to bigger and better things.
     Over the course of the past year, I have begun to depend on E for a lot of things. I have trusted her with more information about my personal life than I share with most people. She has been my main support at college. She helped me with the difficult RA situation, helped me through some tough times, helped me transition to a new coordinator and so much more. Most importantly, she has mentored me and taught me so much about myself. With E leaving, I need to start bootcamp. I need to lose those extra pounds of weight I've pack on. I need to lose the dependency that I have developed with her.
     Over the last 8 weeks of the fall semester, I realized my dependency and my manipulative behavior. I knew that if I was upset, she would be there for me. Sometimes I would get upset, when I knew how to cope with things, because I knew she would pat me on the back so to speak. Once I noticed this, I started going to the gym. I started practicing shutting my door more often so I wasn't fixated on where she was and if she was around. I began trying to skip days of seeing her because I knew that one day she wouldn't be around. Going to the gym, or practicing these new skills wore me out. I just wanted E and I wanted her in the moment. I wanted her to play Wii with me, watch movies, with me and eat with me. This battle reigns within me and I know that she is a student who needs to take care of herself  too. I care about her needs, but since I do care about her, I also want more of her.
       With all this being said, it's time to stop going to the gym and start bootcamp. I have eight weeks to lose this "weight". I have eight weeks to show the world what I am truly made of. I have eight weeks to transition E out of my DAILY life and it needs to begin right now. The most unfortunate part is knowing that I'm not the only person struggling. I think the college or at least ResLife as a whole are truly going to miss this unique, one of a kind individual who has the patients of an angel.
      This semester, instead of going to her when I'm upset, I will refuse to meet with her until the next day for breakfast or lunch. E has taught me that I am so much better at reflecting anyway. I will try hanging out with the other RA's more, boosting my trust in them as competent individuals, and I will continue to practice my coping skills. I can't wait to push myself and show the world what I'm truly made of.

Happy New Year: 2016

     2014 was an extremely difficult year me and my family. At the end of 2014 and at the beginning of 2015, I decided to take a look back at all the good things that had happened. This year, as we rang in 2016, I told my mother that I didn't want it to be 2016. I didn't want 2015 to end because it was such a great year and so much better than the year before. If we stayed in 2015, I felt like things would continue to go smoothly, but its as if changing to 2016 means a new year and also a different year that could be good or bad. So, here's to a recap of 2015 and a celebration of a great start to 2016!

     Shortly after I arrived back at school for the Spring 2015 semester, I received an email stating that I was nominated by someone at my school for an Awesome Woman Exemplar Award. We had a beautiful ceremony and we all got to celebrate the many awesome women on our campus.

     Although my brother and I have gotten older, we still really enjoy meeting up with family friends to decorate Easter eggs. This year we had several generations coloring eggs: Grandparents, parents, children, and grandchildren.

     No one knows who to celebrate April Fools Day and Hump Day like my school! This year, one of the major clubs on campus decided to celebrate the occasion of both by bringing in a camel for camel rides. Needless to say no one believed us and thought our photos were photoshopped. They thought it was all a joke, but it was real.

     My parents decided to go away to a bed and breakfast for their anniversary. During their weekend getaway, they decided to rent some bikes and bike a rails to trails path. Needless to say, they really enjoyed it and when I came home from school, we decided to do it a couple more times. We all really enjoy biking now.

     During the month of July, my town turns into a large tourist destination with large arts festivals. One of the arts festivals sticks to more local artists who are only from in state. This gave me a great opportunity to see a singer who was one of my favorite parts of Camp Chameleon growing up. She would bring her guitar to camp and sing songs around the camp fire. Seeing her perform at the arts fest, gave us a test of what she likes to do for adults. It was still really good to see her and she remembers me from camp.

     I've never been one for really long hair. Right before school started in August, I decided to get all my hair chopped off. I really like it and I think I'm going to keep it this length for a while.

   
     Two days before I had to move into the Residence Hall, we took trip to NYC to see a play on Broadway. It was pretty cool to see the NYC skyline as we entered the city. We even got a personal tour guy (my mothers friend) who helped us navigate the city. He even gave us a VIP trip to the top of the Empire State Building. I must admit, I was also pretty excited to get a new pair of Crocs at a legit Crocs store too.

     What better way to start the semester off than by going to your favorite ice cream place with some of your best buds and the most AWESOME RA someone could ask for! This trip was planned the previous school year and promised to me. We ended up getting most of our floor to go and some RA's after so many of us ended up moving in so early! :) Thanks E we're are really going to miss you!!!

     This year I got a job with Student Activities which has been wonderful! Before my first shift at work, one of my supervisors caught me on my way to class and allowed me to show my silly side. He thought it would be a great idea to show my mom that I was really on my way to class. It was my FIRST DAY of OT CLASSES!!! :)

     September came up pretty quickly and my family FINALLY moved into the new house! We love it and it is so cozy. Although I wasn't at the house for the moving part, I was there in spirit. Despite my difficulty with change, it was a rather smooth process with daily visits to the new house before I actually moved in. I don't think I could ask for a better room; it's purple!

     After our move, I finally managed to get my parents up to Camp Victory! They were having an open house and I said, why not? It was a good day to get away and enjoy some time as a family and one of my homes away from home where I can truly be me. I also introduced someone to Asperger's who had never heard of it before.

     October and midterms came around. My parents were finally able to get away on a vacation by themselves and with my grandmother. In the meantime, a good family friend had the opportunity to bring her grandson up to visit my school during our open house! It was a pretty cool experience and they got to meet some of my friends.

     October is typically a busy month and includes a bunch of fun as well. My LLC went on an awesome hiking trip. We were fortunate enough to enjoy a picnic at one of our mentor's house's who lives out in the middle of no where. Across the street from her house is a huge shale cliff that we climbed. We love going on adventures.

     November brought with it an awesome opportunity for my mother and I. We had the privilege of getting amazing seats at a Matthew West concert! Matthew West came up to me, wrapped his arm around my waste, put the microphone in front of my mouth and posed for a picture. I couldn't have been more giddy and I really didn't know what to do.

     The school year concluded with an awesome school dance with my buddy Caleb and my friend/RA Eileen! I was super nervous to go to the dance without friends, but C is really good at swing dancing and taught me a little bit about it.

     Some crazy weather we've had this year. We were fortunate enough to wear t-shirts to go pick out our Christmas tree. With my brothers fascination with tie-dye, we made it a tie-dye t-shirt trip! We had a lot of fun!

     Just like last year, I rang in the New Year at Radiate, the Mid-Atlantic Regional Cru Conference! There was so much learning and growing and socializing with friends. We truly had a blast!!!

Random

     As my mother drives the car, heading away from Kohl's today, all I could do was let was grab a hold of my hair and let out a big, "Ugh". This was silently followed by a "Why am I fixating on EVERYTHING?". "Why am I overanalyzing the fact that I am fixating on things, thus fixating on fixating. It's a never ending circle that won't let me go. 

     This particular scenario started with my mother making the comment, "I don't need to be looking at gloves after the gloves we got me at Kmart!". "MOM!", I shouted as we walked through Target. The stares centered in on us and we got a couple curious looks. I can only imagine what others were thinking. I've been hiding a pair of gloves in the trunk of my mothers car for her for Christmas?" She had no idea what I was talking about. Of course, I had to begin to explain that I had gotten the gloves for her and that she hadn't gotten them. I thought she had seen the pair I bought, but as far as she knows, she bought them with me. I have no idea what she was talking about, but I ruined a Christmas surprise! She was upset that I did so and I kept saying that she had mentioned it to me. "Quit trying to blame someone", she said. "It's either I blame you or keep thinking that I'm an idiot who made a stupid decision". Well, she chuckled at that, good. That's when the hands went up and the UGH came out. "I feel so stupid", "Why did I say something", "What am I going to get her for Christmas". "I ruined Christmas". The thoughts just swarmed in my head until I couldn't take it anymore. This was one of many scenarios that I have fixated on over the past couple of weeks/months. I need to STOP! 

     Sometimes its really hard to fixate on things. I love that I can fixate on things and have an obsessive joy about things, but that obsessive joy is sometimes not reached. Its like, you get a bite of chocolate that is so heavenly that you take a second bite to satisfy your want. Unfortunately that bite doesn't do it. so you take another bit, and another, and another after that. Sometimes fixations and obsessive joys are like chocolate you can't get enough of. You repeat what you are excited about, you can't get over that excitement, so you keep acting on the excitement and repeat  your self over and over again, but you just can't be satisfied and it's FRUSTRATING!!!! Then there are the negative thoughts that you obsess over. Those are difficult too because instead of acting on them, you try to cope with them and when you can't cope with them, they build up, you continue to fixate on them, and you have a meltdown. I just want to stop these fixations NOW! 

A couple fixations that I have had over the past couple of weeks just for the full affect

What are we doing for Christmas? I wonder if E can come over for Christmas and decorate cookies with us. Mom can E come down over Christmas and spend time with us. Can you make sure she comes down to decorate cookies with us. I know Emma will be here, but how cool would it be if the three of us did stuff together? Can you message E? Have you messaged E? Has she replied yet? What did she say? Did you ask her specifically about the 23rd to decorate cookies? Okay, I wish E could come over to do cookies. 

Am I working on Wednesday? I can't work until close because we are having company come over? Do you know if you need me Wednesday or not? Do you know if I get ice cream or not? Mom always likes getting the special ice cream. Mom tells me I'm not supposed to tell you that. So am I working on Wednesday? V: "no you are not. Me: Okay that means no ice cream for mom then, family is more important than ice cream. 

I know she is a new SS. I know she isn't meaning to be bossy. She taking advantage of being an SS. I need to chill, this isn't a big deal. Take a deep breath J. But she is watching me like a hawk. I should got talk to my supervisor. I'm not upset, this is little I have this. She can't keep telling me to scoop ice cream, I need to talk to my supervisor. Talk to supervisor. I'm on cash register now instead of scooping. 

I miss M. It's been one year since I saw M. Let me write matt a message. Oh let's change our profile picture to M. I wonder if M will notice. I wonder if M is coming to Pa for the holidays. He does have family here. Wait, will M be able to visit me? Let's message M and see what he is doing for the holidays. M should come to my graduation. I definitely going to invite M to my graduation. M is like a father to me. It's not the same without M. Why did M have to leave me. M is always fishing. M needs to come back and see me. M should probably go see his wife in Scotland. I bet that is what M is doing. M didn't ever message me back. Okay he's in Scotland. I miss M, this is really hard. It's been one year since I have seen M. 

R asked me if I was allergic to smelly/scent stuff. I told her no. She wants to get me a present since she is doing secret santa with her staff. I'm not her staff. She doesn't need to get me anything. Why am I so special? What do I need to get someone else? How am I so special. I don't Deserve this. I'm really excited that R is getting me something. I've worked my way into R's heart. I'm R's little ray of sunshine. Are you sure you need to get me something. R, you really don't have to do that. Aww, you are so sweet R. How did R pick me, ME? 

Thank you God, I'm going to the Dr's tomorrow. I need relief. I need answers. I want to fix things. Maybe they will have suggestions. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe K will be able to help me with these fixations. I don't think I need a medication adjustment. These fixations are getting really out of hand. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. I wonder if this has to do with the holidays. Why am I fixating so much? 

I want to take a nap. If I take a nap I feel guilty. It's okay to take a nap right? I've been so lazy, I should contribute more. Mom, should I be doing more, I feel so lazy. Is it weird that I am so tired. If I sleep too much during the day, I'm waiting my life. If I sleep too much during the day, I won't sleep at night. I need to take a nap. Wake me up in an hour. I can't believe I took a nap. Why am I always so tired....

Then I wonder why I am so irritable. Do I need a medication adjustment. Do I just need to get in a regular schedule. Would going to the gym help. When you can't stop these fixations, they really impact you. It's difficult sometimes, but then there are other times I like to obsess over things like Frozen, or completing puzzles. 

There Is A Reason

     Often times individuals who have an Autism Spectrum Disorder will be asked why they do particular things. Sometimes people think its weird and want to know why and sometimes people want to have better insight as to how the individual thinks. Given that I see things from both sides, I tend to over analyze things quite a bit. I mentally document each time I had a meltdown, what caused the meltdown and how far apart the meltdowns have been because I want to learn to prevent them and I want to have them increasingly farther apart. I primarily try to answer why meltdowns happen so that they don't happen in the future. After a few months of doing this I have come up with some conclusions. Most meltdowns have an underlying reason that may be deeper than we sometimes realize.
     First and foremost, each meltdown I have is typically triggered by one thing that is stressing me out. Once I have processed through that one thing, I begin to realize that there are other things underneath the surface that have bubbled to the top. This is when I have learned that it is time to stop talking about the things bothering me and begin to distract myself. If I continue to talk about things, I get into a repetitive circle that then causes more anxiety for me and thus more frustration and more crying. If I distract myself, I am then able to calm down, sleep on things and if need be talk to someone the next day about my frustrations. The meltdowns aren't always caused just by frustration, but sometimes that frustration comes from a subconscious level in which something in my routine has changed and I don't realize it. There have been two recurring examples that I have finally picked up on.
      Transitioning back to my dorm at the end of the day can sometimes be a real struggle. Often times when I come back to my dorm at the end of the day and my RA or my Resident Coordinator aren't there to check-in with, I begin to get irritable. I try to distract myself and unwind, but sometimes it is difficult. I always chalked this irritability up to the fact that coming back after a day of classes and settling into the evening was a big change, but it is so much deeper than that.
      I never viewed my mother as a stay at home mother because she has always worked. My mother has had her own business for almost 20 years and she is very proud of it as well she should be. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you view it, she has worked out of our home for most of my life. This has always been extremely convenient when my brother or I have been sick and it was also convenient when my brother and I would get off the bus at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Each day, when we got off the bus, my mother was there to greet us. A typical afternoon would entail getting off the bus, throwing our backpacks in the foyer, going to the bathroom and heading for the basement to check in with our mother. This happened for 10+ years and has since become an engraved habit that I subconsciously still follow today. Unfortunately it's hard to do at the dorm.
     I have recently realized that my need to check in with my RA or my Resident Coordinator at the end of the day has been my brains natural way of adjusting to a norm that is no longer a part of my life. I would greet my mother at the end of the day for many years. Now that I'm in college, I don't have a mom to go home to, tell about my day, and give a big to. Today I enthusiastically come back to my dorm and hope that I have someone to look up to and talk about my day to. This has naturally fallen on my Residence Life staff. When I am unable to do this, this leads to irritability because it is changing something that I have known since I was in 1st grade.
     Friendships and planning events have also been extremely difficult for me this year. For quite some time, my RA and I would think that I was upset because people weren't able to schedule things. We figured it was because I like having a set schedule and a routine. I would always tell ask people if we could do something at a particular time and the answer was typically, "I don't know what I'm doing yet". This would often times upset me because I thought people made plans. Unfortunately unwritten rules of society change.
     Growing up, I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends. I always wondered why people couldn't hang out. My therapists and my parents would always tell me it was because I had plan things a couple of days in advance. I always had difficulty with this. When I was able to plan "playdates" in advance, my mother would typically ask me exactly what I was going to do when I had friends over. I learned to plan things because I had trouble picking up on how to entertain my friends. I liked having my friends over, but often times my brother would have to entertain them. Today when I want to hang out with someone I feel like I need to plan something and plan exactly what I want to do.
     Now that I am in college, things have changed. I meet with my RA/friend every other week to spend some quality time with her. I alway ask her what she thinks we should do a couple days in advance because I have been taught to plan. This past week she informed me that she wasn't going to put the time and energy in to planning something. I was taken aback by this, but realized after a discussion with her that it wasn't that she didn't care, but that it really doesn't have to be an event like I was taught. Simply having her door open and me having access to her and knowing she was there to "chill" was what she was thinking. For example, this would be a good time to do our own things, maybe chill in the same room, listen to music and talk on and off as we pleased. As a child, you have play dates, as an adult you relax or partake in leisure activities. Once again, this is an unwritten rule that changes.
     Often times I will get into deep conversations with people who I trust because friends share how they really feel and share there deepest darkest secrets. Interestingly enough I am realizing that isn't exactly how best friends work. Typically as soon as I trust someone, I dump all my personal life stories on them. I'll constantly ask how they are, if they are okay or what is wrong. I thought that is what defined a friend, someone who you could share your true feelings with. What I am learning is that this is not the case. Friends are people who you share a sense of humor with, you converse with in short simple give and take chatting. Yes, friends do share stuff, but it isn't as much of a word vomit as I like to think it is. Give and take, take a long time to develop the friendship. It's not something that you share your life story and your friends. There is more to life than struggles, it's about the goofy stuff we do, the quality time, and the memories that are made!

I Bet They Have Aspergers

"I bet they have Aspergers", I say when someone isn't very nice about something! "I bet they have Aspergers", I say when someone does something weird. "I bet they have Aspergers", I say when someone does something stupid. I don't like saying, "I bet they have Aspergers", but I do and it comes so naturally to me.

Every April is Autism Awareness month in which the big evil organization Autism Speaks spread awareness of individuals who have Autism. I can't stand the organization because they have a belief that individuals who have autism can't speak for themselves. In April you will often times see things lit up blue to promote Autism awareness. What other things happen during autism awareness month? There may be a few walks that raise money for this horrible organization that uses hardly any of that money to provide services for individuals who are battling the condition now. As one person said, "finding a gene isn't going to help me find a job".

You have the Autism Awareness month events sponsored by Autism Speaks, including walks, documentaries and PSA's demonizing autism. On the other side of this, when it's not Autism Awareness month, you have the large media outlets sharing horror stories of mass murders. It seems like the majority of the time, the individual who ends up doing the killing have Aspergers: Adam Lanza, Elliott Rodgers. Do they ring a bell? If your not hearing about this your hearing horror stories of individuals with autism who have gone missing or parents who have attempted to murder their autistic child: Issy Stapleton and her mother. If you have ever seen Autism Speaks documentary Autism Everyday, you have seen a mother discuss the want to driver her autistic daughter off the Washington bridge.  Then there is the story of the ice bucket challenge in which peers decided to dump feces on and individual who has Autism during his challenge.

Speaking of the ice bucket challenge, people decided to come up with this really stupid idea in which you do the Twizzler challenge. Two people eat a Twizzler like they are Lady and The Tramp. How is that difficult? How does that show the pain of Autism? Then again, I don't want to show the pain, but who is going to want to donate money to such a good cause if eating a Twizzler is so simple? Why should I be upset over such silly things? Why am I upset that the challenge isn't showing the pain of autism if I am sick and tired of Autism being shown as such a miserable condition? Our world is really messed up.

We have all these problems in our society and all I want to do is share with the world how happy and productive people who have autism can be in our society. The fact that my parents were told that I would live in a group home and that I'm going to college. People who have autism have been great inventors. No one ever talks about those who have been productive. Oh yeah they do such as Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs in which the media portray them as mean and nasty men who are successful, but no one gets along with. Then we have those who think the reason we don't have friends is because we don't want them. go watch the Social Network, why don't you?

Then there is me, ME of all people who want to show the world what Autism really is and then I constantly stereotype my own disability, I mean my own strengths and weaknesses. People with autism are humans that try just like others to connect with others, to maintain a job, to be happy. People with Autism are bright, intelligent people who have a passion for what they do. Yeah we have our weaknesses, but doesn't everybody?

I don’t wonder if people have Autism because they are acting out, I wonder if people have autism because I want to connect with someone.