Thunderstorms

     "What's a seizure?", my friends would as my daddy tried explaining the differences in my brain when I was little. My father would grab the remote and turn the television on. He would try to find a channel that had a lot of static and he would tell them that the seizure was like a thunderstorm. As I grew older, I started to develop violent tantrums where there would be anger raging in my body. At one point I even kicked a hole in a wall. My dad liked to refer to these as trains that wouldn't stop. As of late, I have discovered these are more like storms than they are like trains. Much similar to the thunderstorm analogy of my seizures.
      When I have a tantrum, my father likes to describe them as trains that won't stop because he can't control my behaviors when I get into these fits. It's just like not having control over a run-away train. You have to let the rage run it's course and when it's over, then we can talk about what happened. Over the past couple months, I have had more and more of these episodes that I now like to call thunderstorms. Things haven't been easy in my life and there have been some challenges that I have had to work through, which in turn has created extra frustration in my life.
     When a thunderstorm occurs, there is humidity that builds up over time. Eventually you can't put anymore humidity into the atmosphere and the sky has to fall or produce rain. The sky has to let this built up "anger" or humidity out. This is essentially what happens when I have these meltdowns. The anger is like humidity in the sky. Sometimes it takes a couple storms for all the humidity to disappear and for the sky to be clear. This also happens when I have my tantrums. This week in particular was pretty rough and there were a lot of storms figuratively and literally.
     This humidity that occurs in my body isn't just built up from one thing, but it builds up from many. It's one thing to have personal stuff going on and it's another thing to have Asperger's. When I look at the fact that I am working 32 hours a week, it's a lot to think about and process. When I work at the creamery, the milkshake machines rev up and scrape against the medal cups they mix the ice cream in, the music plays in the background, the caller shouts ice cream flavors, the guests giggle and converse and I am left in this hurricane of commotion. Afterwards, I have to come home and function as a family or in a group of people who have to communicate and support each other. Needless to say, you can't blame this.
     By no means am I making excuses. This is all part of the Aspergers, yes, but this is something that I need to over come. Sometimes I need to have those thunderstorms to clear my mind and that has been the case lately. In the mean time, I am working on other ways to cope. Considering the apserger's and the sensory processing issues, I try to take frequent "scoop" breaks at work to clean tables or clean dishes so my demands on not as high, but I am still being productive. I now need to work on this at the house. I need to look at demands of my family and write lists. I'm not on a time crunch so lists shouldn't be a problem. I can do this.
   

The Impossible

     I don't say it very often because I try to stay strong, but some circumstances have come up that are next to impossible for me to handle right now. I have posted previously about many things that have happened that have upset ended up causing me to write the blogpost about shit that's happened. Not only has "shit happened" now, but I feel like God is leading me in a different direction and some of the things that have happened have been for a reason.
     About a month ago, I found out that I didn't make it into my program at school. The circumstances that this occurred under were pretty ironic? It was almost as if it was meant to be. First off, I had a really high point score, second I had made Dean's list and third, I had a bunch of transfer credits. Given the fact that I had all this going for me, the transfer credits transferred, but didn't give me full credit which is a different story for a different day. I talked to my advisor and she is letting me give it another try to get in the program for next year.
     Two weeks ago I started working in a life skills classroom in my local school district. The first week I was there, I was completely giddy about the experience. I loved every second of it. My mother suggested the idea of becoming a paraprofessional if things with Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. That following weekend, I headed over to my friend's apartment to help my mother clean it (my friend has been int he hospital). I noted how cozy it was and told my mom that I could totally live in an apartment like that and be a para. We calculated money stuff and thought this was a possibility if Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. I still continue to enjoy my para job.
     Last fall, my advisor set my schedule up with classes I needed. In October, I was informed by my disability specialist that I could receive preferential scheduling for my classes before everyone else scheduled. This would allow me to be put in classes where my learning disability "needs" could be met in the best way possible. I chose a particular anatomy professor after having great success the first semester. Considering the fact that I didn't make it into my program, I decided to repeat my Anatomy 1 class with the same professor for a better grade.
     This morning I received an email informing me that I was taken out of the Anatomy class of my choosing and was assigned a new professor given my schedule. I went and looked at the revised schedule to find out that I was put with a professor who absolutely can't meet my needs as they can't meet the typical student's needs. On average, every student in this class gets a C or lower and grades are never returned. Your given a grade at the end of the semester. Never mind the fact that this is also the hardest general ed class that I will take.
     I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to fight for what I want and accommodate my needs in the classroom. I was put with this teacher, out of all the possible teachers, after already being placed in a class that got cancelled. I enjoy my job where I am. The only thing that was really going to help me next semester was this class and a math class. Considering the professor, this class isn't going to help me, but will hinder me. I almost wonder if this is God's way of leading me in a different direction. I don't know what to do. I'm calling the school ASAP tomorrow morning and going from there.