Charley

     Charley died! Charley is no longer on earth with us and it's really hard to believe. Two years, I didn't really get emotional about stuff outside of my own little sphere. Just last week, I was talking to another individual who has Aspergers and we were discussing how we reacted to particular events. "I don't cry like most people do when someone dies", I said. As I've gotten older, it has gotten harder. Lack of emotions can be one advantage of having autism. 

     I was accepted into the occupational therapy program at school in December and I start in August. I've been checking my school email, on the school portal, everyday this summer. Along with your school email are various other things including announcements. "Student Death Announcement", read one of the announcements. "Seriously, again?", I thought. We have had a lot more deaths at my school in the past two years than is normal. It's sadly one of those things you get used to. I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but I just felt this feeling in my head or in my heart that when I checked the announcement, it was going to be someone I knew (not typically the case). In fact it was.

      It was one of the first friends I made my freshman year in school. We haven't been really been close for a while given that we are in different majors and have different classes and interests, but she was one of the first. Charley was quirky, quirky in such a way that was so awesome! Charley had a hilarious shirt I remember that had a big cat on it that frowned. The caption surrounding the cat was, "this is my happy face". I'll never forget the day Charley was sitting in the common room as my mother and I walked in, my mom having never met her, she stood up, turned around and introduced herself wearing a wonderful Thor helmet with a plastic toy axe! This is just a glimpse into the life of Charley. 

     As my freshman year progressed, we began calling her chuckles, because her best friend, an RA was nicknamed Smiley given her last name was Miley. Eventually her name became Narles, and I'm not really sure why, but it stuck. That's what we called her. I remember one evening, we decided to tackle the boys and convince them to do face masks with us too. Charley will truly be missed. I rally wish we had more time with you Charley. It's really hard to know you are gone. :( 

One Year Ago: A Reflection

     Approximately a year ago, I stared seeing a new therapist due to personal and family issues that needed to be resolved. At that point in my life, I had written a blog titled Shit Happens because there were multiple things that I was struggling with and for all I knew, I was falling down the rabbit hole. Today, I saw that same therapist and as I sat there telling her what I have been up to this summer, she was quite surprised.

     Last summer was filled with tears and almost 40 hours a work a week. I don't really have a better way to describe it than that. This summer has been filled with new friendships, speaking to high school kids with Aspergers, and new adventures. Last time I saw the therapist, I had informed her that I recently biked 8 miles with my family over the previous weekend. This time, I shared with her my recent kayak adventure with a new friend who really enjoys wildlife. That same friend and I went to a semi-local wildcat rescue to see the big cats. My therapist informed me that she would have never thought I was a biker or a kayaker, but she could she me in nature.

     The changes that my therapist is seeing in me are completely normal. The things I have been doing lately are things that I enjoy doing. I'm not surviving, but I living now. The first time I walked into my therapist office, she saw a girl with tears in her eyes that just screamed Help Me! Today as I walked into her office, she saw the real me, not the bad side.

     I am truly a young woman full of life who loves adventure. I love kayaking and taking nature walks. I love bike riding and climbing water falls. I love puzzles, reading and scrapbooking when I need to entertain myself. I love people and sometimes I wish I had more common interests; things that others enjoyed more.

Glitches

     Glitches! I haven't been having any meltdowns lately, but I have been having glitches quite frequently. Growing up, I would have meltdowns when things changed, when there were thunderstorms or when there were sirens. Close family and friends tell me I cried when I saw stuffed animals too, but I don't remember that. As I've grown older, the meltdowns have become less frequent and less intense. The last time I had a bad meltdown was probably back in October. I'm happy I don't have meltdowns very often, but the glitches can leave too.
     Once returning home from school for the summer, I picked up hours at my ice cream scooping job. After dealing with personal issues last summer and the chaos at the ice cream scooping job, my boss wanted to start me out at 4 hours a day which isn't bad, in fact it was perfect. This week I will increase to 5 hours a day. :) The 4 hours that I have been working, have been right in the middle of the day. I normally arrive home around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. This week, I will probably start arriving home around 5.
     Upon arrival, my mother usually comes upstairs from the business she runs in our basement. Sometimes my parents like to take a nap and sometimes they like to go out to a movie or do something fun together. As of late, I've come home and had a glitch. The glitches aren't meltdowns, but little blips on the radar as opposed to smooth sailing. Think of the glitches as little waves in the ocean and the meltdowns as the big wave or a tsunami. Most of the time, I irrationally get annoyed with my mother for something, she goes on her way and does what she wants to, I rest and everything is right with the world again. There is no arguing or back talk, she knows not to do that.
     Don't get me wrong when I say that my mothers knows not to argue with me. For people with autism, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are getting away with what we want; for people with autism, it means that there is not rationalizing with us when we are set in our ways. Often times I like to think about the irrational moments in our lives as a run-away train that no one can stop. Give us time and we will come around and learn from the situation.
      These meltdowns are much different from the typical tantrum a child has. For the typical child, it means trying to get something they want and trying to have control. For the child on the spectrum, a meltdown means that something has overwhelmed them or upsetter them an they need to reboot. The most important thing to do when we have a glitch or a meltdown is to give us space and we will come to us when we are ready. People in my past have insisted on rationalizing with me, which has in turn scared them in the end. I have never acted in an aggressive manner, but I have gotten loud, used bad language and by doing so have scared the untrained individual.
     I don't like that I am a young adult and these happen, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Sometimes it happens.