Do you ever just feel mad at the world? Are you ever mad for no apparent reason? Well, sometimes I'm just mad at the world. There is nothing I'm mad about, yet I'm mad about everything at the same time. I know, it's confusing. I currently feel as if my world is being turned upside down, but nothing bad has happened. What has happened, is change. Aspies do not do well with change. A lot of change, but all good change. I think part of the reason it's so hard is that the changes are things that I'm not used to.
Today I went to physical therapy. I really enjoy going to physical therapy because I always feel better when I leave. My PT is also great, understanding, and just gets me for who I am. She doesn't treat me any differently and she doesn't act like I'm weird. She's funny and she treats me just like anyone else. You'd be surprised, but it's pretty hard to find people like that. I've gotten so good at it that I'm normally able to tell if you're going to be my buddy the first time I meet you. Not that I wouldn't kill you with kindness or not, but I may have to work a little harder to interact with you then just being "myself".
As I stepped into the physical therapy office, I heard someone say hello to me. I was surprised that someone behind the reception desk knew who I was. Well, it was my PT. She stood and talked for a couple of minutes and then she unfortunately informed me that I wouldn't be working with her tonight. CHANGE!!! Did I mention how much I hate change and how much I love consistency.
I'm also not used to living on my own, which will eventually be another change. Let's be honest! I went to college and I lived in a dorm. When I lived in the dorm, I was fed meals, everything was in walking distance, and my RA was practically like my parent. Wait, I forgot to mention, my parents were also only a phone call away.
Next week, I'm going to be living alone.....for a week. My parents are flying across the country to a conference. I will be working full-time and I'll actually have to come home and cook myself dinner and clean up after myself! Gasp!!!! Needless to say, I'm overwhelmed. I'm worried about rides and if my rides will get me places on times. I'm worried about cooking meals and not burning the house down. Honestly, I'm worried that my parents are going to come home to a complete disaster. I definitely don't want that to happen.
While I don't want the house to be a complete disaster, keeping it clean is much easier said than done. You know, because this chic doesn't have very good executive functioning skills. I can't keep my own room clean let alone a whole house. Give me a bunch of storage containers and lids and I about flip out because I don't know where to begin. God only knows how I made it through college with all the tests and projects. That being said, I'm also quite organized when it comes to checking things off a list. If someone emails me, I email them right back as soon as I can. Some people don't seem as organized as they could be. While individuals who have autism are not always organized, they like the rest of the world to be extra organized. While change and organization are hard it's also hard to learn something that you basically had to unlearn.
While I refuse to go into detail tonight, I had to learn to speak up for myself and understand that I would be heard. Let me makes this straight. I know how to advocate for my needs, but I don't always know how to speak up for myself when something is wrong. Why? Well, when I was in high school other things happened that once again I will not discuss in length. During this strenuous time in high school, I learned that if I spoke up, I would just be told to stay silent and that I was misinterpreting things. If I wasn't told this, I was basically told that not a whole lot could be done.
On Friday when I even hinted at speaking up for myself, someone actually listened to me. I was so in shock that someone actually took my word for something instead of throwing it to the side as just another thing that Simply J misunderstood. Someone ACTUALLY LISTENED and took action. When action was taken, I was so in shock that tonight I sit here with questions that have yet to be answered. While questions have not been answered, there really is no way to answer them, but to wait. Patience!!!! I'm not very good at patience either!!!
So I'm mad at the world! I'm mad at the world because the world doesn't always make sense to me. The world makes me anxious and at times can be very illogical. Being illogical doesn't make sense, but tomorrow is going to be a new day and this girl is going to kick ass!!!
