The Tinkerbell Dilemma

     Have you ever gotten a favorite gift on Christmas? Have you ever gotten something that you don't like? Well, I have done both, but this year I had trouble deciding how to react. As a child I got the gifts and I kept the gifts. If santa wrote a note saying i could return something, I would if I wanted to, but now that I am older, I have to make my own decisions.

      Christmas brings tons of anxiety for me and sometimes some unhappy and irrational thoughts. Let me begin by explaining these thoughts before I talk too much about tinkerbell. lol. 

     My family is really big on taking trips. We like to go different places, but most often we go to disney and we go on cruises. We can't get a balcony due to my own sanity. I am so scared of the ocean and my self-control that I am scared I will impulsively jump overboard. Sometimes if I have something sharp, I get scared i'll hurt something. I already have the thought consistently circling through my head that I am never going to take a sip of alcohol for fear of becoming an alcoholic. These fears are completely irrational and they come a lot over the holidays. It really doesn't help that I had a dream that I was going to go down hill again the other day. I had a dream that I had a massive tantrum and that mom's dessert got smashed and thrown across the kitchen. I know you all think thats funny but when you see this stuff really transpire, its scary. Before I was getting help, I had kicked a whole in the wall. I hope my conscience isn't telling me something. 

    On christmas day, I opened all my christmas presents and was pretty happy. I got some really cool scrapbooking stuff and a lot of really nice clothes. There was also a pair of pajamas that I got for christmas that had tinkerbell on them, but they were olive green and I was not happy. I also got a wii game that wasn't active and so I wasn't happy about that either. 

     The next day, I had off work and my mom and grandma wanted to go return stuff. My irrational fears kicked in. I felt like I was unhappy about some stuff I got and I was afraid that they would be upset. I went on and got so over worked about that and thought that I was going to have a tantrum and just give all my stuff back. I just was not in the christmas spirit. I don't have any snow after all. Really??? Is my brain trying to tell me I am about to have a big tantrum??? I am getting scared now. 

     I honestly was afraid I was going to explode and say I don't want any of this and that it is all stupid which isn't the case. I don't want to knit pick and make people uncomfortable either. The tinkerbell pajamas were something that I really didn't want and I let my mom know that but she really liked them. I kept quiet for a minute thinking about whether I should make her happy or tell the honest truth. I told her the truth that I really didn't want them and then she was okay. She didn't get upset. 

     I depend on rules in like. My life depends on rules. How much clearer could I say that??? The rule si that you don't express negative feeling towards a gift. Everyone else was expressing that they wanted to return something. I then felt obligated to return something and make myself happier. I don't know maybe as an adult you decide on stuff more and I thought I should decide on more. I picked something I really din't want and it was something I was unhappy with. I didn't pick it just to pick it. I promise, but I sill don't know how am I supposed to react. I was always told that I accept the gift I get with no complaining, but I guess you do what is appropriate at the time.  I need some rule written in my life that states when you can complain and when you can't. I guess the pajamas are okay, but heck that puzzle my grandma got me a couple of years ago that I already have a copy of, we'll keep that a secret. 

Christmas excitement

    You know that child in your house who is the first one to wake up on christmas morning to see what Santa brought??? Yeah, in my house that is my brother. I am the one who lays in bed until he insists on waking me up to go open presents. We proceed to the balcony that overlooks our family room, where we stare in amazement as we see the gifts oh so delightful. Mom and dad grab their cameras and we run down the stairs with joy in our heart. 

      The christmas I just described is probably a typical christmas for many families, but ours is a little different because I have aspergers. Yes, my brother wakes me up in the morning. We grab the camera and we look over the railing. Every thing is normal to that point, but then the seen changes the second we get down the stairs. He becomes expressive and I become monotonic. I have said in the past that I have more expression than the typical apsie, but unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of expression when it comes to getting gifts. In my heart I love them, but on the outside it may look like that is not the case. My brother will jump up and down as I sit there and say thank you. Thats how dull I am on christmas morning. I don't notice it when I am in the moment, but when I look at videos I can see it and is saddens me. I am happy but sometimes I don't show it. 

    This year will be a little different; my grandmother will be with us this year. Its not a problem having my grandmother around, but this will be the first year that she will see me open presents from "santa claus." I don't know how she will react when she sees me open my presents with lack of expression. Will she think that I don't care? I hope that's not the case. Yeah, she sees me open presents from her every year, but thats only a few. This year she will see me open the real presents. She helped santa this year. 

     My grandmother shouldn't bother me, but it does. I love her and she loves me, but when it comes to my autism, she has no idea what we are talking about. Yes, she knows that I have some "learning disabilities" and that they affect my social skills, but thats it. She doesn't understand why I don't care more about my appearance and my room. Every once in a while my mom will tell me how she doesn't understand something about me. How am I supposed to react? I am who I am. How do I explain to her that my autism affects my ability to express my happiness for gifts? What happens if she asks my mom this? This wouldn't bother me if I hadn't seen that video from when I was younger, but it does now. 

    I think I need to go into this thinking that my grandmother loves me. She has the best intentions and she doesn't understand autism. Most families talk about the fact that relatives don't understand why your child is throwing a meltdown due to sensory overstimulation at a holiday dinner. I need to think about myself and my family as fortunate in these circumstances. If my grandmothers only concern is that I am not happy, that is something very little. I have the capability to live on my own. I shouldn't be concerned about what she thinks!!! :)

Football is educational

    I have to admit that tonight I have found out that football is educational as my dad seems to be a typical man and hoard the remote. I have never been a huge fan of football, but the coverage can be very educational. I have no idea how football works, nor do I care how it works. I am not a sports fan, but sitting in front of the television tonight has taught me a huge lesson.

    My mother was talking to me about how my grandmother doesn't understand my aspergers and some of my tendencies. She doesn't understand why I don't like to clean my room and that it doesn't matter to me. After all it is my own room and privacy. My mom had to explain to me why it needed to be cleaned and so I did it. My grandmother kind of understood that. It was left at that then.

     Every child with aspergers had something called little professor syndrome. Mine deals with disabilities. I could tell you all about down syndrome and that there are two types, cerebral palsy and its different types, autism and its different types as well as many different genetic disorders. In fact we were watching a news show the other day where there was a man with a rare syndrome called larsons syndrome. He asked me if I knew what it was. I told him I had never heard of it; he seemed very surprised.

    Over the years, I have gained more and more knowledge about different disabilities. I have even put a lot of effort into studying my own. I know all the key words that trigger people and describe autism. I use them unconsciously. Today, while watching football, the lights in the stadium went out. The media started talking as if all the football players had autism. It was crazy and sounded so abnormal. They were talking about routine and sensory issues. laugh out loud.

     I have always been told to not talk about things such as routine and sensory issues. I have been told not to use the words over stimulated and that my arms and back hurt because I need pressure. its just inappropriate. There is something in autism treatment called modeling. People with autism are not able to pick up on changes that are told to them. Just think, you can't tell an autistic individual to talk. It just doesn't work. If you put an autistic child next to a neurotypical in a video, they may be able to learn. It may not work that extremely, but that is the idea.

      Watching football tonight has taught me through modeling. I have always used strong words to describe my disability because they are descriptive, but I act like more of a doctor and I need to use plain english that sounds normal. After watching this video, I have learned how ridiculous it sounds. It took me seeing it in a structured environment where it was clearly used to understand what I have been doing. I used to come so natural to me. Telling me to knock it off just isn't going to work. I need to see it and understand what I am doing wrong and why.

    Now all I need to work on is that darn interrupting!!! :(

Holiday Stress

     Around this time of year, you are all scrambling to get christmas shopping and decorating over with. Heck, were a week away. We can all admit its a very stressful time of year, but it may be more stressful for some and less for stressful for others. The autism community will be about ready to go insane come january first, but there are some things you can do.

     Let me start off by stating that I hate weekend without adding holidays to the mix. I normally just sit around the house and chill on my computer or maybe scrapbook. Last weekend, my mom decided that we need to clean up the house. She gave each of us a list of chores, but there was something special she did mine that changed everything. My mom added fun activities. The holidays are a great time to get stuff done.

    During the holidays, the days are very unstructured and have a lack of routine. Routine is essential for people who have asperger syndrome. Like I said this is a great time to get stuff done. Last weekend, my mom made my chore list unique for me. She would give me about three chores and then had me study. She would give me a couple more chores and then I would take a soothing shower. She then gave me a couple more and then told me to go pick some pictures out for her to print so that I could scrapbook. I would then proceed to do more chores. Then she had me bake something.

    There are many different aspects of this schedule that come in very handy for individuals with autism. One advantage to this strategy is structure and leisure. You child will have the structure of a list, but the list will maintain a typical routine with fun activities that the child may enjoy. Remember, it takes time to complete tasks on a list. For instance, picking out pictures to scrapbook could take fifteen or twenty minutes. Baking something could take a while too.

    Another great advantage is lack of restrictive behavior or interest. Individuals with autism tend to fixate on certain things, even though they may enjoy other activities. I tend to sit on my computer and work on puzzles all day even though I like to play wii and scrapbook. I also love to bake. It simply has to do with what I am fixated on at the time.  If you give a child a list, you are in control of what they are doing. They know what they have to do and when. If its something they like, it shouldn't be a problem. This will also increase the child's life experiences. For instance, baking cookies teaches measurement and how to bake.

     In the end everyone will feel good. Not only that they accomplished something, but that they had fun while doing it. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover

    Have you ever publicly spoken and recorded? Have you ever had your picture taken and realized that you look awful just because you didn't pose??? Despite the fact that everyone tells me I have more personality and expression that the typical aspie, I still tend to look very flat in photographs unless I am posing. Just take a minute and look at the photo at the top. I am am the individual with the brown flowered dress on, smiling and giving a hug. Yup, thats me!!!

     You ever heard the phrase, never judge a book by a cover? Labels don't mean a whole lot. Labels for aspergers are simply to get services. They have various symptoms, but not all show all the time. I am typically very flat in my pictures. Typically I see the aspergers in me when I look at pictures, but in this picture I see J. Simply J. I wasn't posing, I was greeting the bride.

     When you look up symptoms of asperger syndrome, one symptom that sometimes appears is awkward facial expressions or inability to know what you're expressing. Supposedly we could be completely happy, but have a frown on for just one second. Someone could think we are sad or unhappy due to that one second, but I guess its an inability to modulate our facial expressions.

    When I was little, I had epilepsy. Fortunately I have out grown this. I have always been open about my issues. When I would share that I had seizures,  people would tell me that I would swallow my tongue if I had a seizure. They would also tell me that seizures were really scary things that made you fall to the ground and start shaking. BOTH are myths. Yes, you can fall and convulse, that is called a grand mal seizure. No, you can't swallow your tongue thank you very much.

     The above example just goes to show that people have weird ideas about stuff. It goes to show how its portrayed in media and how it portrayed in our culture. Now, granted these conditions were a lot less know fifty years ago, but there is still stuff to know. I have prove to myself today to not believe some of the stuff that people tell me. Even though I know about autism, I make mistakes myself. Never judge a book by its cover or a diagnosis by its myths for that matter. Get the facts right!!! Thats what this picture did for me!!! The one with aspergers.