I want to write a blogpost. I really want to, but it seems that every time I try, I get stuck. It's as if what I want to say is too long for Facebook or too short of a blog. I know I've talked about being sick, like a lot, but its a huge part of the past year for me. Today, my parents are in AZ, I'm adjusting to being home with out them, and my anxiety is high. This is the first time my parents have left me since being sick.
Yes, I said that right. My have had to cancel several trips because of how ill I was. They were supposed to go on a trip in October. Then they were supposed to go on a trip back in the spring. You know what, they couldn't. They couldn't leave me while I was in the state I was in. It wasn't a matter of me forcing them to stay home. It was a matter of whether or not I would be stable enough at home without an emergency call to my Psychiatrist or even the slight possibility that I would have to be hospitalized. It was that serious. When I say that my anxiety is hight, I'm not being dramatic. In fact it is quite traumatic
Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a lot better, but I still have bad anxiety days. Just as I said above, my parents area away. Changes have always been difficult for especially when it deals with travel. I like to travel myself, but that causes anxiety as well. I worry about my parents or my family making it places safely. I also worry about things that could go wrong while we are away, such as a medical crisis.
Today, I posted on my wall that I was having a bad anxiety day. Most people were sympathetic, but there were a few that weren't. One person decided to tell me that since it was a bad anxiety day, that meant that it was an opportunity to practice my coping skills. Quite frankly, I have to practice my coping skills every day. If I didn't practice my coping skills everydayI probably wouldn't be where I am today, much less even be here. The fact of the matter is that there is a huge difference between Trauma and Anxiety. An anxiety disorder is typically chronic in nature whereas trauma is severe and acute (rapid onset). The anxiety that I am left dealing with stems from trauma. When something stems from Trauma, it requires a whole new set of coping skills that one may not have had for their typical anxiety.
There are still some things that I can still use to help with my anxiety, but a lot of the things I used to use, don't work anymore. Deep breathing became a real struggle when I developed heart palpitations. I'll never forget the night where I yelled for my mom several times and she didn't here me. I was scared to get out of my bed. I finally went to the bed she was temporary sleeping in and laid up against her. My heart felt like it was literally pounding out of my chest. I'm not talking a fast heart rate and panic attack. I'm talking about waking up in the middle of the night, truly wondering if my heart is going to explode. My mother at the time, had to sleep upstairs and right next door to me because I was frequently needing her in the middle of the night.
While realizing that deep breathing wasn't such a good strategy, I tried distracting myself from the anxiety or illness. That was an absolute horrible idea. It sounds really great to keep your mind on positive things, but when you are so far down the rabbit whole, you can't come back up too easily. I was to the point of feeling as though I shall not distract myself from my anxiety and gods will for me. I shouldn't watch television or listen to music. I shouldn't play a game or color. Those activities were not made to glorify God, but were distractions from the devil. Heck, the internet had me believing that adult coloring was the antichrist doing his work as the rapture was on its way. Adult coloring was the anti-christs way of distracting us from God. It allowed us to color mandala's which had a center point that led to the cosmos in Buddhism. Yoga was the antichrist because the positions that you move into are ways to worship the sun god in hinduism. I'll stop there.
When it comes to anxiety, it all becomes very difficult as well because the root of my traumatic illness was anxiety. Now when my anxiety acts up, it's not simply anxiety acting up. When it does act up, in come the flashbacks or memories. While they are not vivid in the sense of visualizing something like a war vet might, they are very real. When I feel anxious, I feel as though I am going to go through what I went through in the fall. I get scared that I'm going to go back down hill. I get scared that I will not only enter the hell I was in but that I won't return to normalcy. I feel worried that I will get so bad again, and I lose my fight.
Anxiety is something that someone can overcome. You may be able to talk someone through the event. For example, I used to be scared of sirens. My parents would tell me that the sirens are to help traffic move out of the way. The sirens were police and ambulances and what not going to help someone. Those are thoughts you can process through. Anxiety happens around things that can be reasoned through.
During a traumatic even like I went through, it's also hard to recover based on the cognitive processes one has to go through. During the first night of high anxiety, I went to the bathroom and had an anxiety attack on the toilet and heading back to my bed. I thought I was going to keel over dead. Therefore, I was became fearful of merely standing up or sitting down on a. toilet seat, worrying that I was going to have a heart attack and fall over. I could tell myself that it was only anxiety attack, but that doesn't take away the flashbacks or memories.
Today, I avoid certain situations like the plague, unless I am forced to enter them. This is another difference between anxiety and trauma. Anxiety makes you worry, while trauma causes you to avoid the most irrational things. Until almost the end of the school year, I absolutely hated using the school bathrooms; four cement walls, feeling alone and claustrophobic all at the same time was really hard for me to do, feeling as though something could happen and no one would no where I was or know that I needed help if I needed it.
This coming fall, Penn College will have there Homecoming and Family weekend again. While most people will be excited for all the festivities and be ready to reunite with old friends, I will be at a wedding. I will not being returning to Homecoming weekend this year or maybe even ever. I can't go back to a place where there is so much pain. I can't believe I've actually even managed to travel to Williamsport since everything happened. I couldn't stand the idea of going back to Atloona for some shopping after spending a day in December there with some friends, merely trying to survive. When I say that I'm having a bad anxiety day, don't tell me to use my coping skills. Tell me you are there for me or give me "hugs". If you can't do that, then please keep your thoughts to yourself.
Yes, I said that right. My have had to cancel several trips because of how ill I was. They were supposed to go on a trip in October. Then they were supposed to go on a trip back in the spring. You know what, they couldn't. They couldn't leave me while I was in the state I was in. It wasn't a matter of me forcing them to stay home. It was a matter of whether or not I would be stable enough at home without an emergency call to my Psychiatrist or even the slight possibility that I would have to be hospitalized. It was that serious. When I say that my anxiety is hight, I'm not being dramatic. In fact it is quite traumatic
Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a lot better, but I still have bad anxiety days. Just as I said above, my parents area away. Changes have always been difficult for especially when it deals with travel. I like to travel myself, but that causes anxiety as well. I worry about my parents or my family making it places safely. I also worry about things that could go wrong while we are away, such as a medical crisis.
Today, I posted on my wall that I was having a bad anxiety day. Most people were sympathetic, but there were a few that weren't. One person decided to tell me that since it was a bad anxiety day, that meant that it was an opportunity to practice my coping skills. Quite frankly, I have to practice my coping skills every day. If I didn't practice my coping skills everydayI probably wouldn't be where I am today, much less even be here. The fact of the matter is that there is a huge difference between Trauma and Anxiety. An anxiety disorder is typically chronic in nature whereas trauma is severe and acute (rapid onset). The anxiety that I am left dealing with stems from trauma. When something stems from Trauma, it requires a whole new set of coping skills that one may not have had for their typical anxiety.
There are still some things that I can still use to help with my anxiety, but a lot of the things I used to use, don't work anymore. Deep breathing became a real struggle when I developed heart palpitations. I'll never forget the night where I yelled for my mom several times and she didn't here me. I was scared to get out of my bed. I finally went to the bed she was temporary sleeping in and laid up against her. My heart felt like it was literally pounding out of my chest. I'm not talking a fast heart rate and panic attack. I'm talking about waking up in the middle of the night, truly wondering if my heart is going to explode. My mother at the time, had to sleep upstairs and right next door to me because I was frequently needing her in the middle of the night.
While realizing that deep breathing wasn't such a good strategy, I tried distracting myself from the anxiety or illness. That was an absolute horrible idea. It sounds really great to keep your mind on positive things, but when you are so far down the rabbit whole, you can't come back up too easily. I was to the point of feeling as though I shall not distract myself from my anxiety and gods will for me. I shouldn't watch television or listen to music. I shouldn't play a game or color. Those activities were not made to glorify God, but were distractions from the devil. Heck, the internet had me believing that adult coloring was the antichrist doing his work as the rapture was on its way. Adult coloring was the anti-christs way of distracting us from God. It allowed us to color mandala's which had a center point that led to the cosmos in Buddhism. Yoga was the antichrist because the positions that you move into are ways to worship the sun god in hinduism. I'll stop there.
When it comes to anxiety, it all becomes very difficult as well because the root of my traumatic illness was anxiety. Now when my anxiety acts up, it's not simply anxiety acting up. When it does act up, in come the flashbacks or memories. While they are not vivid in the sense of visualizing something like a war vet might, they are very real. When I feel anxious, I feel as though I am going to go through what I went through in the fall. I get scared that I'm going to go back down hill. I get scared that I will not only enter the hell I was in but that I won't return to normalcy. I feel worried that I will get so bad again, and I lose my fight.
Anxiety is something that someone can overcome. You may be able to talk someone through the event. For example, I used to be scared of sirens. My parents would tell me that the sirens are to help traffic move out of the way. The sirens were police and ambulances and what not going to help someone. Those are thoughts you can process through. Anxiety happens around things that can be reasoned through.
During a traumatic even like I went through, it's also hard to recover based on the cognitive processes one has to go through. During the first night of high anxiety, I went to the bathroom and had an anxiety attack on the toilet and heading back to my bed. I thought I was going to keel over dead. Therefore, I was became fearful of merely standing up or sitting down on a. toilet seat, worrying that I was going to have a heart attack and fall over. I could tell myself that it was only anxiety attack, but that doesn't take away the flashbacks or memories.
Today, I avoid certain situations like the plague, unless I am forced to enter them. This is another difference between anxiety and trauma. Anxiety makes you worry, while trauma causes you to avoid the most irrational things. Until almost the end of the school year, I absolutely hated using the school bathrooms; four cement walls, feeling alone and claustrophobic all at the same time was really hard for me to do, feeling as though something could happen and no one would no where I was or know that I needed help if I needed it.
This coming fall, Penn College will have there Homecoming and Family weekend again. While most people will be excited for all the festivities and be ready to reunite with old friends, I will be at a wedding. I will not being returning to Homecoming weekend this year or maybe even ever. I can't go back to a place where there is so much pain. I can't believe I've actually even managed to travel to Williamsport since everything happened. I couldn't stand the idea of going back to Atloona for some shopping after spending a day in December there with some friends, merely trying to survive. When I say that I'm having a bad anxiety day, don't tell me to use my coping skills. Tell me you are there for me or give me "hugs". If you can't do that, then please keep your thoughts to yourself.
