This particular scenario started with my mother making the comment, "I don't need to be looking at gloves after the gloves we got me at Kmart!". "MOM!", I shouted as we walked through Target. The stares centered in on us and we got a couple curious looks. I can only imagine what others were thinking. I've been hiding a pair of gloves in the trunk of my mothers car for her for Christmas?" She had no idea what I was talking about. Of course, I had to begin to explain that I had gotten the gloves for her and that she hadn't gotten them. I thought she had seen the pair I bought, but as far as she knows, she bought them with me. I have no idea what she was talking about, but I ruined a Christmas surprise! She was upset that I did so and I kept saying that she had mentioned it to me. "Quit trying to blame someone", she said. "It's either I blame you or keep thinking that I'm an idiot who made a stupid decision". Well, she chuckled at that, good. That's when the hands went up and the UGH came out. "I feel so stupid", "Why did I say something", "What am I going to get her for Christmas". "I ruined Christmas". The thoughts just swarmed in my head until I couldn't take it anymore. This was one of many scenarios that I have fixated on over the past couple of weeks/months. I need to STOP!
Sometimes its really hard to fixate on things. I love that I can fixate on things and have an obsessive joy about things, but that obsessive joy is sometimes not reached. Its like, you get a bite of chocolate that is so heavenly that you take a second bite to satisfy your want. Unfortunately that bite doesn't do it. so you take another bit, and another, and another after that. Sometimes fixations and obsessive joys are like chocolate you can't get enough of. You repeat what you are excited about, you can't get over that excitement, so you keep acting on the excitement and repeat your self over and over again, but you just can't be satisfied and it's FRUSTRATING!!!! Then there are the negative thoughts that you obsess over. Those are difficult too because instead of acting on them, you try to cope with them and when you can't cope with them, they build up, you continue to fixate on them, and you have a meltdown. I just want to stop these fixations NOW!
A couple fixations that I have had over the past couple of weeks just for the full affect
What are we doing for Christmas? I wonder if E can come over for Christmas and decorate cookies with us. Mom can E come down over Christmas and spend time with us. Can you make sure she comes down to decorate cookies with us. I know Emma will be here, but how cool would it be if the three of us did stuff together? Can you message E? Have you messaged E? Has she replied yet? What did she say? Did you ask her specifically about the 23rd to decorate cookies? Okay, I wish E could come over to do cookies.
Am I working on Wednesday? I can't work until close because we are having company come over? Do you know if you need me Wednesday or not? Do you know if I get ice cream or not? Mom always likes getting the special ice cream. Mom tells me I'm not supposed to tell you that. So am I working on Wednesday? V: "no you are not. Me: Okay that means no ice cream for mom then, family is more important than ice cream.
I know she is a new SS. I know she isn't meaning to be bossy. She taking advantage of being an SS. I need to chill, this isn't a big deal. Take a deep breath J. But she is watching me like a hawk. I should got talk to my supervisor. I'm not upset, this is little I have this. She can't keep telling me to scoop ice cream, I need to talk to my supervisor. Talk to supervisor. I'm on cash register now instead of scooping.
I miss M. It's been one year since I saw M. Let me write matt a message. Oh let's change our profile picture to M. I wonder if M will notice. I wonder if M is coming to Pa for the holidays. He does have family here. Wait, will M be able to visit me? Let's message M and see what he is doing for the holidays. M should come to my graduation. I definitely going to invite M to my graduation. M is like a father to me. It's not the same without M. Why did M have to leave me. M is always fishing. M needs to come back and see me. M should probably go see his wife in Scotland. I bet that is what M is doing. M didn't ever message me back. Okay he's in Scotland. I miss M, this is really hard. It's been one year since I have seen M.
R asked me if I was allergic to smelly/scent stuff. I told her no. She wants to get me a present since she is doing secret santa with her staff. I'm not her staff. She doesn't need to get me anything. Why am I so special? What do I need to get someone else? How am I so special. I don't Deserve this. I'm really excited that R is getting me something. I've worked my way into R's heart. I'm R's little ray of sunshine. Are you sure you need to get me something. R, you really don't have to do that. Aww, you are so sweet R. How did R pick me, ME?
Thank you God, I'm going to the Dr's tomorrow. I need relief. I need answers. I want to fix things. Maybe they will have suggestions. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. Maybe K will be able to help me with these fixations. I don't think I need a medication adjustment. These fixations are getting really out of hand. I can't wait to go to the doctor tomorrow. I wonder if this has to do with the holidays. Why am I fixating so much?
I want to take a nap. If I take a nap I feel guilty. It's okay to take a nap right? I've been so lazy, I should contribute more. Mom, should I be doing more, I feel so lazy. Is it weird that I am so tired. If I sleep too much during the day, I'm waiting my life. If I sleep too much during the day, I won't sleep at night. I need to take a nap. Wake me up in an hour. I can't believe I took a nap. Why am I always so tired....
Then I wonder why I am so irritable. Do I need a medication adjustment. Do I just need to get in a regular schedule. Would going to the gym help. When you can't stop these fixations, they really impact you. It's difficult sometimes, but then there are other times I like to obsess over things like Frozen, or completing puzzles.
