Have you ever worked out because you wanted to lose weight? I know I have before and shortly after I begin, I become less motivated to work out. When you become motivated again, you begin to realize that maybe you need something a little bit harsher because you need to lose even more weight. Sometimes, transition is like that too.
Last year, I had some difficult experience with my living situation in the dorm. I had a personality clash with my RA and my Resident Coordinator moved midway through the year. I don't do well with these transitions. As these things popped up, I began to develop a healthy and professional relationship with E, one of the other RA's on staff. I had known E since the beginning of my college experience at this particular school and I began to trust her with deep stuff. I often times tell people that she knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Unfortunate, for me, E is graduating this year and moving on to bigger and better things.
Over the course of the past year, I have begun to depend on E for a lot of things. I have trusted her with more information about my personal life than I share with most people. She has been my main support at college. She helped me with the difficult RA situation, helped me through some tough times, helped me transition to a new coordinator and so much more. Most importantly, she has mentored me and taught me so much about myself. With E leaving, I need to start bootcamp. I need to lose those extra pounds of weight I've pack on. I need to lose the dependency that I have developed with her.
Over the last 8 weeks of the fall semester, I realized my dependency and my manipulative behavior. I knew that if I was upset, she would be there for me. Sometimes I would get upset, when I knew how to cope with things, because I knew she would pat me on the back so to speak. Once I noticed this, I started going to the gym. I started practicing shutting my door more often so I wasn't fixated on where she was and if she was around. I began trying to skip days of seeing her because I knew that one day she wouldn't be around. Going to the gym, or practicing these new skills wore me out. I just wanted E and I wanted her in the moment. I wanted her to play Wii with me, watch movies, with me and eat with me. This battle reigns within me and I know that she is a student who needs to take care of herself too. I care about her needs, but since I do care about her, I also want more of her.
With all this being said, it's time to stop going to the gym and start bootcamp. I have eight weeks to lose this "weight". I have eight weeks to show the world what I am truly made of. I have eight weeks to transition E out of my DAILY life and it needs to begin right now. The most unfortunate part is knowing that I'm not the only person struggling. I think the college or at least ResLife as a whole are truly going to miss this unique, one of a kind individual who has the patients of an angel.
This semester, instead of going to her when I'm upset, I will refuse to meet with her until the next day for breakfast or lunch. E has taught me that I am so much better at reflecting anyway. I will try hanging out with the other RA's more, boosting my trust in them as competent individuals, and I will continue to practice my coping skills. I can't wait to push myself and show the world what I'm truly made of.
