Prior to leaving Kimball's it began to rain pretty hard. We waited inside until the rain subsided enough for me to make it to the car. For those of you who don't know, I can't stand the feeling of rain on my skin. It's one of the various sensory issues that I have because of the Asperger's Syndrome. Typically when sound bothers me, it hurts my ears, but when a tactile feeling irritates me, my shoulders and arms begin to hurt. I try to avoid this at all cost.
As we left Kimball's in our car, it was evident that a huge storm had just passed as the sky was extremely dark. While we made our journey to Walmart and eventually Eder's, I repetitively checked the weather and asked my father if we were heading towards the storm or away from the storm. He continued to reassure me that we were not going in the same direction as the storm. Despite this reassurance from my father, I continued to be on edge until we got to Walmart. I kindly asked my father to let me and my mother out at the front door so that I could avoid the rain. He's a good daddy.
As we pulled up to the front door, it was in question as to whether the store was even open. We saw lights on inside, which meant the power wasn't out. On the other hand, the automatic doors were not working and there was a line to get in the store. With hesitation, my mother and I stepped out of the car and proceeded to enter the store. As we entered the store we were educated about the current tornado warning for the area and that we must head to the toy section as there would be absolutely no shopping at this time. Who doesn't want to goof off in the toy section of Walmart?
My mother and I entered Walmart and we were fortunate enough to have our cell phones with us. We called my father to let him know what was going on because he was obviously going to be curious as to why there was limited access to the store as well. We told him there was a tornado warning and to head in and go back to the toy section. My father told us that we should get out to the car and we would go somewhere else for the supplies. My parents live and hour and a half from school and they really needed to get home.
My father pulled up to the from of Walmart and we got in. As we left the Walmart parking lot my mother picked up not he fact that I was beginning to stim. She asked me if I wanted Eder's ice cream after all. All I could get out of my mouth was that I was sorry that I was stemming and there wasn't really any other option for us at that point. I also pointed out that I liked Eder's as I continued to apologize. My mother abruptly corrected my behavior by letting me know it was okay, but that she didn't need to hear about it.
By the time we got to Eder's and ate our yummy ice cream, the storms had passed. We decided we would head back to Walmart to grab the things we needed. As we were walking through Walmart I let my mother know what exactly I needed/wanted. As I expressed my wants and needs, my mother told me to stop talking like a baby. To this comment, I wasn't completely shocked, but I was surprised. I told her that I couldn't help, I wasn't talking like a baby, and that my brain was under a lot of stress.
If you have taken any Psychology or health classes, you would have learned about the fight or flight response. Typically my response is more of a flight response with the wonderful added meltdown. Since there wasn't room to flee, burn of energy or throw myself into this meltdown, it came out as swimming and baby talking. I wasn't crying and I was proud of myself. As far as I could tell, I was keeping my shit together. Unfortunately, the brain can only handle so much stress before it starts to shut down. In this particular case, my brain was essentially shutting down on me.
When my mother told me that I was talking like a baby, I was really offended because I was aware of what I was doing and it did sound weird, but I couldn't help it. At that moment I was feeling Autistic (refer to blog post titled, I Feel Autistic). When I feel Autistic, I kind of zone out. I don't mind listening to other people, but I don't want to talk, myself. It's not that talking is painful, but it just feels uncomfortable and like it's not the right thing to do. If I really wanted to interact like a typical person during these times, I probably could, but it may cause me to go into meltdown mode because there is too much effort for what typically comes natural when you brain is in this shut down mode.
Most of you are probably wondering what my mother meant when she said that I was talking like a baby. What essentially happened was that my brain was only able to produce the bare minimum that it needed to, to get my point across. For example, instead of saying, "I really like that binder with the puppies on it", I would say point and say, "that want, I like doggies". We also had to do some grocery shopping so as we walked through the aisles, instead of saying, "I need Poptarts", I would say, "portraits". I give the most minimal answer I would give in with a flat affect because it didn't take effort and was less stress on my brain. Now typically I have no problem with affect and it comes naturally, but when part of your brain is shut down like that it's different.
Most of you are probably wondering what my mother meant when she said that I was talking like a baby. What essentially happened was that my brain was only able to produce the bare minimum that it needed to, to get my point across. For example, instead of saying, "I really like that binder with the puppies on it", I would say point and say, "that want, I like doggies". We also had to do some grocery shopping so as we walked through the aisles, instead of saying, "I need Poptarts", I would say, "portraits". I give the most minimal answer I would give in with a flat affect because it didn't take effort and was less stress on my brain. Now typically I have no problem with affect and it comes naturally, but when part of your brain is shut down like that it's different.
After explaining all of this to my mother, I just wanted something to calm me down. I needed a reboot. It felt really uncomfortable. My head didn't want to think and my hurt. I just wanted a hug, a weighted blanket, or to even just zone out, but I couldn't in the middle of Walmart. Fortunately, when we got back to my dorm, I was able to calm down under my weighted blanket as I watched tv and relaxed. By the evening I was ready to have fun again with friends. Granted, I took a two hour evening nap, but that nap gave my brain the reboot it needed.
