A shield: fixation

    I am a young woman who just so happens to have Asperger's Syndrome and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also, just so happen to be in the process of moving. These two things don't go well together at all and have caused me to be fixated on everything. Given that I have Asperger's, I typically do get fixated on stuff, but lately I've been fixated on EVERYTHING.

     I am not always fixated on things to the extend that I am right now, but the fixations I have had lately are almost like a shield against all the changes I am going through: new bed, new room with purple walls, heck even the new house in general. I also tend to feed off of the stress of everyone else in my family too. The fixations aren't bad, but they are there and driving everyone crazy. I rather be fixated than anxious. If I am fixated, I can go to a happy place

   Two weeks ago, I was fixated on 4th of July. this one is a given since we have a party at our house every year. This year will be our last because, like I said, we are moving. I worried up until the actual party wondering if we would actually have anyone showing up. We ended up having 45+ people over to our house and we had a blast. As soon as the party was over, I was fixated on the next thing, Arts Fest.
 
     The previous week I was excited that a family friend would be coming to town to visit for a day and to see Art's Fest. Sadly it rained the day she was supposed to come, but I will see her in August. Not only was I fixated on having the friend over, but I was fixated on getting to see the tents and getting to have Art's Fest food: Scott's Roasting, Cowboy Kettle Corn, and lemonade.
 
      Once Art's Fest got here, I was fixated on the idea that I was going to see KJ on Sunday. KJ is a singer/guitarist who I grew up listening to at camp and she was coming to my neck of the woods. I got to see her and I even got my picture taken with her.

      Last Tuesday, I was fixated on the fact that I was supposed to be going to a family friend's house for dinner. I found out on Monday, that my father had to go out of town so we may have to reschedule. I was not having any of it because I was looking forward to dinner with friends and I don't like my schedule to change.
 
     When we finally decided we were going to the friends' house, I was fixated on the fact that we needed to bring and play Mexican Train Dominoes. My mother had to remind me a couple times that there were other younger kids there and it may be a little to chaotic for Mexican Train Dominoes.

     I'm always fixated on Frozen stuff. In fact my mother has to reel me in when i see something revolving around the snowman Olaf. My mother even made me a homemade Olaf blanket for Christmas and I still get pulled in towards the Olaf blankets at Walmart.

     At work, I'm fixated on everything to. As soon as I come in the door to work, I have to check to make sure all the cups are stocked, coffee drawers are filled, spoons dispensers are filled, and lastly write down what dates I need to take off for Dr. appointments or in the case of this week, write down my last day of work for the summer. God forbid I go and scoop ice cream until that was written down.

      The fixations aren't bad, but they really are a shield to protect me against the anxiety. Sometimes when i fixate, I feel fortunate. Other times fixations can get me upset. For example, if I fixate on something in my schedule and then it DOESN'T HAPPEN, that can be very bad. Maybe I just have a love hate relationship with them, but a few have saved my sanity.

I feel Autistic

     Sometimes I feel normal and sometimes I feel autistic. Most days, when I am my cheery self, I feel normal. When I am overstimulated, I often feel more autistic. It's not easy to explain, but some of the feelings make me happy and some of the feelings make me frustrated.

     Today, I felt autistic. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to stare in space. I wanted to stim. This past week has been a really long week, and it has been hard for me to handle. It's been a good hard, a challenging hard, but hard none the less. At 3:05 during work, I finally melted down. I'd already promised myself this summer at work was going to be different and I wasn't going to shed a tear. Well that planned got messed up today. By 3:15 I was all better and back on the floor working.
      If you notice the beginning couple sentences of the previous paragraph, that's kind of what my thinking is like when I feel autistic. I don't want to talk and my answers are short and sweet. If I can, I try to get away with one word answers or yes and no answers to questions. God forbid, I answer more than that, I start breaking out in tears. Tears are frustrating, zoning is not. When i can zone out, I can think about my own stuff, not worry about the expectations of the world. This makes me feel happy. I begin to calm down.
     When I feel autistic, I also begin to fixate on things more. This week, my fixation is arts fest of course. I am determined to make it to arts fest. When I got in the car after work today, I started talking to my mom. I used as few words at a time as I could and I still broke down again. When expressing myself and reassuring myself about art's fest, I finally broke what I wanted say down to, "Sunday". My mother replied, "yes, we will go to arts fest on Sunday". I was happy. The short one word phrases are always a noun.
     Over the years, I have had experience working with kids who have autism. Often times they will say what they want at which point we coax them to say, "I want...". With my understanding of the way I think is that the child is just saying what they can to get there point across without exhausting themselves. It may not be that they don't know to do it, but that it's exhausting. The child is most likely overstimulated by the world around them and trying to process what they want. Once the child goes into meltdown, they have lost patience with trying to express their needs and wants. It's something so simple, but yet it's so hard to understand.