It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I have struggled to socially interact with my peers, my whole life. I can remember back to fifth grade when I would walk around at recess talking to my homeroom teacher Mr. Benson. I don't really remember particulars of our conversations except for the one time when I was talking about the myriad of medical issues/special needs I had and I stated that I have a lot of trouble with my eyes. He told me that he was as blind as a bat and all I could think about was whether or not he had trouble finding his glasses in the morning because he couldn't see anything. As you can tell, I'm quite a literal thinker.
In middle school I would attempt to play on the playground with my peers, but most of the time it would end in arguments or me thinking that someone was mean to me. When we'd go to the psychologist during seventh grade to figure out the exact disability I had, I remember all the questionnaires my mother and I had to fill out. A lot of them asked if I was ever bullied and my mom would put down that I was quite frequently bullied. I wondered why my mom kept saying I was being bullied. I just knew what he nice kids were and who the mean kids were. There were just some kids I didn't get along with. What I didn't realize was that those mean kids were bullies.
As I continued through middle school, I would start to walk around the circular path on the playground talking with teachers. They would try and make small talk with me which I just didn't get. They were bound to fix me so that I interact and socialize with my peers. They wanted me to get along with my peers despite the face that I was years ahead of them in some areas and years behind them in other areas.
When I arrived in high school, my family physician referred me to a psychologist who promptly diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder and referred me to a wonderful school psychologist who he aptly described as an Autism specialist that was new to our area. Once the new school psychologist Dr. Hunter got to know me, she really reinforced these ideas these ideas that I needed to develop peer relationships and stressed the importance that nothing should limit me. She was also the one that gave my parents hope that I would make it to college and where I am today.
All throughout high school Dr. Hunter stressed the importance of building these peer relationships. My parents jumped not he band wagon then too. They continuously encouraged me to make friends. At one point it came to the fact that I just needed to stop talking about my disability. At that point, I was too far gone and I was determined to teach others about my condition.
As high school continued, the encouragement persisted as well. When I was in eleventh grade, I joined a transition class and started working on some seriously independent living skills. During this period of time, my peer relationships started to flourish some more. The problem was that everyone wanted me to be typical and make typical peers. All the friends I was making had special needs as well. Most had disabilities that were much more severe than mine. I kept insisting that I was making friends, but my family wanted me to be making typically developing friends as well. It just didn't happen.
Here I am now, at 1:45 in the morning during my senior year of college. I am 23 and currently living in a building with a bunch of college Freshman. You do the math. As I sit here and reflect, I keep reinforcing myself that I can't keep socializing with the adults on the college campus. I have become relatively close with the Residence Life staff here and they have greatly contributed to my success. The one staff member has volunteered to assist me in developing some more independent living skills as I work on moving towards graduating and living independently.
I sit here at 23 years of age, trying to figure out who the heck I'm supposed to socialize with. My Resident Coordinator is 24, one year older than I am. The students I'm living with are 18. I'm forced into this position of having to socialize with my peers, these 18 year olds who I live amongst. Really, are they my peers though, or are these staff members I work with on a daily basis my peers. I want so badly to just be friends with my Residence Hall Coordinator, but that's not professional on her part. Although it's not professional on her part, is it really fair on my part? Who are my peers? Who am I supposed to socialize with? As my mom says, I'm an adult now, it's okay to socialize with adults. It's okay to socialize with adults, but what if you have the maturity of the adults in your life, but your at a different part of your life.
All the girls around me are all about parties and doing there homework last minute. I'm all about working on puzzles, scrapbooking, taking hikes, having real conversations about real things, not boys. Although boys are nice, I'm about living my life to the fullest and following God's path for me. I'm about being me, not about figuring out so much who I am any more.
