A Different Kind of Problem

     Aspergers and anxiety disorders have their own set of problems. In girls these may present differently than they do in guys. Most girls may focus on a particular subject of interest, where guys may focus on a particular object. I have always focused, like many girls on a particular subject, that is anything medical. This is not the most common fixation or perseveration, but it was what I was dealt. This fascination has at times been helpful and at other times caused a great deal of stress, such as being scared of having a heart attack at the age of 14 just because my chest hurt. Now I know that this is a pure sign of anxiety and I almost never feel it anymore because I have control.

     On Monday I went to see my Psychiatrist for my regularly schedule check up. As always he asked me how I was doing. I personally think I am doing absolutely fabulous, but that is because my thoughts are positive. One only looks at a mental illness as an illness, in simple terms where there is suffering on the individuals side of things. Yes there are other things like mal-adaptiveness and what not, but that just makes things more complex. So my problem now doesn't reside with anxiety because I am quite happy, but it deals with the intense focus on none other than objects now instead of interests.

    Psychologists will always tell you that they can't change your fixation and that it is something you were born with. Over the past month or two I think my fixations have changed on their own. This is good because I don't sound like some nerd with a bunch of issues, but it can also be difficult because I am focusing on particular objects. This means I am focused on something less broad and it makes my autism a bit more pronounced because normal people don't fixate on objects. Well I am. So the good is I am not focusing on weird stuff about me, but the bad is my fixations are more obvious.

     One obsession I have right now is with Mike from Monsters Inc. I am not even going to try an figure out how to spell his last name. When asked what I want to be for Halloween, I tell my parents Mike. My mom kind of rolls her eyes and says okay and my dad doesn't care because he likes to be creative. I noticed a while back that I was starting to focus a bit much on him, but I am noticing it more and more. It started at Wegman's where I saw a stuffed Mike that I thought I had to have. I then checked with myself and I had no idea. I then proceeded to land myself at Kmart with my mother at one point and I saw a had that had Mike's eyeball on it as if it were a Mike had. I put it on, had my mom take a picture of it, and asked if she would by it for me. Once again I had to check in with myself and say I already have plenty of hats, some much more well made. My mother said Christmas was coming, I gave a little frown and we moved on. To this day I am still focused on Mike to an extent where my mother who is acutely aware of my eccentricities, is aware. I think we have found the culprit of this problem.
     This past summer we had to do quite a bit of shopping. I absolutely love pillows and always have. I also needed some decorative stuff to spruce up my dorm room. My mother and I chose a round green pillow and a rectangular purple pillow. Your probably already catching on. We totally should have gotten the round one in purple and the green rectangular. Anyway, the day I moved in, my mother made my bed and through the pillows on my bed. My dad, with his creative mind decided to pick the green round pillow up, throw it in my face and scream Mike Wizowsky. It clicked then and there and hasn't left, leaving a hopefully temporary fixation with this amusing character from a disney movie.
     If that weren't enough, I now have a new obsession. I am fixated beyond belief with the new Rainbow Loom. I would totally have one now if it weren't for the fact that our family has a rule that you can't get anything new between October and Christmas. Yippeee! :( This weekend I went home and I had the opportunity to hang out with some old friends. The one friend I met up with had a Rainbow Loom. I tried it out, watched some videos and fell in love. So this weekend, I'm pretty sure the only thin that my mother remembers coming out of my mouth was The Little Couple and Rainbow Loom. How many times did I say Rainbow Loom? Enough times to drive my mother to the brink of sanity. Now I get to come back to school and talk about the Rainbow Loom for the next 8 weeks until I finally go home and hopefully get it for Christmas.
     Now these things haven't harmed me and my anxiety. These fixations unlike most, have not caused distress, but they have made things awkward with others. I don't even know how popular said rainbow loom is, but at this time I don't care. I never thought that objects would turn into fixations, but currently they are and actually much more pleasant because they are positive things, not death and medical complications.

Autistic!

     I am a strong woman, don't get me wrong, but there are some things that really upset me. Anything that hurts my family or anyone that I care about, including myself, really kills me. I do have to say that I have absolutely had enough with some of the stuff on campus right now. Penn College is a great school and I care deeply about it, but there are some people just like anywhere you go who are absolutely rude beyond belief. The last several days I haven't personally had to deal with them, but I have overheard numerous conversations that have really hurt me.
     At my dorm, we have pods. Approximately nine students live in each pod, but we are more than welcome to have friends over during the day. Quiet hour starts at eleven and our doors lock at ten. Typically my pod has others in it until about eleven, sometimes later. That's okay as long as they are quiet. Last night there were some other students in our pod that were great and some that were not so great. Since most people had their doors open until about eleven, you were able to hear most conversations; especially since the guys can be loud.
     We also have common areas with televisions and couches. Sometimes I like to escape to my room so I don't have to socialize with a bunch of people. I can have some respect and privacy. Lately that respect has been completely lost in the pod. The men who I have been trying to escape from in the common area because of foul language have been in our pod with their girlfriends lately and its really getting to me. For a while they just used the F word which irritated me. Then it just got worse from there.
     Eventually they started using the R word, retarded. A few years back there was a campaign started to end the R word because it was offensive. Now it isn't even a legal term and those who are mentally challenged are now considered intellectually disabled. Last night, not only did I hear retarded several times and the F word numerous times, but I heard Autistic numerous times. The word Autistic is not a bad word, but when it is used inappropriately it can be extremely hurtful.
     Person first language has always been a big part of my life. You don't say they are autistic, you say they are an individual who just so happens to suffer from Autism. Well that hasn't ever really offended me. Thats how tough I am, but even worse happened last night. As I sat in my bedroom last night and listened to the conversations around me I heard comments such as, "Your acting so Autistic" or " That's so autistic of you". In cooperation with these words they continued to use the F word, "Your acting Fucking Autistic". "What the fuck is wrong with you, thats so autistic". Needless to say I am extremely upset even today and so is my mother. My mom has a mighty tough skin and she built a tough skin for me too, but she is even hurt. This is a new problem and a serious problem and something needs to be done about it.
     It heard so bad last night. I ended up shedding a few tears and talking to my mom. I wanted so badly to go over and say, "who said I am not autistic" or someone in this pod right now could be autistic. Something has got to happen and happen fast!!! :(