"What's a seizure?", my friends would as my daddy tried explaining the differences in my brain when I was little. My father would grab the remote and turn the television on. He would try to find a channel that had a lot of static and he would tell them that the seizure was like a thunderstorm. As I grew older, I started to develop violent tantrums where there would be anger raging in my body. At one point I even kicked a hole in a wall. My dad liked to refer to these as trains that wouldn't stop. As of late, I have discovered these are more like storms than they are like trains. Much similar to the thunderstorm analogy of my seizures.
When I have a tantrum, my father likes to describe them as trains that won't stop because he can't control my behaviors when I get into these fits. It's just like not having control over a run-away train. You have to let the rage run it's course and when it's over, then we can talk about what happened. Over the past couple months, I have had more and more of these episodes that I now like to call thunderstorms. Things haven't been easy in my life and there have been some challenges that I have had to work through, which in turn has created extra frustration in my life.
When a thunderstorm occurs, there is humidity that builds up over time. Eventually you can't put anymore humidity into the atmosphere and the sky has to fall or produce rain. The sky has to let this built up "anger" or humidity out. This is essentially what happens when I have these meltdowns. The anger is like humidity in the sky. Sometimes it takes a couple storms for all the humidity to disappear and for the sky to be clear. This also happens when I have my tantrums. This week in particular was pretty rough and there were a lot of storms figuratively and literally.
This humidity that occurs in my body isn't just built up from one thing, but it builds up from many. It's one thing to have personal stuff going on and it's another thing to have Asperger's. When I look at the fact that I am working 32 hours a week, it's a lot to think about and process. When I work at the creamery, the milkshake machines rev up and scrape against the medal cups they mix the ice cream in, the music plays in the background, the caller shouts ice cream flavors, the guests giggle and converse and I am left in this hurricane of commotion. Afterwards, I have to come home and function as a family or in a group of people who have to communicate and support each other. Needless to say, you can't blame this.
By no means am I making excuses. This is all part of the Aspergers, yes, but this is something that I need to over come. Sometimes I need to have those thunderstorms to clear my mind and that has been the case lately. In the mean time, I am working on other ways to cope. Considering the apserger's and the sensory processing issues, I try to take frequent "scoop" breaks at work to clean tables or clean dishes so my demands on not as high, but I am still being productive. I now need to work on this at the house. I need to look at demands of my family and write lists. I'm not on a time crunch so lists shouldn't be a problem. I can do this.
Dickinson Mental Health Charity Ball
Monday, July 28, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
The Impossible
I don't say it very often because I try to stay strong, but some circumstances have come up that are next to impossible for me to handle right now. I have posted previously about many things that have happened that have upset ended up causing me to write the blogpost about shit that's happened. Not only has "shit happened" now, but I feel like God is leading me in a different direction and some of the things that have happened have been for a reason.
About a month ago, I found out that I didn't make it into my program at school. The circumstances that this occurred under were pretty ironic? It was almost as if it was meant to be. First off, I had a really high point score, second I had made Dean's list and third, I had a bunch of transfer credits. Given the fact that I had all this going for me, the transfer credits transferred, but didn't give me full credit which is a different story for a different day. I talked to my advisor and she is letting me give it another try to get in the program for next year.
Two weeks ago I started working in a life skills classroom in my local school district. The first week I was there, I was completely giddy about the experience. I loved every second of it. My mother suggested the idea of becoming a paraprofessional if things with Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. That following weekend, I headed over to my friend's apartment to help my mother clean it (my friend has been int he hospital). I noted how cozy it was and told my mom that I could totally live in an apartment like that and be a para. We calculated money stuff and thought this was a possibility if Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. I still continue to enjoy my para job.
Last fall, my advisor set my schedule up with classes I needed. In October, I was informed by my disability specialist that I could receive preferential scheduling for my classes before everyone else scheduled. This would allow me to be put in classes where my learning disability "needs" could be met in the best way possible. I chose a particular anatomy professor after having great success the first semester. Considering the fact that I didn't make it into my program, I decided to repeat my Anatomy 1 class with the same professor for a better grade.
This morning I received an email informing me that I was taken out of the Anatomy class of my choosing and was assigned a new professor given my schedule. I went and looked at the revised schedule to find out that I was put with a professor who absolutely can't meet my needs as they can't meet the typical student's needs. On average, every student in this class gets a C or lower and grades are never returned. Your given a grade at the end of the semester. Never mind the fact that this is also the hardest general ed class that I will take.
I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to fight for what I want and accommodate my needs in the classroom. I was put with this teacher, out of all the possible teachers, after already being placed in a class that got cancelled. I enjoy my job where I am. The only thing that was really going to help me next semester was this class and a math class. Considering the professor, this class isn't going to help me, but will hinder me. I almost wonder if this is God's way of leading me in a different direction. I don't know what to do. I'm calling the school ASAP tomorrow morning and going from there.
About a month ago, I found out that I didn't make it into my program at school. The circumstances that this occurred under were pretty ironic? It was almost as if it was meant to be. First off, I had a really high point score, second I had made Dean's list and third, I had a bunch of transfer credits. Given the fact that I had all this going for me, the transfer credits transferred, but didn't give me full credit which is a different story for a different day. I talked to my advisor and she is letting me give it another try to get in the program for next year.
Two weeks ago I started working in a life skills classroom in my local school district. The first week I was there, I was completely giddy about the experience. I loved every second of it. My mother suggested the idea of becoming a paraprofessional if things with Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. That following weekend, I headed over to my friend's apartment to help my mother clean it (my friend has been int he hospital). I noted how cozy it was and told my mom that I could totally live in an apartment like that and be a para. We calculated money stuff and thought this was a possibility if Occupational Therapy didn't pan out. I still continue to enjoy my para job.
Last fall, my advisor set my schedule up with classes I needed. In October, I was informed by my disability specialist that I could receive preferential scheduling for my classes before everyone else scheduled. This would allow me to be put in classes where my learning disability "needs" could be met in the best way possible. I chose a particular anatomy professor after having great success the first semester. Considering the fact that I didn't make it into my program, I decided to repeat my Anatomy 1 class with the same professor for a better grade.
This morning I received an email informing me that I was taken out of the Anatomy class of my choosing and was assigned a new professor given my schedule. I went and looked at the revised schedule to find out that I was put with a professor who absolutely can't meet my needs as they can't meet the typical student's needs. On average, every student in this class gets a C or lower and grades are never returned. Your given a grade at the end of the semester. Never mind the fact that this is also the hardest general ed class that I will take.
I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to fight for what I want and accommodate my needs in the classroom. I was put with this teacher, out of all the possible teachers, after already being placed in a class that got cancelled. I enjoy my job where I am. The only thing that was really going to help me next semester was this class and a math class. Considering the professor, this class isn't going to help me, but will hinder me. I almost wonder if this is God's way of leading me in a different direction. I don't know what to do. I'm calling the school ASAP tomorrow morning and going from there.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Shit happens
Often times we think about going to a therapist because we have a mental illness. We need someone to help us with it and "fix" us, but sometimes we just need to go. As of Thursday, I have officially decided to start seeing a therapist again, not because of my anxiety disorder, but because Shit happens. I don't think I have had a smooth week since the beginning of March to be perfectly honest.
I went to see my psychiatrist on Thursday for my regular check up. I told him school went well and then I started sharing my sob story and literally started to bawl in his office which I never do. Long story short, he looks at me and tells me he doesn't think i need a medicine change, but I need a therapist to talk to. Boy was he right and I wasn't going to complain. I was hoping that was what he was going to say. After the appointment, I checked out and scheduled and app for a therapist. Low and behold, I was able to get in that afternoon.
My psychiatrist has me on medication for a generalized anxiety disorder and that wasn't the problem. The problem was that shit happened, I developed emotions and I don't know how to react to this new bag of tricks/emotions that are being thrown at me. I hesitated at first to go see a therapist, but I knew I needed to. I told my psychiatrist that whoever I saw better not continually repeat,"so how do you feel about that" and "so what your saying is...". The psychiatrist took a post-it note and wrote down three therapist names and told us to contact them in that order. I got into our first choice even though she's pretty full.
Anyway, back to this whole things happen deal. In march, spring break was the breaking point for everyone before they went bat shit crazy. There were not only 8 weeks left for the semester, but 8 weeks left for the whole school year. Everyone decided they were done and therefore they didn't have to get along with anyone. I had games "stolen" and given back, I had puzzles torn apart and mixed together and a slew of other things I'm not going to go into detail about. This stuff continued to happen until the end of the school year. Once school was over, then it was all the media's fault. The Washington Post had to moronic and post ridiculous articles about the rate of homicide or mass murderer's among the Asperger's population and Elliott Rodgers ticked every aspie on this planet off.
Following those two things and remembering Adam Lanza, the Slenderman story came out. I hit the ground in tears praying to God that the girls involved in this incident didn't have Asperger's too. An article came out shortly after stating that one of them had a mental illness. Yippeee!!! :( In the middle of all of this, two people who I used to work with sadly passed away.
Now were at the end of May and the beginning of June. I get the stomach bug and I'm out of commission for a whole week. I come back from camp and I find out that I didn't get into the Occupational Therapy program at school, which made me mad at myself that I didn't do better. Now I sit here and my friend is in the ICU fighting to have a "normal" life/future ahead of her. Among this, there are so many other things that I could share, but are just too deep and too personal too share, but I think this is enough to get the picture. Oh and now I'm down and hopefully not out of commission with a cold.
Needless to say, I just need to have one smooth week. Most people may be thinking that things just happen in life and we have to get over them, but when you grew up having minimal empathy and you go threw an emotional growth spurt, you don't always know what to do with yourself and sometimes you need some help learning how to cope again. For example, I don't typically cry when someone dies, but the past two times it happened, I got quite upset.
When I finally met up with this new therapist, she actually told me straight up how it was and asked lots of question ranging from religion, to medical history and everything in between. So far she's a keeper and I hope to grow a lot over the summer even if I got to this point because shit happened!!!
I went to see my psychiatrist on Thursday for my regular check up. I told him school went well and then I started sharing my sob story and literally started to bawl in his office which I never do. Long story short, he looks at me and tells me he doesn't think i need a medicine change, but I need a therapist to talk to. Boy was he right and I wasn't going to complain. I was hoping that was what he was going to say. After the appointment, I checked out and scheduled and app for a therapist. Low and behold, I was able to get in that afternoon.
My psychiatrist has me on medication for a generalized anxiety disorder and that wasn't the problem. The problem was that shit happened, I developed emotions and I don't know how to react to this new bag of tricks/emotions that are being thrown at me. I hesitated at first to go see a therapist, but I knew I needed to. I told my psychiatrist that whoever I saw better not continually repeat,"so how do you feel about that" and "so what your saying is...". The psychiatrist took a post-it note and wrote down three therapist names and told us to contact them in that order. I got into our first choice even though she's pretty full.
Anyway, back to this whole things happen deal. In march, spring break was the breaking point for everyone before they went bat shit crazy. There were not only 8 weeks left for the semester, but 8 weeks left for the whole school year. Everyone decided they were done and therefore they didn't have to get along with anyone. I had games "stolen" and given back, I had puzzles torn apart and mixed together and a slew of other things I'm not going to go into detail about. This stuff continued to happen until the end of the school year. Once school was over, then it was all the media's fault. The Washington Post had to moronic and post ridiculous articles about the rate of homicide or mass murderer's among the Asperger's population and Elliott Rodgers ticked every aspie on this planet off.
Following those two things and remembering Adam Lanza, the Slenderman story came out. I hit the ground in tears praying to God that the girls involved in this incident didn't have Asperger's too. An article came out shortly after stating that one of them had a mental illness. Yippeee!!! :( In the middle of all of this, two people who I used to work with sadly passed away.
Now were at the end of May and the beginning of June. I get the stomach bug and I'm out of commission for a whole week. I come back from camp and I find out that I didn't get into the Occupational Therapy program at school, which made me mad at myself that I didn't do better. Now I sit here and my friend is in the ICU fighting to have a "normal" life/future ahead of her. Among this, there are so many other things that I could share, but are just too deep and too personal too share, but I think this is enough to get the picture. Oh and now I'm down and hopefully not out of commission with a cold.
Needless to say, I just need to have one smooth week. Most people may be thinking that things just happen in life and we have to get over them, but when you grew up having minimal empathy and you go threw an emotional growth spurt, you don't always know what to do with yourself and sometimes you need some help learning how to cope again. For example, I don't typically cry when someone dies, but the past two times it happened, I got quite upset.
When I finally met up with this new therapist, she actually told me straight up how it was and asked lots of question ranging from religion, to medical history and everything in between. So far she's a keeper and I hope to grow a lot over the summer even if I got to this point because shit happened!!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Enough
"Study: 'Significant' statistical link between mass murder and autism, brain injury", the title flashing across my screen read. "Damn it", I thought as I read this and automatically thought about Adam Lanza and the tragedy that not only killed 26 individuals living in Conneticut, but emotionally hurt millions of people across the U.S. who suffer from Aspergers on a daily basis. I was really ticked off when this article from the Washington post hit the internet. I looked at the article was flabbergasted. I already had an inkling something was going on after seeing numerous autism "pages" on Facebook reporting about such ignorant information.
I can handle a lot and I was able to handle this article that came out, but it took me a little to get over it. Of course, the people who come back to me on facebook about my hurt feelings are those that want to Take Action, which I just can't do. I'm not going to write to a national journal/post about my opinion and think that they are actually going to do something about. No way!!!
I will take you back 24 hours hours to the prior morning where I was cordially invited to a committee meeting for local autism programming for adults. I was the "story of hope" that is hopefully going to propel these programs along. I was ecstatic to be at this meeting which coincidentally involved the Program Director from the Autism Program I was treated at through high school. These people came an hour and a half for this meeting which also involved people from a local special needs program for adults and people from our local University. The meeting lasted longer than I could attend, but I was able to express myself and I will be able to do the same at future meetings. Needless to say autism was already on my mind when this article came out.
Fast-forward 24 hours after the Washington Post article. That very next day, the articles start popping up about Elliot Rodgers, the suspect in the California Massacre. Elliot Rodgers is said to have Aspergers and this is why he went and killed people. Since he had Aspergers, he had no friends and so therefore had to kill people for revenge. This puts Autism in the light once again on a negative note! I sit here today nearly in tears, unable to sleep because of this.
No one fully understands what it is like to have Aspergers and have people misunderstand you. Asperger's is part of my identity and up until this point I have been proud of it. I don't know if that should be the case anymore though. Right now I am heartbroken and I don't know where I belong. I can't hide my Autism and then when your asked what's wrong with you or why you act a certain way, there is nothing that can be said.
What about future employment? The interpersonal skills I have are good, but they sure aren't perfect and sometimes I need help at work. I need a boss to understand where I am coming from. What about those moments when I freak out? I can't tell them I have Aspergers anymore? Up until this point I've been able to share such information after my bosses get to know me and if/when a situation comes up.
Let me put it to you this way. For every individual who is declared to be a mass murderer and has been labelled with Asperger's by the media, that will increase the likelihood of another individual with Autism to commit suicide or act in a harmful manner. By no means am I saying that this is me, but it does kill your self-esteem. If I wasn't so open and able to relate to others in the autism community who understand my point of view, I don't know where I would be today. I want to show the world what Aspergers is and that I am happy and successful. Autism is not a demon and Autism is not a crime.
P.S.
I'm sitting here right now with 100mg of Hydroxazine (prescribed by my doctor) in my body just so I can sleep tonight. This is not because I have sleep insomnia, nor is it because I have an anxiety disorder. It's because I have autism and I feel threatened by society. I want to cry right now and I don't know what my future holds. I sit here with thoughts racing through my head and I've had ENOUGH!!! Damn you Adam Lanza!!! Damn you Eliott Rodgers!!! Damn you mental health system that fails us!!! #autismisnotacrime!!!
I can handle a lot and I was able to handle this article that came out, but it took me a little to get over it. Of course, the people who come back to me on facebook about my hurt feelings are those that want to Take Action, which I just can't do. I'm not going to write to a national journal/post about my opinion and think that they are actually going to do something about. No way!!!
I will take you back 24 hours hours to the prior morning where I was cordially invited to a committee meeting for local autism programming for adults. I was the "story of hope" that is hopefully going to propel these programs along. I was ecstatic to be at this meeting which coincidentally involved the Program Director from the Autism Program I was treated at through high school. These people came an hour and a half for this meeting which also involved people from a local special needs program for adults and people from our local University. The meeting lasted longer than I could attend, but I was able to express myself and I will be able to do the same at future meetings. Needless to say autism was already on my mind when this article came out.
Fast-forward 24 hours after the Washington Post article. That very next day, the articles start popping up about Elliot Rodgers, the suspect in the California Massacre. Elliot Rodgers is said to have Aspergers and this is why he went and killed people. Since he had Aspergers, he had no friends and so therefore had to kill people for revenge. This puts Autism in the light once again on a negative note! I sit here today nearly in tears, unable to sleep because of this.
No one fully understands what it is like to have Aspergers and have people misunderstand you. Asperger's is part of my identity and up until this point I have been proud of it. I don't know if that should be the case anymore though. Right now I am heartbroken and I don't know where I belong. I can't hide my Autism and then when your asked what's wrong with you or why you act a certain way, there is nothing that can be said.
What about future employment? The interpersonal skills I have are good, but they sure aren't perfect and sometimes I need help at work. I need a boss to understand where I am coming from. What about those moments when I freak out? I can't tell them I have Aspergers anymore? Up until this point I've been able to share such information after my bosses get to know me and if/when a situation comes up.
Let me put it to you this way. For every individual who is declared to be a mass murderer and has been labelled with Asperger's by the media, that will increase the likelihood of another individual with Autism to commit suicide or act in a harmful manner. By no means am I saying that this is me, but it does kill your self-esteem. If I wasn't so open and able to relate to others in the autism community who understand my point of view, I don't know where I would be today. I want to show the world what Aspergers is and that I am happy and successful. Autism is not a demon and Autism is not a crime.
P.S.
I'm sitting here right now with 100mg of Hydroxazine (prescribed by my doctor) in my body just so I can sleep tonight. This is not because I have sleep insomnia, nor is it because I have an anxiety disorder. It's because I have autism and I feel threatened by society. I want to cry right now and I don't know what my future holds. I sit here with thoughts racing through my head and I've had ENOUGH!!! Damn you Adam Lanza!!! Damn you Eliott Rodgers!!! Damn you mental health system that fails us!!! #autismisnotacrime!!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Justifying My Right
I don't know how to come out and really talk about something so controversial. Right now I am trying to justify why I did something; I'm trying to lie to myself that something I did was completely appropriate even though it wasn't. I'm not a naughty girl, but right now I feel like I am. I got Cards Against Humanity for Easter and I really wanted it too.
Over the past couple weeks, I have been trying to recover some of my friendships. In the mean time, I didn't seem to have things in my possession that would make others happy. Sitting in my room all semester, I have had a game of Apples to Apples, Phase 10, Othello, and Skip-Bo. Never once have I brought anything inappropriate or absurd into my room. One of the ways I have reached out to others is by asking if they want to play a game. When asked what I have, I simply list off the games that I have and most often suggest a game of Apples to Apples. The automatic response I get is, "do you have Cards Against Humanity." I abruptly answer no, trot of to my room and turn to Facebook friends to see if they have a copy in my own desperation. They never have.
My parents decided that it would be good for the Easter Bunny to bring this game for me. I was thrilled that it was in my Easter basket. I knew right away that I was going to bring this game right up to school and play it with my friends. Now that I have the game and now that I am asking others if they want to play, they are suggesting that its inappropriate. These are obviously different friends.
From a religious perspective I feel absolutely horrible. I don't do drugs, get tattoos or do anything else rally "bad". If I even swear people laugh at me because they aren't used to hearing me swear. Someone gave me a horrible scenario then when they found out that I owned the game. The scenario was the following, "how would you feel if Jesus felt it was his time to come meet us on earth again and he saw you playing this game?" I sat there trying to come up with a good argument or a good excuse as to why it was okay that I had this game. In the end, I feel defeated.
Point number one I want to make in my defense though is that I struggle to make and keep friends and if I have this game I think I actually may win friends even though I'm not influencing people. The other year my mother let me purchase a Vera Bradley backpack purely to fit in even though it was a whopping $110. Seriously I am a Christian who has morals and beliefs, but sometimes those have to be broken to have friends which leads me to point two.
When I discussed with friends that I felt this way they suggested that I don't need any friends and that all I need is God and Jesus. In my defense, yes this may be true, but it still begs a question. In the end all we need is him, but aren't we supposed to interdepend on each other AND Jesus? I sure don't want to live in solitary confinement. I think we all need friends, but they have to be friends who have a good influence, which is hard for me to find.
When I discussed this with another individual she suggested once again that I should find other friends. Then I begged to differ by telling her that it was nearly impossible to find good Christian friends when you have Autism. It's hard to find good any type of friend when you have autism. Her reply back was, "then you'll be in the majority with every other christian loner out there. Join the crowd." I was extremely displeased by this statement because I thrive off of socializing.
One last point I want to mention is that we all sin and no one sin is greater than any other. Then someone justified this by saying yes that is true, but as Christians it's not a matter of not purposely sinning, but trying not to sin and becoming more like Jesus.
I can't seem to justify myself right now. I do very little inappropriate things and I think I will stick with this. No sin is greater than another. I may know I am sinning, but we are all dirty rags anyway. Maybe someday when people learn how to treat me properly and have a good Christian heart, I will hang out with different people, but right now I have my Christian friends and my dorm friends. The dorm friends I coexist/live with and have no choice but to be influenced by them as I want to fit in. I need to conform so I don't face negative sanctions.
Over the past couple weeks, I have been trying to recover some of my friendships. In the mean time, I didn't seem to have things in my possession that would make others happy. Sitting in my room all semester, I have had a game of Apples to Apples, Phase 10, Othello, and Skip-Bo. Never once have I brought anything inappropriate or absurd into my room. One of the ways I have reached out to others is by asking if they want to play a game. When asked what I have, I simply list off the games that I have and most often suggest a game of Apples to Apples. The automatic response I get is, "do you have Cards Against Humanity." I abruptly answer no, trot of to my room and turn to Facebook friends to see if they have a copy in my own desperation. They never have.
My parents decided that it would be good for the Easter Bunny to bring this game for me. I was thrilled that it was in my Easter basket. I knew right away that I was going to bring this game right up to school and play it with my friends. Now that I have the game and now that I am asking others if they want to play, they are suggesting that its inappropriate. These are obviously different friends.
From a religious perspective I feel absolutely horrible. I don't do drugs, get tattoos or do anything else rally "bad". If I even swear people laugh at me because they aren't used to hearing me swear. Someone gave me a horrible scenario then when they found out that I owned the game. The scenario was the following, "how would you feel if Jesus felt it was his time to come meet us on earth again and he saw you playing this game?" I sat there trying to come up with a good argument or a good excuse as to why it was okay that I had this game. In the end, I feel defeated.
Point number one I want to make in my defense though is that I struggle to make and keep friends and if I have this game I think I actually may win friends even though I'm not influencing people. The other year my mother let me purchase a Vera Bradley backpack purely to fit in even though it was a whopping $110. Seriously I am a Christian who has morals and beliefs, but sometimes those have to be broken to have friends which leads me to point two.
When I discussed with friends that I felt this way they suggested that I don't need any friends and that all I need is God and Jesus. In my defense, yes this may be true, but it still begs a question. In the end all we need is him, but aren't we supposed to interdepend on each other AND Jesus? I sure don't want to live in solitary confinement. I think we all need friends, but they have to be friends who have a good influence, which is hard for me to find.
When I discussed this with another individual she suggested once again that I should find other friends. Then I begged to differ by telling her that it was nearly impossible to find good Christian friends when you have Autism. It's hard to find good any type of friend when you have autism. Her reply back was, "then you'll be in the majority with every other christian loner out there. Join the crowd." I was extremely displeased by this statement because I thrive off of socializing.
One last point I want to mention is that we all sin and no one sin is greater than any other. Then someone justified this by saying yes that is true, but as Christians it's not a matter of not purposely sinning, but trying not to sin and becoming more like Jesus.
I can't seem to justify myself right now. I do very little inappropriate things and I think I will stick with this. No sin is greater than another. I may know I am sinning, but we are all dirty rags anyway. Maybe someday when people learn how to treat me properly and have a good Christian heart, I will hang out with different people, but right now I have my Christian friends and my dorm friends. The dorm friends I coexist/live with and have no choice but to be influenced by them as I want to fit in. I need to conform so I don't face negative sanctions.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Bullies!
We think of bullies as big kids in grade school who beat up on the innocent during recess. That is far from the truth. We also think that bullies only exist in grade school and then they magically grow up. This to, is not the case or at least based on recent experiences. I went on spring break, came back and everyone went bat shit crazy. They came back from break and realized that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel being the end of the semester.
I understand that people have problems living with others for so long and everyone has done a good job, up until about now. After break ended, I started getting excluded from things. Friends of mine are starting to drink for their enjoyment and I prefer not too. In the mean time, I have had to look at who my real friends are. Some I have kept, others I have backed away from. We are all trying to figure things out.
There are the little arguments people get into and then there is straight out be stupid and being a bully. Friday morning was the icing on the cake. As many people know, I absolutely love working on puzzles. I keep a puzzle out in my common area which is shared by a wing in my dorm. There are tables out there that I keep my puzzles on. Well in the insanity of this place, someone decided to take three of my puzzles, dump the puzzle pieces on the table, scramble the pieces up and put them back in boxes. That is 3000 pieces of puzzle mixed together and evenly distributed between three boxes.
I can understand if someone is mad at me, but to just do it out of stupidity, is utterly ridiculous. Now during the month of autism awareness, I am left with out a single puzzle to de-stress with after a long day. Each puzzle costs about $15 and there are three of them. That is nearly $50 worth of puzzles. The people who did this, don't even know me, but they lost their mind and decided to mess with others stuff and be bullies. They decided to take their frustration out on others, just little things, but enough to disrupt someone. In the mean time, not only were the puzzles destroyed, but there were chairs and couches flipped. Did I say crazy?
I understand that people have problems living with others for so long and everyone has done a good job, up until about now. After break ended, I started getting excluded from things. Friends of mine are starting to drink for their enjoyment and I prefer not too. In the mean time, I have had to look at who my real friends are. Some I have kept, others I have backed away from. We are all trying to figure things out.
There are the little arguments people get into and then there is straight out be stupid and being a bully. Friday morning was the icing on the cake. As many people know, I absolutely love working on puzzles. I keep a puzzle out in my common area which is shared by a wing in my dorm. There are tables out there that I keep my puzzles on. Well in the insanity of this place, someone decided to take three of my puzzles, dump the puzzle pieces on the table, scramble the pieces up and put them back in boxes. That is 3000 pieces of puzzle mixed together and evenly distributed between three boxes.
I can understand if someone is mad at me, but to just do it out of stupidity, is utterly ridiculous. Now during the month of autism awareness, I am left with out a single puzzle to de-stress with after a long day. Each puzzle costs about $15 and there are three of them. That is nearly $50 worth of puzzles. The people who did this, don't even know me, but they lost their mind and decided to mess with others stuff and be bullies. They decided to take their frustration out on others, just little things, but enough to disrupt someone. In the mean time, not only were the puzzles destroyed, but there were chairs and couches flipped. Did I say crazy?
Saturday, March 22, 2014
A Piece Of Shit
After recovering from last week, I was ready to hit this week on a good note. I tried my best and I did succeed in some ways. In other ways, I failed. I failed miserably and right I feel like every peer I know currently views me as some piece of shit and I'm not entirely sure why. All I want to do is cry and cuddle up with my mother because clearly no one else cares about me, like my own family does.
After the Habitat trip, my parents took me home to recover and I absolutely loved it. I was attached to my mothers hip the whole weekend and we spent good quality family time. I was able to rest up and be ready for my week of school. I got back on Sunday, got settled in my room and went to classes on Monday. I woke up Tuesday, with a migraine, went to my Anatomy lab and almost fainted while working with blood. Other than that, Tuesday wasn't too bad.
Wednesday, I started talking to, asking what their plans were for the weekend. Everyone was either having a boyfriend up or had a bunch of work to do. I wanted to go see a comedian Friday night and I asked around to see if people wanted to go. At this point, everyone was either sick, had too much work or still had a boyfriend over.
Friday night, after asking about last chances to go see the comedian with all no's, the people who had too much work to do all went out and had Rita's. I wasn't invited at all, even though I had mentioned that I would love to hang out and do something this weekend. So much for getting their school work done. To add to this, I asked one friend if she wanted to go and she said she was sick. I suggested we do something Saturday and her reply was, "I don't know, who knows who else will ask me to do something tomorrow!" My jaw dropped at this point. How could someone turn someone down in hopes of someone better asking them to do something later.
I finally got someone to hang out with me Friday night. We didn't go the comedian, but we had fun anyway. After going to Starbucks, we swung back by my room to pick up a game. When I moved the game box on my shelf it made a nasty sound like that of nails on a chalk board. My friend and I both giggled and were promptly told to shut up by other who were also causing a ruckus in the pod. I didn't misinterpret this because my neurotypical friend promptly rolled her eyes and told me I had a place to stay at her apartment if I ever needed somewhere to stay.
Today, I ended up going to a movie with a couple of people from one of the clubs I was in. It was a good time and we had dinner afterward. Then I touched base with a friend who I thought was a best friend. She said she had a ton of homework to do today so she couldn't hang out. I touched base to see if she wanted a break tonight and she is out drinking with friends. I was surprised she was doing this, so I was curious who she was with. Now, I wish I hadn't asked. The whole group from Habitat is out having fun celebrating someone else's birthday except for me. I never got the invite. People know I don't like drinking, but that doesn't mean you can't invite me and have me say no or maybe even yes and I can get a non-alcoholic drink and an appetizer.
I've pretty much had it with people, and I'm not really sure who my true friends are after this weekend. Every one including those who I thought were my best friends have turned me down. Thank goodness I go home next weekend.
After the Habitat trip, my parents took me home to recover and I absolutely loved it. I was attached to my mothers hip the whole weekend and we spent good quality family time. I was able to rest up and be ready for my week of school. I got back on Sunday, got settled in my room and went to classes on Monday. I woke up Tuesday, with a migraine, went to my Anatomy lab and almost fainted while working with blood. Other than that, Tuesday wasn't too bad.
Wednesday, I started talking to, asking what their plans were for the weekend. Everyone was either having a boyfriend up or had a bunch of work to do. I wanted to go see a comedian Friday night and I asked around to see if people wanted to go. At this point, everyone was either sick, had too much work or still had a boyfriend over.
Friday night, after asking about last chances to go see the comedian with all no's, the people who had too much work to do all went out and had Rita's. I wasn't invited at all, even though I had mentioned that I would love to hang out and do something this weekend. So much for getting their school work done. To add to this, I asked one friend if she wanted to go and she said she was sick. I suggested we do something Saturday and her reply was, "I don't know, who knows who else will ask me to do something tomorrow!" My jaw dropped at this point. How could someone turn someone down in hopes of someone better asking them to do something later.
I finally got someone to hang out with me Friday night. We didn't go the comedian, but we had fun anyway. After going to Starbucks, we swung back by my room to pick up a game. When I moved the game box on my shelf it made a nasty sound like that of nails on a chalk board. My friend and I both giggled and were promptly told to shut up by other who were also causing a ruckus in the pod. I didn't misinterpret this because my neurotypical friend promptly rolled her eyes and told me I had a place to stay at her apartment if I ever needed somewhere to stay.
Today, I ended up going to a movie with a couple of people from one of the clubs I was in. It was a good time and we had dinner afterward. Then I touched base with a friend who I thought was a best friend. She said she had a ton of homework to do today so she couldn't hang out. I touched base to see if she wanted a break tonight and she is out drinking with friends. I was surprised she was doing this, so I was curious who she was with. Now, I wish I hadn't asked. The whole group from Habitat is out having fun celebrating someone else's birthday except for me. I never got the invite. People know I don't like drinking, but that doesn't mean you can't invite me and have me say no or maybe even yes and I can get a non-alcoholic drink and an appetizer.
I've pretty much had it with people, and I'm not really sure who my true friends are after this weekend. Every one including those who I thought were my best friends have turned me down. Thank goodness I go home next weekend.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Testing The Limits
A few months back, I had discussed the fact that there were a ton of opportunities coming my way. Well, now they have come and gone. Back in February I applied for a position on campus, working for their summer youth program that is similar to new student orientation. I was waiting for acceptance into the program until this week. Also back in February, I found out about a service trip that would take part over my spring break. That happened this week too.
The spring break trip to New York started off my spring break week on a positive note. I headed to New York with some people I knew and some I didn't. We slept in a church at night and worked for Habitat for Humanity during the day. When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by a crowd of families that we would be helping. The families were having a community dinner while we unpacked our belongings. Later that night, we were taken out for a special dinner at an Indian Restaurant.
Monday started off great and I was ready to learn. We worked on drilling holes in the would panels of the ceiling to eventually hang wire for insulation. After our day was done, we went back to the church, grabbed our shower stuff and headed to a local college where we showered. After our showers, we went over to our supervisors apartment for dinner. Nothing was in the same place as you see.
Tuesday we woke up and started our day. We went down to the "farm" where we moved tons of styrofoam into a van to be transported. This took all day, with multiple trips. Tuesday night, we grabbed pizza and headed out to New York City for the night. Since it was night, it was hard to see stuff, but it was still fun. We ended up walking about three or four miles. I also got to see grand central terminal.
Wednesday, I hit a brick wall. I was fine all day and worked hard moving trash into a dumpster at the "farm" which was really just a plot of land with garbage on it. That day I started getting really tired and that night I ended up having a possible seizure. I didn't tell anyone though since it was the middle of the night, something the doctors don't really know what to think of and I was embarrassed.
Thursday, I hit the ground running on pure exhaustion. By this point, I had already had enough with the living situation. It's really hard to live with people you don't know for a week. That night, I also ended up having another seizure like episode. At that point, I woke up the next morning, my body feeling weak and tired. That night, I called my mom because I was scared, especially having two episodes two nights in a row.
Friday I got up and got ready. Rumor spread quickly about what had happened that night, since I did get help and borrowed someone's cell phone. I took it easy in the morning and then I took a nap in the car while they worked for an hour and a half in the afternoon. My hopes were I wouldn't have another seizure that following night. While in the car, I checked my email and found out I didn't get the job on campus that I had hoped for. That was the icing on the cake.
Later that day, my parents decided they needed to come get me because I needed to recover at home instead of in the dorm as we headed home friday night. I finally got home after sleeping on a cot all week to sleep in my own bed. I woke up this morning, went to breakfast with my parents and have been lazy all day today.
The doors that God had opened for me a couple months ago, were awesome experiences. The tested my limits like I never expected and I learned so much. I learned how important it was to work as a team, how important it was to take care of myself, and that I don't want to live in a city. I saw some of the hardest things I have seen and some of the dirtiest streets I've seen. This week, I was about ready to give up, but I didn't and I pushed through. Now that I look back, I am proud of it! I will always test the limits to learn and to explore. Nothing can hold this girl back.
The spring break trip to New York started off my spring break week on a positive note. I headed to New York with some people I knew and some I didn't. We slept in a church at night and worked for Habitat for Humanity during the day. When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by a crowd of families that we would be helping. The families were having a community dinner while we unpacked our belongings. Later that night, we were taken out for a special dinner at an Indian Restaurant.
Monday started off great and I was ready to learn. We worked on drilling holes in the would panels of the ceiling to eventually hang wire for insulation. After our day was done, we went back to the church, grabbed our shower stuff and headed to a local college where we showered. After our showers, we went over to our supervisors apartment for dinner. Nothing was in the same place as you see.
Tuesday we woke up and started our day. We went down to the "farm" where we moved tons of styrofoam into a van to be transported. This took all day, with multiple trips. Tuesday night, we grabbed pizza and headed out to New York City for the night. Since it was night, it was hard to see stuff, but it was still fun. We ended up walking about three or four miles. I also got to see grand central terminal.
Wednesday, I hit a brick wall. I was fine all day and worked hard moving trash into a dumpster at the "farm" which was really just a plot of land with garbage on it. That day I started getting really tired and that night I ended up having a possible seizure. I didn't tell anyone though since it was the middle of the night, something the doctors don't really know what to think of and I was embarrassed.
Thursday, I hit the ground running on pure exhaustion. By this point, I had already had enough with the living situation. It's really hard to live with people you don't know for a week. That night, I also ended up having another seizure like episode. At that point, I woke up the next morning, my body feeling weak and tired. That night, I called my mom because I was scared, especially having two episodes two nights in a row.
Friday I got up and got ready. Rumor spread quickly about what had happened that night, since I did get help and borrowed someone's cell phone. I took it easy in the morning and then I took a nap in the car while they worked for an hour and a half in the afternoon. My hopes were I wouldn't have another seizure that following night. While in the car, I checked my email and found out I didn't get the job on campus that I had hoped for. That was the icing on the cake.
Later that day, my parents decided they needed to come get me because I needed to recover at home instead of in the dorm as we headed home friday night. I finally got home after sleeping on a cot all week to sleep in my own bed. I woke up this morning, went to breakfast with my parents and have been lazy all day today.
The doors that God had opened for me a couple months ago, were awesome experiences. The tested my limits like I never expected and I learned so much. I learned how important it was to work as a team, how important it was to take care of myself, and that I don't want to live in a city. I saw some of the hardest things I have seen and some of the dirtiest streets I've seen. This week, I was about ready to give up, but I didn't and I pushed through. Now that I look back, I am proud of it! I will always test the limits to learn and to explore. Nothing can hold this girl back.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Anticipation!
I finally got back in to see the Neurologist on Friday. To be honest, I was really nervous. If anyone remembers, the last time I was to a neurologist, I went through a lot of medication changes. This time went a lot better. The doctor discussed his concerns and we discussed ours. We won and everyone is happy.
Long story short, I am still medication free or at least free of medications to control my seizures. We explained what had happened over the past two years and that I haven't even had a seizure in the last ten months (knock on wood). We went through each medication I had been on and the side affects that I had. We explained the seizures and the frequency.
He agreed to keep me off medication since I'm not driving and since I know that I am at a higher risk for having a grand mal seizure without medication. Any one can have a grand mal though, really. He explained to us that I have a small piece of tissue damaged in the brain and to take control of that, we need to "sedate" the whole brain, which in the end causes collateral damage. This basically means that when we are trying to treat one diseased area of brain, were treating tissue that is not diseased which causes me all the extra issues.
I am officially assigned to a neurologist now that I can contact at any time, god forbid an issue arose. I'm to contact him if anything changes and he will see me in a year. I really wanted to fight to stay off medication and I'm happy that everyone is happy. I continue to grow and spread my wings and I thank god for every good day I have. I don't think I could be doing better, except for the sleep insomnia, which is well controlled if I take my medication. My anxiety is under control and has been for a year and a half this week. That is give or take two months of being on Lamictal that messed with my brain. Seizures are under control and my room is neat! God is good, life is good!!! :)
Long story short, I am still medication free or at least free of medications to control my seizures. We explained what had happened over the past two years and that I haven't even had a seizure in the last ten months (knock on wood). We went through each medication I had been on and the side affects that I had. We explained the seizures and the frequency.
He agreed to keep me off medication since I'm not driving and since I know that I am at a higher risk for having a grand mal seizure without medication. Any one can have a grand mal though, really. He explained to us that I have a small piece of tissue damaged in the brain and to take control of that, we need to "sedate" the whole brain, which in the end causes collateral damage. This basically means that when we are trying to treat one diseased area of brain, were treating tissue that is not diseased which causes me all the extra issues.
I am officially assigned to a neurologist now that I can contact at any time, god forbid an issue arose. I'm to contact him if anything changes and he will see me in a year. I really wanted to fight to stay off medication and I'm happy that everyone is happy. I continue to grow and spread my wings and I thank god for every good day I have. I don't think I could be doing better, except for the sleep insomnia, which is well controlled if I take my medication. My anxiety is under control and has been for a year and a half this week. That is give or take two months of being on Lamictal that messed with my brain. Seizures are under control and my room is neat! God is good, life is good!!! :)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Dear Independence...
You have sent my mother and I for quite the ride over the past month. The first semester of college was probably the best experience I could have asked for. I went home for a month and returned to a whole new world, albeit still good. Independence, it's really interesting what you can teach someone in a short time. So here goes!
I came back to school this semester to find you at peace. There weren't really any changes. I think I actually had this whole college thing down. I'm staying on top of my classes really well. I'm turning in assignments and getting good grades. You even let me get a 97% on my first college spanish quiz. That my friend, was awesome!!!
About a month ago you decided to take a turn for the worst? My body was done running off the fuel of excitement from the beginning of the semester and I got real sick. Independence, you just kicked me in the butt. I came down with a wicked sinus infection and an eye infection while my parents were out of town. I got stuck on antibiotics for two weeks and now I am better. I really had to use you though because my parents were out of town and I had to take care of myself. Wow!
My mom and dad came up to visit me last weekend. I broke some news to them that pleased them, but really made them think. Their little girl is really growing up and making some big girl decisions. Their little girl isn't going to be home for spring break because of you. You are making her spread her wings and fly, fly very high. I was eating lunch out with my parents when I through this news on them. My gut though is telling me that I there isn't a better way out there for me to spend my break. I will be serving the lord through Habitat for Humanity in New York with a new group of friends.
Just a couple days ago I had to call my mom and break more news to her that was bad? I don't know if it was bad, but you sure reared your ugly head again. I had to tell my mother that I don't think I will be home for the summer either. I'll probably be working an hour and a half away from her for the summer, where I go to school. Some great opportunities have really come up for me and I am here to follow Gods plan for me. I still have a job offer back home, if this opportunity falls through, but your good old friend time will really tell me what is right.
I just wanted to thank you though for these opportunities for me to grow. Someone needs to stick by my mothers side right now. She is a champ, but she is struggling. Could you maybe take it a little slower on my mother and I after this though. I think we've taken a enough big steps for now.
Simply,
J
I came back to school this semester to find you at peace. There weren't really any changes. I think I actually had this whole college thing down. I'm staying on top of my classes really well. I'm turning in assignments and getting good grades. You even let me get a 97% on my first college spanish quiz. That my friend, was awesome!!!
About a month ago you decided to take a turn for the worst? My body was done running off the fuel of excitement from the beginning of the semester and I got real sick. Independence, you just kicked me in the butt. I came down with a wicked sinus infection and an eye infection while my parents were out of town. I got stuck on antibiotics for two weeks and now I am better. I really had to use you though because my parents were out of town and I had to take care of myself. Wow!
My mom and dad came up to visit me last weekend. I broke some news to them that pleased them, but really made them think. Their little girl is really growing up and making some big girl decisions. Their little girl isn't going to be home for spring break because of you. You are making her spread her wings and fly, fly very high. I was eating lunch out with my parents when I through this news on them. My gut though is telling me that I there isn't a better way out there for me to spend my break. I will be serving the lord through Habitat for Humanity in New York with a new group of friends.
Just a couple days ago I had to call my mom and break more news to her that was bad? I don't know if it was bad, but you sure reared your ugly head again. I had to tell my mother that I don't think I will be home for the summer either. I'll probably be working an hour and a half away from her for the summer, where I go to school. Some great opportunities have really come up for me and I am here to follow Gods plan for me. I still have a job offer back home, if this opportunity falls through, but your good old friend time will really tell me what is right.
I just wanted to thank you though for these opportunities for me to grow. Someone needs to stick by my mothers side right now. She is a champ, but she is struggling. Could you maybe take it a little slower on my mother and I after this though. I think we've taken a enough big steps for now.
Simply,
J
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