Self Conscious

     I have always been someone who has to be exact about everything including the exact developmental age I'm had. For quite sometime, I was under the impression that I was about two years behind due to my Aspergers. I had also been under the impression for a number of years that once I turned 21, that my brain would automatically stop growing and changing, but the more I learn, the more I realize that I am still maturing and my brain is still growing; my brain is just growing at a slower rate than the typical brain. Given this information, I have a feeling I'm heading into another "rough patch" developmentally speaking. Do you remember your years of puberty and the hell you went through? Imagine breaking that up more over time and still going through some of it in your 20's. Currently, I'm going through the phase where everyone is judging everything about me.
     The typical girl fears her hair being messy, her weight being too much, or her face being covered in too much acne. I am currently worried about my weight (I probably need to lose about 60 pounds) and my social skills. I'm at that point where I think that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds stupid or awkward. If anyone has known me for any amount of time, they will realize that I apologize way too much. Well, with this phase I'm going through, it's even more now.
      Some of the multiple "social skill" things I worry about are interrupting, making an order at a restaurant too complicated and hugging people too much. In any case, I've pretty much lost hope on gaining the ability to not interrupt so much. It's easy enough to order food at a restaurant, but then when you want something with out a particular ingredient, or you want something extra, I feel like a complete idiot.
     When I look back at letters from my preschool and kindergarten teachers, they would even write home that I hugged people too much and told everyone about how much Jesus loved them. Ha, I still crack up at that. I am proud of my beliefs, but now that I am older, I'm much more open to everyone else's beliefs. When i hug people it seems to be this huge security for me. Everyone who has autism, has sensory issues, but they very quite a bit. I can't stand loud noises: sirens, yelling, and some music. On the other hand, I sleep with a 16 pound weighted blanket and need a hug when I am upset. In turn, this ends up meaning that I hug my mother, RA, or whoever is helping me through a problem at that particular time. Sometimes when I get excited to see someone, I give them a hug, but I have to learn that not everyone likes hugs.
     As you can see I am becoming so self-conscious about the little things. I'm constantly over analyzing all of my behaviors. I seriously thought I kind of skipped over this phase. :(