There Is A Reason

     Often times individuals who have an Autism Spectrum Disorder will be asked why they do particular things. Sometimes people think its weird and want to know why and sometimes people want to have better insight as to how the individual thinks. Given that I see things from both sides, I tend to over analyze things quite a bit. I mentally document each time I had a meltdown, what caused the meltdown and how far apart the meltdowns have been because I want to learn to prevent them and I want to have them increasingly farther apart. I primarily try to answer why meltdowns happen so that they don't happen in the future. After a few months of doing this I have come up with some conclusions. Most meltdowns have an underlying reason that may be deeper than we sometimes realize.
     First and foremost, each meltdown I have is typically triggered by one thing that is stressing me out. Once I have processed through that one thing, I begin to realize that there are other things underneath the surface that have bubbled to the top. This is when I have learned that it is time to stop talking about the things bothering me and begin to distract myself. If I continue to talk about things, I get into a repetitive circle that then causes more anxiety for me and thus more frustration and more crying. If I distract myself, I am then able to calm down, sleep on things and if need be talk to someone the next day about my frustrations. The meltdowns aren't always caused just by frustration, but sometimes that frustration comes from a subconscious level in which something in my routine has changed and I don't realize it. There have been two recurring examples that I have finally picked up on.
      Transitioning back to my dorm at the end of the day can sometimes be a real struggle. Often times when I come back to my dorm at the end of the day and my RA or my Resident Coordinator aren't there to check-in with, I begin to get irritable. I try to distract myself and unwind, but sometimes it is difficult. I always chalked this irritability up to the fact that coming back after a day of classes and settling into the evening was a big change, but it is so much deeper than that.
      I never viewed my mother as a stay at home mother because she has always worked. My mother has had her own business for almost 20 years and she is very proud of it as well she should be. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you view it, she has worked out of our home for most of my life. This has always been extremely convenient when my brother or I have been sick and it was also convenient when my brother and I would get off the bus at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Each day, when we got off the bus, my mother was there to greet us. A typical afternoon would entail getting off the bus, throwing our backpacks in the foyer, going to the bathroom and heading for the basement to check in with our mother. This happened for 10+ years and has since become an engraved habit that I subconsciously still follow today. Unfortunately it's hard to do at the dorm.
     I have recently realized that my need to check in with my RA or my Resident Coordinator at the end of the day has been my brains natural way of adjusting to a norm that is no longer a part of my life. I would greet my mother at the end of the day for many years. Now that I'm in college, I don't have a mom to go home to, tell about my day, and give a big to. Today I enthusiastically come back to my dorm and hope that I have someone to look up to and talk about my day to. This has naturally fallen on my Residence Life staff. When I am unable to do this, this leads to irritability because it is changing something that I have known since I was in 1st grade.
     Friendships and planning events have also been extremely difficult for me this year. For quite some time, my RA and I would think that I was upset because people weren't able to schedule things. We figured it was because I like having a set schedule and a routine. I would always tell ask people if we could do something at a particular time and the answer was typically, "I don't know what I'm doing yet". This would often times upset me because I thought people made plans. Unfortunately unwritten rules of society change.
     Growing up, I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends. I always wondered why people couldn't hang out. My therapists and my parents would always tell me it was because I had plan things a couple of days in advance. I always had difficulty with this. When I was able to plan "playdates" in advance, my mother would typically ask me exactly what I was going to do when I had friends over. I learned to plan things because I had trouble picking up on how to entertain my friends. I liked having my friends over, but often times my brother would have to entertain them. Today when I want to hang out with someone I feel like I need to plan something and plan exactly what I want to do.
     Now that I am in college, things have changed. I meet with my RA/friend every other week to spend some quality time with her. I alway ask her what she thinks we should do a couple days in advance because I have been taught to plan. This past week she informed me that she wasn't going to put the time and energy in to planning something. I was taken aback by this, but realized after a discussion with her that it wasn't that she didn't care, but that it really doesn't have to be an event like I was taught. Simply having her door open and me having access to her and knowing she was there to "chill" was what she was thinking. For example, this would be a good time to do our own things, maybe chill in the same room, listen to music and talk on and off as we pleased. As a child, you have play dates, as an adult you relax or partake in leisure activities. Once again, this is an unwritten rule that changes.
     Often times I will get into deep conversations with people who I trust because friends share how they really feel and share there deepest darkest secrets. Interestingly enough I am realizing that isn't exactly how best friends work. Typically as soon as I trust someone, I dump all my personal life stories on them. I'll constantly ask how they are, if they are okay or what is wrong. I thought that is what defined a friend, someone who you could share your true feelings with. What I am learning is that this is not the case. Friends are people who you share a sense of humor with, you converse with in short simple give and take chatting. Yes, friends do share stuff, but it isn't as much of a word vomit as I like to think it is. Give and take, take a long time to develop the friendship. It's not something that you share your life story and your friends. There is more to life than struggles, it's about the goofy stuff we do, the quality time, and the memories that are made!