The christmas I just described is probably a typical christmas for many families, but ours is a little different because I have aspergers. Yes, my brother wakes me up in the morning. We grab the camera and we look over the railing. Every thing is normal to that point, but then the seen changes the second we get down the stairs. He becomes expressive and I become monotonic. I have said in the past that I have more expression than the typical apsie, but unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of expression when it comes to getting gifts. In my heart I love them, but on the outside it may look like that is not the case. My brother will jump up and down as I sit there and say thank you. Thats how dull I am on christmas morning. I don't notice it when I am in the moment, but when I look at videos I can see it and is saddens me. I am happy but sometimes I don't show it.
This year will be a little different; my grandmother will be with us this year. Its not a problem having my grandmother around, but this will be the first year that she will see me open presents from "santa claus." I don't know how she will react when she sees me open my presents with lack of expression. Will she think that I don't care? I hope that's not the case. Yeah, she sees me open presents from her every year, but thats only a few. This year she will see me open the real presents. She helped santa this year.
My grandmother shouldn't bother me, but it does. I love her and she loves me, but when it comes to my autism, she has no idea what we are talking about. Yes, she knows that I have some "learning disabilities" and that they affect my social skills, but thats it. She doesn't understand why I don't care more about my appearance and my room. Every once in a while my mom will tell me how she doesn't understand something about me. How am I supposed to react? I am who I am. How do I explain to her that my autism affects my ability to express my happiness for gifts? What happens if she asks my mom this? This wouldn't bother me if I hadn't seen that video from when I was younger, but it does now.
I think I need to go into this thinking that my grandmother loves me. She has the best intentions and she doesn't understand autism. Most families talk about the fact that relatives don't understand why your child is throwing a meltdown due to sensory overstimulation at a holiday dinner. I need to think about myself and my family as fortunate in these circumstances. If my grandmothers only concern is that I am not happy, that is something very little. I have the capability to live on my own. I shouldn't be concerned about what she thinks!!! :)
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