Christmas brings tons of anxiety for me and sometimes some unhappy and irrational thoughts. Let me begin by explaining these thoughts before I talk too much about tinkerbell. lol.
My family is really big on taking trips. We like to go different places, but most often we go to disney and we go on cruises. We can't get a balcony due to my own sanity. I am so scared of the ocean and my self-control that I am scared I will impulsively jump overboard. Sometimes if I have something sharp, I get scared i'll hurt something. I already have the thought consistently circling through my head that I am never going to take a sip of alcohol for fear of becoming an alcoholic. These fears are completely irrational and they come a lot over the holidays. It really doesn't help that I had a dream that I was going to go down hill again the other day. I had a dream that I had a massive tantrum and that mom's dessert got smashed and thrown across the kitchen. I know you all think thats funny but when you see this stuff really transpire, its scary. Before I was getting help, I had kicked a whole in the wall. I hope my conscience isn't telling me something.
On christmas day, I opened all my christmas presents and was pretty happy. I got some really cool scrapbooking stuff and a lot of really nice clothes. There was also a pair of pajamas that I got for christmas that had tinkerbell on them, but they were olive green and I was not happy. I also got a wii game that wasn't active and so I wasn't happy about that either.
The next day, I had off work and my mom and grandma wanted to go return stuff. My irrational fears kicked in. I felt like I was unhappy about some stuff I got and I was afraid that they would be upset. I went on and got so over worked about that and thought that I was going to have a tantrum and just give all my stuff back. I just was not in the christmas spirit. I don't have any snow after all. Really??? Is my brain trying to tell me I am about to have a big tantrum??? I am getting scared now.
I honestly was afraid I was going to explode and say I don't want any of this and that it is all stupid which isn't the case. I don't want to knit pick and make people uncomfortable either. The tinkerbell pajamas were something that I really didn't want and I let my mom know that but she really liked them. I kept quiet for a minute thinking about whether I should make her happy or tell the honest truth. I told her the truth that I really didn't want them and then she was okay. She didn't get upset.
I depend on rules in like. My life depends on rules. How much clearer could I say that??? The rule si that you don't express negative feeling towards a gift. Everyone else was expressing that they wanted to return something. I then felt obligated to return something and make myself happier. I don't know maybe as an adult you decide on stuff more and I thought I should decide on more. I picked something I really din't want and it was something I was unhappy with. I didn't pick it just to pick it. I promise, but I sill don't know how am I supposed to react. I was always told that I accept the gift I get with no complaining, but I guess you do what is appropriate at the time. I need some rule written in my life that states when you can complain and when you can't. I guess the pajamas are okay, but heck that puzzle my grandma got me a couple of years ago that I already have a copy of, we'll keep that a secret.
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