Fishing for compliments has always been a weakness for me!!! I am one of those individuals makes something and then asks someone else how I did. I do it all the time. I am constantly going fishing for those compliments, but I feel that those compliments have also hurt me in some way.s Yeah, you make be thinking they hurt me because I rely on others to reward me for my efforts, but thats actually not the problem in this situation.
The other day something bad happened to me. We all half rough days and some days are rougher than others. I came home and talked to my parents about what had happened. My parents are huge supporters for me. They were shocked what had happened and felt so bad for me, but also let me know later that everything was okay. I had gone fishing and I had caught a fish. I won!!!
Yes, I do rely on my parents for support. I don't try to trick them into doing things, but that natural fishing tendency for compliments for sympathy is always there. When something happens I tell them about it whether it is really good or really bad, but this time it was something bad. When its something good everything goes okay, but when its something bad, not the so much.
When this bad thing happened the other day, I kind of just laughed it off. I have gotten kind of good at laughing my stress off in certain situations. This situation I kind of just laughed it off, but I made sure I let my parents know what happened. I originally told my mom who then told my dad. He was shocked then.
Great!!! I've caught two fish now who are on my team, so now I can throw my self that wonderful pity party and start fixating. Now I can really make myself feel crappy after something had happened that I had actually brushed off. If I have two people who are on my side, my parents for instance, I am ready to latch on and take everything for a ride. They all gave me and inch, but I took a mile and decided to sob and continue to ask questions and say how horrible this event was, but the fact is that its not going to ruin my life and sometimes I need to shut up and get on with life.
If my parents weren't huge supporters, I probably would have rubbed it off. The fact is that they are huge supporters so I didn't. Its extremely important for me to have good parents as it is for anybody else, but there comes a time where I guess they need to take the bite and go to let me handle my situations on my own. I need to take space and time to heal on my own as this makes things heal much faster. When I have tantrums, I heal faster when no one is talking to me. its the same thing. I get into a big fight when I am upset and when someone is shocked, I make a mountain out of something that is really just a mole hill.
On the other hand, I really need to work on the compliment fishing. I can't always have people please with me. Yes, I may work hard, but I am an adult and I should be able to soothe and congratulate myself. I shouldn't need to show people a picture I colored and have them tell me how well I did. Not even a puzzle for that matter!!! I am an adult and its about time I act like one.
Dickinson Mental Health Charity Ball
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
God knows how to CELEBRATE!!!
Today we were supposed to go to surprise 50th birthday party, but those plans to a little messed up. Now don't get me wrong, we did go to the party, but it wasn't as we had planned. I being the weather freak in my family, had to be obsessing over oncoming storms all day. The party started at 4 and it looked like the rain was going to start right at 4!!! Well we ended up getting to the party at 5 and the rain followed us there.
We finally arrived at the party with the rain. Everyone was begging for food and ready to get the party started. One individual decided to quiet us down and we all bowed our heads and prayed for our blessing of food and the weather we had considering it could be worse. Then it was time to get food.
The skies were light and the air was breezy. The rain had stopped for a little bit, but as soon as we managed to form a line the clouds came over the mountains and into the valley. I am pretty sure I have never seen a storm like this. One second it was bright and sunny and the next it was literally as dark as night fall with rain. We all wondered where the thunder and lightning was. Then it came. Now let me remind you this was a 50th birthday party.
As we waited in line, I saw the sky darkening, the trees blowing and I felt the rain brewing. If you read my last blog post you would know that I absolutely hate little rain drops landing on my arm. Think about it this way. Every time a drop of rain falls on my arm, it feels as though I was just startled by something like when you hear a loud noise or something big happens in a movie. That jump out of your seat moment. Thats what every drop is like for me.
If you knew me when I was young, you would know that I was scared to death of thunderstorms. This had to do with sensory issues as a child. When I was in 9th grade I was finally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which now that I look back, I developed between 5th and 6th grade. When I was in middle school and high school my knowledge of thunderstorms and tornadoes grew which made me even more scared. I eventually got over this fear in probably 10th grade, but I still can't be outside when one is happening.
This spring my anxiety continued to rise again after being under control for a while. I am now scared of thunderstorms more so than I have been over the past few years. No worse than when I was little, but right up there. While waiting in line I had one of those outbursts. God sure knows how to rock the party!!! He celebrated a YOUNG mans birthday by replenishing the earth in an unforgettable way, but man that was not fun.
Before we had left for this party and this thunderstorm/party that god was throwing, I had asked my dad how they were going to keep the tent safe with the wind since I had my eye on the storm. His response: J that isn't going to happen and the wind won't be that bad. Well, I proved him wrong. The girls stood in line and about 50 men must have been standing on the one side of the tent literally holding the darn thing up. That was quite the sight to see.
Since I am already scared of thunderstorms, being outside with the rain, thunder and tent was no joke. This is when I lost it and had a sensory meltdown. The cold wind against my body, the rain drops hitting at any giving time and the tent falling sent me into a sensory meltdown. I was overwhelmed by the idea of a storm, the sensory issues, and the fear of the tent flying across the yard and hurting someone as well as getting struck by a darn lightning bolt and everyone is trying to tell me to calm down??? Hello!!!
In the midst of all of this, the men holding the tent started bursting out in song, singing Happy Birthday. This was quite the seen. We ate our food, dad was drenched and so therefore we went home. Oh no thats not it. Not only did we go home, but we went home to change just to go back out to get a piece of cake!!! Yes, a darn piece of cake. I on the other hand decided to stay home and curl up under my WEIGHTED blanket and listen as the thunderstorms rolled by my nice cozy and SAFE house while they went out to EAT CAKE. I decided to stay home because of the thunder. They said they would bring me back a piece, but you know you can't always have your cake and eat it too. Therefore, I chose to stay home and not eat my cake. I got the coziness of home, but no cake.
I just can't imagine ten years from now looking back on this party!!! God definitely knows how to celebrate with storms replenishing this earth!!! :)
We finally arrived at the party with the rain. Everyone was begging for food and ready to get the party started. One individual decided to quiet us down and we all bowed our heads and prayed for our blessing of food and the weather we had considering it could be worse. Then it was time to get food.
The skies were light and the air was breezy. The rain had stopped for a little bit, but as soon as we managed to form a line the clouds came over the mountains and into the valley. I am pretty sure I have never seen a storm like this. One second it was bright and sunny and the next it was literally as dark as night fall with rain. We all wondered where the thunder and lightning was. Then it came. Now let me remind you this was a 50th birthday party.
As we waited in line, I saw the sky darkening, the trees blowing and I felt the rain brewing. If you read my last blog post you would know that I absolutely hate little rain drops landing on my arm. Think about it this way. Every time a drop of rain falls on my arm, it feels as though I was just startled by something like when you hear a loud noise or something big happens in a movie. That jump out of your seat moment. Thats what every drop is like for me.
If you knew me when I was young, you would know that I was scared to death of thunderstorms. This had to do with sensory issues as a child. When I was in 9th grade I was finally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which now that I look back, I developed between 5th and 6th grade. When I was in middle school and high school my knowledge of thunderstorms and tornadoes grew which made me even more scared. I eventually got over this fear in probably 10th grade, but I still can't be outside when one is happening.
This spring my anxiety continued to rise again after being under control for a while. I am now scared of thunderstorms more so than I have been over the past few years. No worse than when I was little, but right up there. While waiting in line I had one of those outbursts. God sure knows how to rock the party!!! He celebrated a YOUNG mans birthday by replenishing the earth in an unforgettable way, but man that was not fun.
Before we had left for this party and this thunderstorm/party that god was throwing, I had asked my dad how they were going to keep the tent safe with the wind since I had my eye on the storm. His response: J that isn't going to happen and the wind won't be that bad. Well, I proved him wrong. The girls stood in line and about 50 men must have been standing on the one side of the tent literally holding the darn thing up. That was quite the sight to see.
Since I am already scared of thunderstorms, being outside with the rain, thunder and tent was no joke. This is when I lost it and had a sensory meltdown. The cold wind against my body, the rain drops hitting at any giving time and the tent falling sent me into a sensory meltdown. I was overwhelmed by the idea of a storm, the sensory issues, and the fear of the tent flying across the yard and hurting someone as well as getting struck by a darn lightning bolt and everyone is trying to tell me to calm down??? Hello!!!
In the midst of all of this, the men holding the tent started bursting out in song, singing Happy Birthday. This was quite the seen. We ate our food, dad was drenched and so therefore we went home. Oh no thats not it. Not only did we go home, but we went home to change just to go back out to get a piece of cake!!! Yes, a darn piece of cake. I on the other hand decided to stay home and curl up under my WEIGHTED blanket and listen as the thunderstorms rolled by my nice cozy and SAFE house while they went out to EAT CAKE. I decided to stay home because of the thunder. They said they would bring me back a piece, but you know you can't always have your cake and eat it too. Therefore, I chose to stay home and not eat my cake. I got the coziness of home, but no cake.
I just can't imagine ten years from now looking back on this party!!! God definitely knows how to celebrate with storms replenishing this earth!!! :)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Hygiene and High Heels
It's summer time and I am ready to try a new pair of shoes. I know I said back in the fall that I was wearing sneakers. Well, that didn't work out so well, but i did where them sometimes. Now I am serious though. I have decided to forget about the comfort and think about the look. I am wearing sandals, flip-flops and high-heels. Anything that will look nice.
As I said before I have officially graduated from High School. The one thing that they did note was that I have grown and changed in many different ways, but one way that I haven't changed is my hygiene and appearance. The CROCS, they were a small part about appearance.
Ever since I was little, it has taken me longer than normal to learn how to do things that typical kids my age do. My mom would have to remind me to do stuff that the typical kid automatically knew to do. I feel that I can partly blame this on routine and changing my routine. I would simply forget because my routine was deeply engraved into my head for so many years.
Over my tween years I had to learn to remember to put a bra on and put deodorant on everyday. I had to remember to shave once in a while. These things didn't come easy to me as I had several years of the same routine behind me. Then came the cleaning up part. I had the hardest time learning to wash my face every morning and evening. That was harder than all of the other stuff learned combined. I never knew why it took me so long to learn this until maybe high school. I have some mild, key word MILD tactile sensory issues. Yes, I have stated before that I love pressure and seek it, but I avoided anything cold or wet on my face, and I absolutely hate the rain drops hitting my arms.
I never had a real idea about what it meant to be beautiful or to have a good appearance. I have grown up in a world where I am simply J. I have always been taught to accept my self for who I am and that god had put me here for a purpose. Sometimes that can translate in a negative way though. My face for example, should be washed everyday!!! Is it washed everyday? No. I can't stand the feeling of the water, and if god gave me pimples, so be it!!! Thats the way he made me.
Now that being said, I understand that I still need to keep up my appearances a little bit. I do everything else I need to for hygiene, but I just can't get a grip of washing my face. I try to smell pretty and I TRY to keep my hair looking nice, but the face is different.
I also want to say along with these goals that I have accomplished and am still working on I have have discovered high heels and dress. Oh boy!!! For those of you that know me, you know that I am croc addict, but its been 80 degrees or so for a while and I haven't ordered or purchased one pair of summer crocs. I have bought three pairs of sandals and my mother is going to be ordering a nice pair of everyday sandals from Teva shortly.
Overall I do like to feel good about myself. I do want to appear well and I do want to have someone attracted to me at some point. Oh no was that TMI? lol To be perfectly honest I haven't had a boyfriend yet!!! Its driving me insane. I am old and I am old enough that I probably should have been dating for a while now, but I guess its just life.
As far as makeup goes, FORGET IT!!! Maybe I need to wash my face and wear makeup on occasion. Makeup everyday??? Are you kidding me? God didn't give us the face we have to mask it and this belief I am sticking with.
As I said before I have officially graduated from High School. The one thing that they did note was that I have grown and changed in many different ways, but one way that I haven't changed is my hygiene and appearance. The CROCS, they were a small part about appearance.
Ever since I was little, it has taken me longer than normal to learn how to do things that typical kids my age do. My mom would have to remind me to do stuff that the typical kid automatically knew to do. I feel that I can partly blame this on routine and changing my routine. I would simply forget because my routine was deeply engraved into my head for so many years.
Over my tween years I had to learn to remember to put a bra on and put deodorant on everyday. I had to remember to shave once in a while. These things didn't come easy to me as I had several years of the same routine behind me. Then came the cleaning up part. I had the hardest time learning to wash my face every morning and evening. That was harder than all of the other stuff learned combined. I never knew why it took me so long to learn this until maybe high school. I have some mild, key word MILD tactile sensory issues. Yes, I have stated before that I love pressure and seek it, but I avoided anything cold or wet on my face, and I absolutely hate the rain drops hitting my arms.
I never had a real idea about what it meant to be beautiful or to have a good appearance. I have grown up in a world where I am simply J. I have always been taught to accept my self for who I am and that god had put me here for a purpose. Sometimes that can translate in a negative way though. My face for example, should be washed everyday!!! Is it washed everyday? No. I can't stand the feeling of the water, and if god gave me pimples, so be it!!! Thats the way he made me.
Now that being said, I understand that I still need to keep up my appearances a little bit. I do everything else I need to for hygiene, but I just can't get a grip of washing my face. I try to smell pretty and I TRY to keep my hair looking nice, but the face is different.
I also want to say along with these goals that I have accomplished and am still working on I have have discovered high heels and dress. Oh boy!!! For those of you that know me, you know that I am croc addict, but its been 80 degrees or so for a while and I haven't ordered or purchased one pair of summer crocs. I have bought three pairs of sandals and my mother is going to be ordering a nice pair of everyday sandals from Teva shortly.
Overall I do like to feel good about myself. I do want to appear well and I do want to have someone attracted to me at some point. Oh no was that TMI? lol To be perfectly honest I haven't had a boyfriend yet!!! Its driving me insane. I am old and I am old enough that I probably should have been dating for a while now, but I guess its just life.
As far as makeup goes, FORGET IT!!! Maybe I need to wash my face and wear makeup on occasion. Makeup everyday??? Are you kidding me? God didn't give us the face we have to mask it and this belief I am sticking with.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tears of Joy
Last week I had my graduation which went fabulous. Each individual who graduated this year had the opportunity to create a graduation speech. This was a time to reflect on where you have grown and thank the people that have helped you through your high school years. This was also a time unbeknownst to me, where a teacher, mentor, job coach or boss got to say a little bit about you and how you have changed.
As I was sitting in line on stage as they had a row of seats for the graduates, I was thinking to myself who could possibly be my speaker. I had no idea. I was called up to give my speech and the individual who gave a speech about me was the learning support teacher I had for my last two years of high school. I was so happy.
She walked up to the podium and started her awesome speech. Okay I said, I got this!!! I never cry. Well, I cried. Let me tell you I actually shed a few tears of happiness because I was able to see how much someone really cares about your accomplishments. Sure, I have great parents and great people in my life. People tell me how proud they are of me all the time, but that speech that said everything good about me blew me away.
If you know me, I never get teary eyed. Well thats not exactly true with all the tantrums I have thrown in life. I do admit I am a very sensitive person, but that is only when something doesn't go my way such as ordering the right pizza. :) mom!!! I don't get upset about big stuff though.
If I were to go to a funeral, chances are I wouldn't cry. I mean don't get me wrong, I care, but I just don't get emotional. Another example would be that in which everyone important to me cried when I went off with my prom date in my senior year. I just don't get upset like that.
On the other hand this has changed over the past year or two. I remember going to camp for my last time last year. I was given a gift that had a phrase said by Walt Disney on it. It made my heart melt. I was washed away with tears. This once again, happened during my graduation where I cried over the kind words everyone said about me.
Sometimes I feel like a fool because I don't give the proper emotions for a particular situation. Like I said people probably think I am crazy when I don't cry over someone dying. Let me just clarify, I do have empathy, but it is shown in a different way than in the typical person.
As I was sitting in line on stage as they had a row of seats for the graduates, I was thinking to myself who could possibly be my speaker. I had no idea. I was called up to give my speech and the individual who gave a speech about me was the learning support teacher I had for my last two years of high school. I was so happy.
She walked up to the podium and started her awesome speech. Okay I said, I got this!!! I never cry. Well, I cried. Let me tell you I actually shed a few tears of happiness because I was able to see how much someone really cares about your accomplishments. Sure, I have great parents and great people in my life. People tell me how proud they are of me all the time, but that speech that said everything good about me blew me away.
If you know me, I never get teary eyed. Well thats not exactly true with all the tantrums I have thrown in life. I do admit I am a very sensitive person, but that is only when something doesn't go my way such as ordering the right pizza. :) mom!!! I don't get upset about big stuff though.
If I were to go to a funeral, chances are I wouldn't cry. I mean don't get me wrong, I care, but I just don't get emotional. Another example would be that in which everyone important to me cried when I went off with my prom date in my senior year. I just don't get upset like that.
On the other hand this has changed over the past year or two. I remember going to camp for my last time last year. I was given a gift that had a phrase said by Walt Disney on it. It made my heart melt. I was washed away with tears. This once again, happened during my graduation where I cried over the kind words everyone said about me.
Sometimes I feel like a fool because I don't give the proper emotions for a particular situation. Like I said people probably think I am crazy when I don't cry over someone dying. Let me just clarify, I do have empathy, but it is shown in a different way than in the typical person.
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