Hiding

     During my college years and prior to the events of October 2018, I was the life of the party. That is as much as an awkward aspie who desperately wants friends can be. I definitely wasn't the one with the most friends or the one to go out to parties or out to drink on Friday and Saturday nights. I did do my fair share of socializing though. I was the one who went to practically every event I could while I was on campus. I even went to events that involved dogs even though I didn't care for them. I went not for the dogs, but for the people.

     In my Freshman Seminar class we talked a lot about personalities, working with others, and even took the Meyer's Briggs Personality Assessment (I'm an ESFJ if you didn't know that already). I was an extrovert through and through. I occasionally wanted alone time, but for the most part, I had to be around other people. Other people kept me energized. When there was an event in our resident halls, I was there and probably the loudest one there because I fed off of everyone else's energy Things have changed since then. 

        In October things changed a lot and while I'm better, things still aren't the same. I know I stated this before, but as I "recover" more, I'm able to take the pieces apart and realize what is wrong and what is still okay. One of the biggest things that have is my personality and my extrovert side and thats kind of hard. 

       At this point in my recovery, my anxiety is still high, but manageable. When I am around other people my anxiety increases. This never used to happen. I never viewed myself as someone with social anxiety. While I've always worried about everything that I say and do, that was a learned behavior that I gained during a very particular rough patch in my life. These days I just feel like hiding. 

     I crave having relationships with others, but I have no idea what to do. There are times when I so badly want to hang out with someone so I try and plan something. As the time comes nearer, I begin to feel more and more anxious. I just planned to hangout with a friend tonight and then became anxious when it was time to spend time with her. I make soap every Sunday and while I truly enjoy making soap, somedays I just don't want to have other demands put on me or have to interact with others. Heck sometimes, I just don't want to get out of my dog on pajama's. Then there are group interactions.

     During extracurricular activities or activities besides my work, I can't last much more than 2 hours before I want to go and hide. I go out and do soap with my friends on Sundays, but after 2 hours I'm completely done and ready to go home, but I don't mind going out to a part and having alone time either.

      During organized conversations and hanging out with multiple people, I become very anxious. I begin to just want to hide my head in my phone and play Pokemon. I get anxious because I don't know what to talk about. I feel as though I constantly talk about myself and all the medical shit I deal with and sometimes its hard for me to talk about anything else. Then the schedules get thrown in there. When you have several people your interacting, you never know what the hell is going to happen next. 

      Several years ago we sold the house where we were able to see the local fireworks from our back porch. Since we have moved, we have been unable to develop any sort of tradition. That being said, we spent 4th of July with friends at a campground about 45 minutes from home. There were probably 10 or 15 of us and only a couple hours to fit things in. I swear that we spent more time talking about who was doing what than actually getting stuff done. There was no schedule, no routine and absolutely nothing to keep my mind sane. It was also way too hot out which meant that a lot of time was spent in the pool. Then I didn't feel like being wet anymore so then I was hot again. After a quick snack, we went river tubing. I know, it sounds like so much fun, but it was the slowest tubing trip I've ever been on. I swear there were moments when we weren't actually moving. 

      I don't mean to complain. There are great things that I am doing, but when you have anxiety and social anxiety, it's extremely hard to focus on the positive when you feel like your in hell. Then I get on Facebook tonight and everyone is having babies, wedding showers, and weddings. I've been invited to absolutely nothing so far and I feel defeated. Okay, I said it! I feel defeated and it feels like know matter what I do, I can't win. When I socialize I want to hide and when I hide, I want to socialize. I never seem to be happy and comfortable anymore.