Psychologists

     Psychologists are absolutely pointless, that is in my opinion. I have seen them my whole life and only ONE has done me any good. I'm pretty sure I can't even county how many psychologists i've seen. Some of them I remember and some of them i don't. I have had at least three neuropsychological exams and another intake from psychologist, just to try and get a diagnosis. Don't even mind how they act.  YET!!!

     Within the first 24 hours of my life I had already stopped breathing four times. I was life flighted to a hospital that could give me better care after that. I spent the first week of my life in the NICU. where they performed various tests and sent me home with my brand new parents, on an apnea monitor.

     Years later, I started having "episodes" that were later classified as seizures. When I had diagnostic testing done for the seizures, they noticed that my right hippocampus was abnormally small, whether that was due to a brain injury or a genetic glitch we may never know.What ever the case was it continued to give me problems up until this point.

     When I was in preschool/kindergarten my teachers started noticing differences in my psychosocial development compared to my peers. I would often times play by myself, due puzzles and give too many hugs. I do remember liking puzzles, but I don't remember preferring to be by myself. My parents got concerned and I ended up seeing a psychologist in my area who will go by the name Dr. T.

      I personally loved Dr. T. I don't really know what all he did for me, but I distinctly remember him having a HUGE bag of hospital doll stuff, which I now know as playmobil. He kept these doll toys which you could pretend were hurt or needed a wheelchair in his tiny walk-in closet. When he needed to talk to my parents he would put me in the closet to play with the playmobil, which I absolutely loved. Then one day when I went to see him, it was no longer there. I have no idea where it ever went, but I do know it disappeared.
  
     Another time when I met with Dr. T, he put me in the closet to play again, so he could talk to my parents When he brought me back into his office, he had my parents leave the room. He then put a smiley face on the board and he put a frowny face on the board and asked me what they were. Now that I look back, I think he may have been looking to see if I had autism. I don't remember much more about him, but I do remember my parents didn't like him much. I think it may have been that he wasn't much help.

     I went a while without seeing someone. Then in third grade, I went to see a guy downtown. I don't know what this guys name was, but at the time I was told that I was seeing him because I fought with my brother too much. Today I look at myself and think Really?? I am not sure how I could have been so gullible or understanding of something as simple as that. My parents would take me out of school to see this guy and we would talk. It was a really emotional time for me, because the only thing I remember him telling us at every appointment was that we needed to tape record how loud and awful I was during the fights so that i could actually hear and see what I was doing. It was really hard to hear such harsh criticism at that age. These sessions were always followed by a few minutes in a playroom with the doctor. I'm not sure why it was with just him. I also remember playing with a bobo doll, which I also find absolutely hilarious, since it was in a psychologist office. If you don''t know why, look up bandura.

     A few more years went past and I was diagnosed with nonverbal learning disability which to this day, I still get questioned about it because I am so verbal. Yeah this condition doesn't mean that you aren't verbal. That diagnosis stuck for quite some time. It was pretty much a catch all label for doctors to use so I could get some support services at least through elementary school. it was also a term they used so they didn't have to say they didn't know. Then came middle school.

     In middle school I was put in an itinerit support classroom where I received very little help and was starting to suffer. I was getting A's and B's and I wasn't meeting standards. We didn't really understand it, but now we know that the teachers were actually grading me differently than the rest of the students because I had a "disability". i finally ended up switching schools to a local charter school where I could get more help.

     The local charter school that I went to, noticed that something was wrong and they thought I might have aspergers syndrome. They had a psychologist come in to talk to the guys and then to talk to the girls in a four-week session and I can't remember what it was about, but I do remember that instead of calling her Dr. Skinner they called her Darth Skinner because they didn't like her. The school ended up referring me to her.

     I had never heard of aspergers before, but knew I was being tested for it. I looked it up and did a bunch of research on it and realized that it as a lot like me. When she tested me, she came to the conclusion that I didn't have it, but I had symptoms of it. The reason she didn't give me the diagnosis, was because I had a 'brain injury'. Today I know so many kids who have a brain injury and are diagnosed with autism. We went to see her for a while, but we didn't really like her that much so we stopped going. We really didn't see any point in it. I think she had good ideas, but just wasn't the right idea for us. She didn't get the family dynamic aspect.

     We then waited a couple more years, until my family doctor finally told us that we needed to see a psychiatrist because they could give us talk therapy and if need be, medication. A psychiatrist finds something to give you medication for and doesn't give talk therapy at all. The psychiatrist I saw, was actually decent and I think he has helped me a lot with my anxiety. At my first appointment he mentioned to us a doctor by the name of Dr. Melissa Hunter, which is awesome. He told us that she did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy, but didn't know if that would help because I had the brain injury. I had a med check up the next week and he mentioned her again except this time I met her.

     After my appointment he,  took us down the hall, knocked on her office door and we went in to meet with her. It wasn't an appointment, but we went in and said hi and talked for a couple minutes to see if she was an option. By the end, we had an official appointment set up to do an intake and start therapy. From the moment I stepped in her door, I know she was the right one. I remember her talking to us about my routines and schedules. I was thinking in my head about the fact that I don't have aspergers, so don't automatically assume stuff, but I did like that she understood what she was talking about and what she specialized in. I just had this feeling that if she didn't get me then, she would very soon after. I have never had that feeling with anyone else.

     During my first intake appointment, I had to sign releases since I was a teenager, but my parents had to sign stuff too. We talked about confidentiality and we talked about my history. At that time, I had just  had a huge melt down that included kicking a whole in a wall; a first for me. That evening, following the meltdown, I spent time with my friends at youth group. We had a small group discussion where I needed to take a break and take a walk. Something just wasn't right. I came back and from what I understand, I needed help. I ended up getting in my dads car and asking him what I was doing and where I was going. That was the first episode I had that we now call seizures. We had discussed these with Melissa at this appointment.

     Somewhere in the middle of the appointment, I ended up having one of these attacks. I am not entirely sure why, but I did. I had walked out into the hallway, where I sat down because I was "hot". My horseback riding instructor sat across from me, because one of her children just so happened to have therapy at the same facility. I took some deep breaths, got up and went to a set of two doors while I was still in a daze. I looked at both doors as my teacher sat behind me, telling me which door to go into. I tried opening the door to no avail, when I decided to know and Melissa let me in. I sat there, with my head down, Melissa in front of me, and my parents on either side of me. I just kept saying I don't know whats wrong, but something is wrong. Later Melissa told me it was an anxiety attack. My father eventually took me outside for a walk and brought me back inside. We sat and talked about my history and goals as Melissa let me play on the computer to distract me. That was the beginning of my amazing journey with her.

     Further into the year, we began adding new things to my therapeutic environment. I started using an emotions journal for when I was really upset. I would go to my learning support room or my bedroom, where I could just cry and let my emotions out without getting too upset. Along with using a journal, Melissa taught me how to deep breathe to calm myself down better, in situations where I couldn't use my previously learned strategies. Melissa ended up contacting my learning support teacher at that time, to let her know what we were working on and to help me transfer that to the classroom. I had a bucket in my learning support classroom, kind of like the cubbies you have in preschool. I would keep my journal in there. That was just the beginning of my experiences to come with Melissa.

      I'm pretty sure I was the first patient of hers since she was new. Once she started gaining more clients, she started a social skill group. I was the only girl and I was the oldest child in the group. She let me know that this was the case, but I wanted to give it a chance. This was the first of two groups she held that I had taken part in. This was the first time I had actually started practicing less interrupting with a behavioral/social skills training approach. We learned that interrupting isn't good, but you can using it in emergencies. We got rewards throughout the weeks and we had a pizza party an wii playing day. At the very end, we were able to go to a park and play with each other, ending with awards and social skill bingo. I do have to say, I think I tested my limits there because Melissa had to put strict limits on where we were allowed to go; the playground, was my school's playground and I wasn't a flight risk.

     In the second social skill group, it was mostly girls and we were all with in a particular age bracket, which helped tremendously. We worked on vital skills that pertained to our specific needs and our transition to adulthood. One of the most important skills I learned from this group was point of view. I learned about empathy and what it meant to be concerned for others and not so self-centered. I think this was the most crucial lesson I have ever learned. We continued working on interruption and I am still working on interrupting to this day.

     I continued in therapy with Melissa up through some point in eleventh grade I think. Melissa was just thinking about starting up a teen group or a young adult group that would start the in november. I had seen her on a Wednesday and she told me that the group was cancelled because there were too many schedule conflicts. That friday, my mom and I were standing in the grocery store when my mother told me that I had a doc appointment with melissa on Saturday. I was a bit shocked; I asked her why. She told me she didn't know, but I knew something was going on. This never happened. I started coming up with solutions to the problem. My best conclusion was that melissa was moving, my worst fear. I asked my mom, where she continued to say she didn't know.

     That saturday, when I arrived at the doctor's office, I didn't have to check in, which was odd. I came upstairs and walked into Melissa's personal office, with gloom on my face. She told me not to worry, but I knew it was the end. The whole appointment was purely to let me know that she was taking a new job that was an hour and a half away. She wanted this appointment to happen because she didn't know how I would handle it. We had a really unique professional relationship. We knew more about each other than most therapists and clients, but with in the appropriate boundaries. We talked about family vacations and company we had over. i had one more appointment after that before I had to let her go. After that, there was an agonizing six months before I could talk to her again.

     When I talked to her again, she announced that she was pregnant. I was so happy for her because I always knew that she would be a good parent when the time was right. I always pictured her having kids and I was really surprised that she hadn't had a child before she had left the original facility. She was fresh out of school though. At this point we would talk occasionally and email.

     Before, I had left Melissa as a therapist, she had set me up with Dr. P. She warned me that she was a bit dry, but that she would be able to help me. My mother would take me to these appointments, which were actually in the same facility that Dr.T worked. We met with her a few times and decided that she was cut out for us. She was very dry, there were awkward moments of silence and she thought my only problem was anger management. I'm not really sure where that came from. We eventually let Dr. P know that we would come back to her if we needed help.

     After having minimal contact with Melissa, having no therapist and know that the baby would be arriving soon, my parents and I had made a mutual decision that it was best to go back to Melissa even though she was an hour away. I had serious fears about seeing another therapist to begin with, there was no way I was going to try another person, before i tried the drive to Melissa.

    This past summer, Melissa decided to leave her job again. She gave me the opportunity to be acknowledged and say a few words at there annual charity ball. They had looked at this blog and I had read one of my posts. That was the end to DCI for me. Melissa has now moved on to a new position, but she sent me to yet a new therapist to complete her job with me.

     Once again, I was in the same situation as so many times before. "How do you feel about that", the therapist would ask. "So what your saying...", the therapist would reply. This goes on a every session and I feel like I get no where. I dont' get the point of psychologists. We need more melissa's. We need people who know how to work with autism, not with emotions. We don't need to tell someone the answers to our problems, we come to them for help and to solve our problems. Do you see where this is going? All those other therapists out there are trying to solve there own problems. Melissa solved mine. Therapy will never be the same, but I have a great group of people supporting me in so many other ways. I have an aspergers support group, great bosses and great friends. heck with the doctors