But I just had another break through seizure last night and I am not happy about it at all. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was three and I was put on medicine. It was normal and I never really knew I was having a seizure when I would have them. I was never coherent enough to know anything. I only remember two seizures, one of which was on the way to the hospital where I knew I would be okay and another one was small and I knew I would be okay. Now that I am older and re-diagnosed during a time where I know what big seizures really due to you, I am scared.
I posted a while back, farther back then my second epilepsy diagnosis about an anxiety attack I had when I went to see temple grandin. That episode was the type I had in July too that they called a seizure. When I wrote that post, I talked about how I would manage these episodes at school because sometimes I cry. I don't care how old I am, if something is scary, I will react. Questions are coming to my head again as I once face that same concern. I don't want to scare my roommates.
I am stuck as to what to do. We are trying to get me a private room when I move off to college, but that is still in the works. If I have my own room I can cry all I want and call my mom, but I also risk having a grand mal seizure with no one present to call 911 or assist me. If I have a roommate I would have to decide whether to tell them about my seizures or not. If I told them I would have to think about how they would react. It could very possibly push them away because its weird or it could scare them, but once again I have them there. If I had roommates that were aware, I don't know how understanding they would be of the emotional component when I cry or need to call my mother for support. Last night I hollered for my mom who was just down the hall to come and snuggle with me and comfort me. When I go to college, I'll have to be a big girl and I know I can do it, but a phone call might help.
When I have my episodes, I always think they are so awful and then a couple days later I feel like what ever. I am once again reminded several months later how agonizing they are. My legs start to shake and then jerk as I walk like a robot or an ostrich, then it moves up my torso and eventually makes it difficult to breathe because you need muscle control to breath and you don't have a whole lot. You proceed to ride the seizure out, only to worry that it will happen again or maybe even worse.
There are so many things to think about. I'm not letting anything ruin my plans and dreams, but sometimes circumstances make you think a little bit. I think its kind of cool to figure out your morale dilemma's even though there tough because in the end, you feel good about it. I thought I would be done grieving over the diagnosis of last summer, but when a seizure strikes again, the emotional rollercoaster starts again. With all hope and positive thinking this grievance will go away soon. I am God's masterpiece and he has plans for me even if those plans require me to make some hard choices and some scary paths. :)
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