There is a Season

     As the saying goes, there is a season for everything and there is time of change. I feel like I can relate to this statement on so many levels right now. I am going through some large transitions once again and realizing that as I get older things change. Things come into your life and things leave. The same goes for people. Transition has always been difficult for me, but I think relationship transitions are the hardest.
     Two years ago I was signed up for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I was desperate for a social outlet and friends. I was suffering in a little bit of isolation and I needed to get out. Within two months of applying to the program, I was assigned a big sister. Unfortunately that match ended do to uncontrollable circumstances, but I was assigned a new big sister. I was a bit nervous, but I knew everything would be okay.
     It was originally debated as to whether I would still receive services after I lost my first big sister. I was transition to my schools program for kids 18-21 and would no longer be going to school at the high school, but on a college campus. I wouldn't have received my diploma yet so they approved and I moved on. Last summer my services ended, but my Big and I have made a huge effort to hang out. It may not be once a week, but its every month or couple months. I can count on her to be there though. Things are going to change soon though.
     I'm going off to college next year and I just found out my big sister is moving at the end of the school year. She just got engaged and she is moving far away. I worry about staying connected with her, but I know it will all be okay. We just had breakfast today and I know she will return. I was kind of whiny about it this morning, but then my mom pointed out that I'd be moving in the fall anyway.
     Along with this I have other friends that I feel like I am losing touch with. I probably have to give you some background knowledge first though. Relationships have always been different for me. If someone is nice to me, I automatically consider them my BEST friend and think I need to invite them to every event I have, most specifically my fourth of July party, but sometimes my birthday parties and other events. I'm not sure why, but they could be sixty and I would care, they were still family friends then. One time I felt like my receptionist was my best friend at my dr.s office. When these people leave, it really makes my heart ache and its a hard transition for me.
     Fortunately I have time with my big sister, but another friend of mine is slowly leaving my life. Its not that they don't care, but our lives just get so busy. I rank people as important in my life more strongly than most people (refer to above). We email back and forth and occasionally have lunch or dinner out together. Things have just been busy for us both and new things have come up. For one, this person now has a child and for another, I have school on the days they are off. Lastly, we both love to travel.
     Sometimes I just don't understand why people fade away. I know its okay and I know I'll be fine, but sometimes its hard. Its kind of funny, not humorous, but weird. I have this serious issue with people moving or leaving me, but when it comes to death, I am the last one to cry. I am not emotionally attached to people the same way. I am not able to look at the full set of circumstances and their family. I look at the person in my head and think, thank god there no longer in pain. There in heaven where they belong and I get on with it. Its something to talk about and empathize with, but then get on. I'm not an apathetic person. Don't get me wrong, but I am more upset if someone gets hurt because its something i can visibly see the pain of. I have never been to a funeral and I don't think I am emotionally ready to either though.
     Now this being said, I have never had people that I am extremely close to pass away nor have I been to the funeral. I have had a great friend of mine pass away, but she was gravely ill and I only saw her once a year. I have had relatives die, but I only saw them a couple times a year and I was  young. My grandfather was a bit different though. I got somewhat emotional over him. When I though about him, I looked to the sky. He was a strong Catholic and one year we even got him vatican socks. I didn't have a deep connection with him, but he was a church goer and he was my family. I miss the fact that he used to love giving me hugs. I love how he always put up with us telling him we weren't his grandchildren because he was our step-grandfather. That was when I was younger and it hurt a bit, but he understood and he forgave us.
     I just don't get why I am so apathetic towards death, but if the person is there, they have to be there. Maybe if there gone, I know I don't have a choice to see them again. I don't know. I haven't been to my grandparents house since my grandfather died. My grandmother comes to visit us all the time now though. I almost wonder if it would strike more if I stepped foot in my grandparents house and saw no grandpa or 'papa" as I called him. This is just tough stuff to think over and I think I need to look at bigger pictures and schemes of things in my life.
     Its a miracle, we have facebook now where we connect with anyone and we have email. I guess love for me is more physical than mentally. Some of it may be my point of view or lack of theory of mind and my opinions. I need to look at everything and understand hat it happens for a reason. My reaction doesn't matter. If its negative, then thats my problem and if its positive and I am able to look at the brighter side of anything, then I will be a lot happier. Not only is there a season, but there is a reason for social interactions.