Yesterday our family went to Hershey Park. We were each allowed to invite one friend to the park with us. For those of you who don't know what Hershey park is, its an amusement park filled with Hershey Chocolate. lol. My brother picked a friend to take and I picked a friend to take. Both friends came over Sunday night so that we could sleep in a little longer before hitting the road. The park is a bit of a drive. We have friends that live in the Harrisburg area. They also came and tagged along with us. We had a blast.
A lot of my friends are younger than me as I have posted in previous entries. The friend I chose t take along with me was three years younger than me: the same age as the friend we met up with that lives in Harrisburg. I am a bit older than them and I wanted to hang out with them. The problem is that I have Aspergers which can make it a bit tricky to deal with a group of people instead of one individual. I do much better one on one with people. If I am with more than that I can get a little bit excluded from the group. This was not the case this time thought. Fortunately I had a blast, but this I often times feel the need to share what it is like to have aspergers and how things can be portrayed differently.
One thing that I did struggle with is at the park was appropriate behavior for the the sensory input that I was receiving. I am very sensitive to noises and I am very sensitive to heat. Large crowds are not my cup of tea. During this trip I was with a group of nine by the end. The group was originally six people, but since we have friends in the Harrisburg area, we invited them to meet us. That was great, but I had to maintain my calm, include everyone, and enjoy myself. When i am in a large or unfamiliar place such as an amusement park, things can get a bit crazy for me. By the end of the evening I was feeling a bit crazy. My sensory issues were getting to me, but I had to control them so that I looked normal and could be with friends.
At the end of the day we went to chocolate world. We then went to the Hershey bakery where they have every cupcake you could ever imagine. I picked my cupcake out and headed over to the table to sit down. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my excitement, especially after a long day. I started to rock back and forth and I would stare out the window obsessing about storms coming. I also would rub my hands together in anticipation of the great cupcake I was about to get. This can be a little inappropriate when you are with your peers. By this time I start to talk in a monotonic voice with just the facts and questions. Its almost like I develop a child like voice.
Going to amusement parks are great, but they can be overwhelming. Some of the behaviors that I exhibit are not appropriate to do in public such as the rocking and hand flapping and rubbing. There is nothing physically wrong with it, but it looks awkward and makes people want to shy away. I have learned over the years that I can do such behaviors in my home, in the car with the family and if I don't feel comfortable, I can even do them in my room for that matter.
As a child I exhibited the sensory issues I have today, but I didn't start self stimming until I was in middle school. I started slowly rocking when I was in 9th grade. My mom started to notice this and she put an end to it pretty quickly. Today i have tried new ideas and instead of rocking, I will tap my foot as I actually am doing now and realizing now that i am typing this. This is absolutely appropriate to do in public because it is subtle and it is something that normal people do sometimes. When it gets on people's nerves, they tell me to stop, but it is often times a very mindless habit now. I absolutely crave movement and that is what keeps me balanced and happy.
Overall I had a great trip to Hershey, I did very well with the circumstances I was given and I managed to make it through the whole trip without getting upset.
Dickinson Mental Health Charity Ball
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Professional Relationships vs. Bonding
About four years ago was when i started really suffering with the aspergers. I was heading down a bad path and now that I look back, I was definitely saved by doctors. It was the fall of 9th grade, I got into a typical fight with my brother, but it ended very poorly. I decided to not lash out on him, but I kicked a whole in a wall that was easily visible for all to see. That night I went to youth group where there were people that judge me. I was sharing the story with a good friend, and I shared with her about how mad my dad must be with me. Another girl overheard. She made me nervous and I ended up having a seizure like episode. I got really confused and my parents were called. When i got in the car, I didn't know why I was leaving or where I was going.
Shortly before this episode, I was referred to a psychiatrist considering that I had issues with social skills. I had already had seen several psychologists before, none of which were any good. The doctor felt that if I saw this psychiatrist, I would only have to see him and not a counselor too. At that point no one thought I needed medicine, but that I may need it in the future. We were lucky enough to connect with this doctor right when there was a new autism specialist coming into the office. The psychiatrist put me on medicine for anxiety and sent me to the autism specialist; the best decision we ever made.
I continued to see this doctor for a while: the autism specialist. She was new to the area and she didn't have her state license yet, which basically meant that health insurance wouldn't cover us. No problem right? Wrong. The first appointment I had with this doctor, I knew she was the right doctor for me. I never really had that strong feeling about any one else. I also ended up having a seizure like episode that day while in her office, for the first time. She was able to tell me it was definitely an anxiety attack. That was great because seizures are awful. She continued to see me with a reduced rate or affordable rate. That worked great, except for the fact that this was not covered by insurance and it got quite expensive. We started social skill groups and everything. I was back on the right track, but the family was still suffering from doctor bills.
We eventually found out that she wouldn't be licensed for another three years by our health insurance company. That would mean I would be 18 and i would have grown out of pediatric therapy or I would have moved on to college. That would not have worked. At this point there was a chance that I would have to stop seeing her because of the health insurance company. There are special ways that you can have the health insurance make a deal with the family and the doctor, but there are 80 doctors in the area that could have seen me. They didn't agree. Finally they did and I got covered appointments. I continued the social groups and was continuing to do great. I had insurance covering me, I had a doctor that looked at the whole me and life was easy.
This doctor was about to start up a group specifically for teens. This was going to happen on a Saturday, i think it was November 14th. It was cancelled. That week I had already had an appointment on monday. I went with my dad and all was good. That friday, my mom told me I had to see this doctor for some reason. I thought maybe the group was back on. Boy was i wrong. I kept giving my mom different ideas. She got suspicious when I said about this doctor moving. She wanted me to come in so that she could tell me that she had been offered a new job in a town that was about 2 hours away from our home. She was going to leave me. After all these years she was going to leave me and I wouldn't be able to talk to her. Fortunately she has come back into my life and has helped me again. We just couldn't work it out with a different doctor or therapist. She was the one for us.
That story being told, I want to share a little bit about my relationships and being a professional myself. I may not be a doctor or a therapist, but i do work with individuals who have special needs and confidentiality rights. The families do too. The other day, I was asked to exchange phone numbers with one of the clients. I would have been more than willing to do so, but I was not allowed due to work policies. I am unable to have a relationship with these individuals, but I can bond with them at work. I can provide them activities and new experiences for them, but only at the center. I feel like this is how my relationship was with the doctor I go to see. I see her as a therapist, but there is more to it than that. We get along, not just manage each other and get help.
There is a fine line between relationships and bonding. You can bond without having a relationship. You can help individuals, but have trouble socializing with them. A relationship involves getting together for fun. Bonding can be that, but it can also be as simple as knowing each other and understanding each other. Sometimes we want more. Sometimes we want to be friends, not just helpers. I feel that this is a troublesome issue with working in the medical field. The one place where I understand individuals and they understand me, is the one place that I can't do outside activities at or with.
Shortly before this episode, I was referred to a psychiatrist considering that I had issues with social skills. I had already had seen several psychologists before, none of which were any good. The doctor felt that if I saw this psychiatrist, I would only have to see him and not a counselor too. At that point no one thought I needed medicine, but that I may need it in the future. We were lucky enough to connect with this doctor right when there was a new autism specialist coming into the office. The psychiatrist put me on medicine for anxiety and sent me to the autism specialist; the best decision we ever made.
I continued to see this doctor for a while: the autism specialist. She was new to the area and she didn't have her state license yet, which basically meant that health insurance wouldn't cover us. No problem right? Wrong. The first appointment I had with this doctor, I knew she was the right doctor for me. I never really had that strong feeling about any one else. I also ended up having a seizure like episode that day while in her office, for the first time. She was able to tell me it was definitely an anxiety attack. That was great because seizures are awful. She continued to see me with a reduced rate or affordable rate. That worked great, except for the fact that this was not covered by insurance and it got quite expensive. We started social skill groups and everything. I was back on the right track, but the family was still suffering from doctor bills.
We eventually found out that she wouldn't be licensed for another three years by our health insurance company. That would mean I would be 18 and i would have grown out of pediatric therapy or I would have moved on to college. That would not have worked. At this point there was a chance that I would have to stop seeing her because of the health insurance company. There are special ways that you can have the health insurance make a deal with the family and the doctor, but there are 80 doctors in the area that could have seen me. They didn't agree. Finally they did and I got covered appointments. I continued the social groups and was continuing to do great. I had insurance covering me, I had a doctor that looked at the whole me and life was easy.
This doctor was about to start up a group specifically for teens. This was going to happen on a Saturday, i think it was November 14th. It was cancelled. That week I had already had an appointment on monday. I went with my dad and all was good. That friday, my mom told me I had to see this doctor for some reason. I thought maybe the group was back on. Boy was i wrong. I kept giving my mom different ideas. She got suspicious when I said about this doctor moving. She wanted me to come in so that she could tell me that she had been offered a new job in a town that was about 2 hours away from our home. She was going to leave me. After all these years she was going to leave me and I wouldn't be able to talk to her. Fortunately she has come back into my life and has helped me again. We just couldn't work it out with a different doctor or therapist. She was the one for us.
That story being told, I want to share a little bit about my relationships and being a professional myself. I may not be a doctor or a therapist, but i do work with individuals who have special needs and confidentiality rights. The families do too. The other day, I was asked to exchange phone numbers with one of the clients. I would have been more than willing to do so, but I was not allowed due to work policies. I am unable to have a relationship with these individuals, but I can bond with them at work. I can provide them activities and new experiences for them, but only at the center. I feel like this is how my relationship was with the doctor I go to see. I see her as a therapist, but there is more to it than that. We get along, not just manage each other and get help.
There is a fine line between relationships and bonding. You can bond without having a relationship. You can help individuals, but have trouble socializing with them. A relationship involves getting together for fun. Bonding can be that, but it can also be as simple as knowing each other and understanding each other. Sometimes we want more. Sometimes we want to be friends, not just helpers. I feel that this is a troublesome issue with working in the medical field. The one place where I understand individuals and they understand me, is the one place that I can't do outside activities at or with.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Relationships
I got in a funk today because I don't know who my friends are and who my friends should be. I am too young to have adult friends and too immature too have peers. I am also too mature to have friends that are four or five years younger than me. Those kids that are four or five years younger than me, are the ones that I am interested in. I go from this to spending time with women in their thirties, such as "friends" parents.
I also run into this problem at work too. I work at a place where I am the only teenager. All the staff at my place of work were invited to a baby shower. I can't drive, which means that my mom would have to take me on a fort-five minute drive to a baby shower and either sit in the car, go to the baby shower, or drive home and back. None of those would make sense. Am I ready to go to a baby shower or work party by myself? Am I old enough? Would it be appropriate for my mom to join me? Many questions pop up when this situation arises.
I also have an issue with have relationships with adults. I never seem to want to hang out with my peers unless they are special needs students: individuals who are in lifeskill classes. My parents have discouraged me from this because they want me to be with my neurotypical peers. They want me to be able to function in the real world. They don't want me to be looked at differently or as separated from neurotypical individuals since I am so close to being neurotypical. The strategy that I came up with, not that i thought about, is to hang out with adults. I have tons of adults in my life that are accepting of me. Acceptance automatically means a friend.
That being said leads me to discuss my general inappropriate relationship issues. I have a major problem with thinking that anyone who is nice to me is my best friend. This best friend could be a doctor, a receptionist at the doctors office, or someone who I have just met. There was even one time where I thought that a soccer mom of a soccer player on my brothers soccer player was my friend and my moms too. Have I seen her since soccer? No.
This whole relationship issue comes up all the time. Who are my friends???
I also run into this problem at work too. I work at a place where I am the only teenager. All the staff at my place of work were invited to a baby shower. I can't drive, which means that my mom would have to take me on a fort-five minute drive to a baby shower and either sit in the car, go to the baby shower, or drive home and back. None of those would make sense. Am I ready to go to a baby shower or work party by myself? Am I old enough? Would it be appropriate for my mom to join me? Many questions pop up when this situation arises.
I also have an issue with have relationships with adults. I never seem to want to hang out with my peers unless they are special needs students: individuals who are in lifeskill classes. My parents have discouraged me from this because they want me to be with my neurotypical peers. They want me to be able to function in the real world. They don't want me to be looked at differently or as separated from neurotypical individuals since I am so close to being neurotypical. The strategy that I came up with, not that i thought about, is to hang out with adults. I have tons of adults in my life that are accepting of me. Acceptance automatically means a friend.
That being said leads me to discuss my general inappropriate relationship issues. I have a major problem with thinking that anyone who is nice to me is my best friend. This best friend could be a doctor, a receptionist at the doctors office, or someone who I have just met. There was even one time where I thought that a soccer mom of a soccer player on my brothers soccer player was my friend and my moms too. Have I seen her since soccer? No.
This whole relationship issue comes up all the time. Who are my friends???
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Aspergers isn't a choice, but dealing with it is
Aspergers is a condition that you are physically born with. Its not a condition you get from doing anything such as eating the wrong thing or making stupid choices. its also not something that the mother can control like a mother drinking while pregnant. Aspergers is a social disorder that impairs ones ability to make friends and is of an unknown origin.
There are some days that I just want to say that I hate Aspergers and that I wish I was born differently and without struggles. I then always have to remind myself that there are others out there that are struggling with more than I am struggling with. Everyone has there own struggles, they may just be different. When I used to verbally tell people that I had asperger syndrome, they would tell me that god made me the way he wanted me. He knew that I was the only one that would be able to handle my very own situation that I am dealt with. I do believe this is very true and this is also something to live by.
Another thing that I have to focus on is the fact that I can mope and throw myself a pity party or I can go on with life and do stuff with it. In some ways having aspergers means I have even more potential than the average human being because I have a specific interest. Often times these interests can lead to a strong career path that one has a passion for. The only restriction to the plus side is that I have less in common with other individuals. Having restricted interests means that I like fewer things so I have to be more particular about common interests than the general public.
I guess I am rambling on a bit, but I always struggle with having asperger syndrome, yet I know its not a disability, but it is a disABILITY or a gift. I need to live my life the way that makes me happy. I need to live with passion instead of sadness. I need to LIVE my life not just deal with it!!!
There are some days that I just want to say that I hate Aspergers and that I wish I was born differently and without struggles. I then always have to remind myself that there are others out there that are struggling with more than I am struggling with. Everyone has there own struggles, they may just be different. When I used to verbally tell people that I had asperger syndrome, they would tell me that god made me the way he wanted me. He knew that I was the only one that would be able to handle my very own situation that I am dealt with. I do believe this is very true and this is also something to live by.
Another thing that I have to focus on is the fact that I can mope and throw myself a pity party or I can go on with life and do stuff with it. In some ways having aspergers means I have even more potential than the average human being because I have a specific interest. Often times these interests can lead to a strong career path that one has a passion for. The only restriction to the plus side is that I have less in common with other individuals. Having restricted interests means that I like fewer things so I have to be more particular about common interests than the general public.
I guess I am rambling on a bit, but I always struggle with having asperger syndrome, yet I know its not a disability, but it is a disABILITY or a gift. I need to live my life the way that makes me happy. I need to live with passion instead of sadness. I need to LIVE my life not just deal with it!!!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Connecting two worlds!!!
Over the years I have watched documentaries about autism and I have read books about autism. I have even been to the National Autism Conference at Penn State. One thing that always comes up as a treatment for autism is joining the autistic individuals world. An example of this would be rocking like they rock.
Today I was sitting in the car having a conversation with my mother. My mom and I get along very well with either MOST of the time. Today we had a little disagreement. I had said something. She then said something and I said that is what I have been trying to tell you. she then replied with "No you said this, I heard you and this is what you said". She was very determined to get the last word and to correct me. I got very upset. Later on she told me that she was just doing what I always do to her. I must always have the last word. This may be one of the reasons I have so much trouble getting along with others.
Individuals who have classic autism may need behavioral therapy such as that. They don't have the cognitive skills to think someone is annoyed with them or making fun of them. People with Aspergers know that they are different and they know they have stuff to work on. A good way to work with individuals like me is to make me aware of my behaviors, but don't mimick them. Mimicking is for those that need aren't aware of the behaviors they need to change and that are in there own world to a point where they can't function. The thought that may cross their mind is that someone is also doing the same thing as me, why don't I socialize or interact with them. I interact, i socialize; sometimes i just don't know how to do so.
Today I was sitting in the car having a conversation with my mother. My mom and I get along very well with either MOST of the time. Today we had a little disagreement. I had said something. She then said something and I said that is what I have been trying to tell you. she then replied with "No you said this, I heard you and this is what you said". She was very determined to get the last word and to correct me. I got very upset. Later on she told me that she was just doing what I always do to her. I must always have the last word. This may be one of the reasons I have so much trouble getting along with others.
Individuals who have classic autism may need behavioral therapy such as that. They don't have the cognitive skills to think someone is annoyed with them or making fun of them. People with Aspergers know that they are different and they know they have stuff to work on. A good way to work with individuals like me is to make me aware of my behaviors, but don't mimick them. Mimicking is for those that need aren't aware of the behaviors they need to change and that are in there own world to a point where they can't function. The thought that may cross their mind is that someone is also doing the same thing as me, why don't I socialize or interact with them. I interact, i socialize; sometimes i just don't know how to do so.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The job search begins........Again!!!T
Tonight I got a phone call from my new teacher. She wanted to know what my work schedule is and how I plan on working and managing school. The program I am involved in requires you to maintain a paid/volunteer job. I have had a wonderful job all summer, but the place I work is only a day program. Shucks!!!
School starts in 3 weeks. I have several options. One is that I continue working where I am working 1 or 2 half days a week while being at school the rest of the time. The second option is finding a new job!!! Considering the fact that I start school in 3 weeks, this is staring to become a rush situation. My teacher did suggest work at Michael's, a local craft store. As of right now I have very little time to think about it. We will see what happens.
School starts in 3 weeks. I have several options. One is that I continue working where I am working 1 or 2 half days a week while being at school the rest of the time. The second option is finding a new job!!! Considering the fact that I start school in 3 weeks, this is staring to become a rush situation. My teacher did suggest work at Michael's, a local craft store. As of right now I have very little time to think about it. We will see what happens.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Growing weeds and blossoming flowers
Have you ever heard the phrase children grow like weeds? Well children grow like weeds and aspies blossom like flowers
This summer I have grown a lot. During the school year there is a lot of stress and a lot of stuff to manage. During the summer you have more time to actually work on growing. As I have grown up, I have obviously had trouble with my social skills. During this time I have discovered that my social/emotional skills have growth spurts just like your body does or a weed does. Instead of growing though you are blossoming with social skills, personality and friendships.
When i was younger or should I say last school year I was still having temper tantrums like a two year old. Since the school year has ended, I have not had one meltdown. This is a record for me and I hope it continues. When I say to myself that I haven't had a temper tantrum for a while, I normally end up having one the next day. Not this summer though. That is one example of me blossoming.
Often times we are constantly trying to work on my interrupting. For those of you that know me, my interrupting is awful no matter how hard I try. From this experience I have also learned that we can't always get what we ask for even if it doesn't involve money. Somethings that we want involve decisions made by God. We always ask for no interrupting, but this summer God wanted to give me a better relationship with my mom and no melt downs. I know all teenagers have struggles with there mothers, but I am proud to say that I think those days are over. Maybe the next thing that god will give me is the ability to learn how to not interrupt. As of right now I have skills he has given and skills he has let me learn. There are some skills I work on day in and day out that I just don't get. In time I will blossom into a full blown garden of flowers. It just takes time and maybe this is just how god made me.
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