Accepting Reality

     This week has been a week of accepting realities. I went to an eye opening conference that has taught me so much more about advocating for myself as I transition to becoming an independent adult. This conference had a ton high points, but it also had some low points. I had the opportunity to be in a community with people just like me and with people who I could relate to. I have had to except a whole lot of realities and responsibilities. I have had to accept the fact that I can do more than I think I can sometimes, but I have also realized some areas where I may struggle to overcome obstacles.

        During the conference, I was put with a group of fifteen other young adults with a variety of disabilities. We had days packed full of fun stuff to do and learn. We worked in groups to create a presentation for the end of the week. I had a phenomenal time. In the evening we would gather with eighty-five other youth to do fun stuff. One night we did a massive scavenger hunt all over the conference center and the other night we had a big dance and game night. I had a blast meeting other individuals.

        I also learned a lot of stuff this week. I learned that I can do more stuff for myself than I realize. There were people with all different disabilities who were living on there own. For instance I met several people who were wheelchair bound who live on their own If someone who isn't able bodied can live on their own, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to. I am very excited about learning to be more independent, but this week I have also learned about another really scary reality. I may have epilepsy.

        In the beginning of the week, we were assigned to groups. During our group meetings, we would work on a project to present at the end of the week. I went to go present and I shared my story. When I sat down, I tried to pay attention, but I was very spacey and "deep" in thought!!! I remember thinking I don't want to have one of these "episodes" and next thing I know, I am walking around in the hall way and being assisted. I know I must have asked for help at some point, but I don't know how I asked for help. I have had several of these episodes through my teenage/adult years. They have either been called anxiety attacks or weird seizures. No doctor has ever been concerned about them though. They just happen. The other day when i had this episode we did the normal routine protocol; we called the doctor. Soon afterwards, we got a call back stating to go straight to the emergency room. I about freaked out.

        I didn't understand why I was being sent to the ER. I'd had these episodes many times before and we had done the same thing. I was confused because it wasn't anything new. We got to the ER and we got help, but they couldn't do the EEG they just did the typical CT scan which pretty much defeats the point of the trip. The whole point was to get testing for a possible seizure. In the end the doctor decided that it was probably a seizure created by a history of epilepsy, fatigue, stress and an infection. I now need to consult with a neurologist.

         Right now I am facing the fear of dealing with epilepsy again. I was young and was able to recover with very little memory of the events. Now that I am older I am able to understand more which makes it scarier. I have to accept the reality that I may need more assistance than I had originally planned. We fear the day that I have one of these when I am alone. How will I help my self. It was a pure miracle of god that I am able to get help and actually ask for it when I am somewhat incoherent. I hate to say unconscious because I obviously am conscious to some extent, but I remember very little of the event. Many people would think this is good, but when you are in one location and regain coherence in a new location, its scary.

         The fact is I may never grow out of my seizure disorder. I may be able to go places by myself, but i never plan on being somewhere that I can't get help. Really the only place I am alone at any given time is home, but what if one happened when no one is home. I can't fear being home alone. I'm not going to die, but its something to think about.