Stolen

       When I was born, I was rushed to the NICU within 24 hours, because I had stopped breathing on a number of occasions. This worried my parents a lot. There was a lot that I could've lost at the time, but our brains are like plastic and therefore we are able to compensate for what is lost. I have worked hard to get where I am now, but I feel like I am being stolen from also.

       The past month, I must admit has been the most trying month I've had in the past two years. I have had three medication changed within the past month including, stuff for anxiety, sleep and seizures. Fancy that, the things I talk about most. Its amazing what therapy can do to help you compensate for what has been lost and what can be gained, but sometimes you need medication too. I grew up taking medication for seizures. I had been on a variety of medications for various symptoms. I had to switch one for mood swings, and one for sleep. The one that caused insomnia, made it  permanent and we had thought the sleep issues would resolve themselves. The sleep issues continued and we tried melatonin which helped for a while.

       I eventually got off my seizure medication, but I had started on medication for anxiety and for sleep. I took melatonin and an antidepressant that helps with anxiety. I used these mediations helped me for about five years with minimal changes. I was doing great and I thought I was on top of the world. I of course had my days and times, but life was good. The "anxiety attacks" had been at bay for once. In January, my sleep got awful and we tried everything. Stuff would work for a week and then I would be back to no sleep again. We finally increased my melatonin intake, but I became resistant. I had to do something new.

       I finally started taking something similar to Benedryl, but it was prescribed by a doctor as well as an increase in my anxiety meds. I made these changes on the same day I saw my neurologist for the possible seizure. I got the news that I had epilepsy right after I had visited my other doctor. Once again a new medication to try. Let's just say never change more than one medication at a time. This month has been a struggle of changes and side affects from medication as I adjust.

       The medication that had caused the sleep insomnia (lamictal) was put back in my regimen for my seizures only because I didn't have the "episodes" while I was on this medication. I am convince that Lamictal permanently lost my good sleep due to this medication. I feel like it has also stolen other things now this time around and I fear they will not return.

        As I said, I changed my anxiety medication at the same time as my seizure medications. the anxiety medication has a lot of side affects with mood and appetite. Sometimes I will feel very inattentive to things. Sometimes I have felt like I have had ADHD and I had to decrease my dosage. I finally tried increasing it again at the same time as my Lamictal. The lamictal can harm your attention span as well as it supresses stuff in the brain.

         I am having trouble figuring out if my Lamictal or anxiety medication have been the cause of my attentiveness and processing. I feel like the Lamictal has stolen another important aspect of mental health. I am no longer able to focus on anything very long, so therefore even a task oriented job has its difficulties. Not only has this happened, but I am having trouble processing information. I have become loud and obnoxious, which was good because I was happier, but I have trouble with attention and now processing stuff. People will say stuff to me and I not only have to ask what, but I have to reiterate what they actually say. I also have always had trouble visually scanning for stuff, but now I literally can't find stuff without help. People at my one job are getting extremely frustrated with me and are just telling me I need to look harder. I can't help it and it frustrates me too. I notice it, but it has regressed quite quickly over the past month. I am really frustrated with my processing.

        It really bothers me that not only do I notice these changes, but others do too and people just don't think I pay attention. I work hard each and everyday to make it through the day without mistakes, just like most people. I just have more humps to get over, but I can do it. I do on the other hand fear that this seizure that caused me to go on Lamictal is and angel and the lamictal is an agnel. Yes, the good angel and the bad angel. The seizures can cause issues and the lamictal can cause issues. Has this medication already done its damage this time around? Is this permanent? I feel lostas to what to do. I could risk having a grand mal seizure do to my history if i'm not not it, but I rarely have seizures. If I was to get off of this medication I don't know if I would return to my normal self. I am happy, but my attention and executive functioning have caused significant burdens.

       For right now I just need to ride it out until I can talk to my doctor. If the lamictal has stolen these things, chances are they will never return as the sleep issues never got fixed. If it is the Lamictal it also isn't going to change more. I am stuck either way and this frustrates me. Over all I am fixated on this and I just shouldn't worry. I have to face whatever struggles that face me. If you can't deal with my processing issues, so be it. I try my best to make it through each day. I am happy and if I have trouble where I need to ask you about what I said, deal with it. I am using a strategy to help me. It only takes you a second. If its something I can't see, I know how to ask for help, but I do try hard. That only takes a minute to help with.

Let's face it, its a struggle for you and me both. I deal with it everyday, you mine as well do because I do.