choosing my identity

    Yes!!! I did just say that I have to choose my identity. I promise, I am not deciding whether I am a boy or girl, or if I hate myself or love myself. Its much different than that. Aspergers is a tough diagnosis to deal with considering it is very new.  I much rather deal with add or tourette syndrom. I know that's awful to say that, but let me explain. I am also turning into a young adult right now and with that comes more responsibility regarding who you are and how you are going act.

    I plan on going to college next year. When you are in high school, you have an individual education plan that states that I am on the autism spectrum, what it means, accommodations I need in school and the goals I should meet each year. When you head off to college, you fill out an application like everyone else. Once you have applied, you need to contact the office of disability services and they will provide what you need. You don't let the admissions office know you have a disability and there is no learning support room that you go to. Know students will know you have a disability. The dilemma I am facing right now is whether I am going to J and admit I am a little quirky, J poor me I have aspergers, or just J a typical college student trying to find the ropes.

   As a child I had and still feel the need to explain my self quite literally. If someone doesn't understand why I keep interrupting or monopolizing the conversation, I feel compelled to tell them I have aspergers which no only throws them off, but monopolizes the conversation even more until I explain myself. There is this part of me that has to explain everything. Lately I have gotten into this repetitive circle where I even obsess about obsessing where I even have to explain that I am obsessing and I can't help it.

    Right now I am facing a dilemma. When I was a child, I was obviously different. I was much more immature and awkward than my peers. I will never forget reading an observation report a psychologist did that state I laugh awkwardly. My friends new I was different and that I had a disability. I kind of want to start out on a clean slate now though. I want to be J. Just uniquely J. I want the disability because it is an important part of me and if I didn't have it, I probably wouldn't understand some stuff I know now nor would I have a strong career goal at this age.

    There is a huge problem with starting on a clean slate when I get to college. You wanna know what that is??? Facebook!!!! This blog has been a huge part of growing up for me. This blog has really bridged the gaps between the autism world and the normal world. It has been a stress reliever and a coping mechanism. Once again the problem arises that I am obsessive and want to explain everything. I want to create greater awareness, yet be excepted. If I don't explain myself, people think I'm weird. If I have a diagnosis they think I am an alien. If they see my blog and that I cry at the sound of a siren, only god knows what they'll think, but I continue to insist on posting this entries on facebook. Probably half the pages on my facebook profile have to do with disabilities. Do you think I am a freak now?

    Lets face it!!! The internet has become a problem. When I go to college, I will make friends, but when they ask if I have facebook, should I tell them? If I tell them, they will want to be friends with me and they will probably shun me because I have aspergers. They will all the sudden think I am weird just because I have this label or sticker on me. Now I know why person first language is so important. People who are not exposed to individuals with disabilities have no idea how important person first language is. If I tell those people that I don't have facebook they will think I am crazy and that I have been placed in the wrong generation.

   Lets face it. This is a lesson that all of us can learn from. Even you weird neurotypicals. Don't put stuff online that you will regret. I will be permanently scarred with the label aspergers because I put it out there. People who I haven't even told I have aspergers face to face, know I have it. It may explain stuff for the education, but for the uneducated, it will throw them off.  I wan to start from a clean slate, but I'm not sure how to get started. I really need to think this through. When I hit college and my disability is hidden by the confidentiality rules of the office of disability services, I want to hide it myself, but I don't know if I have a choice. I have made a decision that will affect me for the rest of my life.