stability

   When you are talking about mental illnesses, it is a great thing to hear that someone is stable, but as I have grown up with aspergers and an anxiety disorder, stability has coined a new meaning. Due to the fact that I fixate on my disability, I also fixate on my stability which in turn can lead to me talking about it in front of my mother and sometime even friends who are around me a lot. This may even be with my mothers coworkers which can be inappropriate.

   Lately I have been thinking about how stable I am as I am planning on going over to my1cent's house sometime in the near future for a night or possibly a weekend. I always worry about whether people know how to react to me if I am to have a meltdown or possibly even a panic attack. Right now I would have to say that I am on the cusp of being stable; I am on the greener grass rather than the brown grass, but I have been that way for about two months.

   Over the past few months, I have looked at stability differently. When I was in middle school, I wasn't stable under any guidelines and I needed help. I was having daily panic attacks and fights with kids in school. I would throw a tantrum at the sound of a siren, a clap of thunder or if something was changed such as a schedule. Today, I am much more stable than that, but I could still be more stable.

   Over the summer, there was a lot of social an emotional growth in my life which lead to a very stable time. I was tantrum free, crying free, and all around happy go lucky. Around the start of school, I started crying again. I didn't start with tantrums, but I started crying. In my definition of stable now, I consider crying unstable.

   Look at it this way. Someone with typical epilepsy is stable if they never have seizures while on medicine, but someone with intractable epilepsy is s stable if they don't have a seizure for maybe two or three days.  Thats how I look at my stability. Stability is defined by where you start off and where you are after treatment has started. Stability is the best you have been since treatment has started. Right now I cry every once in a while and have a panic attack here and there, but I don't have meltdowns. Six months ago this was stable, now its not and I need to work harder on controlling my emotions.

just something to think about. Stability is not just for those with severe issues, but it is for those that have made leaps and bounds and need to stay on track!!!

harmful honesty

   Sometimes being honest can also be harmful. I know that must sounds like drama, but today I started crying because I was being honest. As a child I grew up being very gullible and as an adult I stick to rules. This means that if mom tells me that I don't get presents unless I write a letter to Santa, then I don't get presents.

    Today was one of those days. My grandmother is in town and its the end of october. She normally comes for a week each month. I didn't see her in september, but I did get to see her this month. Next month she plans on visiting the other side of the family around this time for Thanksgiving. This means that the next time I see her will be Christmas. Fortunately, she will be coming to see a concert with us and to celebrate an early thanksgiving, but I was worried for a bit.

   Having my grandmother leaving now and not coming back for a while had got me thinking about christmas. As a child I was always told to write a list and then write a letter to Santa Claus. If we didn't believe in him, we didn't get presents, If we didn't write a letter to him, we didn't get presents. Today I asked my mom if I really had to write a letter since I was getting older and I didn't know what I wanted. She told me that I had to if I wanted presents. This set me off into tears and confusion.

   You'd think that things wouldn't get me so much, but I admit I am selfish and lazy. I started crying because I honest to goodness didn't know what to write and I felt that I was running out of time. I really wanted christmas presents because I am that selfish. The christmas presents that I get from my parents aren't sufficient enough for me. I still need presents from Santa Claus. I have a feeling that the year santa doesn't come is going to be tough, but I will survive.

   After I started crying, I was told to maybe just not write a letter and see what happens. My grandmother stepped in and assured me that I would get presents. I still had my heels dug in that if I didn't write something, I wouldn't get presents. Sometimes my honesty gets in harms way when I believe something to strongly. My parents also assured me that I don't typically write my list until two weeks before christmas anyway. lol. This really hurt today because I wanted presents and I didn't want to be lazy, but I honestly didn't know what I wanted and what to do.

Happiness

   Well perfect timing for this blog as I just posted expression of emotions yesterday. Today I want to dig a little deeper and talk about how I express happiness. Yesterday, I explained that my emotions are very exuberant. Well lets just say my happiness was outrageous today, but there was anxiety as well.  Maybe I shouldn't say axniety, but anticipation.

   If you saw someone in a passenger seat of a car today clapping there hands, it was probably me. Yup, I get that excited, but don't worry, I know how to control it when I have to, or at least if I am prompted to when I have to. In general, I know that if I am just with my family, its okay.

   Every Friday, I come home around 3:30 where as any other day, I don't get home until at least four, if not five or six, sometimes even eight. Yes, despite the fact that I have few friends, I do keep myself busy. My mom did just get a new employee who I absolutely love, but I only get to see her on friday's because I am so darn busy. I have a van that drops me off at my house where everyone works. I have been getting very anxious on fridays as I anticipate seeing my moms new employee's car when I get home. Will I see it? Did I miss her? Did she come today???

   This has been an ongoing problem or more of a situation for a while. Before she started working for my mom, I would only see her every couple of months. Now I anticipate seeing her on fridays. When I come home on fridays, I take off my shoes and go down to greet this employee with a huge hug. Today she heard me tromping down the stairs and said oh thats J. She got out of her chair with her arms wide open. Last week she told me she was pleased to get her J fix. This week she was pleased to see her favorite person ever. Those simple words mean so much.

   When I went to give her the hug, I was extremely excited and I must of said bye to her about five times today as I left for the gym. She makes me so happy and when that anticipation and anxiety turns into happiness, I get really hyper an exuberant. I feel this huge relief and maybe a little giddy.

   After I went to greet my moms employee, I had to get ready to go again so I could get to the gym. I know to get changed, but I never know where my pants are. I get changed and head out. As we are driving down the road, my mother announces to me that there is a possibility of adopting a kitten and maybe even tomorrow. As she is describing this I am still thinking about my1cent. Lets just call my moms employee that for right now. My mom tells me that I get to meet someone tomorrow and that she is this size and her name is stella. I am a nerd and I automatically think she is a primordial dwarf or a premature baby we are helping.

   She lets me know that this something is a kitten and that her name is stella. I am already crazy over my1cent, but then my mother tells me about stella. This is when I start clapping my hands and asking questions. I totally missed that she was black. There is no problem with the color black, other than the last cat to die was black.

   I later land my self in the gym, where its confirmed that I totally have a new stim as no matter how much I move, I want to shake my head no. Its not like a no as much at it is a continuously repetitive behavior that has been going on ever since I met temple grandin. Something must have changed that night. I really felt very uncomfortable at the gym, but I made it through like a champ and came to find that I was just tired and over excited.

    I continue to obsess over my1cent and this kitten, but my1cent gets better everyday. My mom assures me that as soon as I feel secure that this is where she is and that she is here to stay, I will start to ease. I definitely feel this is true.

Expression of emotions

   When I tell people I have Aspergers, they give me this look as if to say that it sure doesn't look like you have it. Aspergers is very different in girls and even more uniquely represented in each individual. Today I want to talk to you about how my emotions play a role in my diagnosis and why some people get very confused as well as why we don't have personality at times.

   The one thing that held me back from receiving the Aspergers Diagnosis as a child was my personality and my emotions. I have always had personality which seems to be the leading cause of people being confused with my condition. I do have personality, but my emotions are quirky. When someone thinks about aspergers, they think about someone who shows no emotion and a flat voice. This is very untrue.

   If I feel a certain way I will show it to you and you may be a little intimidated. Every person is uniquely made whether you have aspergers or you are normal. No one is normal so you shouldn't think a diagnosis is normal either. Just because someone has a disability, doesn't mean that they are normal compared to anyone else with that disability. We are all unique.

   When people come across me, they see someone who is bright, kind and talkative. I may talk a lot about myself, but I talk a lot. I also show my emotions and sometimes it can be to the extreme. Instead of putting a smile on my face when I am happy, I laugh and jump up and down. Instead of making a facial expression when I am unhappy, I cry, yell, and sometimes even become a little aggressive, but that has faded as I have gotten older.

   People may be confused by my emotions, but they have autistic tendencies. The worst part of people misunderstanding me there inability to be patient. Most people who come in contact with me,  get to know me and the aspergers is in the background. When the aspergers comes out, they have forgotten about it and get frustrated with me because they think I should know better.

   Now I am not saying that I should use my aspergers as an excuse or I can't do stuff that normal people can do. I also am not sharing that i think the whole world needs to know about my aspergers. My point is that I think people should know about my aspergers and accept the fact that I have it before they regret what they say or do. I don't think aspergers should be the only thing about me, but it is something that makes me special and that people need to understand and watch out for. I need to watch it myself, but can you blame me if I make a mistake.

   I know we all make mistakes, but this is just something to think about. I feel this problem is all to real in my life. when I tell you I have aspergers, don't shove it off to the side and tell me I don't have it because I do and I am proud of it. It may be harmful in some ways, but its helpful in others. Aspergers isn't a bad thing, so don't tell me I don't have it as if it is a negative think. Understand that I have it and I may act out if I am overwhelmed. I don't process stuff the same way as you do and I don't understand emotional vocabulary in the same way as you. If I think someone is frustrated, it doesn't mean mad it means stressed or annoyed.

   Just to clear up some confusion, I would also like to explain to you why people with aspergers sometimes don't have personality. People with autism rely on there senses for information than anyone else. We all learn through them, but we don't depend on them on a regular basis. Our senses make up our world more than our emotions make it which is opposite of a neurotypical. If our senses our out of whack we get overwhelmed. If we are overwhelmed, we just need to focus on functioning and communicating. At this point who cares about personality when you are just trying to function. Controlling our senses is more important.

Next time you see someone who has aspergers think about this

The General is Here

   I am not speaking literally right now when I say the general is here, but I am talking about a much bigger topic that affects those with disabilities. It doesn't just affect those with aspergers, but people with disabilities in general and that is invitations. Invitations are so hard to get for someone with a disability.

   Have you ever seen The Middle? The Middle is a show that airs on wednesday nights, on ABC. I think its a channel that anyone with basic cable gets. The show is about a typical middle class family that lives in The United States. There are three kids, each with different personalities. They have two boys and a girl.

    The girl is really quirky and I guess you could say she has the girl version of aspergers, but it has never been disclosed in the show. My parents say that I am like the girl in many ways and I definitely do agree. I have absolutely no style and I am very exuberant yet let down at many times. I am also rarely invited to social events. This show has a character that represents everyone in an american family.

   The older boy is similar to my brother. The typical boy who wants nothing to do with the family and comes up the the corniest of ideas. The one who gives you attitude, unless they have started the conversation. This boy is the classic  teenager.

   Then there is brick. We can never forget about brick. Brick has many social quirks and I believe he portrays a boy with aspergers, but I could be very wrong. He always has his head in a book. has no friends and whispers under his breath.

   The point that I am trying to get at though involves the girl in this family. Due to her quirks, she isn't very popular. I have gone through many of the same situations she has gone through, including not sitting at the cool table at lunch. I will never forget fifth grade, but that is another story for another blog entry.

   Too often, the sweetest and most outgoing yet quirky individuals are left out. People with disabilities have emotions and want to have friends. I believe that people have to understand that they need to give us a chance to show who we really are. I feel like to often, we are only invited to the events that for the GENERAL PUBLIC. Yup all the parties that Sue went to were for everyone, but she thought she was cool.

   The parties we are invited to, are miracles. We get excited over the GENERAL parties because we don't know what is really out there. We don't have friends that care enough to invite us to them, let alone invite us to come over. Its something that individuals with special needs struggle with and something we need to change.

Enjoy It While Your Young

   As a child, I was probably the most enthusiastic child when it came to birthdays. I think when I was young, I would be planning by birthday now when its not even until next year!!! When I would share that I had a birthday coming up, people would always tell me to enjoy it when your young. I didn't really understand for several reasons.

   One reason I didn't understand is because you can be what you want to when you grow up. You can do whatever you want. I had this picture in my head of me being an elementary school teacher giving everyone individual attention and giving grades. Grades are something structured in my life.

   My point right now is that I am just learning that you really do have to enjoy stuff when you are young. As I grow older, there are more and more changes that come my way. Now some of those changes are good and some of those changes are positive, but very sad. One of which is moving off to college.

   When I was younger, college would be a discussion, but it was a scratch the surface conversation. Truth be told now, my parents didn't even know if I would live on my own. My parents and I have been talking a lot about college lately though. We think I will be ready next school year.

   In June, when I signed up for the program I am in right now, I was emotionally not ready for college. When I actually started the program, I was ready for college, and I still think I am. My parents and my doctor have had the conversation with me lately. I'm starting to think about the application process, but there are some negative things that come along with moving off to college; you lose some things.

   The program I am apart of lasts for three years depending on the individual. I have the option to go for three years or two years for that matter, but I plan on going one. The other day I had a conversation with my dr. and she was telling me that she thinks I will be ready to, but along with that comes some other changes. She doesn't know if she will still be able to treat me, because she is a school psychologist. Lets just be a little dramatic right here and say that I think I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder from the number of doctors I have seen for my autism.

   In ninth grade, I was referred to a psychological association where I went to see someone for my anxiety disorder and autism. At the time we didn't know I had anxiety and thought I just had a seizure disorder. Low and behold I have anxiety. That doctor referred me to someone who specializes in talk therapy for autism. That was and is the person I am still seeing to this day. I feel that this doctor has helped me so much.

   When my doctor had to move to Clearfield for a position that would help her pay for college, I stopped seeing her because the drive would be too far. It was the most dreadful year of my life when she moved as she had helped me so much. I had seen other providers before, but with no success. When she moved, she referred me to someone else which didn't go well either. It wasn't her fault at all, but the personalities didn't match. I landed myself in the Clearfield office.

   With the transition to college, I feel lost. I hate having the option to stay three years. The doc told me she didn't know if she could see me after I graduated because she didn't know if she could help me, but I don't know where to turn if I need help. At this stage I don't want to see any one else and quite frankly I am scared that if I try someone else it won't work again. This is called learned helplessness. I almost want to go to school another year for the mere fact that I will get the sam psychological support, but obviously that would be a stupid reason. The supports I have gotten over the years have been great, but I know I need to move on even though I am scared.

Your a bit too touchy

   This week, my mom had a new employee start at her business. This individual just so happens to be someone that I have known for a quite a while so I really like her and am glad to have her added to our family, but I must say that I have probably driven her nuts this week. I am way too touchy, not as in particular about stuff, but just tactile.

   Today, I came down to the office to offer her a piece of cake. I first had to give her a hug because I love tactile input. From previous experience, she knows that she will likely get a hug from me when she sees me. After I came down she started trying to show me something cool on her desk. I must have not only noticed about five things first, but touched them first. I didn't notice until afterward that I had to touch everything. It ended up being a plastic decorative mat sitting on her desk, but I had to touch all sorts of cool things first.

   This is a short blog, but I feel this is an important subject concerning sensory issues. Not only do I not realize the social mistakes I make until afterwards, but I do the same with sensory issues too. I didn't realize how many things I had to touch on her desk until afterward, but it was natural to me