As a child, I was probably the most enthusiastic child when it came to birthdays. I think when I was young, I would be planning by birthday now when its not even until next year!!! When I would share that I had a birthday coming up, people would always tell me to enjoy it when your young. I didn't really understand for several reasons.
One reason I didn't understand is because you can be what you want to when you grow up. You can do whatever you want. I had this picture in my head of me being an elementary school teacher giving everyone individual attention and giving grades. Grades are something structured in my life.
My point right now is that I am just learning that you really do have to enjoy stuff when you are young. As I grow older, there are more and more changes that come my way. Now some of those changes are good and some of those changes are positive, but very sad. One of which is moving off to college.
When I was younger, college would be a discussion, but it was a scratch the surface conversation. Truth be told now, my parents didn't even know if I would live on my own. My parents and I have been talking a lot about college lately though. We think I will be ready next school year.
In June, when I signed up for the program I am in right now, I was emotionally not ready for college. When I actually started the program, I was ready for college, and I still think I am. My parents and my doctor have had the conversation with me lately. I'm starting to think about the application process, but there are some negative things that come along with moving off to college; you lose some things.
The program I am apart of lasts for three years depending on the individual. I have the option to go for three years or two years for that matter, but I plan on going one. The other day I had a conversation with my dr. and she was telling me that she thinks I will be ready to, but along with that comes some other changes. She doesn't know if she will still be able to treat me, because she is a school psychologist. Lets just be a little dramatic right here and say that I think I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder from the number of doctors I have seen for my autism.
In ninth grade, I was referred to a psychological association where I went to see someone for my anxiety disorder and autism. At the time we didn't know I had anxiety and thought I just had a seizure disorder. Low and behold I have anxiety. That doctor referred me to someone who specializes in talk therapy for autism. That was and is the person I am still seeing to this day. I feel that this doctor has helped me so much.
When my doctor had to move to Clearfield for a position that would help her pay for college, I stopped seeing her because the drive would be too far. It was the most dreadful year of my life when she moved as she had helped me so much. I had seen other providers before, but with no success. When she moved, she referred me to someone else which didn't go well either. It wasn't her fault at all, but the personalities didn't match. I landed myself in the Clearfield office.
With the transition to college, I feel lost. I hate having the option to stay three years. The doc told me she didn't know if she could see me after I graduated because she didn't know if she could help me, but I don't know where to turn if I need help. At this stage I don't want to see any one else and quite frankly I am scared that if I try someone else it won't work again. This is called learned helplessness. I almost want to go to school another year for the mere fact that I will get the sam psychological support, but obviously that would be a stupid reason. The supports I have gotten over the years have been great, but I know I need to move on even though I am scared.
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