I am really starting to feel old especially since this school year has started. There are several things that make me feel old including the fact that my brother is now a sophmore in high school, two weeks from now is the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and that I am in college, just to name a few.
I have always been fascinated with watching shows on tlc which can also be a good thing because tlc is educational. I was just looking at the schedule and there are tons of shows coming up about 9/11. The reason? It is going to be the 10th anniversary of the crash!!! Yes, it has been ten years which makes me feel really old because I was also in elementary at the time of the crash. It was a tuesday morning when I was in Mrs. Whittaker's third grade class. That night I came home and my parents would not let me watch the news with them, not that I wanted to though.
This year is going to be a very sad year for those that have suffered through such a tragic event. This will be 10 years from the time when there have been people that have lost there lives and 10 years from when there have been people who have lost there family members. The really sad example I saw one time that really put a light bulb in my head was an image of a parking lot. It was just a parking lot, but there were cars in it too. It was a parking lot where there were cars left by people who took the subway into work. The statement that went with it was that earlier in the day was the last time owners would ever see there cars. Cars are such a simple thing and that made an impact. I can't imagine losing the people you have lost.
Another thing that makes me feel old is that I'm in college. I just started my college experience last week and we are already in full swing. I love it!!! The high school started their classes today. I still ride the school bus. The weirdest part is that actual people made me feel old. I got asked several times today about why I was there because I was a senior last year. People were very confused as to why I was at the high school. Surprise!!! I haven't technically graduated yet and I still have half a credit of english to master before I can do so.
Lastly, my little baby brother is a huge sophmore in high school and he is also towering over me in height. I can't believe that he is in high school. I remember the day he was born and how I wanted to help my mom do everything to take care of him. Oh the days. :(
So the conclusion to this post is that yes, I am old, but I am still growing and learning and maturing and that is what matters.
Dickinson Mental Health Charity Ball
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
structure and college
I really need structure to be stable and to function in the world because I have aspergers. At least that is what we thought before I started college. I have not only survived so far, but I have started to thrive in the college setting. College is one of the best decisions I think I have made so far and I am loving it.
When I decided I was going to be a part of this program we were told that there was very little structure. I became a little nervous, but I thought I could work through it and so far I have done so. My mom was just telling me that right now I am thriving in an environment that has very little structure. I agree. We never know what the next day holds or what each class holds in store for us, but I love it. I am also treated like a real college student.
On another note, I only have one mentor so far which is okay, but I can't wait to find one for intro to psych. I met my coping with college mentor today and she is very nice. I think it will be a very good fit for me. Over the next week we will be spending some one on one time with each other while getting to know one another. She will be coming to my classroom to meet with me until I start my class. Today she went on a walk with me.
College is amazing and i can't wait to share more stories. :)
When I decided I was going to be a part of this program we were told that there was very little structure. I became a little nervous, but I thought I could work through it and so far I have done so. My mom was just telling me that right now I am thriving in an environment that has very little structure. I agree. We never know what the next day holds or what each class holds in store for us, but I love it. I am also treated like a real college student.
On another note, I only have one mentor so far which is okay, but I can't wait to find one for intro to psych. I met my coping with college mentor today and she is very nice. I think it will be a very good fit for me. Over the next week we will be spending some one on one time with each other while getting to know one another. She will be coming to my classroom to meet with me until I start my class. Today she went on a walk with me.
College is amazing and i can't wait to share more stories. :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
I really hate the weekend!!!
My whole school career, I have hate weekends. During the week, I have the structure of school and I am constantly learning new things which is very stimulating. I also have a good routine put in place for me which really helps me know what is going on.
This school year is very different and very busy. I have classes and I have down time which is normally filled with work experience, homework and occasionally a game of uno or hanging out with friends. I love college life and my program treats me like a real college student even though, I am a high school student. I don't have to have permission for every little thing I do. There is also a downside to the college program I am in. I am sometimes too busy.
Being too busy sounds good right??? Yes, I love staying busy, but during those times where you are not busy, you go into a state of shock. You get so confused as to what happened and you don't know what to do with yourself. You go to school and stay busy, but then you come home and you have nothing to do. Often times I come home all hyped up on the natural energy that I have gained from the day I had. It usually comes from excitement and new things, but when you come home you aren't stimulated by new things and you have to try to entertain yourself.
Someone who has aspergers has a really hard time entertaining themselves. We have restrictive interests, lack of friends to do stuff with and that guilt and anxiety that everyone has, but ten times worse. when i am at home, I normally sit on my computer all day. I maybe take a nap or do my puzzle or scrapbooking. If I take a nap, then I feel guilty because I can be doing more with my life, but I always get so tired. If I am on my computer, I feel guilty that the only thing that can entertain me is my computer, but the computer is calming and very stimulating at the same time.
I am dreading this weekend and next as I will have my first college weekend where I have come back from a huge week of firsts and new stuff and I will hate the second weekend because it is three days long!!! :(
To show you what I mean when I say busy, I will share my a week in review. Monday we had orientation a class, learning how to buy books, lunch with our new mentors, paperwork to hand out and getting to know each other. On tuesday, we had classes and then we went to the lunch and the die cut shop where we worked our butts off. On Wednesday, we spent our day at classes, lunch and then a huge volunteer fair where we got about fifteen mentors to join us for the year. While we were at the volunteer fair handing flyers out, we had to manage our time and look at other volunteer organizations. On Thursday we had classes, and then we went to the die cut shop. Today we had classes, went to on a mini field trip to some museum to learn about earthquakes, ate lunch, watched performances from our fellow classmates, did homework and we still managed to play uno at the end of the day. Is it fair to say that I am absolutely exhausted, but hyped up on energy. I am exhausted, but I am stimulated in such a way that stimulation has become a craving. I have learned that I can't always ask for more and I have to deal with what I get. Even though I am tired, I just want more, i feel like the energizer bunny.
Overall college is a good experience, but it leaves me asking for more fun. I have never really noticed how what you do really impacts your mood and energy level. Doing nothing makes you tired and makes you want to take naps. Doing active things make you have lots of energy that at some points has you no knowing what you want to do with yourself.
I can't wait to update you on how school is going next week!!! :)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I am scared to death of my neighborhood...
The past week of sleep has been very interesting. I sleep on the top floor of a huge house that is placed on a huge hill. The huge hill we have, has many kids and a lot of wind. I also have central air and I have had central air since I can remember. I have definitely always had it in this house, but I am not sure about my other house.
Last week, as many of you know, I was at the apartment. I slept on a bed that felt like I was sleeping on springs. The only comfort item I had was my feather pillow and the pajamas i was sleeping in. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you this apartment complex is filled with crazy college students. I got very little sleep when I was there and I thought that I would get more sleep when I came home. Wrong!!! I got absolutely no sleep when I came home because we had no air conditioning. The solution??? Open the windows, which for me is a huge milestone.
I hate opening the windows because the slightest sound as a bug, a lawnmower or a gust of wind can cause me to have anxiety and to stay awake for a much longer time period. It was not until this event that I was able to overcome my anxiety/sensory issues that involve sounds in my neighborhood. No let me tell you, the wind in my neighborhood is terrible. There are days where I post on facebook about how bad the wind is.
I really hate that the world is looking like it coming to an end lol. We have an earthquake, a thunderstorm and a freak'n hurricane all in the same darn week and I am not supposed to be anxious. It really doesn't help that I have those darn windows open so I don't suffocate from the heat.
On top of the wind, there were also teenage boys roaming my neighborhood taking about different houses. Yes I could hear what they were saying from up in my room. I know call me crazy. I felt like they were going to commit a crime such as egging a house or breaking in. I hate hearing people in my neighborhood late at night. Everyone should be able to sleep and sleep peacefully. After all I do live in a very safe neighborhood. I have about four, no maybe it is down to tow police officers that actually live in my neighborhood.
Overall I hate night time with the windows open and I am very glad our central air is working again. Now I don't have to listen to weird bugs and boys who decide to become idiots/ninjas at dusk. I think this is a major milestone that I have reached. I can actually just barely having the the windows open all night!!!
Last week, as many of you know, I was at the apartment. I slept on a bed that felt like I was sleeping on springs. The only comfort item I had was my feather pillow and the pajamas i was sleeping in. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you this apartment complex is filled with crazy college students. I got very little sleep when I was there and I thought that I would get more sleep when I came home. Wrong!!! I got absolutely no sleep when I came home because we had no air conditioning. The solution??? Open the windows, which for me is a huge milestone.
I hate opening the windows because the slightest sound as a bug, a lawnmower or a gust of wind can cause me to have anxiety and to stay awake for a much longer time period. It was not until this event that I was able to overcome my anxiety/sensory issues that involve sounds in my neighborhood. No let me tell you, the wind in my neighborhood is terrible. There are days where I post on facebook about how bad the wind is.
I really hate that the world is looking like it coming to an end lol. We have an earthquake, a thunderstorm and a freak'n hurricane all in the same darn week and I am not supposed to be anxious. It really doesn't help that I have those darn windows open so I don't suffocate from the heat.
On top of the wind, there were also teenage boys roaming my neighborhood taking about different houses. Yes I could hear what they were saying from up in my room. I know call me crazy. I felt like they were going to commit a crime such as egging a house or breaking in. I hate hearing people in my neighborhood late at night. Everyone should be able to sleep and sleep peacefully. After all I do live in a very safe neighborhood. I have about four, no maybe it is down to tow police officers that actually live in my neighborhood.
Overall I hate night time with the windows open and I am very glad our central air is working again. Now I don't have to listen to weird bugs and boys who decide to become idiots/ninjas at dusk. I think this is a major milestone that I have reached. I can actually just barely having the the windows open all night!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
transition, classes and recruiting
Yesterday, I had a great day and I also thought that yesterday was a huge day. Today I was proved wrong. Today was the biggest day so far, but i actually did have the chance to eat lunch and actually enjoy it. I started out the day with transition class and I ended the day with volunteering/recruiting.
As all of you know, we had the earthquake yesterday. The earthquake has disturbed us all and we are all still recovering. We started off transition class by talking about the earth's surface and how earthquakes happened. We also obviously learned about the earthquake that hit yesterday. Our teacher told us that there are no faults in virginia, but there are ancient plates that moved. we also learned about the rumbling and the s wave, which I thought was pretty neat.
After transition I had about ten or fifteen minutes to do a reading for one of my classes, which by the way I have to drop because I have too many classes. After that I went to speech class which was absolutely boring, but I hope it picks up in space and interest. It is a public speaking class after all and I love public speaking. After speech, I got to enjoy a nice lunch with mentors.
I love lunch, not only because it involves food, but because we get alone time without coaches. We are taken down to the pizza place in our building and we sit with our mentors who are peers. Eating lunch with our mentors really improves our self-esteem because we are finally placed with students who are normal and who are accepting. I felt like a normal teenager for once.
After lunch, I spent the rest of the day being a pain in the butt to my fellow college students. I got to nag them with flyers and loud voices to come be a mentor for our classes. I went through a lot of flyers because I was really out there. The volunteer fair was really good for me too because I was able to look at other volunteer opportunities and clubs. I am able to be like a normal college student and participate in normal activities. I love it!!!
Overall my college experience has been awesome. I get along with my teacher great and I hope everything continues to go as smoothly as it has so far.
As all of you know, we had the earthquake yesterday. The earthquake has disturbed us all and we are all still recovering. We started off transition class by talking about the earth's surface and how earthquakes happened. We also obviously learned about the earthquake that hit yesterday. Our teacher told us that there are no faults in virginia, but there are ancient plates that moved. we also learned about the rumbling and the s wave, which I thought was pretty neat.
After transition I had about ten or fifteen minutes to do a reading for one of my classes, which by the way I have to drop because I have too many classes. After that I went to speech class which was absolutely boring, but I hope it picks up in space and interest. It is a public speaking class after all and I love public speaking. After speech, I got to enjoy a nice lunch with mentors.
I love lunch, not only because it involves food, but because we get alone time without coaches. We are taken down to the pizza place in our building and we sit with our mentors who are peers. Eating lunch with our mentors really improves our self-esteem because we are finally placed with students who are normal and who are accepting. I felt like a normal teenager for once.
After lunch, I spent the rest of the day being a pain in the butt to my fellow college students. I got to nag them with flyers and loud voices to come be a mentor for our classes. I went through a lot of flyers because I was really out there. The volunteer fair was really good for me too because I was able to look at other volunteer opportunities and clubs. I am able to be like a normal college student and participate in normal activities. I love it!!!
Overall my college experience has been awesome. I get along with my teacher great and I hope everything continues to go as smoothly as it has so far.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Die Cutter, Earthquakes and Psychology
Today was a huge day for me. I had my first classes, had some job experience at the die cutter and there was even an earthquake. Lets just say we have had a couple pretty interesting days because we also had that thunderstorm the other day too.
Today I was taken in to school by my dad which was great because I had some alone time with him after being gone for a week. I was dropped off at my school building and headed to class. I got busy right away by recruiting students to become mentors. I did that yesterday, but there is not a lazy minute in the day where I go to school. After we did some recruiting, I had my transition class which is where we learn how to work around problems basically. I had maybe a five or ten minute break before I had to go to class.
I don't have any mentors yet so one of the para's took me to classes today. I had intro to psych and infant and child development which are both psychology courses. I loved them both. I had absolutely no time in between classes to do anything, so I had to grab a snack because I would also be missing lunch break. I went to my infant and child dev class and we even got into the curriculum today. It was very interesting.
After I was done with my classes today, I had lunch and by that time it was already one o'clock. I didn't even have to time eat lunch before I was whisked away to the die cut shop which I really enjoyed. I basically used stencils to cut out different things for teachers in my school district. I really liked it because it was very structured and you just did the same thing over and over again. My teacher said I might be able to do that again sometime. I really hope I do get to do that again.
When we were at the die cut place, our cell phones went out of service and then we were told that people were evacuated from a building on campus. That was a little weird. The reason they were evacuated was because there was some shaking of the building. Can you guess what it was from??? It was from an earthquake. In my whole life, I have never been in an earthquake, but I did feel some tremors and bounces for maybe ten to twenty seconds. I thought it was just the old building doing what old buildings do, but no and I am not crazy either. For the next forty-eight ours we will be under a earthquake watch, or so I hear. We could have aftershocks over the next couple of hours.
Overall today was an interesting day with a lot of firsts and a lot of great experiences. I was really nervous about starting college, but now I really enjoy. Every day when I come home I can't wait for the next day to come. I really didn't expect to be writing about earthquakes today, but it is part of my life and part of gods journey and life for me. :)
Today I was taken in to school by my dad which was great because I had some alone time with him after being gone for a week. I was dropped off at my school building and headed to class. I got busy right away by recruiting students to become mentors. I did that yesterday, but there is not a lazy minute in the day where I go to school. After we did some recruiting, I had my transition class which is where we learn how to work around problems basically. I had maybe a five or ten minute break before I had to go to class.
I don't have any mentors yet so one of the para's took me to classes today. I had intro to psych and infant and child development which are both psychology courses. I loved them both. I had absolutely no time in between classes to do anything, so I had to grab a snack because I would also be missing lunch break. I went to my infant and child dev class and we even got into the curriculum today. It was very interesting.
After I was done with my classes today, I had lunch and by that time it was already one o'clock. I didn't even have to time eat lunch before I was whisked away to the die cut shop which I really enjoyed. I basically used stencils to cut out different things for teachers in my school district. I really liked it because it was very structured and you just did the same thing over and over again. My teacher said I might be able to do that again sometime. I really hope I do get to do that again.
When we were at the die cut place, our cell phones went out of service and then we were told that people were evacuated from a building on campus. That was a little weird. The reason they were evacuated was because there was some shaking of the building. Can you guess what it was from??? It was from an earthquake. In my whole life, I have never been in an earthquake, but I did feel some tremors and bounces for maybe ten to twenty seconds. I thought it was just the old building doing what old buildings do, but no and I am not crazy either. For the next forty-eight ours we will be under a earthquake watch, or so I hear. We could have aftershocks over the next couple of hours.
Overall today was an interesting day with a lot of firsts and a lot of great experiences. I was really nervous about starting college, but now I really enjoy. Every day when I come home I can't wait for the next day to come. I really didn't expect to be writing about earthquakes today, but it is part of my life and part of gods journey and life for me. :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
I feel free
Today was my first day of "college" and it was awesome!!! I had a blast meeting new people and learning new things. The first half of the day was comprised of orientation stuff, meet and greet, and lunch time where we got to meet our mentors. I think this year is going to be a good year. I already got invited to a concert by one of the mentors. I feel like a real college student and I feel accepted by my peers for who I am.
I didn't go to any classes today because I am part of a special program that is for high school students ages 18-21. I am still enrolled in my local school district, but I am transported to the local campus. I have a learning support teacher who is the actual person who grades me too. Tomorrow I will start classes; I have introduction to psychology and infant and child development. I am so excited, but I don't have a mentor for them yet.
One thing that I really like about this campus experience is that even though I am considered a high school student, I still get all the same privileges as my peers. I have the freedom to come and go to and from the classroom, I have the schools currency on my student id which means I get discounts on my meals and I am able to come and go to my classes. We even have the freedom to leave the classroom to go study in a quieter location. First thing this morning my teacher actually sent me to go complete a task in the huge building that our classroom resides in. That was the first time that I was able to show her that she can trust me. I went and did and I came back. If you get separated from the group you don't get in trouble. You just meet up later.
I think this year is going to be great!!! I have already learned so much new stuff and I have only been going to college for one day. I had been worried about whether people would understand me and accept me and so far that has not been an issue. My teacher is also awesome because she knows what we are capable of and what are strengths and weaknesses are. Overall I had a great day!!!
I didn't go to any classes today because I am part of a special program that is for high school students ages 18-21. I am still enrolled in my local school district, but I am transported to the local campus. I have a learning support teacher who is the actual person who grades me too. Tomorrow I will start classes; I have introduction to psychology and infant and child development. I am so excited, but I don't have a mentor for them yet.
One thing that I really like about this campus experience is that even though I am considered a high school student, I still get all the same privileges as my peers. I have the freedom to come and go to and from the classroom, I have the schools currency on my student id which means I get discounts on my meals and I am able to come and go to my classes. We even have the freedom to leave the classroom to go study in a quieter location. First thing this morning my teacher actually sent me to go complete a task in the huge building that our classroom resides in. That was the first time that I was able to show her that she can trust me. I went and did and I came back. If you get separated from the group you don't get in trouble. You just meet up later.
I think this year is going to be great!!! I have already learned so much new stuff and I have only been going to college for one day. I had been worried about whether people would understand me and accept me and so far that has not been an issue. My teacher is also awesome because she knows what we are capable of and what are strengths and weaknesses are. Overall I had a great day!!!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thunderstorms
Every summer, we all get thunderstorms. No matter where you live in the US you will have some thunderstorms. As a child, I was scared to death of thunderstorms. I didn't overcome my fear until the summer between 9th and 10th grade. Part of the reason may have been sensory issues, but the other part was that I was finally diagnosed and being treated for an anxiety disorder. Most people that have asperger syndrome have other mental health issues, but they go undiagnosed because they can be part of the set of characteristics of autism.
Right now we are just getting out of a huge thunderstorm which did include hail. I have only ever been in a hail storm one other time in my life. That was when I was still scared of thunderstorms in general. Today was different though. Today I wasn't scare of the thunderstorm, but I have been anxious about school starting and a bunch of other stuff. I was just adjusting to moving back home after living in an apartment for a week. The hail overwhelmed me.
Sadly the characteristics that I displayed today are very uncommon for me as I normally know how to cope with the stuff I am overwhelmed by. That may be because I know the things that bother me, but hail is something new. Hail is a sound I hate. I got so overwhelmed that I started walking/running back and forth from the far end of my kitchen to the television room. For those that have never been to my house is quite a distance. I don't live in a small house by any means.
My dad also came home today from scouts. I was in the middle of my self stimulating behaviors when my dad walked in. He was quite alarmed by my behaviors because I was not only running, but I was also covering my ears and repetitively clapping trying to calm myself. My mom suggest that I go get my ipod and listen to music. Guess what? My ipod is dead because I haven't been home for a week where I could use a charger. I ended up using my moms ipod and I am still listening to it. It really calmed me down.
I think from the experience I had today, I have learned new coping tools such as using my ipod. If I am just anxious, sometimes it can be too much listening to music, but today it zoned something else out and it actually helped. These are just some of the everyday struggles that people with aspergers have. You can be fine for sometime and then autism comes to bite you in the butt and remind you that you have it still.
Right now we are just getting out of a huge thunderstorm which did include hail. I have only ever been in a hail storm one other time in my life. That was when I was still scared of thunderstorms in general. Today was different though. Today I wasn't scare of the thunderstorm, but I have been anxious about school starting and a bunch of other stuff. I was just adjusting to moving back home after living in an apartment for a week. The hail overwhelmed me.
Sadly the characteristics that I displayed today are very uncommon for me as I normally know how to cope with the stuff I am overwhelmed by. That may be because I know the things that bother me, but hail is something new. Hail is a sound I hate. I got so overwhelmed that I started walking/running back and forth from the far end of my kitchen to the television room. For those that have never been to my house is quite a distance. I don't live in a small house by any means.
My dad also came home today from scouts. I was in the middle of my self stimulating behaviors when my dad walked in. He was quite alarmed by my behaviors because I was not only running, but I was also covering my ears and repetitively clapping trying to calm myself. My mom suggest that I go get my ipod and listen to music. Guess what? My ipod is dead because I haven't been home for a week where I could use a charger. I ended up using my moms ipod and I am still listening to it. It really calmed me down.
I think from the experience I had today, I have learned new coping tools such as using my ipod. If I am just anxious, sometimes it can be too much listening to music, but today it zoned something else out and it actually helped. These are just some of the everyday struggles that people with aspergers have. You can be fine for sometime and then autism comes to bite you in the butt and remind you that you have it still.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Popping popcorn and giving hugs!!!
I love popping popcorn and giving hugs. Some of you may be wondering why the heck I love these things so much. The answer: I have aspergers which means that I also have sensory issues. There are some things that I absolutely love and some things that I absolutely hate, one being sirens, another being crowds.
As a young child I was scared of stuffed animals, so my parents tell me. I don't remember that, but I take my parents word for it. I have had many irrational fears that have come from the mere fact that I am completely cognitively normal and that I have superpowers when it comes to my senses. There is some stuff that people can't hear when it is right next to them, but I can hear when I am on a different floor of my house: the dog whistle. I can be playing the piano and still here it on a different floor.
I may be very sensitive to sounds, but I am also very sensitive to touch, in the opposite way. I love touch, but I hate sounds. I love hugs, bouncing on the trampoline, floam and many other tactile things. I could sweat if I didn't have an immune system, I would be dead by now. The other day, I am pretty sure I touched everything in the store before leaving. I could see it, but I needed to see if it felt neat. lol.
I love the sounds of popcorn. Recently I have started becoming interested in listening to "stuff". I want to listen to music like my peers and I do have a taste in music, but a lot of it can be too overwhelming with so many different pitches. I am okay with the low pitches, but high pitches drive me insane. Today I was popping popcorn in the microwave. I had it popping and I went to sit down for qa minute. i discovered I love the sound of it. I then analyzed why I love the sound because if you know me, I analyze everything. I discovered that i liked it because it had a bit of a rythm to it which was something known and it stayed around the same pitch. Each pop raised the pitch, but all the pops were the same pitch. I new what the sound was and I felt comfortable with it. I would just keep hearing pop... poppoppop. Really, sometime try listening to it. It has a nice sound.
I also love hugs. Its just a feeling right? Wrong. A hug gives pressure. I really love those nice squishy hugs that are nice and tight, but really soft. I love hugs because when i am overwhelmed, it is my ears, my back, and the top of my head that hurt. The hug takes care of the back which normally helps with everything else. If I am upset and there is no one to hug, I normally just cuddle up and it gives me the security I need. If I am in school, I will usually put pressure on my head which normally just looks like I am chilling out. That is more appropriate in the school setting. People with Aspergers not only thrive off of their senses but rely on them when others are upsetting.
There are also a couple other senses that I love. I love the trampoline because when you bounce it creates pressure. That is why people who have back injuries should not use trampolines. I love the way that you bounce and then your kneels feel the pressure and then even your back feels the pressure. It is a quick feeling, but it releases the negavite energy or over stimulation that you are experiencing. People with aspergers will be over stimulated or understimulated. If someone is over stimulated they can use an alternative stimulation to calm themselves. For instances, if a sound is bothering me the trampoline may help.
The last thing that I always think about and wish I was able to experience is the seating in some rides in amusement parks. I like amusement parks, but they can be overwhelming. I love those rides where you have that thing in between your legs and you are all fit an snug. I could sit in that forever. It is like it fits right to your body just like memory foam. I love it.
Overall people with Aspergers have sensory issues. Its just part of the condition, but as you grow you learn how to deal with it. You can also learn how to hide it from your peers which really helps with acceptance.
As a young child I was scared of stuffed animals, so my parents tell me. I don't remember that, but I take my parents word for it. I have had many irrational fears that have come from the mere fact that I am completely cognitively normal and that I have superpowers when it comes to my senses. There is some stuff that people can't hear when it is right next to them, but I can hear when I am on a different floor of my house: the dog whistle. I can be playing the piano and still here it on a different floor.
I may be very sensitive to sounds, but I am also very sensitive to touch, in the opposite way. I love touch, but I hate sounds. I love hugs, bouncing on the trampoline, floam and many other tactile things. I could sweat if I didn't have an immune system, I would be dead by now. The other day, I am pretty sure I touched everything in the store before leaving. I could see it, but I needed to see if it felt neat. lol.
I love the sounds of popcorn. Recently I have started becoming interested in listening to "stuff". I want to listen to music like my peers and I do have a taste in music, but a lot of it can be too overwhelming with so many different pitches. I am okay with the low pitches, but high pitches drive me insane. Today I was popping popcorn in the microwave. I had it popping and I went to sit down for qa minute. i discovered I love the sound of it. I then analyzed why I love the sound because if you know me, I analyze everything. I discovered that i liked it because it had a bit of a rythm to it which was something known and it stayed around the same pitch. Each pop raised the pitch, but all the pops were the same pitch. I new what the sound was and I felt comfortable with it. I would just keep hearing pop... poppoppop. Really, sometime try listening to it. It has a nice sound.
I also love hugs. Its just a feeling right? Wrong. A hug gives pressure. I really love those nice squishy hugs that are nice and tight, but really soft. I love hugs because when i am overwhelmed, it is my ears, my back, and the top of my head that hurt. The hug takes care of the back which normally helps with everything else. If I am upset and there is no one to hug, I normally just cuddle up and it gives me the security I need. If I am in school, I will usually put pressure on my head which normally just looks like I am chilling out. That is more appropriate in the school setting. People with Aspergers not only thrive off of their senses but rely on them when others are upsetting.
There are also a couple other senses that I love. I love the trampoline because when you bounce it creates pressure. That is why people who have back injuries should not use trampolines. I love the way that you bounce and then your kneels feel the pressure and then even your back feels the pressure. It is a quick feeling, but it releases the negavite energy or over stimulation that you are experiencing. People with aspergers will be over stimulated or understimulated. If someone is over stimulated they can use an alternative stimulation to calm themselves. For instances, if a sound is bothering me the trampoline may help.
The last thing that I always think about and wish I was able to experience is the seating in some rides in amusement parks. I like amusement parks, but they can be overwhelming. I love those rides where you have that thing in between your legs and you are all fit an snug. I could sit in that forever. It is like it fits right to your body just like memory foam. I love it.
Overall people with Aspergers have sensory issues. Its just part of the condition, but as you grow you learn how to deal with it. You can also learn how to hide it from your peers which really helps with acceptance.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Moving On and Out
The next two weeks are going to be huge weeks for me. This week I am at a special program that our school district has for special needs kids. Anyone who has an iep can be part of it. The program is an apartment that is located near our local college campus. Many college students rent out the apartments and the city bus comes by frequently. Many of us can't drive by ourselves and will have to rely on city transportation when we move out of the house. I have to grocery shop, plan meals, cook, clean and get along with roommates. Did I tell you I have aspergers which makes every little argument a whole lot more exaggerated and irritating??? I love it, but I have a bunch of change coming up.
I will stay in this living situation for a week. I learn out to live on my own, entertain myself, and get along with roommates. Typically I will have two roommates and a transition/job coach with me twenty-four hours a day. This is a great transition in a free yet supported environment away from my parents. Last night I actually made chicken parmesan, garlic bread, and peach cobbler. Yum!!! One large part that is very tough for me, is making my own decisions. People with aspergers are either very particular about something such as sensory issues or they have a carefree attitude. I had significant trouble with this today as we took a hike at a local environmental center. There were many trails to pick from when we were traveling. It was me and the coach while my roommate had to work. I had the day off today. There would always be two trails to pick from, yet I still didn't know which one to pick. I was lost. I was lost and anxious because I also didn't want to get lost literally. i run into this situation frequently. Fortunately when i work with my autism therapist she pushes thses things on me. We will take a walk half way around a walking lap and she will ask me if I want to keep going or if I want to turn around. I HAVE to make the decision. that was the moving on section.
Next week I will be moving on as I will be starting college. Perfect right? Well, yes it is, but it also causes a lot of anxiety and questions to appear as aspies don't like change and they also like to know what is going to happen. I will be in a learning support classroom while taking college classes. I am so excited, but disturbed or interruped by the fact that I don't have my schedule yet. School starts on Monday. I have know clue what the routine will be, or how much of the actual class curriculum I will be following because this is a special program through our school district. I do know that I will ride the bus and have a transition class in the morning. That is it, but everyone says i will do great. I am especially nervous about finding my classes and making it back to my main classroom. I like to have company. It is also a big campus to navigate which makes things a little scary. I don't want to get lost and I don't want to get in trouble.
...so we can teach you new things.
This section is just so I don't have to make another post since there is stuff I want to say and I haven't been on lately. See the explaining everything. Yup thats aspergers beating my butt.
I have said a lot about growing up and going to this apartment and this college. Those that know me may think I never stop talking about it when they are around. One thing that I have thought about is how black and white I really am. As I have been experiencing life at the apartment this week, the thought has crossed my mind. My parents always used to get so frustrated and say, "when are you going to learn, so we can teach you new things?" Well I got the answer, when I actually learn what you are saying and have some sort of emotional control. When i was little I would think they meant like teaching I dog a new trick. Maybe they were teach me a new trick like to do laundry or cut my food. The truth is I really never knew what they actually meant until i started coming to the apartment.
When I started coming tot he apartment, I thought I knew how to clean, but that I would have trouble with the cooking. I was not in reality. There is much more to that then cleaning. I thought cleaning was wiping the counter down and loading and emptying the dishwasher. lol. There is far more to life than that. Now I know that when my parents made that comment they meant to teach me about the world and how to interact. They taught me how to make good choices. They taught me there morales and beliefs. it wasn't black and white, but much more gray. That leads me to say something about making good choices.
When I was young, my parents would show me examples of people who make bad choices. They would tell me that I had to make good choices or I would end up like them. I would think that is easy, I am smart. that is all I need. Well there is much more to that too. You have to make good choices and act on them. You can choose to make your room a mess and then make the good choice to do your room. Saying that isn't going to change your room. You need to get off your lazy butt and actually do the work that needs to be put into it. Its not as simple as not smoking or not drinking. I may be black and white, but it just takes time for me to catch on to these things. I am in a phase right now where I am really discovering the real me. I am discovering who I am and what I can do with my life. I am discovering how to improve it and how to contribute to society. Black and white can be good sometimes, but there is so much to learn when you are not black and white about things.
I will stay in this living situation for a week. I learn out to live on my own, entertain myself, and get along with roommates. Typically I will have two roommates and a transition/job coach with me twenty-four hours a day. This is a great transition in a free yet supported environment away from my parents. Last night I actually made chicken parmesan, garlic bread, and peach cobbler. Yum!!! One large part that is very tough for me, is making my own decisions. People with aspergers are either very particular about something such as sensory issues or they have a carefree attitude. I had significant trouble with this today as we took a hike at a local environmental center. There were many trails to pick from when we were traveling. It was me and the coach while my roommate had to work. I had the day off today. There would always be two trails to pick from, yet I still didn't know which one to pick. I was lost. I was lost and anxious because I also didn't want to get lost literally. i run into this situation frequently. Fortunately when i work with my autism therapist she pushes thses things on me. We will take a walk half way around a walking lap and she will ask me if I want to keep going or if I want to turn around. I HAVE to make the decision. that was the moving on section.
Next week I will be moving on as I will be starting college. Perfect right? Well, yes it is, but it also causes a lot of anxiety and questions to appear as aspies don't like change and they also like to know what is going to happen. I will be in a learning support classroom while taking college classes. I am so excited, but disturbed or interruped by the fact that I don't have my schedule yet. School starts on Monday. I have know clue what the routine will be, or how much of the actual class curriculum I will be following because this is a special program through our school district. I do know that I will ride the bus and have a transition class in the morning. That is it, but everyone says i will do great. I am especially nervous about finding my classes and making it back to my main classroom. I like to have company. It is also a big campus to navigate which makes things a little scary. I don't want to get lost and I don't want to get in trouble.
...so we can teach you new things.
This section is just so I don't have to make another post since there is stuff I want to say and I haven't been on lately. See the explaining everything. Yup thats aspergers beating my butt.
I have said a lot about growing up and going to this apartment and this college. Those that know me may think I never stop talking about it when they are around. One thing that I have thought about is how black and white I really am. As I have been experiencing life at the apartment this week, the thought has crossed my mind. My parents always used to get so frustrated and say, "when are you going to learn, so we can teach you new things?" Well I got the answer, when I actually learn what you are saying and have some sort of emotional control. When i was little I would think they meant like teaching I dog a new trick. Maybe they were teach me a new trick like to do laundry or cut my food. The truth is I really never knew what they actually meant until i started coming to the apartment.
When I started coming tot he apartment, I thought I knew how to clean, but that I would have trouble with the cooking. I was not in reality. There is much more to that then cleaning. I thought cleaning was wiping the counter down and loading and emptying the dishwasher. lol. There is far more to life than that. Now I know that when my parents made that comment they meant to teach me about the world and how to interact. They taught me how to make good choices. They taught me there morales and beliefs. it wasn't black and white, but much more gray. That leads me to say something about making good choices.
When I was young, my parents would show me examples of people who make bad choices. They would tell me that I had to make good choices or I would end up like them. I would think that is easy, I am smart. that is all I need. Well there is much more to that too. You have to make good choices and act on them. You can choose to make your room a mess and then make the good choice to do your room. Saying that isn't going to change your room. You need to get off your lazy butt and actually do the work that needs to be put into it. Its not as simple as not smoking or not drinking. I may be black and white, but it just takes time for me to catch on to these things. I am in a phase right now where I am really discovering the real me. I am discovering who I am and what I can do with my life. I am discovering how to improve it and how to contribute to society. Black and white can be good sometimes, but there is so much to learn when you are not black and white about things.
Friday, August 12, 2011
A love/hate relationship
I have a love/hate relationship with my occupation. As I have grown up, I have been one of the most social and outgoing people you will ever meet, but having Aspergers challenges my personality. I have never wanted to have a desk job, but I have always wanted to work with people; I want to work with people who have developmental disabilities. That comes with a price though which is losing the ability to have time and space to myself which I sometimes need considering I have Aspergers. Everyone wants space to themselves, but people with Aspergers need it when they need it, not when it is convenient for others. For people with Aspergers, breaks are necessary to maintain sanity and not meltdown.
I have said on a number of occasions that I work at an adult daycare. Working at an adult daycare entails socializing with people for a good five hours at a time with a thirty minute lunch break. While socializing with the clients, you must being doing activities with them such as crafts and games. Maybe even a puzzle if that is what they want to do. The socializing isn't simple nor is it for the faint of heart. You are not only socializing, but constantly redirecting and aiding those who can't physically do an activity. We do this because the individuals have an interest in a particular activity and they can't be secluded because of disABILITY, which I love.
I know I am complaining a lot about work, but that is not my point. My point is that people with Aspergers need space, but they also have specific interests that they can't change. Mine is working with special needs individuals. I love it and that is what I am called to do. If you have ever heard of people with autism connecting with horses, i connect with people who have developmental disabilities. I feel like I am new to the working environment and I still have a lot to learn.
I have said on a number of occasions that I work at an adult daycare. Working at an adult daycare entails socializing with people for a good five hours at a time with a thirty minute lunch break. While socializing with the clients, you must being doing activities with them such as crafts and games. Maybe even a puzzle if that is what they want to do. The socializing isn't simple nor is it for the faint of heart. You are not only socializing, but constantly redirecting and aiding those who can't physically do an activity. We do this because the individuals have an interest in a particular activity and they can't be secluded because of disABILITY, which I love.
I know I am complaining a lot about work, but that is not my point. My point is that people with Aspergers need space, but they also have specific interests that they can't change. Mine is working with special needs individuals. I love it and that is what I am called to do. If you have ever heard of people with autism connecting with horses, i connect with people who have developmental disabilities. I feel like I am new to the working environment and I still have a lot to learn.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Saying Good Bye
When I started high school, I was really struggling. That is when we went out to seek professional help. Since then I have been on a road to recovery. When I was in the 10th grade, I had started to struggle again, but this was short lived. There were just a lot of changes going on in my life. I needed a role model or mentor to be part of my life. I wanted some there that could give me their undivided attention. That attention and that person came through Big Brothers Big Sisters. One of the best decisions I ever made, was to get a big sisters. I wish I had done it earlier.
About two years ago my mom made the call the changed my life for the better. She called our local Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. She hesitated to do this at first because our overall family circumstances are stable, but she did it for the Aspergers. I needed a real friendship. It was in the middle of December when there is no sun and its cold outside. Our case manager from Big Brothers, Big Sisters put me on a waiting list right away. I was a very easy client that needed some simple needs met. Around February, two months after we applied, we got approved to open my case and to find a Big Sister for me. I was matched just in time for my birthday.
Over the years I have done tons of stuff with my big sisters, including iceskating, baking and going out to eat just to name a few. I had some very fun times with her, but the time has come where we must go our own ways. People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes they have to leave our lives for a reason. People change and situations change. We will still be in contact, but the commitment that I need from someone is pretty strong. Since I have Aspergers, I need consistency and sadly that didn't work well for us. I need someone that can have a schedule with me. That wasn't there by the end of our partnership. We are still friends, just not sisters.
The times I had with my Big sisters were great, but I think we both have a great future ahead of us. We can't sweat the small stuff such as simple relationships. We need to follow our passions and what we really want. There was a reason for her to be here, but maybe God only wanted us to be together for a certain time. We have gone down our separate paths, I mean I am starting college now.
This summer has been a great summer, but now it is time to reflect and move on. This summer has been the most stable summer I have had since I was in Elementary School. I didn't have any emotional problems for two and half months. I am growing into a young woman and I have a lot to look forward to. I really don't know what this year holds for me, but I am excited to see what it brings and what God has in store for me. There will be clubs to join and new activities to try. I don't know, maybe I will be a mentor someday, but for now I am getting a new mentor for myself, at least for the next school year.
The past is in the past and the future is ahead of me. What will it bring???
About two years ago my mom made the call the changed my life for the better. She called our local Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. She hesitated to do this at first because our overall family circumstances are stable, but she did it for the Aspergers. I needed a real friendship. It was in the middle of December when there is no sun and its cold outside. Our case manager from Big Brothers, Big Sisters put me on a waiting list right away. I was a very easy client that needed some simple needs met. Around February, two months after we applied, we got approved to open my case and to find a Big Sister for me. I was matched just in time for my birthday.
Over the years I have done tons of stuff with my big sisters, including iceskating, baking and going out to eat just to name a few. I had some very fun times with her, but the time has come where we must go our own ways. People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes they have to leave our lives for a reason. People change and situations change. We will still be in contact, but the commitment that I need from someone is pretty strong. Since I have Aspergers, I need consistency and sadly that didn't work well for us. I need someone that can have a schedule with me. That wasn't there by the end of our partnership. We are still friends, just not sisters.
The times I had with my Big sisters were great, but I think we both have a great future ahead of us. We can't sweat the small stuff such as simple relationships. We need to follow our passions and what we really want. There was a reason for her to be here, but maybe God only wanted us to be together for a certain time. We have gone down our separate paths, I mean I am starting college now.
This summer has been a great summer, but now it is time to reflect and move on. This summer has been the most stable summer I have had since I was in Elementary School. I didn't have any emotional problems for two and half months. I am growing into a young woman and I have a lot to look forward to. I really don't know what this year holds for me, but I am excited to see what it brings and what God has in store for me. There will be clubs to join and new activities to try. I don't know, maybe I will be a mentor someday, but for now I am getting a new mentor for myself, at least for the next school year.
The past is in the past and the future is ahead of me. What will it bring???
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Hershey Park
Yesterday our family went to Hershey Park. We were each allowed to invite one friend to the park with us. For those of you who don't know what Hershey park is, its an amusement park filled with Hershey Chocolate. lol. My brother picked a friend to take and I picked a friend to take. Both friends came over Sunday night so that we could sleep in a little longer before hitting the road. The park is a bit of a drive. We have friends that live in the Harrisburg area. They also came and tagged along with us. We had a blast.
A lot of my friends are younger than me as I have posted in previous entries. The friend I chose t take along with me was three years younger than me: the same age as the friend we met up with that lives in Harrisburg. I am a bit older than them and I wanted to hang out with them. The problem is that I have Aspergers which can make it a bit tricky to deal with a group of people instead of one individual. I do much better one on one with people. If I am with more than that I can get a little bit excluded from the group. This was not the case this time thought. Fortunately I had a blast, but this I often times feel the need to share what it is like to have aspergers and how things can be portrayed differently.
One thing that I did struggle with is at the park was appropriate behavior for the the sensory input that I was receiving. I am very sensitive to noises and I am very sensitive to heat. Large crowds are not my cup of tea. During this trip I was with a group of nine by the end. The group was originally six people, but since we have friends in the Harrisburg area, we invited them to meet us. That was great, but I had to maintain my calm, include everyone, and enjoy myself. When i am in a large or unfamiliar place such as an amusement park, things can get a bit crazy for me. By the end of the evening I was feeling a bit crazy. My sensory issues were getting to me, but I had to control them so that I looked normal and could be with friends.
At the end of the day we went to chocolate world. We then went to the Hershey bakery where they have every cupcake you could ever imagine. I picked my cupcake out and headed over to the table to sit down. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my excitement, especially after a long day. I started to rock back and forth and I would stare out the window obsessing about storms coming. I also would rub my hands together in anticipation of the great cupcake I was about to get. This can be a little inappropriate when you are with your peers. By this time I start to talk in a monotonic voice with just the facts and questions. Its almost like I develop a child like voice.
Going to amusement parks are great, but they can be overwhelming. Some of the behaviors that I exhibit are not appropriate to do in public such as the rocking and hand flapping and rubbing. There is nothing physically wrong with it, but it looks awkward and makes people want to shy away. I have learned over the years that I can do such behaviors in my home, in the car with the family and if I don't feel comfortable, I can even do them in my room for that matter.
As a child I exhibited the sensory issues I have today, but I didn't start self stimming until I was in middle school. I started slowly rocking when I was in 9th grade. My mom started to notice this and she put an end to it pretty quickly. Today i have tried new ideas and instead of rocking, I will tap my foot as I actually am doing now and realizing now that i am typing this. This is absolutely appropriate to do in public because it is subtle and it is something that normal people do sometimes. When it gets on people's nerves, they tell me to stop, but it is often times a very mindless habit now. I absolutely crave movement and that is what keeps me balanced and happy.
Overall I had a great trip to Hershey, I did very well with the circumstances I was given and I managed to make it through the whole trip without getting upset.
A lot of my friends are younger than me as I have posted in previous entries. The friend I chose t take along with me was three years younger than me: the same age as the friend we met up with that lives in Harrisburg. I am a bit older than them and I wanted to hang out with them. The problem is that I have Aspergers which can make it a bit tricky to deal with a group of people instead of one individual. I do much better one on one with people. If I am with more than that I can get a little bit excluded from the group. This was not the case this time thought. Fortunately I had a blast, but this I often times feel the need to share what it is like to have aspergers and how things can be portrayed differently.
One thing that I did struggle with is at the park was appropriate behavior for the the sensory input that I was receiving. I am very sensitive to noises and I am very sensitive to heat. Large crowds are not my cup of tea. During this trip I was with a group of nine by the end. The group was originally six people, but since we have friends in the Harrisburg area, we invited them to meet us. That was great, but I had to maintain my calm, include everyone, and enjoy myself. When i am in a large or unfamiliar place such as an amusement park, things can get a bit crazy for me. By the end of the evening I was feeling a bit crazy. My sensory issues were getting to me, but I had to control them so that I looked normal and could be with friends.
At the end of the day we went to chocolate world. We then went to the Hershey bakery where they have every cupcake you could ever imagine. I picked my cupcake out and headed over to the table to sit down. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my excitement, especially after a long day. I started to rock back and forth and I would stare out the window obsessing about storms coming. I also would rub my hands together in anticipation of the great cupcake I was about to get. This can be a little inappropriate when you are with your peers. By this time I start to talk in a monotonic voice with just the facts and questions. Its almost like I develop a child like voice.
Going to amusement parks are great, but they can be overwhelming. Some of the behaviors that I exhibit are not appropriate to do in public such as the rocking and hand flapping and rubbing. There is nothing physically wrong with it, but it looks awkward and makes people want to shy away. I have learned over the years that I can do such behaviors in my home, in the car with the family and if I don't feel comfortable, I can even do them in my room for that matter.
As a child I exhibited the sensory issues I have today, but I didn't start self stimming until I was in middle school. I started slowly rocking when I was in 9th grade. My mom started to notice this and she put an end to it pretty quickly. Today i have tried new ideas and instead of rocking, I will tap my foot as I actually am doing now and realizing now that i am typing this. This is absolutely appropriate to do in public because it is subtle and it is something that normal people do sometimes. When it gets on people's nerves, they tell me to stop, but it is often times a very mindless habit now. I absolutely crave movement and that is what keeps me balanced and happy.
Overall I had a great trip to Hershey, I did very well with the circumstances I was given and I managed to make it through the whole trip without getting upset.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Professional Relationships vs. Bonding
About four years ago was when i started really suffering with the aspergers. I was heading down a bad path and now that I look back, I was definitely saved by doctors. It was the fall of 9th grade, I got into a typical fight with my brother, but it ended very poorly. I decided to not lash out on him, but I kicked a whole in a wall that was easily visible for all to see. That night I went to youth group where there were people that judge me. I was sharing the story with a good friend, and I shared with her about how mad my dad must be with me. Another girl overheard. She made me nervous and I ended up having a seizure like episode. I got really confused and my parents were called. When i got in the car, I didn't know why I was leaving or where I was going.
Shortly before this episode, I was referred to a psychiatrist considering that I had issues with social skills. I had already had seen several psychologists before, none of which were any good. The doctor felt that if I saw this psychiatrist, I would only have to see him and not a counselor too. At that point no one thought I needed medicine, but that I may need it in the future. We were lucky enough to connect with this doctor right when there was a new autism specialist coming into the office. The psychiatrist put me on medicine for anxiety and sent me to the autism specialist; the best decision we ever made.
I continued to see this doctor for a while: the autism specialist. She was new to the area and she didn't have her state license yet, which basically meant that health insurance wouldn't cover us. No problem right? Wrong. The first appointment I had with this doctor, I knew she was the right doctor for me. I never really had that strong feeling about any one else. I also ended up having a seizure like episode that day while in her office, for the first time. She was able to tell me it was definitely an anxiety attack. That was great because seizures are awful. She continued to see me with a reduced rate or affordable rate. That worked great, except for the fact that this was not covered by insurance and it got quite expensive. We started social skill groups and everything. I was back on the right track, but the family was still suffering from doctor bills.
We eventually found out that she wouldn't be licensed for another three years by our health insurance company. That would mean I would be 18 and i would have grown out of pediatric therapy or I would have moved on to college. That would not have worked. At this point there was a chance that I would have to stop seeing her because of the health insurance company. There are special ways that you can have the health insurance make a deal with the family and the doctor, but there are 80 doctors in the area that could have seen me. They didn't agree. Finally they did and I got covered appointments. I continued the social groups and was continuing to do great. I had insurance covering me, I had a doctor that looked at the whole me and life was easy.
This doctor was about to start up a group specifically for teens. This was going to happen on a Saturday, i think it was November 14th. It was cancelled. That week I had already had an appointment on monday. I went with my dad and all was good. That friday, my mom told me I had to see this doctor for some reason. I thought maybe the group was back on. Boy was i wrong. I kept giving my mom different ideas. She got suspicious when I said about this doctor moving. She wanted me to come in so that she could tell me that she had been offered a new job in a town that was about 2 hours away from our home. She was going to leave me. After all these years she was going to leave me and I wouldn't be able to talk to her. Fortunately she has come back into my life and has helped me again. We just couldn't work it out with a different doctor or therapist. She was the one for us.
That story being told, I want to share a little bit about my relationships and being a professional myself. I may not be a doctor or a therapist, but i do work with individuals who have special needs and confidentiality rights. The families do too. The other day, I was asked to exchange phone numbers with one of the clients. I would have been more than willing to do so, but I was not allowed due to work policies. I am unable to have a relationship with these individuals, but I can bond with them at work. I can provide them activities and new experiences for them, but only at the center. I feel like this is how my relationship was with the doctor I go to see. I see her as a therapist, but there is more to it than that. We get along, not just manage each other and get help.
There is a fine line between relationships and bonding. You can bond without having a relationship. You can help individuals, but have trouble socializing with them. A relationship involves getting together for fun. Bonding can be that, but it can also be as simple as knowing each other and understanding each other. Sometimes we want more. Sometimes we want to be friends, not just helpers. I feel that this is a troublesome issue with working in the medical field. The one place where I understand individuals and they understand me, is the one place that I can't do outside activities at or with.
Shortly before this episode, I was referred to a psychiatrist considering that I had issues with social skills. I had already had seen several psychologists before, none of which were any good. The doctor felt that if I saw this psychiatrist, I would only have to see him and not a counselor too. At that point no one thought I needed medicine, but that I may need it in the future. We were lucky enough to connect with this doctor right when there was a new autism specialist coming into the office. The psychiatrist put me on medicine for anxiety and sent me to the autism specialist; the best decision we ever made.
I continued to see this doctor for a while: the autism specialist. She was new to the area and she didn't have her state license yet, which basically meant that health insurance wouldn't cover us. No problem right? Wrong. The first appointment I had with this doctor, I knew she was the right doctor for me. I never really had that strong feeling about any one else. I also ended up having a seizure like episode that day while in her office, for the first time. She was able to tell me it was definitely an anxiety attack. That was great because seizures are awful. She continued to see me with a reduced rate or affordable rate. That worked great, except for the fact that this was not covered by insurance and it got quite expensive. We started social skill groups and everything. I was back on the right track, but the family was still suffering from doctor bills.
We eventually found out that she wouldn't be licensed for another three years by our health insurance company. That would mean I would be 18 and i would have grown out of pediatric therapy or I would have moved on to college. That would not have worked. At this point there was a chance that I would have to stop seeing her because of the health insurance company. There are special ways that you can have the health insurance make a deal with the family and the doctor, but there are 80 doctors in the area that could have seen me. They didn't agree. Finally they did and I got covered appointments. I continued the social groups and was continuing to do great. I had insurance covering me, I had a doctor that looked at the whole me and life was easy.
This doctor was about to start up a group specifically for teens. This was going to happen on a Saturday, i think it was November 14th. It was cancelled. That week I had already had an appointment on monday. I went with my dad and all was good. That friday, my mom told me I had to see this doctor for some reason. I thought maybe the group was back on. Boy was i wrong. I kept giving my mom different ideas. She got suspicious when I said about this doctor moving. She wanted me to come in so that she could tell me that she had been offered a new job in a town that was about 2 hours away from our home. She was going to leave me. After all these years she was going to leave me and I wouldn't be able to talk to her. Fortunately she has come back into my life and has helped me again. We just couldn't work it out with a different doctor or therapist. She was the one for us.
That story being told, I want to share a little bit about my relationships and being a professional myself. I may not be a doctor or a therapist, but i do work with individuals who have special needs and confidentiality rights. The families do too. The other day, I was asked to exchange phone numbers with one of the clients. I would have been more than willing to do so, but I was not allowed due to work policies. I am unable to have a relationship with these individuals, but I can bond with them at work. I can provide them activities and new experiences for them, but only at the center. I feel like this is how my relationship was with the doctor I go to see. I see her as a therapist, but there is more to it than that. We get along, not just manage each other and get help.
There is a fine line between relationships and bonding. You can bond without having a relationship. You can help individuals, but have trouble socializing with them. A relationship involves getting together for fun. Bonding can be that, but it can also be as simple as knowing each other and understanding each other. Sometimes we want more. Sometimes we want to be friends, not just helpers. I feel that this is a troublesome issue with working in the medical field. The one place where I understand individuals and they understand me, is the one place that I can't do outside activities at or with.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Relationships
I got in a funk today because I don't know who my friends are and who my friends should be. I am too young to have adult friends and too immature too have peers. I am also too mature to have friends that are four or five years younger than me. Those kids that are four or five years younger than me, are the ones that I am interested in. I go from this to spending time with women in their thirties, such as "friends" parents.
I also run into this problem at work too. I work at a place where I am the only teenager. All the staff at my place of work were invited to a baby shower. I can't drive, which means that my mom would have to take me on a fort-five minute drive to a baby shower and either sit in the car, go to the baby shower, or drive home and back. None of those would make sense. Am I ready to go to a baby shower or work party by myself? Am I old enough? Would it be appropriate for my mom to join me? Many questions pop up when this situation arises.
I also have an issue with have relationships with adults. I never seem to want to hang out with my peers unless they are special needs students: individuals who are in lifeskill classes. My parents have discouraged me from this because they want me to be with my neurotypical peers. They want me to be able to function in the real world. They don't want me to be looked at differently or as separated from neurotypical individuals since I am so close to being neurotypical. The strategy that I came up with, not that i thought about, is to hang out with adults. I have tons of adults in my life that are accepting of me. Acceptance automatically means a friend.
That being said leads me to discuss my general inappropriate relationship issues. I have a major problem with thinking that anyone who is nice to me is my best friend. This best friend could be a doctor, a receptionist at the doctors office, or someone who I have just met. There was even one time where I thought that a soccer mom of a soccer player on my brothers soccer player was my friend and my moms too. Have I seen her since soccer? No.
This whole relationship issue comes up all the time. Who are my friends???
I also run into this problem at work too. I work at a place where I am the only teenager. All the staff at my place of work were invited to a baby shower. I can't drive, which means that my mom would have to take me on a fort-five minute drive to a baby shower and either sit in the car, go to the baby shower, or drive home and back. None of those would make sense. Am I ready to go to a baby shower or work party by myself? Am I old enough? Would it be appropriate for my mom to join me? Many questions pop up when this situation arises.
I also have an issue with have relationships with adults. I never seem to want to hang out with my peers unless they are special needs students: individuals who are in lifeskill classes. My parents have discouraged me from this because they want me to be with my neurotypical peers. They want me to be able to function in the real world. They don't want me to be looked at differently or as separated from neurotypical individuals since I am so close to being neurotypical. The strategy that I came up with, not that i thought about, is to hang out with adults. I have tons of adults in my life that are accepting of me. Acceptance automatically means a friend.
That being said leads me to discuss my general inappropriate relationship issues. I have a major problem with thinking that anyone who is nice to me is my best friend. This best friend could be a doctor, a receptionist at the doctors office, or someone who I have just met. There was even one time where I thought that a soccer mom of a soccer player on my brothers soccer player was my friend and my moms too. Have I seen her since soccer? No.
This whole relationship issue comes up all the time. Who are my friends???
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Aspergers isn't a choice, but dealing with it is
Aspergers is a condition that you are physically born with. Its not a condition you get from doing anything such as eating the wrong thing or making stupid choices. its also not something that the mother can control like a mother drinking while pregnant. Aspergers is a social disorder that impairs ones ability to make friends and is of an unknown origin.
There are some days that I just want to say that I hate Aspergers and that I wish I was born differently and without struggles. I then always have to remind myself that there are others out there that are struggling with more than I am struggling with. Everyone has there own struggles, they may just be different. When I used to verbally tell people that I had asperger syndrome, they would tell me that god made me the way he wanted me. He knew that I was the only one that would be able to handle my very own situation that I am dealt with. I do believe this is very true and this is also something to live by.
Another thing that I have to focus on is the fact that I can mope and throw myself a pity party or I can go on with life and do stuff with it. In some ways having aspergers means I have even more potential than the average human being because I have a specific interest. Often times these interests can lead to a strong career path that one has a passion for. The only restriction to the plus side is that I have less in common with other individuals. Having restricted interests means that I like fewer things so I have to be more particular about common interests than the general public.
I guess I am rambling on a bit, but I always struggle with having asperger syndrome, yet I know its not a disability, but it is a disABILITY or a gift. I need to live my life the way that makes me happy. I need to live with passion instead of sadness. I need to LIVE my life not just deal with it!!!
There are some days that I just want to say that I hate Aspergers and that I wish I was born differently and without struggles. I then always have to remind myself that there are others out there that are struggling with more than I am struggling with. Everyone has there own struggles, they may just be different. When I used to verbally tell people that I had asperger syndrome, they would tell me that god made me the way he wanted me. He knew that I was the only one that would be able to handle my very own situation that I am dealt with. I do believe this is very true and this is also something to live by.
Another thing that I have to focus on is the fact that I can mope and throw myself a pity party or I can go on with life and do stuff with it. In some ways having aspergers means I have even more potential than the average human being because I have a specific interest. Often times these interests can lead to a strong career path that one has a passion for. The only restriction to the plus side is that I have less in common with other individuals. Having restricted interests means that I like fewer things so I have to be more particular about common interests than the general public.
I guess I am rambling on a bit, but I always struggle with having asperger syndrome, yet I know its not a disability, but it is a disABILITY or a gift. I need to live my life the way that makes me happy. I need to live with passion instead of sadness. I need to LIVE my life not just deal with it!!!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Connecting two worlds!!!
Over the years I have watched documentaries about autism and I have read books about autism. I have even been to the National Autism Conference at Penn State. One thing that always comes up as a treatment for autism is joining the autistic individuals world. An example of this would be rocking like they rock.
Today I was sitting in the car having a conversation with my mother. My mom and I get along very well with either MOST of the time. Today we had a little disagreement. I had said something. She then said something and I said that is what I have been trying to tell you. she then replied with "No you said this, I heard you and this is what you said". She was very determined to get the last word and to correct me. I got very upset. Later on she told me that she was just doing what I always do to her. I must always have the last word. This may be one of the reasons I have so much trouble getting along with others.
Individuals who have classic autism may need behavioral therapy such as that. They don't have the cognitive skills to think someone is annoyed with them or making fun of them. People with Aspergers know that they are different and they know they have stuff to work on. A good way to work with individuals like me is to make me aware of my behaviors, but don't mimick them. Mimicking is for those that need aren't aware of the behaviors they need to change and that are in there own world to a point where they can't function. The thought that may cross their mind is that someone is also doing the same thing as me, why don't I socialize or interact with them. I interact, i socialize; sometimes i just don't know how to do so.
Today I was sitting in the car having a conversation with my mother. My mom and I get along very well with either MOST of the time. Today we had a little disagreement. I had said something. She then said something and I said that is what I have been trying to tell you. she then replied with "No you said this, I heard you and this is what you said". She was very determined to get the last word and to correct me. I got very upset. Later on she told me that she was just doing what I always do to her. I must always have the last word. This may be one of the reasons I have so much trouble getting along with others.
Individuals who have classic autism may need behavioral therapy such as that. They don't have the cognitive skills to think someone is annoyed with them or making fun of them. People with Aspergers know that they are different and they know they have stuff to work on. A good way to work with individuals like me is to make me aware of my behaviors, but don't mimick them. Mimicking is for those that need aren't aware of the behaviors they need to change and that are in there own world to a point where they can't function. The thought that may cross their mind is that someone is also doing the same thing as me, why don't I socialize or interact with them. I interact, i socialize; sometimes i just don't know how to do so.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The job search begins........Again!!!T
Tonight I got a phone call from my new teacher. She wanted to know what my work schedule is and how I plan on working and managing school. The program I am involved in requires you to maintain a paid/volunteer job. I have had a wonderful job all summer, but the place I work is only a day program. Shucks!!!
School starts in 3 weeks. I have several options. One is that I continue working where I am working 1 or 2 half days a week while being at school the rest of the time. The second option is finding a new job!!! Considering the fact that I start school in 3 weeks, this is staring to become a rush situation. My teacher did suggest work at Michael's, a local craft store. As of right now I have very little time to think about it. We will see what happens.
School starts in 3 weeks. I have several options. One is that I continue working where I am working 1 or 2 half days a week while being at school the rest of the time. The second option is finding a new job!!! Considering the fact that I start school in 3 weeks, this is staring to become a rush situation. My teacher did suggest work at Michael's, a local craft store. As of right now I have very little time to think about it. We will see what happens.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Growing weeds and blossoming flowers
Have you ever heard the phrase children grow like weeds? Well children grow like weeds and aspies blossom like flowers
This summer I have grown a lot. During the school year there is a lot of stress and a lot of stuff to manage. During the summer you have more time to actually work on growing. As I have grown up, I have obviously had trouble with my social skills. During this time I have discovered that my social/emotional skills have growth spurts just like your body does or a weed does. Instead of growing though you are blossoming with social skills, personality and friendships.
When i was younger or should I say last school year I was still having temper tantrums like a two year old. Since the school year has ended, I have not had one meltdown. This is a record for me and I hope it continues. When I say to myself that I haven't had a temper tantrum for a while, I normally end up having one the next day. Not this summer though. That is one example of me blossoming.
Often times we are constantly trying to work on my interrupting. For those of you that know me, my interrupting is awful no matter how hard I try. From this experience I have also learned that we can't always get what we ask for even if it doesn't involve money. Somethings that we want involve decisions made by God. We always ask for no interrupting, but this summer God wanted to give me a better relationship with my mom and no melt downs. I know all teenagers have struggles with there mothers, but I am proud to say that I think those days are over. Maybe the next thing that god will give me is the ability to learn how to not interrupt. As of right now I have skills he has given and skills he has let me learn. There are some skills I work on day in and day out that I just don't get. In time I will blossom into a full blown garden of flowers. It just takes time and maybe this is just how god made me.
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