The other week I had posted about my mom having a fit because I am growing up too fast. At that point I was very proud of my accomplishments, but now I feel that I am growing up too fast for myself. Some things that have changed lately are my ability to express myself which has come with this blog, getting my driver's license, going to college, and living on my own.
Two years ago or I mean six months ago, I was having tantrums at least once a week. Yes, I admit I had trouble. I was probably crying everyday for some reason or another. I was going through a horrible time, but over the past six months that has changed. As soon as I left high school, I felt free and I became a shooting star. This may have been that I was having communication problems with one of my teachers. This person didn't get me and I didn't get her. Even though it was unintended on her part, it had an emotional impact on me and impeded my growth. Now a tantrum every month is unusual. Not to mention, this blog has opened me up and has taught me about myself.
The other week I had posted about my mom having a heart attack about driving with me. Today, I went on the bypass with her in the car. I felt that my dad was about ready to explode, but my mother was actually quite calm. I did a great job and was focused, but sometimes I feel that there are too many big things coming up at once. Growing is tough and sometimes there is a lot to take in. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am getting my drivers license and learning to live on my own all at once. Granted I have been going to an apartment for over a year for a week here and there, but I am taking the next step at the apartment and I am being evaluated this week!!!
If you follow my blog to any extent, you know that I am a college student and that this year is my first year. I am taking three classes including a psychology class which I love. I think college is a great experience for me, but sometimes it leaves me thinking I am more capable of taking care of myself than I am. For instance, I had to pack and move out for a week; more on that later. My mom was constantly reminding me what I needed to pack. She was reminding me of stuff I knew to pack, but when it came time to leave, I was still missing half my stuff. This happens because I have trouble with executive functioning. I thought I was capable of packing, but obviously I needed more reminder than I thought, and I gave my mom some attitude. Now, don't get me wrong, I have grown a lot, but I still have a lot more growing to do.
As I said above, I am learning to live on my own and I love it because it makes me feel good, but my past has gotten in my way. The communication problem I had last year still left me emotionally affected. I feel like there is still a burden on my shoulder. I have done a great job in my assisted living place, but I have this feeling all the time that I am going to be yelled at about something because I'm being misunderstood. I know I am not, but because this has happened other times I been in the apartment, I am scared its going to happen again. I have this tension right now because I have a fear. I am not going to die, but I have False Emotions Appearing Real. I really hate fear. I know this week I will do great and I plan on working hard with no attitude no matter what.
Overall, I feel that there is a lot going on, but I know that life is not going to get easier from here on out. I told my mother that I was a weird point in life and she told me I was a drama queen, but I am at a weird point. I don't know how old my friends should be and I am not following the curriculum in my classes to a T because of the program I am in. I know there will always be stresses in life, but we just get better at dealing with them. I need to stay positive and not tell myself that life will get easier because it won't!!!
I think I will leave you hear to think. I think its a lot to take in. Laugh out loud.
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