Today has given me a lot too think about. Easily put, it has been a rough day, but that's not what matters. What matters, is how I handle each and every situation that is handed to me. This week I am staying at an apartment where you learn to live on your own. You are responsible, for cooking cleaning and time management which means using an alarm clock.
The cooking and cleaning I am getting the hang of, but the alarm clock is a different story. I absolutely hate using an alarm clock and that maybe because I am black and white and read all over. Yes, let me explain. In my mind this makes perfect sense and sounds clever.
I always feel that I am so black and white and this can become a problem in several situations. Many people think this may have to do with sarcasm, but it has to do with much more. Being black and white affects your ability to change rules and be flexible. This week I have had to be flexible with the alarm clock which has really bothered me.
Aspergers can look like a lot of different things such as OCD, ADHD, and anxiety disorder. My seems to present with all of these. I have had a diagnosis of all of these in the past except for OCD, but I feel that the OCD affects me the most. I always get obsessive about time an weather which is why the alarm clock bothers me. It doesn't help that I don't sleep well when I am away from home.
When I am away from home, my anxiety sky rockets which leaves me constantly scared of what is going to happen. If I am at a hotel with my family I get scared by screaming, sirens and any unfamiliar sound that I hear, which could even be the ice machine down the hall.
As stated above, this week I am at the apartment and I have the typical anxiety and I also have to worry about waking up on time. I always worry that if I don't it will become a burden for my future. I feel that if I don't listen to the alarm clock that is one more x I get on my report card to go further in life. I know its something I can still work on, but I want that goal to be completed.
Sometimes said alarm clock doesn't turn on in the morning because I forgot to turn it back on. This causes me to wake up all night long to check the time. This is where there is the black and white and read all over. I read into things way to much and my world is structured by black and white rules. I am supposed to wake up at a certain time, by golly I wake up at that certain time. I read into this too much by constantly obsessing over the time.
There are definitely pros and cons to this though. I can stay awake all night so that I can pay attention to time and wake up on time or I can sleep through the night and actually get a healthy night sleep. Then the question appears about whether I should sleep with the risk of getting lectured in the morning or staying up all night and being grumpy with my roommates. I think tonight I will sleep all night because I really need it, but that is really hard.
People often have myths about autism that we are blunt, boring and unsocial. I am blunt, but I am social and entertaining. I love to make people laugh. Sometimes it may look like I don't struggle because I am so high functioning, but the autism does come out in its mysterious ways. With time there is know gray!!! :)
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