stability

   When you are talking about mental illnesses, it is a great thing to hear that someone is stable, but as I have grown up with aspergers and an anxiety disorder, stability has coined a new meaning. Due to the fact that I fixate on my disability, I also fixate on my stability which in turn can lead to me talking about it in front of my mother and sometime even friends who are around me a lot. This may even be with my mothers coworkers which can be inappropriate.

   Lately I have been thinking about how stable I am as I am planning on going over to my1cent's house sometime in the near future for a night or possibly a weekend. I always worry about whether people know how to react to me if I am to have a meltdown or possibly even a panic attack. Right now I would have to say that I am on the cusp of being stable; I am on the greener grass rather than the brown grass, but I have been that way for about two months.

   Over the past few months, I have looked at stability differently. When I was in middle school, I wasn't stable under any guidelines and I needed help. I was having daily panic attacks and fights with kids in school. I would throw a tantrum at the sound of a siren, a clap of thunder or if something was changed such as a schedule. Today, I am much more stable than that, but I could still be more stable.

   Over the summer, there was a lot of social an emotional growth in my life which lead to a very stable time. I was tantrum free, crying free, and all around happy go lucky. Around the start of school, I started crying again. I didn't start with tantrums, but I started crying. In my definition of stable now, I consider crying unstable.

   Look at it this way. Someone with typical epilepsy is stable if they never have seizures while on medicine, but someone with intractable epilepsy is s stable if they don't have a seizure for maybe two or three days.  Thats how I look at my stability. Stability is defined by where you start off and where you are after treatment has started. Stability is the best you have been since treatment has started. Right now I cry every once in a while and have a panic attack here and there, but I don't have meltdowns. Six months ago this was stable, now its not and I need to work harder on controlling my emotions.

just something to think about. Stability is not just for those with severe issues, but it is for those that have made leaps and bounds and need to stay on track!!!

harmful honesty

   Sometimes being honest can also be harmful. I know that must sounds like drama, but today I started crying because I was being honest. As a child I grew up being very gullible and as an adult I stick to rules. This means that if mom tells me that I don't get presents unless I write a letter to Santa, then I don't get presents.

    Today was one of those days. My grandmother is in town and its the end of october. She normally comes for a week each month. I didn't see her in september, but I did get to see her this month. Next month she plans on visiting the other side of the family around this time for Thanksgiving. This means that the next time I see her will be Christmas. Fortunately, she will be coming to see a concert with us and to celebrate an early thanksgiving, but I was worried for a bit.

   Having my grandmother leaving now and not coming back for a while had got me thinking about christmas. As a child I was always told to write a list and then write a letter to Santa Claus. If we didn't believe in him, we didn't get presents, If we didn't write a letter to him, we didn't get presents. Today I asked my mom if I really had to write a letter since I was getting older and I didn't know what I wanted. She told me that I had to if I wanted presents. This set me off into tears and confusion.

   You'd think that things wouldn't get me so much, but I admit I am selfish and lazy. I started crying because I honest to goodness didn't know what to write and I felt that I was running out of time. I really wanted christmas presents because I am that selfish. The christmas presents that I get from my parents aren't sufficient enough for me. I still need presents from Santa Claus. I have a feeling that the year santa doesn't come is going to be tough, but I will survive.

   After I started crying, I was told to maybe just not write a letter and see what happens. My grandmother stepped in and assured me that I would get presents. I still had my heels dug in that if I didn't write something, I wouldn't get presents. Sometimes my honesty gets in harms way when I believe something to strongly. My parents also assured me that I don't typically write my list until two weeks before christmas anyway. lol. This really hurt today because I wanted presents and I didn't want to be lazy, but I honestly didn't know what I wanted and what to do.

Happiness

   Well perfect timing for this blog as I just posted expression of emotions yesterday. Today I want to dig a little deeper and talk about how I express happiness. Yesterday, I explained that my emotions are very exuberant. Well lets just say my happiness was outrageous today, but there was anxiety as well.  Maybe I shouldn't say axniety, but anticipation.

   If you saw someone in a passenger seat of a car today clapping there hands, it was probably me. Yup, I get that excited, but don't worry, I know how to control it when I have to, or at least if I am prompted to when I have to. In general, I know that if I am just with my family, its okay.

   Every Friday, I come home around 3:30 where as any other day, I don't get home until at least four, if not five or six, sometimes even eight. Yes, despite the fact that I have few friends, I do keep myself busy. My mom did just get a new employee who I absolutely love, but I only get to see her on friday's because I am so darn busy. I have a van that drops me off at my house where everyone works. I have been getting very anxious on fridays as I anticipate seeing my moms new employee's car when I get home. Will I see it? Did I miss her? Did she come today???

   This has been an ongoing problem or more of a situation for a while. Before she started working for my mom, I would only see her every couple of months. Now I anticipate seeing her on fridays. When I come home on fridays, I take off my shoes and go down to greet this employee with a huge hug. Today she heard me tromping down the stairs and said oh thats J. She got out of her chair with her arms wide open. Last week she told me she was pleased to get her J fix. This week she was pleased to see her favorite person ever. Those simple words mean so much.

   When I went to give her the hug, I was extremely excited and I must of said bye to her about five times today as I left for the gym. She makes me so happy and when that anticipation and anxiety turns into happiness, I get really hyper an exuberant. I feel this huge relief and maybe a little giddy.

   After I went to greet my moms employee, I had to get ready to go again so I could get to the gym. I know to get changed, but I never know where my pants are. I get changed and head out. As we are driving down the road, my mother announces to me that there is a possibility of adopting a kitten and maybe even tomorrow. As she is describing this I am still thinking about my1cent. Lets just call my moms employee that for right now. My mom tells me that I get to meet someone tomorrow and that she is this size and her name is stella. I am a nerd and I automatically think she is a primordial dwarf or a premature baby we are helping.

   She lets me know that this something is a kitten and that her name is stella. I am already crazy over my1cent, but then my mother tells me about stella. This is when I start clapping my hands and asking questions. I totally missed that she was black. There is no problem with the color black, other than the last cat to die was black.

   I later land my self in the gym, where its confirmed that I totally have a new stim as no matter how much I move, I want to shake my head no. Its not like a no as much at it is a continuously repetitive behavior that has been going on ever since I met temple grandin. Something must have changed that night. I really felt very uncomfortable at the gym, but I made it through like a champ and came to find that I was just tired and over excited.

    I continue to obsess over my1cent and this kitten, but my1cent gets better everyday. My mom assures me that as soon as I feel secure that this is where she is and that she is here to stay, I will start to ease. I definitely feel this is true.

Expression of emotions

   When I tell people I have Aspergers, they give me this look as if to say that it sure doesn't look like you have it. Aspergers is very different in girls and even more uniquely represented in each individual. Today I want to talk to you about how my emotions play a role in my diagnosis and why some people get very confused as well as why we don't have personality at times.

   The one thing that held me back from receiving the Aspergers Diagnosis as a child was my personality and my emotions. I have always had personality which seems to be the leading cause of people being confused with my condition. I do have personality, but my emotions are quirky. When someone thinks about aspergers, they think about someone who shows no emotion and a flat voice. This is very untrue.

   If I feel a certain way I will show it to you and you may be a little intimidated. Every person is uniquely made whether you have aspergers or you are normal. No one is normal so you shouldn't think a diagnosis is normal either. Just because someone has a disability, doesn't mean that they are normal compared to anyone else with that disability. We are all unique.

   When people come across me, they see someone who is bright, kind and talkative. I may talk a lot about myself, but I talk a lot. I also show my emotions and sometimes it can be to the extreme. Instead of putting a smile on my face when I am happy, I laugh and jump up and down. Instead of making a facial expression when I am unhappy, I cry, yell, and sometimes even become a little aggressive, but that has faded as I have gotten older.

   People may be confused by my emotions, but they have autistic tendencies. The worst part of people misunderstanding me there inability to be patient. Most people who come in contact with me,  get to know me and the aspergers is in the background. When the aspergers comes out, they have forgotten about it and get frustrated with me because they think I should know better.

   Now I am not saying that I should use my aspergers as an excuse or I can't do stuff that normal people can do. I also am not sharing that i think the whole world needs to know about my aspergers. My point is that I think people should know about my aspergers and accept the fact that I have it before they regret what they say or do. I don't think aspergers should be the only thing about me, but it is something that makes me special and that people need to understand and watch out for. I need to watch it myself, but can you blame me if I make a mistake.

   I know we all make mistakes, but this is just something to think about. I feel this problem is all to real in my life. when I tell you I have aspergers, don't shove it off to the side and tell me I don't have it because I do and I am proud of it. It may be harmful in some ways, but its helpful in others. Aspergers isn't a bad thing, so don't tell me I don't have it as if it is a negative think. Understand that I have it and I may act out if I am overwhelmed. I don't process stuff the same way as you do and I don't understand emotional vocabulary in the same way as you. If I think someone is frustrated, it doesn't mean mad it means stressed or annoyed.

   Just to clear up some confusion, I would also like to explain to you why people with aspergers sometimes don't have personality. People with autism rely on there senses for information than anyone else. We all learn through them, but we don't depend on them on a regular basis. Our senses make up our world more than our emotions make it which is opposite of a neurotypical. If our senses our out of whack we get overwhelmed. If we are overwhelmed, we just need to focus on functioning and communicating. At this point who cares about personality when you are just trying to function. Controlling our senses is more important.

Next time you see someone who has aspergers think about this

The General is Here

   I am not speaking literally right now when I say the general is here, but I am talking about a much bigger topic that affects those with disabilities. It doesn't just affect those with aspergers, but people with disabilities in general and that is invitations. Invitations are so hard to get for someone with a disability.

   Have you ever seen The Middle? The Middle is a show that airs on wednesday nights, on ABC. I think its a channel that anyone with basic cable gets. The show is about a typical middle class family that lives in The United States. There are three kids, each with different personalities. They have two boys and a girl.

    The girl is really quirky and I guess you could say she has the girl version of aspergers, but it has never been disclosed in the show. My parents say that I am like the girl in many ways and I definitely do agree. I have absolutely no style and I am very exuberant yet let down at many times. I am also rarely invited to social events. This show has a character that represents everyone in an american family.

   The older boy is similar to my brother. The typical boy who wants nothing to do with the family and comes up the the corniest of ideas. The one who gives you attitude, unless they have started the conversation. This boy is the classic  teenager.

   Then there is brick. We can never forget about brick. Brick has many social quirks and I believe he portrays a boy with aspergers, but I could be very wrong. He always has his head in a book. has no friends and whispers under his breath.

   The point that I am trying to get at though involves the girl in this family. Due to her quirks, she isn't very popular. I have gone through many of the same situations she has gone through, including not sitting at the cool table at lunch. I will never forget fifth grade, but that is another story for another blog entry.

   Too often, the sweetest and most outgoing yet quirky individuals are left out. People with disabilities have emotions and want to have friends. I believe that people have to understand that they need to give us a chance to show who we really are. I feel like to often, we are only invited to the events that for the GENERAL PUBLIC. Yup all the parties that Sue went to were for everyone, but she thought she was cool.

   The parties we are invited to, are miracles. We get excited over the GENERAL parties because we don't know what is really out there. We don't have friends that care enough to invite us to them, let alone invite us to come over. Its something that individuals with special needs struggle with and something we need to change.

Enjoy It While Your Young

   As a child, I was probably the most enthusiastic child when it came to birthdays. I think when I was young, I would be planning by birthday now when its not even until next year!!! When I would share that I had a birthday coming up, people would always tell me to enjoy it when your young. I didn't really understand for several reasons.

   One reason I didn't understand is because you can be what you want to when you grow up. You can do whatever you want. I had this picture in my head of me being an elementary school teacher giving everyone individual attention and giving grades. Grades are something structured in my life.

   My point right now is that I am just learning that you really do have to enjoy stuff when you are young. As I grow older, there are more and more changes that come my way. Now some of those changes are good and some of those changes are positive, but very sad. One of which is moving off to college.

   When I was younger, college would be a discussion, but it was a scratch the surface conversation. Truth be told now, my parents didn't even know if I would live on my own. My parents and I have been talking a lot about college lately though. We think I will be ready next school year.

   In June, when I signed up for the program I am in right now, I was emotionally not ready for college. When I actually started the program, I was ready for college, and I still think I am. My parents and my doctor have had the conversation with me lately. I'm starting to think about the application process, but there are some negative things that come along with moving off to college; you lose some things.

   The program I am apart of lasts for three years depending on the individual. I have the option to go for three years or two years for that matter, but I plan on going one. The other day I had a conversation with my dr. and she was telling me that she thinks I will be ready to, but along with that comes some other changes. She doesn't know if she will still be able to treat me, because she is a school psychologist. Lets just be a little dramatic right here and say that I think I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder from the number of doctors I have seen for my autism.

   In ninth grade, I was referred to a psychological association where I went to see someone for my anxiety disorder and autism. At the time we didn't know I had anxiety and thought I just had a seizure disorder. Low and behold I have anxiety. That doctor referred me to someone who specializes in talk therapy for autism. That was and is the person I am still seeing to this day. I feel that this doctor has helped me so much.

   When my doctor had to move to Clearfield for a position that would help her pay for college, I stopped seeing her because the drive would be too far. It was the most dreadful year of my life when she moved as she had helped me so much. I had seen other providers before, but with no success. When she moved, she referred me to someone else which didn't go well either. It wasn't her fault at all, but the personalities didn't match. I landed myself in the Clearfield office.

   With the transition to college, I feel lost. I hate having the option to stay three years. The doc told me she didn't know if she could see me after I graduated because she didn't know if she could help me, but I don't know where to turn if I need help. At this stage I don't want to see any one else and quite frankly I am scared that if I try someone else it won't work again. This is called learned helplessness. I almost want to go to school another year for the mere fact that I will get the sam psychological support, but obviously that would be a stupid reason. The supports I have gotten over the years have been great, but I know I need to move on even though I am scared.

Your a bit too touchy

   This week, my mom had a new employee start at her business. This individual just so happens to be someone that I have known for a quite a while so I really like her and am glad to have her added to our family, but I must say that I have probably driven her nuts this week. I am way too touchy, not as in particular about stuff, but just tactile.

   Today, I came down to the office to offer her a piece of cake. I first had to give her a hug because I love tactile input. From previous experience, she knows that she will likely get a hug from me when she sees me. After I came down she started trying to show me something cool on her desk. I must have not only noticed about five things first, but touched them first. I didn't notice until afterward that I had to touch everything. It ended up being a plastic decorative mat sitting on her desk, but I had to touch all sorts of cool things first.

   This is a short blog, but I feel this is an important subject concerning sensory issues. Not only do I not realize the social mistakes I make until afterwards, but I do the same with sensory issues too. I didn't realize how many things I had to touch on her desk until afterward, but it was natural to me

Taking Gods Lead

   As a child, there were many different things that I wanted to be when I grew up including a carpenter, a teacher, an actress, and now an occupational therapist, but I feel that god has other plans. The one occupation that stuck in my head for quite some time as a child, was to be an elementary school teacher. I thought that grading was so fascinating, but people told me that, that was too unstructured. I was told to pick something like a librarian, but then my interests really started to show.

   I know the other week I told you all that I hate being told I can't do something because of a disability. I never took that to heart when I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I just new I needed to work harder and that I could still do it. One suggesting that hit the right spot in my heart was to be an occupational therapist. I was able to help people who had a disability and people new I had a passion for it. There it was, a dream job that we all agreed on.

   Today I still want to be an occupational therapist, but I need to think about whether that is what god wants me to do. I still plan on applying to college and getting a degree, but at the same time, god is telling me something else. I feel that it is important to work hard at something you want to do, but never put 100 percent of all your effort into something in case you don't like it. I have been fortunate for other doors to open up.

   The occupational therapy job is still a possibility, but when I say god is leading me somewhere else, I mean that he is giving me options that are too good to be true. I am getting offers for other ideas without even trying. If you want to do something you need to try, but if god wants you to do something, it does take work, but it comes more naturally. At this point I am being drawn towards public speaking and writing a book.

   These two things don't come from liking fame, but the mere fact that I am getting attention that makes others happy and lets me know there is more out there.  I am not trying to get this attention, but people are giving it to me. This blog has gained attention from my doctors and from there bosses. This blog has been shared through emails. I have been invited for three short speaking engagements in the past two months. I am at a loss right now.

   The other option is to become an author. Many have told me that I connect the two worlds: the autism world and the normal world. People have loved my writing which has lead to me wanting to right a book and others to want me to speak. I think this is a time to pray and let myself go with the flow.

Teenage drama or I mean literature

   As an individual with aspergers, I think in terms of rules and words. I use my words to control my world. One word that I use pretty strongly is the word teen. If you are a legal adult who is eighteen or you are thirteen, in my mind, you are a teen. When I go to the book store I am a teen.

   Tonight my mother took me to the bookstore as this a is a place that feels peaceful and happy to me. It is calm and somewhere that I like to look around, but I have problems with it. My problem is that I use the word teenager too strongly. I automatically want to go to the teen section of the store because I am a teen, but I know that I hate the teen section. I hate the teen section because i don't care to read about relationships. They don't make sense.

   Now before I get anyone too confused, I do like to socialize. I love to socialize and some consider me to be the butterfly. I am always bubbly. I love to socialize, but I have trouble with socializing and I continue to struggle with relationships. Any sort of relationship is tricky for me but I really don't need to read about it. Why can't they have a young adult section with a mixture of classics, non-fiction and who knows what else? Anything, but boys.

   As I have said in the past, I am developmentally two years behind which means that I am just getting into boys. I have friends or at least a few. I like having people to talk to and its a miracle if I actually connect with anyone because I am just that quirky, but I don't get how to make those friendships. If I don't get the relationships in the normal way, how am I supposed to enjoy reading about boys? That wouldn't be a break at all. I thought reading was supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable.

   Now I am interested in boys, but I just want one. I want to go out there and pick a guy who cares about me. There is a part of me that is interested in guys, but I am not crazy. It is astounding how many girls just go crazy. I really just need a guy who cares about me. People always say that the world can't change for me so I have to change for the world. Well sometimes there are things that you can't change and that guy better like me for that.

Santa Claus

Since, its nearing the holidays I thought I would share a little bit about how I perceived Santa Claus. Its interesting the stuff I didn't share with my parents. This just shows how an aspie views the world and that we are very intelligent despite our lack of social skills.


Santa Claus Snapshot
Questions

1. How will I know whether or not to get my children presents when they are kids if I don't know if santa claus is real?
    Most kids by the time they are 10 no longer believe in Santa Claus or at least that is my experience, Maybe its younger or maybe its older. Either way they don't believe, but for some reason I believed much longer tan my peers did and I think my parents were proud of that. They got to the point where they told me that if I don't believe in Santa Claus, then I won't get presents and that I shouldn't tell my peers that I don't believe.
   As a child, I believed in whatever my parents told me. To be perfectly honest I was scared to admit to my parents that I didn't believe or that in some ways I agreed with my friends because I wouldn't get presents. I might have even told my friends that you don't get presents if you don't believe. One year my friend got a backpack for christmas and I asked if santa gave it to her. she said know santa doesn't come to my house. My parents give me gifts. I was in SHOCK
    Around late elementary, early middle school, I finally had to come to some conclusion as to whether this guy was real or not. I had this feeling that I was going to have kids in my near future and I needed to know. What if my kids didn't get presents? There isn't an instruction manual for parents. I had those intellectual thoughts because of my honesty. Now that I am older, I realize that I would be doomed for life whenever my boyfriend or spouse found out that I still believed. How would he tell me it wasn't true? How would we get gifts for our kids? Would my husband be embarrased?

2. Why does Santa Leave his spot at the Mall?
     Santa Claus has a house at my mall. If he is on working duty, he must be at his spot. I never saw him wandering the mall. I would always ask my parents why he wasn't at his spot. Due to my lack of empathy and looking at the bigger picture, I didn't think that he needed to eat or that he needed to use the restroom. I thought that he lived there and that was it. I didn't realize that people actually got breaks. I didn't know anything about work, but I knew that santa should be there for me.

3. How can Santa be here, the north pole and other malls?
    Santa Claus lives at the north pole doesn't he? Well yes he does, but he needs to visit my mall. He also has to visit other malls so that other kids don't get left out. My mothers excuse: Santa claus doesn't come to your mall, his elves do. Really? Then who is making my toys or does he just have a couple elves come out. I kind of let it that and took her answer. Also, I thought elves were short.

4. The honest truth is that Santa Claus doesn't drive in a sleigh, but in a red convertable with red and white stripes.
    Well the truth is that deer don't fly and that there is know sleigh, but I was very surprised to find this out. When I was in elementary school santa would always come to my house before christmas to ask me exactly what we wanted. It actually got to the point where we knew he wasn't real, but it was tradition. My parents cut him out of our life then. At the end of the visit when he leaves we normally go to the back door to watch his sleigh leave. Truth be told, my last year seeing him, he was driving a red convertable with red and white striped seats. At least that is what I saw, but you know glances don't show everything.

5. My parents made me hallucinate a sleigh in the sky as a child.
    My parents made me believe something or hallucinate something that wasn't there. I have always had a vision impairment and have been as gullible as ever. My parents would point to the sky and say oh theres the sleigh and the reindeer. I kind of just went a long with it or said I don't see it. The one year I actually faked myself into seeing a blue sleigh with reindeers. It was probably just an airplane mark.

6. The mysterious wrapping paper
    Well the truth is that my parents let it out, but not on purpose. They let me know in a way that santa wasn't real. My mom totally let it out of the bag when she showed me the paper that "santa" used the year before. With the cognition I had, I automatically knew that she was the mysterious wrapper and that my dad was the cookie eater. So much for keeping that a secret. lol

A Knife and A Bus

   About two years ago I started going to an apartment where I would learn how to live on my own. Many of the individuals who go there are mentally challenged, but some just need to work on interpersonal skills. I am one that has to work on interpersonal skills, which means that I need to work on my social skills and work on getting along with my roommates. One bad habit I have is to be bossy, but sometimes I don't know the difference between bossiness and helpfulness.

   The other day my family was sitting at the kitchen table eating a nice meal together. We kind of have assigned seats at the table, but that may just be because I insist on sitting at the same seat every night. My brother sits across from me. I needed a knife for the butter so I asked my brother for the knife. That wasn't a problem, but he handed the knife to me with the sharp part pointing at me. I asked him if he knew how to give a knife to someone. He said he did and acted like I was being bossy. My parents agreed with him. I don't understand how that came across as being bossy or smart, I was simply trying to help my brother.

   Now let me put myself in a different situation. Both me and my brother ride the high school bus so therefore we go out to the bus at the same time each morning. I have a problem with my executive functioning which is basically putting events in order to make things more productive. I am normally late for the bus or so my brother things so. He normally gets agitated when I am not out on time. I don't understand how him telling me its time to go for the bus is different from me teaching how to use a knife.

Does anyone have tips???

Today I worshipped in the Temple of Grandin

   If you are a facbook follower of mine you know that I went to see Temple Grandin today. There are a lot of things I could say about her with such little space. She is like a service dog, but yet she is like a clown. She is smart, but inpatient. I love her, but mother is scared of her. She is a rockstar, but I was not on a make a wish trip. She is an amazing woman.

   I don't know if any of you have ever had this experience, but I have seen pictures of her, but she is real. The pictures let you know in your mind that she is real, but when you are standing in a lobby two feet away from her, she is REAL I have to admit, I think I got a little excited and I tapped her on the shoulder. Oops.

   I first want to start off by saying that she is like a service dog. A service dog you can't touch, play or pet and you can't touch, play or pet with Temple either. She is a great lady, but she is working and she gets sensory overload. I mean, can you blame her, she has a demanding job. When you go near her, let her be the one to ask questions and give hugs and handshakes. Also, have your camera ready; she has a lot of people waiting.

   On the other hand, she is absolutely hilarious. It can be very difficult to talk to her because she does have autism, but I also have autism so I am not complaining. When she speaks, its a whole different story. Her speeches are like my blog entires; it gives her a way to express herself. She is hilarious. Some special things I notices were that she made no penn state comments and she love to remember steve jobs. If there were no Steve Jobs or aspies. there would be no computers.

   Another thing that was interesting was that she is able to act autistic, so I acted autistic while I was there. I stimmed and didin't care. I talked to anyone and everyone. I didn't care how excited I got. In public I normally have to so this was a great moment for me. Some people wondered why I was so excited and my mom explained to them that this was like meeting a famous actress or celebrity. Temple Grandin is my hero and she makes me shine on. I definitely do have to say that this was like being on a wish trip, but it wasn't. It was an equally good moment and a night with my mom I will cherish for a lifetime.

Meeting Temple Grandin on task that I can check off on my list of things to do before I die.

How do I go off to college???

   Tonight I had a rough night and asked my mom the above question. I do have to say that over the past six months I have been doing a lot better, but I still have my rough spots. tonight it came out and it wasn't pleasant. On top of the aspergers and vision impairment, I have an anxiety disorder. The majority of people with autism have other issues that go along with the autism such as state above: anxiety disorder.

   It doesn't matter if you take medicine to control your anxiety or not, you will still have anxiety attacks. It doesn't matter what strategies you develop, you will still have attacks. Tonight was one of those nights. I did have a thirteen hour long day and I did eat lunch and dinner at school today. From this experience, I have learned that its not a good idea to do this.

   On the way home, I had the whole driving conversation with my dad. It started at as a good conversation with some moral decisions to make. It ended with the idea that I can't scubadive or snorkel with my dad anymore and this is something I enjoyed doing with my dad as a child. Every time I am told that I can't drive, I automatically think its because of my eyes, but I have to remind myself that its the processing disorder.

   The very fact that I always think about my eyes, makes me think about other things that I can't do. I automatically thought about scuba diving, but I need really expensive goggles to do this and I only do it once a year. Long story short, I had gotten my self all worked up to the point that I had a lot of anxiety. I went to my room, took a shower and came back down stairs. I still didn't feel good, but I thought my computer would help. Five minutes into using my computer, I started feeling really weird. I was about to have an anxiety attack. For those of you that think an anxiety attack is your heart racing and hyperventilating, your WRONG!!! My anxiety attacks look like seizures, which I have had in the pas.t When I have an anxiety attack, I get scared its a seizure. For a long time the docs actually thought they were seizures.

   After I had gotten worked up with tears and confusion, my parents told me to lay down and take deep breaths. I did as they told me to and it worked. This is when the question comes. There is no crying in college and medical material is not stuff that your roommate needs to know about. How do I deal with these uncontrollable experiences? My natural reaction is to totally go into it, or take deep breaths and calm myself down. This time I had tears before it happened. I didn't know what was happening. Sometimes I have fainting spells that are anxiety attacks. How do I manage these issues in college? Its just not acceptable. I feel as though I am struggling, but I don't know how to fix it.

   When I have an anxiety attack, it just needs to happen. An anxiety attack basically reboots your brain. I will feel emotional for a few days for now reason, have an anxiety attack and feel great. Today, I felt fine, but I had an attack. You just never know what to do.

We need greater awareness of anxiety attacks. I didn't know what they were until I started getting them.

...because I have Aspergers

   There have been a lot of things that I thought I would not be able to do through out my life because I have aspergers. When I was a young child, my parents were often told that I would end up in a group home. Today I will be able to live on my own with a husband, a good college degree and job, and possibly even kids, but before high school we didn't know anything.

   I have not limited myself because I have Asperger syndrome. I am a very outgoing person and do anything and everything I want to and can do with no excuses. Now granted, I do take advantage of any extra services I can get because it just increases those abilities, but I use them as tools, not as another part of my disability. I also tend to make excuses after the fact of why something didn't go right. Often times I will blame something I did wrong or the fact that I don't have friends on my Aspergers, but I don't ever say I can't do something.

   On Sunday, I got some pretty upsetting news. My parents have always raised me to be aware of my disability, but don't let it get in harms way. Well truth is it got in my way and it was out of my control. I am not playing a blame game, but this was something someone physically told me. This was told to me right in front of my mother. I can't drive.

   I know many of you know I have a vision impairment that has limited me, but I was evaluated for driving and they said I could. I figured that the only thing that would limit me from driving is my vision. Boy was I wrong. I do have vision issues, but I am able to compensate for them using different strategies. I can't drive because I have Autism.

   Now let me explain. The driving teacher came to my house and before we even went out on the road, she told my mom she thought it wouldn't be a good idea for me to drive. She took me out on road and I drove the worst I ever did because I was shocked; I was shocked that I couldn't drive because I had autism. I know its awful.

   We went out on the road with mother in tow and sure enough the driving instructor was right and I new she was right. Autism causes other processing disorders that are invisible to the eye or ear when you first meet someone. When I tested for driving, my reaction time was great, but that was in a calm setting. When I have multiple stimuli that I need to pay attention to, I can't do it.  I was shot down. Now I am telling myself that I can't drive and that its not worth it.

   The positive thing is that I am not blaming my autism when I do this because its not the first thing comes to mind. I automatically think vision and then I have to correct myself. Its the autism and its never going to be anything else. I CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE I HAVE AUTISM!!! :(

Where is Mrs. Puff when I need her???

   In college, a lot of people go back to there childhood. This school year we have talked a lot about what shows we liked to watch when we were little. One show that we miss is Spongebob Squarepants. Although this show is still on television it is a kids show. Fortunately my friend got season three at target the other day.

   Does anyone remember Mrs Puff from spongebob? She is the boating instructor at spongebob's school. Well I wish she was real life and I was I was the only care on the road. A couple of weeks ago I got really good news that I was physically capable of driving, but due to my disability we still don't know.

   Unfortunately today I found out that I have a very slim possibility of ever driving and I really need to practice driving, but practice using the  bus system for the worst case scenario. Fortunately I have a Mrs. Puff in my life right now, but she can only help so much.

   One thing that came to mine was that I have a mild disability (ignore the doctors and ovr who say its severe), I have a disability that affects my ability to drive. Today I learned that. During the evaluation last month my reaction time and processing looked great, but when I was on the road, I couldn't process what was going on. I can't process as much as normal people, but I can overcome that to some extent and lead a normal life.

   On the good side because this was stressful, my driving instructor gave me some insight. She told me that the word impossible is basically fake. The word impossible doesn't mean that you can't do it, but that if you put into the work you can be I'm possible. I love that and I want to take that to heart.

   This blog is a place to use as a coping skill. I thought I would share because it was kind of a shock to my day.

Whats black, white and read/red all over???

   Today has given me a lot too think about. Easily put, it has been a rough day, but that's not what matters. What matters, is how I handle each and every situation that is handed to me. This week I am staying at an apartment where you learn to live on your own. You are responsible, for cooking cleaning and time management which means using an alarm clock.

   The cooking and cleaning I am getting the hang of, but the alarm clock is a different story. I absolutely hate using an alarm clock and that maybe because I am black and white and read all over. Yes, let me explain. In my mind this makes perfect sense and sounds clever.

   I always feel that I am so black and white and this can become a problem in several situations. Many people think this may have to do with sarcasm, but it has to do with much more. Being black and white affects your ability to change rules and be flexible. This week I have had to be flexible with the alarm clock which has really bothered me.

   Aspergers can look like a lot of different things such as OCD, ADHD, and anxiety disorder. My seems to present with all of these. I have had a diagnosis of all of these in the past except for OCD, but I feel that the OCD affects me the most. I always get obsessive about time an weather which is why the alarm clock bothers me. It doesn't help that I don't sleep well when I am away from home.

   When I am away from home, my anxiety sky rockets which leaves me constantly scared of what is going to happen. If I am at a hotel with my family I get scared by screaming, sirens and any unfamiliar sound that I hear, which could even be the ice machine down the hall.

   As stated above, this week I am at the apartment and I have the typical anxiety and I also have to worry about waking up on time. I always worry that if I don't it will become a burden for my future. I feel that if I don't listen to the alarm clock that is one more x I get on my report card to go further in life. I know its something I can still work on, but I want that goal to be completed.

   Sometimes said alarm clock doesn't turn on in the morning because I forgot to turn it back on. This causes me to wake up all night long to check the time. This is where there is the black and white and read all over. I read into things way to much and my world is structured by black and white rules. I am supposed to wake up at a certain time, by golly I wake up at that certain time. I read into this too much by constantly obsessing over the time.

   There are definitely pros and cons to this though. I can stay awake all night so that I can pay attention to time and wake up on time or I can sleep through the night and actually get a healthy night sleep. Then the question appears about whether I should sleep with the risk of getting lectured in the morning or staying up all night and being grumpy with my roommates. I think tonight I will sleep all night because I really need it, but that is really hard.

   People often have myths about autism that we are blunt, boring and unsocial. I am blunt, but I am social and entertaining. I love to make people laugh. Sometimes it may look like I don't struggle because I am so high functioning, but the autism does come out in its mysterious ways. With time there is know gray!!! :)

Empathy: Conversing vs. Giving

   When I was in high school, I took part in social skill groups that were run by my psychologist. In one of the first sessions she asked us if we ever heard of the term "points of view".  I thought I knew what social skills I had to work on, but I obviously didn't. Point of view involves empathy and people with aspergers don't have empathy; at least that is what the doctors say.

   Today I made a new discovery. I knew I had empathy, but I never knew how to connect with people. Today I learned that there are two kinds of empathy, one of which I am good at and the other I am bad at. The two types are conversing and giving. I am really bad at conversing, but I am great at giving.

   I definitely can say that I am one of the most bubbly and outgoing people in many individuals minds. I am not trying to brag, but this is stuff people have told me. I am not trying to be rude, but explain. I may be very bubbly and outgoing, but I can't converse properly. I will go into a conversation and within the first 2-5 minutes I will be talking about myself and monopolizing the conversation. I don't get points of view and how others feel. I just try to converse and I don't think about what my frineds' interests are.  I always use the words I and me. I also tend to ask questions about things I am interested in, not what the friend is interested in, but I can't get past this point no matter how hard I try. The bubbly part of me has also lead me to be over exuberant and sometimes hyper and goofy.

   On the other hand I am great at giving. For example, if I got to a store, I think about gifts for others. This may include something such as baby clothes or maybe a sweet tea for the receptionist at the docs office. She is addicted to that man!!!  I do have to say that I get tempted to get a sweet tea for the receptionist at my doctors office every time I see the doctor.  I love to give and I think of others first, but when I am in the moment, I can't think about anyone but myself.

   In the future, I think people should change their point of view about asperger syndrome. I do get their point of view on that topic and it needs to change. They think that we don't like to be social and that we have no empathy for others. This has been disproved by this very blog.

   Now if I could just figure out to how to use the conversational empathy, my world would be perfect.

Witnessing a bully and a victim

   Through the years, I have been picked on and bullied for my differences. Lets face it, kids these days are picked on for the clothes they wear. I will never forget the year I was in fifth grade. Our teachers told us to make friends now because we wouldn't once we got to middle school. I tried hanging out with the cool kids which ended up being a really bad experience. When I got to middle school, I made tons of friends, but I had to leave because the learning environment wasn't right for me and I wasn't diagnosed with autism yet.

   Today, for the first time I was a witness to a  little seven year old boy who was being bullied. It was awful and I felt helpless. When I was bullied, I was in the moment and I didn't realize how bad it was until afterward, or maybe that is just how I feel now, but today when this little boy was being bullied, I wanted to do something. I didn't know what to do.

   I could help the victim and risk being hurt myself, or I could let the little boy struggle. I could also be nice to the victim, but he's little and would probably be scared since he doesn't know me. He has a sister, but she doesn't seem to help him at all. I find it worse to feel helpless when someone is being bullied than to be bullied myself. I feel that I need to take action, but I don't know how.

   I am great at public speaking, but I am just a kid. I don't know where to start. I wish I could have the talent that Temple Grandin has. I wish I could be someone famous who made a difference, maybe like mother teresa. I know, I'm being jealous, but can you blame me? I am helping others too. I have always wanted to speak about my aspergers, so maybe I should start there, but there has to be more done. Those silly status' on facebook do nothing. When people see those they just think another post scam. I even do,  even though I have been bullied. Its really the parents or those that post anything and everything while not even paying attention to what they are posting.

Just something to think about

I'm growing up too fast!!!

   The other week I had posted about my mom having a fit because I am growing up too fast. At that point I was very proud of my accomplishments, but now I feel that I am growing up too fast for myself. Some things that have changed lately are my ability to express myself which has come with this blog, getting my driver's license, going to college, and living on my own.

   Two years ago or I mean six months ago, I was having tantrums at least once a week. Yes, I admit I had trouble. I was probably crying everyday for some reason or another. I was going through a horrible time, but over the past six months that has changed. As soon as I left high school, I felt free and I became a shooting star. This may have been that I was having communication problems with one of my teachers.  This person didn't get me and I didn't get her.   Even though it was unintended on her part, it had an emotional impact on me and impeded my growth.  Now a tantrum every month is unusual.  Not to mention,  this blog has opened me up and has taught me about myself.

   The other week I had posted about my mom having a heart attack about driving with me. Today, I went on the bypass with her in the car. I felt that my dad was about ready to explode, but my mother was actually quite calm. I did a great job and was focused, but sometimes I feel that there are too many big things coming up at once. Growing is tough and sometimes there is a lot to take in. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that I am getting my drivers license and learning to live on my own all at once. Granted I have been going to an apartment for over a year for a week here and there, but I am taking the next step at the apartment and I am being evaluated this week!!!

   If you follow my blog to any extent, you know that I am a college student and that this year is my first year. I am taking three classes including a psychology class which I love. I think college is a great experience for me, but sometimes it leaves me thinking I am more capable of taking care of myself than I am.  For instance, I had to pack and move out for a week; more on that later. My mom was constantly reminding me what I needed to pack. She was reminding me of stuff I knew to pack, but when it came time to leave, I was still missing half my stuff. This happens because I have trouble with executive functioning. I thought I was capable of packing, but obviously I needed more reminder than I thought, and I gave my mom some attitude. Now, don't get me wrong, I have grown a lot, but I still have a lot more growing to do.

   As I said above, I am learning to live on my own and I love it because it makes me feel good, but my past has gotten in my way.   The communication problem I had last year still left me emotionally affected. I feel like there is still a burden on my shoulder. I have done a great job in my assisted living place, but I have this feeling all the time that I am going to be yelled at about something because I'm being misunderstood. I know I am not, but because this has happened other times I been in the apartment, I am scared its going to happen again.  I have this tension right now because I have a fear. I am not going to die, but I have False Emotions Appearing Real. I really hate fear. I know this week I will do great and I plan on working hard with no attitude no matter what.

   Overall, I feel that there is a lot going on, but I know that life is not going to get easier from here on out. I told my mother that I was a weird point in life and she told me I was a drama queen, but I am at a weird point. I don't know how old my friends should be and I am not following the curriculum in my classes to a T because of the program I am in. I know there will always be stresses in life, but we just get better at dealing with them. I need to stay positive and not tell myself that life will get easier because it won't!!!

   I think I will leave you hear to think. I think its a lot to take in. Laugh out loud.